The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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Plastic is made from oil, oil comes from the remains of ancient creatures.That means that toy dinosaurs are actually made from the real dinosaurs.
We used to contrast hard-copy printouts from data that existed only in digital form, saying that until you printed it out, it wasn't "carved in stone".
Then someone realized that the digital data consisted mainly of pathways marked out in a silicon matrix.
And silicon is...stone....
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My mind is blown.
Filed under: Come sit on my patio furniture made from real dinosaurs
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I wrote a Logo program that uses flightless birds instead of turtles.
I gave it to an ostrich, but it didn't seem to be able to understand my instructions. I'll have to try with an emu later.
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- "... I blew a seal!"
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
^- "I blew chunks!"
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
^- I fucked my dog in the ass, then came on her snout, then stroked my balls watching her lick herself clean!
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
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hahahahahahahahaha....
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haha... ha? Guys? Come on, it's the same thing you did.
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JOKED ABOUT! I mean joked about-- totally joke!==
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... joke
^Hey cutie.
^Come here girl
^I've got a "bone" for you
^ohgodyesgoodgirl
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@Lorne_Kates said:
^Come here girl
^I've got a "bone" for you
^ohgodyesgoodgirl
Engine wishes to comment: For the record, Male dogs are just as good at that as females, feminist!
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My PS3 is DivX activated. Haven't found any disks though...
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My PS3 is DivX activated. Haven't found any disks though...
It's not well known, but the old Atari E.T. graveyard was dug up a few years ago, and all the the DivX discs anyone could find were buried under the E.T. cartridges.
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A vulture boards a plane with two dead raccoons.
Stewardess says "Sorry, only one carrion per passenger".
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You've just offended all straight zoophiles.
Male dogs are just as good at that as females
Also "a hole is a hole" thread is
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I was sitting in the hospital canteen, when the doctor came over, looking all weepy eyed.
"What's up, doc?" I asked, before tucking into my sandwich.
"I'm afraid your wife didn't make it," he said.
"I can tell," I replied. "This sandwich is gorgeous."
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[b]Sirens[/b]:
- Emergency vehicles being loud.
- Chinese people being quiet.
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My wife's constantly making sarcastic comments about my receding hairline.
It's starting to wear a little thin.
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This post is deleted!
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Wow. I'm whooshing pretty hard on these ones.
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For the first one, runway 15 is thesame runway as 33, just in the other direction, the way runway numbers are defined.
The rest of them must be inside baseball, yes.
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I get the first one. Runway numbers are also a compass degree / 10. (15 = 150 degrees, etc.)
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Requesting a VFR-on-top clearance means asking for a visual flight plan as well as an instrument one; presumably the joke is that the guy who doesn't know how to issue one (and thus is presumably air traffic control) is an incompetent who's afraid to reveal same? And somehow that's funny?
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I got the 15/33 one, and @FrostCat explained the VFR one. I understood the one about "Squack 7700", which can be used to declare an emergency from an airplane.
I'm not sure about GAJ604, but I suspect the GAJ part is "Giant-Ass Jet". OTOH, a BE20 is a little one propeller BeechCraft. Maybe GAJ604 identifies a specific jet, but I'm not sure.
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What do you call disgusting tasting Malaysian food?
Nasty goreng.
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A brass band was engaged to play in the local park. Their contract said that they could pack up and go home if there was no audience, but if just one person was watching, they would have to play their entire one-hour programme. The band began to play, the sun was shining, and there were 80 people sitting in deckchairs enjoying the music. Within ten minutes, the heavens opened, the wind gusted, and the audience ran to take shelter...all except one man. The concert continued. Rain was lashing into the faces of the musicians, their sheet music were being blown away... but one man stubbornly remained seated.
At the end of the concert, the sodden conductor approached the man and said: 'You must really love brass band music'. The man replied: 'Not really, but I had to wait until you finished playing because it's my job to put the deckchairs away.'
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Linked from there:
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I really like the "sigmoid rumbling below the belt" phrase they sneaked in. link Theres another word besides burping or hiccuping...
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Just encountered Raymond Chen doing this joke in one of his archived articles:
Q: How do you know when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
This is of course a completely unfair and discriminatory joke.
Many lawyers are women.
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A lawyer meets with a client and when they are done, the lawyer says "That will be $100." and the client hands him a 100 dollar bill.
After the client leaves, the lawyer discovers that there are two 100 dollar bills stuck together. Now the lawyer faces an ethical problem.
Does he keep the extra money, or, does he split it with his partner.
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After the client leaves, the lawyer discovers that there are two 100 dollar bills stuck together. Now the lawyer faces an ethical problem.
Does he keep the extra money, or, does he split it with his partner.
he's a lawyer, he keeps the extra hundred and amends an additional processing fee for the amount of $20 to the client's bill to cover the brief time it took to successfully mug his ethical response and shove it back in it's cell.
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A good lawyer, a bad lawyer, Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck each sit in a corner of a room. A 100 dollar bill falls in the middle of the room. Who gets it?
[spoiler]The bad lawyer. Everyone knows the other 3 are fictional characters[/spoiler]
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Three buddies — an architect, a doctor and a lawyer — are out in a small boat fishing not that far from the Australian coast. All of a sudden, their motor fails. They then discover that none of them had packed any oars or sails or even a mobile phone — everyone assumed someone else had brought theirs — and that there's a storm coming in. They need help! Yet around them are lots of hungry sharks. What do they do?
… Ready to go on with the story yet? …
The lawyer jumps over the side and swims to shore, never getting bitten at all. The coastguard comes out to rescue the other two shortly after, and they get back to land easy as anything. Soon the two guys meet back up with the lawyer, and they ask him why he didn't get bitten.
[spoiler]“Simple. It was just professional courtesy.”[/spoiler]
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ask him why he didn't get bitten.
Because sharks don't kill people?
*reads spoiler*
Huh. Nope, wouldn't have called that....
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Huh. Nope, wouldn't have called that....
Ahhh, but you have to appreciate the subtlety of the use of English by us Brits.
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What quite often appears as a perfectly correct complimentary or graceful response is in fact the ultimate insult or "put down"
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What quite often appears as a perfectly correct complimentary or graceful response is in fact the ultimate insult or "put down"
Unless the complementary complement was indeed not complementary, but instead paid for by these sponsors.
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"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
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The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
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The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
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I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
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The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
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The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
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What does a lawyer call their daughter?
[spoiler]Sue[/spoiler]
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Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
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A little girl runs to her mother saying "Mommy, mommy, look what I didn't step into!" - proudly presenting a big dog poop she is holding with both hands.
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Some kids were out walking the dog. As they came by the local curmudgeon's house they decided it was time for payback.
So they set fire to the recently filled poo bag, left it on his doorstep, rang the bell, and ran off.
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I knew that joke like this:
A man is walking down the street when he sees a brown substance on the ground.
He looks down: it looks like shit.
He leans closer: it still looks like shit.
He brings his nose closer: it smells like shit.
He touches it with a finger: it feels like shit.
He brings his finger to his nose: it smells like shit.
He licks his finger: it tastes like shit.'Phew', thinks the man. 'Good thing I didn't step on it.'
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A man is walking down the street
A man walks down the street
He says why am I soft in the middle now
Why am I soft in the middle
The rest of my life is so hard
I need a photo-opportunity
I want a shot at redemption
Don't want to end up a cartoon
In a cartoon graveyard
Bonedigger Bonedigger
Dogs in the moonlight
Far away my well-lit door
Mr. Beerbelly Beerbelly
Get these mutts away from me
You know I don't find this stuff amusing anymoreIf you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al
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Some kids were out walking the dog. As they came by the local curmudgeon's house they decided it was time for payback.
So they set fire to the recently filled poo bag, left it on his doorstep, rang the bell, and ran off.
That's ... horribly old. I nearly kicked the slats out of my crib the first time I heard that one.
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How do you turn your dishwasher into a leafblower?
[spoiler]Give her a broom.[/spoiler]
<I expect to be banned for misogyny