The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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Viking Rudolf the Red was looking out the window and said, "Well, it's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know that?"
"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
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I heard a longer version:
There once was a police officer named Edward. He patrolled the suburbs, but he was grouchy all the time, and rude to just about everyone.
One day, a couple was crossing the street, and they said to him, "Nice day, isn't it?" And Edward barked out, "It's going to rain."
"Well that was rude," said the lady, looking up at the clear sky. Not ten minutes later, however, a storm had blown up, and the couple were caught in the downpour.
"Wow! That rude man was right!" said the lady
"Well, Rude officer Ed knows rain, dear," said her husband.
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subtlety of the use of English by us Brits.
That's an old joke in American English, too.
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There is a store near me that has a signboard on which they usually have witty or philosophical sayings, occasionally ads, or sometimes bad jokes. Currently it's one of the latter:
No matter how hard you push the envelope, it will still be [spoiler]stationery[/spoiler].
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Unpacking some boxes in the basement, and I finally found my pot holder made of Genuine Cowhide.
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Just before Christmas, a guy took his girl to a high class place for dinner. He was a bit nonplussed when they were served on what looked like shiny chrome hubcaps. "What's with the hubcaps," he demanded disdainfully.
The server drew himself up and replied, "Sir, we feel the best plate is chrome for the holidays."
[spoiler](The best place is home for the holidays.)[/spoiler]
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A guy told me that an onion is the only food that makes you cry.
So I hit him in the face with a coconut.
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There is a store near me that has a signboard on which they usually have witty or philosophical sayings, occasionally ads, or sometimes bad jokes. Currently it's one of the latter:
No matter how hard you push the envelope, it will still be [spoiler]stationery[/spoiler].
There's a veterinarian near me with one of those signs. One recently was:
Don't Litter
Spay and Neuter
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What do the movies "The Sixth Sense" and "Titanic" have in common?
Icy dead people.
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One of the major cellphone companies was working on a new phone called The Titanic, but it was a flop because it kept syncing.
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Please create a separate post per image. It allows for finer grained liking
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+1. As a side effect you'll advance in the 2^x posts and X% poster ranks faster.
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That request was for my convenience, not for @Spanky587's. Oh well, gamification works, it seems ;)
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I have an unnatural phobia of German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
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I honestly don't like to think of it as anal bleaching.
I prefer the term 'changing my ring tone'.
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Is it a Me gusta face?
At ten pixel size it's really hard to tell emotions apart.
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Me gusta face?
Dunno. That's what happened when I typed dead and converted to emoji. I think its a frowning face with swirled eyes....
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shouldn't dead be something like this, with crossed eyes?
Also this thing was always creeping me out. Now I think it reminds me of 'overly attached girlfriend' - that's the only other time I saw eyes so unnaturally trying to get out of the sockets.
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shouldn't dead be something like this, with crossed eyes?
YMBNH.You probably think an eight pointed black star should be black, or a star, or have eight points.
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What do midgets and dwarves have in common?
[spoiler]Very little.[/spoiler]
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😵
I like how that looks on Android 4.x:
With Android 5 it went from the one on the left to the one on the right:
(Image taken from emojipedia without permission, but at least I give them credit)
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The one on the right looks like Homer Simpson after he ate the spotted death chili and chased it with a keg of beer.
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When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.
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Last Christmas I bought my mother in law a Jack Daniels t-shirt having previously told me she enjoyed encounters with spirits.
She looked angry and said "I'm a medium".
Bullshit! XXL fit her perfect!
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"So, why is this position open and what happened to the last person who was doing this job?" was a good question to ask before agreeing to anything.
"I'm sorry, the job as a waiter for our tigers is no longer available. But ask again tomorrow."
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My friends told me to stop singing Wonderwall.
I said maybe.
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I bought myself 3 prostitutes for Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho.
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For my New Years resolution, I'm going to try giving up sexual innuendos.
It's going to be hard.
.. soooo hard....
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For my New Years resolution
I'm going to work on merging all of the various sub-modules I have running into the Base OS.
That should be sufficient to +1 the Major Revision number!
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I'm beginning to dread having sex with the wife. Cold, unfeeling, and mechanical.
To be fair, she wasn't much better when she was alive either.
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The wife said, "I think I can hear Santa up on the roof."
I said, "No, it's just a little rain, dear."
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Who says I am only allowed to have one?
you screwed her corps?
Also, women in uniform turn me on, but I didn't screw the whole corps.
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loosely attached head?
Two soldiers are sitting in a trench, one of them wants to take a shit so he says to his friend "Cover me, I'll go to the next trench and be back in a minute."
So the second guy waits for him but he's not coming back.
Finally after more than two hours he's back and he's smiling, happy as fuck.
"What took you so long, I thought you got killed already? And why are you so happy?"
"So I went over there and there was this gorgeous nurse. We screwed in every way possible - we even did anal."
"Did she give you a blowjob as well?"
[spoiler]"Well, if she still had her head, I'm sure she would have."[/spoiler]
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Getting ready to go out last night, the wife was moaning like mad about a couple of loose threads hanging down from the hem of her new dress. Luckily, I had a pair of scissors handy.
I stabbed the whiny cunt.
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Your jokes are getting a bit too edgy for my taste...
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They made me laugh, but in hindsight they are a bit edgy <like those scissors, probably>.
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What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
[spoiler]If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.[/spoiler]
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What's the rudest type of Elf?
[spoiler]The GofuckyoursElf.[/spoiler]
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When my son came home earlier, he said:
"Dad, I've just seen a homofeelayak, there was blood everywhere!"
"You mean a hemophiliac, son" I laughed.
"No. It was definitely a homo feeling a yak's balls, then it kicked him in the face" he explained.
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My American cousin nearly lost his 18 wheeler truck during the recent spate of tornadoes that occurred over there recently.
He said that, if he hadn't been sitting in it at the time, it would have blown away for sure.
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What's Homer Simpson's favorite vegetable ?
[spoiler]AvacaDOH[/spoiler]