The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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An employee comes to his boss and asks "Could you lower my salary a bit?"
"It's an unusual request but sure, I can do it. May I ask why though?"
"My wife said if I don't get a raise this year she'll leave me. But I feel it's safer this way."
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@da-Doctah said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Chow: Lightbulb? Who said lightbulb? Let me at him! I'll rip his throat out!
St Bernard: I'll get right on it, but first, let's have a couple of drinks.
Dalmatian: Du-u-u-u-uhh!!!
Basset hound: *snooooooorrrrrrre*
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@PleegWat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@masonwheeler You can bake them, broil them, fry them, boil them...
...stick them in a stew.
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At a recent interview, I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "I don't know that one, but would Bohemian Rhapsody do instead?"
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An elderly couple that has lived together for 60 years is being interviewed.
"What's your secret for such a long and happy relationship?"
"There's no secret really, just mutual respect and understanding."
"But surely you've had some arguments during these years though?"
"No. No arguments."
"Not even small ones?"
"Well, maybe once. We were riding from the wedding ceremony in a horse-drawn carriage, and one of the horses stumbled on the way. My husband looked at the horse calmly and said 'One'. We continued on our way and the same horse tripped again. He said 'Two'. Just as we crossed the gate to his ranch the horse stumbled once more. He said 'Three', took his rifle and shot the horse. I started crying and shouted 'Why did you have to kill the poor animal?' He looked at me and said 'One'."
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@masonwheeler If Natalie Portman and Jacques Cousteau were a couple, would their nickname be "Portmanteau"?
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@masonwheeler One day I was in a pet store and saw a little chinchilla with his head sticking out of a little green plastic dome. I thought to myself "oh, he's pretending to be a tortoise!" and asked if that would make him a chinchortoise.
Because the word "tortilla" is already a thing.
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Two cats had a swimming race. One was called "One two three", and the other was called "Un deux trois".
Which cat won?
"One two three", because "Un deux trois" cat sank.
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Two cats had a swimming race. One was called "One two the", and the other was called "Un deux trois".
Which cat won?
"One two three", because "Un deux trois" cat sank.What happened to "One two the"?
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@DoctorJones I don't get it.
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@mott555 I think it relies on (mis)pronunciation of "un deux trois quatre cinq".
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@mott555
That would be why it's in the "BAD jokes thred"
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@izzion said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@mott555
That would be why it's in the "BAD jokes thred"Should be in le bad jokes thread.
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@loopback0 said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
What happened to "One two the"?
Fucking stupid shitty fucking wanky autocorrect!
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Everyone in the office is busy moving furniture, arranging desks, etc. The boss is going around with a measuring tape and a compass and checks that everythng is positioned according to his plan.
An elderly cleaning lady is looking on all this bewildered. Curious, she asks the boss what are they doing."You know, business was not going very well recently. But I've found out about feng shui.
We just have to set everything in the office correctly and sales will be booming again.""I have cleaned this building for my whole life. There used to be a brothel in here long before you were born. When their revenues fell they didn't rearrange beds. They changed the whores."
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A horse walks into a bar...
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They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase!
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Fart humor is bad, right?
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Yes.
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@Applied-Mediocrity That's because farts are better kept private.
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@JBert said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Applied-Mediocrity That's because farts are better kept private.
I accept.
Wait... I...
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@Zecc I wrote on the board recently in one class:
Is this a real quiz / Is it catastrophe?
Several students didn't get the reference.
For the record, it was just a fake pop quiz.
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@Benjamin-Hall said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
For the record, it was just a fake pop quiz.
Not the "read all the instructions.... Do nothing but write your name on the top" quiz, right?
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Benjamin-Hall said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
For the record, it was just a fake pop quiz.
Not the "read all the instructions.... Do nothing but write your name on the top" quiz, right?
No, although I've given that one before. Most failed it horribly. Teenagers...
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@Benjamin-Hall said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Benjamin-Hall said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
For the record, it was just a fake pop quiz.
Not the "read all the instructions.... Do nothing but write your name on the top" quiz, right?
No, although I've given that one before. Most failed it horribly. Teenagers...
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I'm trying to break out of my habit of randomly naming Bruce Willis movies.
But I guess old habits Twelve Monkeys.
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@Tsaukpaetra 95 Reese's Pumpkin Luther?
What?
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@Rhywden said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra 95 Reese's Pumpkin Luther?
What?
Church history I think.
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Martin Luther and the 95 Reeses
https://www.history.com/topics/reformation/martin-luther-and-the-95-theses
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@izzion Ah. The pumpkin threw me.
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@Rhywden said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@izzion Ah. The pumpkin threw me.
In Soviet Russia pumpkins throw you.
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I'll see myself out.
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what's a ghost favorite ride?
RollerghosterDon't kiss a skeleton,
you'll give him a BONERwhat kind of street do ghost live on?
Dead Endswhy do ghosts go to parties?
for the booshow do ghost get around?
BoocycleWhere do ghost go to get beautiful?
a Bootiquewhat do they do after?
they Haunt their body around townhttps://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/466096746343432193/505849028064575528/hqx7okmi64c11.gif
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
they Haunt their body around town
What body? They don't go to parties because they have no body to go with
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@Jaloopa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
they Haunt their body around town
What body? They don't go to parties because they have no body to go with
The one the ghost came from, obviously.
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Why does it cost $1.50 to put air in your tires?
Inflation.
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I told my friends I was marrying an x-ray technician. They were pretty blunt about it: "she seems great, but I don't know what she sees in you."
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@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I told my friends I was marrying an x-ray technician. They were pretty blunt about it: "she seems great, but I don't know what she sees in you."
All the thick and hard things, obviously.
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This could go in the NSFW thread for its "fan service" but I guess it fits here better: