The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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@Boner said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
What are the 3k words that go with the picture? I'm having trouble groking this. Have a like anyways!
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@Tsaukpaetra Bono Bonobo Oboe
Took me a minute.
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@Boner said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra Bono Bonobo Oboe
Took me a minute.
Ah. I don't have that portion of pop culture...
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@Tsaukpaetra Mrs Boner went with Marti Pellow / Clarinet.
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Today I found a wallet with some money inside. I was trying to decide whether I should keep the money for myself or return it to owner when I thought "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.
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Microsoft has decided that in order to make Universal Windows Platform gaming competitive, they need to market it directly at Valve's customers. The new project is to be code-named "Cleveland".
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Lots of people whining "With all the fucked up things happening in '16, at least there's no way '17 can be any worse".
Coincidentally, that's exactly what Russians had been thinking 100 years ago.
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Lots of people whining "With all the fucked up things happening in '16, at least there's no way '17 can be any worse".
Coincidentally, that's exactly what Russians had been thinking 100 years ago.By that line of reasoning, 2033 to 2045 will be a wild ride.
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I saw that and assumed it had something to do with Stargate transportation rings.
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@da-Doctah said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I saw that and assumed it had something to do with Stargate transportation rings.
I'm surprised @Groaner wasn't the one to post that...
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Someone just sent me an Excel file with values True and False.
What is this bool sheet?
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I'm not sexist, but I can't participate in a discussion without at least one man in the room.
It's very hard for me to hear from a different room.
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I can't seem to do this left-handed riffle, despite being able to do it right-handed no problem.
I guess my left hand is just not dexterous.
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@Yamikuronue said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I guess my left hand is just not dexterous.
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If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
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Heard on the radio this morning:
In 1847, Vermont railroad worker Phineas Gage survived having a 3-foot-long iron rod driven through his head. Maybe if he'd been narrower Gage, it would have missed him.
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My friends want to spend their time numbering Pokemon. Well, they can count meowth.
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
My friends want to spend their time numbering Pokemon. Well, they can count meowth.
they can count to 52? that's good! i've always had trouble once i ran out of toes on my paws.
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@accalia said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
i've always had trouble once i ran out of toes on my paws.
Use this simple trick your math teacher doesn't want you to know to count up to 99 on your fingers!
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@PleegWat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@accalia said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
i've always had trouble once i ran out of toes on my paws.
Use this simple trick your math teacher doesn't want you to know to count up to 99 on your fingers!
i know a trick too, i can count up to 1023 before i run out of toes.
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@accalia 1048575, surely, if you're including toes?
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@PleegWat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@accalia 1048575, surely, if you're including toes?
i have a hard time getting to my back toes... and they're a lot less dexterous than my front toes... but yes if i could include those ones too, yes.
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@Maciejasjmj said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
The Pope, President of the United States, a coal miner and a little girl are all traveling by plane. As they're enjoying the trip, reading newspapers and drinking coffee, they hear an intercom come up.
"This is your captain speaking" - says the voice. - "We're currently on a collision course with the ground, our engines are down, and we have to evacuate. Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes on board, all of them in the overhead compartment to your left. We only have three minutes until impact, so please hurry and jump out".
Hearing this, the President stands up.
"I'm the President of the United States, the greatest economical and military power in the world! I cannot die here!" - he yells, rushes to the compartment, grabs a parachute and jumps out of the door before anyone can say anything.
The coal miner hesitates for a second, then walks to the compartment and grabs a parachute.
"Forgive me, Father, but... I have a family to feed. If I die, who knows what will happen to them?" - he says, then jumps out of the plane.
The little girl and the pope stand up from their seats and look at each other.
"Father, please take the parachute and jump." - says the little girl quietly.
"Nonsense!" - shouts the Pope. - "I'm a tired old man, my time on this Earth is coming to an end. You need to save yourself, girl."
"Father, please take the parachute and jump." - the girl says again.
"I can't do it. I can't. You have your whole life still in front of you, you can still do amazing things for the world and for God. It's my time. Save yourself."
"Father, please take the parachute and jump" - the girl says yet again. - "That dumb Yankee grabbed my backpack."
Leaving the captain to die, I see.
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@pydsigner said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Maciejasjmj said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
The Pope, President of the United States, a coal miner and a little girl are all traveling by plane. As they're enjoying the trip, reading newspapers and drinking coffee, they hear an intercom come up.
"This is your captain speaking" - says the voice. - "We're currently on a collision course with the ground, our engines are down, and we have to evacuate. Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes on board, all of them in the overhead compartment to your left. We only have three minutes until impact, so please hurry and jump out".
Hearing this, the President stands up.
"I'm the President of the United States, the greatest economical and military power in the world! I cannot die here!" - he yells, rushes to the compartment, grabs a parachute and jumps out of the door before anyone can say anything.
The coal miner hesitates for a second, then walks to the compartment and grabs a parachute.
"Forgive me, Father, but... I have a family to feed. If I die, who knows what will happen to them?" - he says, then jumps out of the plane.
The little girl and the pope stand up from their seats and look at each other.
"Father, please take the parachute and jump." - says the little girl quietly.
"Nonsense!" - shouts the Pope. - "I'm a tired old man, my time on this Earth is coming to an end. You need to save yourself, girl."
"Father, please take the parachute and jump." - the girl says again.
"I can't do it. I can't. You have your whole life still in front of you, you can still do amazing things for the world and for God. It's my time. Save yourself."
"Father, please take the parachute and jump" - the girl says yet again. - "That dumb Yankee grabbed my backpack."
Leaving the captain to die, I see.
Why you can't just double-up like in the movies I should ask...
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@pydsigner said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Leaving the captain to die, I see.
He probably got the passengers into that mess, so he might deserve it.
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@aliceif said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@pydsigner said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Leaving the captain to die, I see.
He probably got the passengers into that mess, so he might deserve it.
Fly-by-wire. Captain's sitting in a comfy chair on the ground.
edit: fixed my spellar
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@dcon said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Caption's sitting in a comfy chair on the ground.
Caption will drift gently to the ground on a piece of paper.
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Joke I just heard on TV:
My favourite member of the armed forces, Private Browsing
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I hate to admit I feel a bit of pity for Justin Bieber.
Just consider that the guy has to go to every single Justin Bieber's concert.
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@pydsigner said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Maciejasjmj said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
The Pope, President of the United States, a coal miner and a little girl are all traveling by plane. As they're enjoying the trip, reading newspapers and drinking coffee, they hear an intercom come up.
"This is your captain speaking" - says the voice. - "We're currently on a collision course with the ground, our engines are down, and we have to evacuate. Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes on board, all of them in the overhead compartment to your left. We only have three minutes until impact, so please hurry and jump out".
Hearing this, the President stands up.
"I'm the President of the United States, the greatest economical and military power in the world! I cannot die here!" - he yells, rushes to the compartment, grabs a parachute and jumps out of the door before anyone can say anything.
The coal miner hesitates for a second, then walks to the compartment and grabs a parachute.
"Forgive me, Father, but... I have a family to feed. If I die, who knows what will happen to them?" - he says, then jumps out of the plane.
The little girl and the pope stand up from their seats and look at each other.
"Father, please take the parachute and jump." - says the little girl quietly.
"Nonsense!" - shouts the Pope. - "I'm a tired old man, my time on this Earth is coming to an end. You need to save yourself, girl."
"Father, please take the parachute and jump." - the girl says again.
"I can't do it. I can't. You have your whole life still in front of you, you can still do amazing things for the world and for God. It's my time. Save yourself."
"Father, please take the parachute and jump" - the girl says yet again. - "That dumb Yankee grabbed my backpack."
Leaving the captain to die, I see.
Why you can't just double-up like in the movies I should ask...
You probably could.
Canopy loading would be an issue, I buttume that rescue canopies have a very low loading, unlike a sport wing, but it would still likely make it exciting. I would have though you'd be unlikely to snap the lines though, better broken limbs all round from a terrible landing than dying I guess.A bigger problem is getting the other person attached well enough. The forces as you exit and when the canopy inflates are huge. Plus they have to keep supporting their own weight from when you release until you get to the ground.
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@Cursorkeys said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
exciting [very high Rate Of Decent]
In my experience the less decent something is, the more exciting it is.
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Cursorkeys said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
exciting [very high Rate Of Decent]
In my experience the less decent something is, the more exciting it is.
Oops
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My doctor said I had only 2 months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 30 years.
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So, a doe walks out of the forest, and says: "That's the last time I do that for two bucks."
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@PJH said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
So, a doe walks out of the forest, and says: "That's the last time I do that for two bucks."
I'm curious now.
Besides, only two? Not really adventurous, was she?
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Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Vladamir Putin walk into a bar.
I don't remember the rest.
Oh, and your mother's a whore.
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@obeselymorbid
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xu-WN1SZFgIFiled Under: I also put the studio cut in the SoTD thread
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Which reminds me of this LiverJournal post I made when Jacko died:
As the state funeral of King Michael I begins, the question of succession hangs heavy over Neverland Palace. Concerns that there will be the same sort of crisis that led to the Disco Regency following the death of Michael's predecessor, Elvis I, have led to a press blackout about the Royal family as the Electors of Hollywood, Broadway and Nashville meet to negotiate to choose a new head of the Pop Monarchy.
As this time, Lord MC Hammer, the Elector of Oakland, has not appeared in public, which means that the Electoral Congress cannot formally convene. Some other Electors, most notably Lord Ozzy, Prince Prince and the Duchess of Bjork, have stated that they will be unable to join the Congress until August at earliest.
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@ScholRLEA said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Prince Prince
:D
@ScholRLEA said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Duchess of Bjork
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From FB, via my son:
I wanted to watch the World Origami Folding Championship on TV, but it was only available on pa-per-view.
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I tried to start an origami business.
It folded.
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@RaceProUK said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@ScholRLEA said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Duchess of Bjork
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Another one from my son:
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks it if it's an alcoholic.
The horse considers all the bars it frequents, and it replies, "I don't think I am." The horse disappears in a *poof!*
Any student of philosophy listening to the joke will be giggling at this point, as they will, of course, be familiar with the proposition Cogito ergo sum, "I think; therefore, I am." However, to explain this ahead of time for the benefit of a listener not familiar with this would be to put de cart before de horse.
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Did you know you can determine an ant's sex by putting it in the water?
If it drowns, it's girl ant.
If it floats, it's buoyant.
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@HardwareGeek said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Another one from my son:
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks it if it's an alcoholic.
The horse considers all the bars it frequents, and it replies, "I don't think I am." The horse disappears in a *poof!*
Any student of philosophy listening to the joke will be giggling at this point, as they will, of course, be familiar with the proposition Cogito ergo sum, "I think; therefore, I am." However, to explain this ahead of time for the benefit of a listener not familiar with this would be to put de cart before de horse.
Any student of philosophy who also knows the basics of mathematical logic will also realise that the horse should not have disappeared, because A=>B has no bearing on whether !A=>!B
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@Jaloopa It does mean !B=>!A