The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
He's surprised why his wife would be so kind to him this morning
Why?
Spoken like a single man.
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@tharpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
He's surprised why his wife would be so kind to him this morning
Why?
Spoken like a single man.
Y'all make compelling arguments to never have a relationship if being married means waking up to a mean wife every day...
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tharpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
He's surprised why his wife would be so kind to him this morning
Why?
Spoken like a single man.
Y'all make compelling arguments to never have a relationship if being married means waking up to a mean wife every day...
I recommend being very selective and vetting very thoroughly and I think too many people simply let hormones rule when getting married.
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Y'all make compelling arguments to never have a relationship if being married means waking up to a mean wife every day...
YMMV. In my experience it means waking up to a sweet and cuddly wife every day.
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@karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tharpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
He's surprised why his wife would be so kind to him this morning
Why?
Spoken like a single man.
Y'all make compelling arguments to never have a relationship if being married means waking up to a mean wife every day...
I recommend being very selective and vetting very thoroughly and I think too many people simply let hormones rule when getting married.
I would be selective and veterinary if I had a real selection to begin with...
So far online hookup sites seem to be just that, and I'm not really interested in flings....
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tharpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
He's surprised why his wife would be so kind to him this morning
Why?
Spoken like a single man.
Y'all make compelling arguments to never have a relationship if being married means waking up to a mean wife every day...
Kind of like reading this forum and deciding to pursue an IT related career.
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
veterinary
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
selective and veterinary
I don't think that form of marriage is legal, although I'm sure there are groups working on it.
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@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
veterinary
I apparently can't type vetting.
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@tsaukpaetra Autocorrect strikes again!
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@masonwheeler Filed under: Laugh as yep
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@tsaukpaetra
And here I thought it was just a comment on the bitches the dating apps try to hook you up with
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@izzion said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tsaukpaetra
And here I thought it was just a comment on the bitches the dating apps try to hook you up withI've had much more meaningful success with bitches than human bitches, I'll give you that.
All my bitches love me (sometimes too much).
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Went down the pub the other day with my mates. I told them I couldn't stay long, because I was waiting for something to arrive. I told them, "I've got to go back to my house, because it's coming home".
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@doctorjones
Except it isn't ...
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@luhmann oh yeah, it'll be against Belgium if we reach the final won't it?
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@doctorjones
First France as an appetizer
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Kind of like reading this forum and deciding to pursue an IT related career.
I got my IT educations and subsequent related career after I found TDWTF. Iirc I started reading the front page and doing occasional forum-lurking back when I was getting my media education.
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@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Y'all make compelling arguments to never have a relationship if being married means waking up to a mean wife every day...
YMMV. In my experience it means waking up to a sweet and cuddly wife every day.
There's also the loyalty factor adjustment to be applied when evaluating reports like this.
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The TV licence man has just been to the door.
He said, "Have you got a TV?".
"No", I replied.
"You must have!" he said, "you've got an Aerial on the roof!".
I replied, "I've got milk in the fridge, but it doesn't mean I've got a cow!".
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During labor, the pain is so great, a woman can almost imagine what it feels like when Neymar gets fouled.
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@obeselymorbid autocorrect
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@doctorjones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Went down the pub the other day with my mates. I told them I couldn't stay long, because I was waiting for something to arrive. I told them, "I've got to go back to my house, because it's coming home".
@luhmann said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@doctorjones
Except it isn't ...I guess @Luhmann called it... although this doesn't seem to have gone to plan either:
@luhmann said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@doctorjones
First France as an appetizerAs an Australian with very little interest in I don't really care, but I admit I was hoping England would lose at some point so we could finally get rid of "it's coming home". So, success as far as I'm concerned :D
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@scarlet_manuka
Hey at least we get to beat England for a second time!
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@scarlet_manuka
Maybe "it" was always the consolation match
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@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
veterinary
Isn't veterinary the adjectival form of vetting?
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@tharpa No.
(from wiktionary)
veterinary: Of or relating to the medical or surgical treatment of animals, especially domestic and farm animals.vetting: A checking or investigation.
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@scholrlea
So there's this guy, lives out in the middle of nowhere in Alaska, mostly off the land, surprisingly sans-manifesto, but really does not prefer to interact with people. But, once a year in the summer, he treks to town to buy stuff he can't make himself.One year, he notices this guy with a wagon with a sign with the slogan "Problems Fixed", with a fair bit of traffic. He watches closer and sees that the products are all sorts of strange and varied knickknacks, ranging from tools to medicines. On even closer inspection, he overhears that a lot of these are repeat customers.
So, he gets in line and waits to talk to the wagonkeep. As he's nearing the head, he observes that the pattern of transaction goes as follows: The customer describes a problem they can't solve, and the merchant sells them a solution.
When he gets to the head of the line, he says to the merchant "Sometimes there's a bad winter or a dry summer, and I can't find anything to eat". The wagonkeep pokes around a bit and finds a little glass bottle and says, "Drip one drop of this in front of your fireplace, and you'll get something to eat. Fifty dollars." He nearly comes unglued at the price, but he's got it, so he goes ahead and buys the bottle.
That winter's bad. Real bad, and he can't find anything to shoot or trap, and no fish in the river, and no bark left he's willing to eat. So he decides "better see what I paid for", and gets the glass bottle. He unstoppers it and lets a sticky green drop fall.
And, where it fell, there's a weird looking fish with both eyes on the same side of its head. It doesn't look like anything he's ever caught, but he's hungry enough that it looks good to eat, so he frys it up as best he can, and eats it. It's pretty good.
Next day, he's lucky enough to come across a hibernating bear, and he lives pretty good for awhile.
Summer's pretty dry. Gets dryer. Once the grasshoppers have got too well trained to the situation to catch, and every trap is empty, and the heat is setting off his powder, he heads inside and gets out the bottle. "Hope it's something else this time."
Same weird-looking fish, though. Tastes about the same.
Later that summer, he heads into town to trade again. Now he knows where to look, it's not hard to find the wagon. When he gets to the head of the line this time, he says to the merchant "I ain't really got no problems left, but what's with the fish?"
The merchant replies, "Well,
absinthe makes the hearth grow flounder."
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They say coffee is addictive. I've been drinking coffee daily for over twenty years, I think I'd know if it were addictive.
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@izzion Nope
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@doctorjones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid autocorrect
Your autocorrect is programmed for Disney princesses?
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@blakeyrat I Snow White you mean. I can't really turn it off though, Elsa'd make loads more typos, and end up looking like a right Belle end.
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Today’s MIL joke:
How do you turn a mosquito into a vegetable?
Squash it.
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@m_adams I was expecting I'd need to breath a ton of mercury vapor. This seems simpler.
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It's kind of funny how everyone seems to sleep a bit differently.
For example I prefer to sleep on my right side, my friend always sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps around.
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Why does the Norwegian Navy have bar codes on the sides of their ships?
When they come back to port, they can Scandinavian.
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Over the weekend I went to the clothing store to buy some camouflage pants.
But I couldn't find any.
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@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Y'all make compelling arguments to never have a relationship if being married means waking up to a mean wife every day...
YMMV. In my experience it means waking up to a sweet and cuddly wife every day.
Yeah, but you've only been married for 5 minutes
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New MIL joke:
I just realized it's been years since I've done the hokey pokey!
I guess I forgot what that was all about.
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Marriage is solving together all the problems you wouldn't even have if you lived alone.
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A large group of Asian tourists enter a photo studio in Europe in order to make photos for their visas.
The photographer takes the pictures and tells them to come back in an hour. He browses through the pictures and thinks why bother making all the photos when they are all exactly alike and he'll save himself some work. So he selects one picture and prints a copy for every guy in the group.Later when the clients come back to get the photos one of them confronts the photographer:
"This isn't my picture."
"Huh, how the hell it isn't your picture?" asks the photographer. "Is it not your face?"
"It is my face, but it's not my shirt" replies the client.
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@obeselymorbid Which backwards corner of Europe were they in that still uses analog photos?
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@PleegWat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid Which backwards corner of Europe were they in that still uses analog photos?
The joke is pretty old, I just stumbled on it again.
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@PleegWat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid Which backwards corner of Europe were they in that still uses analog photos?
He didn't say it was in the present. (Well, apart from the present tense.)
I still have an analog camera.
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@tharpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I still have an analog camera.
So do I, though I haven't had any analog film for at least a decade.