The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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@dangeRuss In particular:
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@dangeRuss said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@wharrgarbl said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Zecc I don't get it
s/prints/prince/gi
Funny, that's the same principle this other joke uses.
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@anonymous234 said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/68sa9o/a_father_in_iraq_gifted_his_daughter_a_new_bag/
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How did the playable character from The Legend of Zelda series become the Hero of Time?
After his fighting days, he was always first in when the news magazine's online division needed to embed a link
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A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.
He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.
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Posting here because, even though he actually told this yesterday. ...with a straight face, so I wonder if he saw the funny in it...
A colleague of mine asked people at Airbus about their development practices.
"Honestly", they answered, "we just wing it!"
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Last place I worked, I was finishing up giving a daily progress report to my project lead, and he told me "now I just need to meet with Dinesh (one of our Tata onshored contractors) for a little pow-wow".
I looked him right in the eye and said "please tell me you did not just say you want a pow-wow with an Indian".
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@PJH said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
A dyslexic friend of mine
How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?
Steven
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@PJH said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
[laying on dëáthbed]
IKEA furniture names are just the worst
Decorate your shelves with a Mäinkµnn Kàtt, the newest item from the IKEA catalog! Now available in silver-white.
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Why did the Chuckle Brothers join British Gas?
To meter you.
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@PJH oh dear
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@PJH said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@PJH said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
[laying on dëáthbed]
IKEA furniture names are just the worst
Decorate your shelves with a Mäinkµnn Kàtt, the newest item from the IKEA catalog! Now available in silver-white.
http://s3.amazonaws.com/save22.com-catalogue-picture-bucket/23082_IKEA_Singapore_0_thumbnail.jpeg
IKEA calls this paper lamp STORM. A better name would have been BØTTÜL.
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@da-Doctah said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
http://s3.amazonaws.com/save22.com-catalogue-picture-bucket/23082_IKEA_Singapore_0_thumbnail.jpeg
IKEA calls this paper lamp STORM. A better name would have been BØTTÜL.
It's a pity it's too big to fit in a teacup.
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@Zecc Do Americans pronounce it as /bɔɪ/ ?
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@coldandtired I've always pronounced it \ˈbü-ē, but i've heard both pronunciations with about the same frequency. It's probably regional.
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@abarker said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@coldandtired I've always pronounced it \ˈbü-ē, but i've heard both pronunciations with about the same frequency. It's probably regional.
I think the kind that sounds like "boy" belongs to certain accents.. I want to say it'd sound that way in Boston?
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@coldandtired It's an RP vs American thing.
(Yay for “helpful” onebox; have a cut-n-paste)
Pronunciation
- (Received Pronunciation) IPA: /bɔɪ/
Rhymes: -ɔɪ
Homophone: boy - (General American) IPA: /ˈbu.i/
- (Received Pronunciation) IPA: /bɔɪ/
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@dkf That's what I thought, so I was surprised the joke got so many upvotes.
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@coldandtired It's not less of a bad pun.
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How much does it cost to buy corn from a pirate?
A buck an ear.
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Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."
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A moth goes into a podiatrist's office.
He says "Doc, I don't know what to do. I just lost my job, I'm completely broke, one of my kids died recently and I'm pretty sure my wife is cheating on me. I'm so depressed I'm thinking about killing myself."
The doctor says "You have some very serious problems, but you need a psychiatrist not a podiatrist. Why did you come in here?"
And the moth says "Because the light was on."
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@El_Heffe said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Because the light was on
I'm afraid I don't understand...
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I'm afraid I don't understand...
Moth
Yes, that's what it was. What's that got to do with a foot doctor though?
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@Tsaukpaetra The moth went there because it's a moth and the light as on and moths fly to lights. It's a bad joke.
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra The moth went there because it's a moth and the light as on and moths fly to lights. It's a bad joke.
So the psychiatrist didn't... Have.... Oh.
I think that lightbulb just illuminated for myself........
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I think that lightbulb just illuminated for myself
Beware of moths!
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Q; What do Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
A: Icy dead people.
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@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Q; What do Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
A: Icy dead people.
I like this one too much. I am a horrible person.
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Q: What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
A: Aye matey!
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I saw a group of developers throwing $1 bills at each other after a particularly gruesome code review.
Turns out they were just passing the buck.
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You may have heard that many businesses are theoretically Delaware corporations, due to extremely favorable legislation in the state of Delaware, leading to them being incorporated in the state in name only but having no offices or employees there. But did you hear that the state of Missouri is implementing a lot of the same policies, in an attempt to bring in more registrations?
Yeah. Turns out Missouri loves companies.
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Slutty women are like Wal-Mart.
Everyone makes fun of them, but if you're in one at 4am you're glad they exist.
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A young woman is sitting next to a Catholic priest on a plane. As the plane is landing the woman turns to the priest "Father, I'm embarrassed to ask but could you help me please? I've bought a new expensive shaver for women which needs to be declared but I have no money to pay taxes on it. Could you hide it under your soutane so that customs officers will not find it?"
"It's a great sin to lie, my child. On the other hand my obligation is to help people any way I can. I'll try to think of something."
The plane lands. Passengers are going through the customs. An officer asks the priest: "Do you have anything to declare under that soutane of yours, Father?"
"Nothing above my belt, my son."
"What about below it?"
"Below the belt I have a tool for women that has never been used."
"Move along, Father. Next!"
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Below the belt I have a tool for women that has never been used.
Lies!
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Below the belt I have a tool for women that has never been used.
Lies!
Choirboys don't count.
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Q: What happens to a minstrel who commits grave violations against music?
A: He gets dis-bard.
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Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you going? What do you do?
Miner: Mine.
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A teenage guy comes home very sad. Father asks him what's wrong.
"Well I met this girl today. I liked her very much. I tried to ask her out, but she interrupted me with a series of questions: "Do you have a Rolex?" I had to admit I don't. "Do you drive a Mercedes" - "No" - "Do you have a three storey villa?" - "No". Then she said she doesn't want anything to do with me."
Father thinks about it a bit:
"All right.
If she doesn't appreciate your Piaget watch, I'll give you my old Rolex.
You can sell your Bentley and buy a couple Mercedes cars.
But I can tell you straight away: no woman on this earth is worth demolishing fourth and fifth floors of our house."
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"Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
"Hmm, I'm not sure how to explain. See those two trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see four trees instead."
"There's just one tree, dad."
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What might be the name of a happy, singing flower?
Smiley Iris.