The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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@Jaloopa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
most all Brits will be aware and have watched it as children
or south-africans
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@Jaloopa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
The name breaking bad was made up and retconned to have meant something all along
It's not made up, it's just extremely regional (like-- three counties of one state regional). The writer of the show actually did an interview where he said he had no idea how regional it was, he assumed everybody knew what it meant.
EDIT: oh awesome. I'm replying to a year-old post, because whenever I hit the double down-arrow in the navigation of this topic, it takes me UP to post 163. NodeBB can go fuck itself.
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@blakeyrat I think every point in that post was meant to be anyway
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@boomzilla That was so bad you should get off your own lawn.
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@FrostCat I'm inside so I ALREADY DID.
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Text message (based on 08/01 Frank and Ernest):
Cave woman, holding boulder as caveman struts away: "I'd like to think that, someday, when a man wants to get married, he'll offer more than just a rock."
Response:
Personally, I think she just feels taken for granite.
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@Maciejasjmj said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@LB_ said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Stupid, useless bricks. No one will ever love you.
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Moo.
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Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na
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Is funny because:
Sodium, atomic number 11, was first isolated by Peter Dager in 1807. A chemical component of salt, he named it Na in honor of the saltiest region on earth, North America.
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@JazzyJosh Specifically regarding the then-recent discovery by Lewis and Clarke of the Bonneville Salt Flats, nat
riumurally. Do you believe that?™
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@aliceif Da-ger. Long a.
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@JazzyJosh said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@aliceif Da-ger. Long a.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjYu5ZmDyZ4
Not according to Peter Dager.
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@ben_lubar said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Not according to Peter Dager.
His name is also not spelt dagger. So
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@Tsaukpaetra
It is, you just spell dager wrong
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@Luhmann said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra
It is, you just spell dager wrongSuch triggering! (that's pronounced "tree-ga-ring". Put the stress wherever you want, it's probably approximately equally funny any way.)
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@FrostCat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Luhmann said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra
It is, you just spell dager wrongSuch triggering! (that's pronounced "tree-ga-ring". Put the stress wherever you want, it's probably approximately equally funny any way.)
No no no, it's pronounced "tree-djer-eng"....
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What do these two Russian national symbols – matryoshka and a bottle of vodka – have in common?
When you open one, you can be sure there's gonna be a second and a third one...
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Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.
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Plenty of folks know that a certain yodeling, guitar-pickin', bomb-riding rodeo clown turned cowboy singer grew up a poor farm boy during the Depression, but not many know that even then, there was something special about him: he had got to sleep at the White House as a young boy. The story of how that happened is rather interesting.
You see, young Slim had an uncle who went by the name of Red, and this uncle was a lot better off than the rest of his brothers' families because he was so smart, with a head for figures and a gift for getting jobs done. He came to manage all the dairy shipments for much of Southern California by 1917, in fact, and this got the attention of Herbert Hoover, who at the time was running the wartime food deliveries going to Europe. He became Hoover's right hand man, and organized most of the food production throughout the West Coast through to the end of the war, and after Armistice he joined Hoover is getting relief supplies to the civilians who had been displaced during the war.
In 1920, as the relief work was winding down, Hoover came to talk to Red, saying, "I don't know what I would have ever done without you, my friend. We all owe you a debt of thanks for this."
Red leaned back in his chair and said, "I sure do appreciate you sayin' so. I just hope we never haveta do something like this back home someday, it would be a right mess." (and those words would one day come to haunt the both of them, for certain.)
"Well, Red, I want to find some way to repaid you for your hard work," Hoover said, "If there is anything I can give you, I promise I will do my best to give it to you."
Red thought for a bit, then said, with remarkable foresight, "I reckon that with things going as the y are, you'll be President one day not too long from now. If that should happen, I would surely like it if you would let me hold our family reunion at the White House. I warn you, though, I have a might big family, so you better be prepared."
Hoover agreed, thinking that nothing would come of it. However, in due time he did indeed win the Presidency, and recalling the promise he had made, he magnanimously started making arrangements from the first to let Red's family have the honor of staying in the Capitol one weekend the next summer.
The day before the reunion, Red came by to make sure everything was in order, knowing that his kin were already on trains towards D.C. and set to arrive the next morning. He reminded Hoover of how large his family was, and asked him how many beds were available.
"The White House has six main bedrooms, all of which have a king-sized bed in them, so if you double up it should help. Aside from that, there are ten more rollaway beds that I have had brought in for them rest of them," Hoover said graciously.
Red shook his head sadly. "T'aint enough I'm afraid," he finally said, "You'll need at least another ten of them folding beds of yours, less'n you want my kin camped out on the White House lawn, and that just wouldn't look right to folks." (And these words, too, were eerily prophetic in a way they would come to regret.)
"Are you serious? I don't want to set up extra sleeping arrangements if we won't need them."
"Don't worry, Mr. President," Red said with a smile, "Just put your faith in me, and they'll be a Pickens in every cot."
Filed Under: Yeah, I know, I know, stage name, but the joke won't work otherwise...
EDIT: I just realized I was confusing Slim Pickens (the actor) with Slim Whitman (the country-western singer). I R A dumbass.
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One snowman said to the other, “That’s funny. I smell carrots, too.”
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
One snowman said to the other, “That’s funny. I smell carrots, too.”
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There once was a Jewish rabbi who was decided he should learn more about the wide variety of world cultures so that he could best help Jews to apply their religion while living in those cultures. He decided to follow the example of the wisest man who ever lived, King Solomon ben-David, and experience these cultures for himself by living within one for a year, and then move on to another.
In his travels around the world, he came across this particular race of people called Trids, who had a very odd custom. They lived near a hill, at the top of which lived a giant, who was usually peaceful. The autochthons usually got along well with the giant (by ignoring him and his hill), but during their New Year's celebration, the rabbi noticed that these natives would run up the hill towards the giant, screaming and yelling all the way, as if they were going to attack the giant. The giant meanwhile just stood calmly there at the top of the hill, until one of the locals reached the top, at which time he'd kick the person back down the hill. The one who was kicked would roll all the way down to the bottom of the hill, where he'd jump up and charge back up the hill to do it all over again.
The rabbi found this a curious behavior, and after considering it, decided that the only way he could understand their actions was to try it himself. So, he "girded up his loins" and sprinted up the hill. However, when he reached the top, the giant simply ignored him. He wondered if maybe he hadn't vocalized enough as he ran, so he went back down the hill to try again. Again, when he reached the top, the giant ignored him. He wondered if maybe he hadn't run fast enough, so he tried it again. Yet, again the giant ignored him when he reached the top.
The rabbi wondered if there was something else he was doing wrong, so he went back down the hill, studied how the people ran up the hill, got kicked back down, and ran up again; but he didn't see how he had done anything differently than they had. Perplexed, he went to the chief of the Trid village to inquire about the practice.
He asked the leader, "I've studied how your people observe this ritual of rushing the giant at the top of the hill, but I cannot understand why he might be ignoring me when I try to participate. Might you have any insight to the giant's selective reactions?"
The chief just looked at him for a moment, then burst out laughing.
"Hahahahahahahahoohahahaheeheehahahahooheeha!" Between bouts of his expressions of hilarity, the chief was barely able to squeak out, "Silly rabbi! Kicks are for Trids!"
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@djls45 Oldie, but baddie?
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
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Today's palindrome:
A TOYOTA RACECAR
Wait.
Shit.
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Today's palindrome:
A TOYOTA RACECAR
Wait.
Shit.To this I say: hah!
Filed Under: Why so crabby?
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This one's from Cortana:
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
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@aliceif TIL Train conductors drive the train
INB4: That's why it's in the bad jokes topic :p
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INB4: He was subsequently imprisoned for bad conduct.
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Most people who posted to DFC wouldn't bother to collect the URLs for all the strips where they got a caption in the Green Zone. Fewer still would post it to a forum for no good reason.
But it takes a special kind of egotistical asshole to post them, including the ones which got rejected but which some other poster salvaged.
Permit me to demonstrate such an asshole: myself.
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/474.html
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/image.php?image=474.gif
Sure, the condolence gifts were nice, and having Thel back out of ICU was wonderful, but what really made our day was the news that Bil hadn't pulled through that last operation. - Phillip Jose Keane, as quoted in Kitty Kelly's Circus of the Scarshttp://dfc.furr.org/archive/475.html
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/image.php?image=475.gif
A janitor in a train station finds the dead body of a drunken, abusive cartoonist slumped against a wall. An empty Pez dispenser falls from his limp hand, but the janitor just throws it into the nearby grass and goes to get the police. Out on the grass amidst the fireflies, the spectral images of hydrocephalic children arise - opening scene of Isao Takahata's anime classic, Grave of the Melonheadshttp://dfc.furr.org/archive/476.html
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/image.php?image=476.gif
"Dolly, listen to reason. You've been standing there for over seven hours, and you're holding up someone else's wedding. Face the facts--Calvin left you at the altar again."http://dfc.furr.org/archive/477.html
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/image.php?image=477.gif
By performing the mysterious, twisting dance, the drone Melon is able to tell the others where the alcohol and drugs can be found. Field Guide for the Lesser North American Keanehttp://dfc.furr.org/archive/479.html
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/image.php?image=479.gif
"No, PJ, you can't go back in there, no matter how hard you try."http://dfc.furr.org/archive/482.html
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/image.php?image=482.gif
Watcher Archives File #482:Billy 'The Kid' Keane - Subject is a notorious coward, and only leaves holy ground when absolutely necessary. This, combined with his complete lack of a neck, has kept him alive since he was first identified in 1689. He had repeatedly blackmailed married couples into 'adopting' him, in a futile effort to recreate the family that abandoned him three centuries ago.http://dfc.furr.org/archive/483.html
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/image.php?image=483.gif
"So, you're the new interns, then? Well then, Bil's in the rumpus room, you'd better get your clothes off and get started."http://dfc.furr.org/archive/484.html
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/image.php?image=484.gif
"I know you mean well and all, but let's be honest, Thel, if you want me to look less butch, dropping the steroid treatments would probably be more effective than a 'Hello Kitty' binder..."
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/485.html
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/image.php?image=485.gif
"?" "!"http://dfc.furr.org/archive/492.html
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/image.php?image=492.gif
It surrounds us, it penetrates us, it binds the galaxy together. If you follow me to my bedroom, you too can learn the ways of the Circle.http://dfc.furr.org/archive/494.html
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/image.php?image=494.gif
"How could he? I've spent weeks setting up this deal, and Bil blew it all before we even got to the dinner table!"http://dfc.furr.org/archive/500.html
http://dfc.furr.org/archive/image.php?image=500.gif
We shot and reshot the scene for two whole days - hell, we hadda replace the fake tear so many times we used up a whole bottle of glycerine. But the little bastard was so pleased with himself that he beat me outta the final solo that he just wouldn' wipe that damn smirk off his face. - Jeffy Keane, as quoted in Kitty Kelly's Circus of the Scars
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@ScholRLEA said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Most people who posted to DFC wouldn't bother to collect the URLs for all the strips where they got a caption in the Green Zone. Fewer still would post it to a forum for no good reason.
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Has my humor changes since I've become a father?
Sure. Now I tell dad joke.
Then I tell dad other joke.
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Statistics show that 69% of people will see something lewd in any innocent phrase.
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I bought a thesaurus, but when I arrived home I found its pages were blank.
I have no words for how angry I am.
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
lewd in any innocent phrase.
Innocent's not that lewd! He's a fairly OK guy in all fairness.
Filed under: FFS Who names their kid "Soda pop"?!?
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