The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨
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@heterodox said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
(Bonus: I asked my Mexican friend how they felt about the US building a wall.
They said they'd get over it.)
I would like to see a list with 195 entries.
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Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They are both cauldron.
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A man walks up to a bar.
His coach says "look, if you really want to become a professional athlete you need to take High Jump seriously".
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My girlfriendβs cat died recently, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She was livid. She said, βWhat am I going to do with two dead cats?'
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A magician once told me that he could disappear on a count of three.
I asked him to show me, so he counted...
Uno...
Dos...
...and then he vanished without a tres.
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@doctorjones said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
A magician once told me that he could disappear on a count of three.
I asked him to show me, so he counted...
Uno...
Dos...
...and then he vanished without a trace.
I'm afraid I don't understand. Is this a joke of expectation?
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Joke explained
If one would keep counting in Spanish they would have gotten to _Tres_, but the magician in the joke was gone even before that and hence "without a _tres_".This is the bad jokes topic, so a bad pun qualifies.
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@jbert said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
Joke explained
If one would keep counting in Spanish they would have gotten to _Tres_, but the magician in the joke was gone even before that and hence "without a _tres_".This is the bad jokes topic, so a bad pun qualifies.
Ah, thanks. That makes sense.
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The best jokes are the ones you have to explain! ;-)
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What do you call a computer that sings?
A Dell.
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Just cleaned an old lamp with a duster and out popped this genie, and now there's a foot-high bloke sitting here playing the piano.
Deaf twat.
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@pjh I refer you to my earlier version of this joke
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@jaloopa said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
and then the room fills up with geese.
So... What did that guy do with all the geese?
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
So... What did that guy do with all the geese?
In keeping with the spirit of the joke, I'm going to say he started a goose farm, aggressively grew it until he was the main supplier of goose for the country, and used the profits to fund various philanthropic initiatives, ultimately reducing poverty and inequality across the world, helping to end wars, terrorism and crime
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I've got one of those new George Formby grills.
When it's finished cooking it says "Turned out nice again"
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Why do golf pros wear two pairs of socks?
In case they get a hole in one!
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My son found this in his Facebook feed, or some such source of drivel, and told me this morning:
It's easy to keep ladies from eating Tide Pods, but it's harder to deter gents.
Yes, it was a dad telling the joke. How did you guess?
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A patient came to do a surgery today and told me he did his bowel prep.
It turned out he was full of shit.
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I rode my bicycle to the alcohol shop, bought a bottle of whiskey.
Before riding back home, I looked at the bottle in the bicycle basket and thought it would surely get smashed to pieces if I accidentally fall on my way back.
So I just drank the whole bottle and then went home.It was a wise decision, because indeed I fell 7 times before I got home.
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I was having anger issues, so my psychiatrist told me to write letters to all the people I hate and then burn them.
I did exactly that.Now I just wonder what am I supposed to do with the letters.
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Presented without explanation (someone will figure it out):
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@heterodox So, Picard is standing in water and holding up Riker in some ballet pose and shit. Fly through the air, Number One?
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@lolwhat said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
holding up
Looks like both of Picard's hands are on this side of Riker's body.
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@heterodox well the caption is "nobody puts Riker in a corner". Is that supposed to mean something?
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@heterodox well the caption is "nobody puts Riker in a corner". Is that supposed to mean something?
No, I realized you can check the Imgur page but it didn't have the punchline I was expecting.
Edit: Changed the Imgur page so you can view the punchline if you give up.
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@heterodox said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
so you can view the punchline
I still don't get it... oh well.
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Swan Frakes?
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@heterodox said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
so you can view the punchline
I still don't get it... oh well.
ROT13 explanation: Vg'f n cha ba gur cuenfr "ubvfgrq ol uvf bja crgneq".
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@heterodox said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
crgneq
Ah. Had to look that up. Those darn pop culture references!
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I upgraded my phone. Has a 16 megapickle camera.
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@el_heffe I have seen that phone, used as the phone for a burger restaurant.
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@pie_flavor said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@el_heffe I have seen that phone, used as the phone for a burger restaurant.
And famously used in the movie Juno, which a few years later inspired me to create this in response to a certain space probe reaching its destination:
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What kind of train eats to much?
A chew chew train!
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Where do you go to see how heavy your whale is?
A whale weigh station
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@lolwhat said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@heterodox So, Picard is standing in water and holding up Riker in some ballet pose and shit. Fly through the air, Number One?
Does the shape remind you of anything?
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@doctorjones said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
What kind of train eats to much?
A chew chew train!I went through life until now not getting "Choo Choo Charlie".
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An American tourist is walking through a park in Berlin at night when a pervert flashes her.
"Gross!" she exclaims.
"Danke."
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had a prototype machine that could transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% to start, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted it to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, the decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the transfer was helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL of the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the front yard.
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Autocorrect sometimes makes me type things I didn't Nintendo.
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My friend is addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
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When I found out my toaster wasn't waterpfroof
I was shocked.