Tinder is shit
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@admiral_p said in Tinder is shit:
an adult virgin may engender curiosity in many people who may have had their fair share of experiences with people of the world and are fascinated by something which is, for today's standards, "pure".
That's not quite the assumption.
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@admiral_p said in Tinder is shit:
socially awkward
The problem with this particular description is that it is (or I've seen it be) misused far too often.
@admiral_p said in Tinder is shit:
engender curiosity
fascinated by something which is, for today's standards, "pure"Yeah, I got that sort of reaction back when I was not even 20 yet. And it was horrible. Perhaps one should want to embrace it as a quality and become an exhibit A of that particular sort, but it's a tough pill to swallow.
Made a mistake of talking about it with a psychologist. A fine young woman at that, almost the movie kind. But I was very polite about all that in case you might think otherwise, because I did believe an honest talk might help me. She laughed out loud, a goddamn professional. She did realize the horrible faux pas and attempted "want to talk about it", give advice and steer the rather one-sided at that point conversation away and all that, but it was too big a discouragement. I stopped listening even to things which, in retrospect, might have been valid.
Anyway, as one that thinks somewhat mechanically by dint of being "good with cómputers", I also realize the long odds of all that, and I would often declare them not worth pursuing the same way I don't play lotteries. I know for a fact that people win the jackpots all the time (well, lotteries are mandated by law over here, but it will do for the sake of example).
Finally, I'm not sure there is adequately anything of me to give in a relationship, romantically inclined or otherwise. I might be overthinking it (partly because what else there is to do), but the hobbies I have and the things I enjoy are a product of me and me having spent so much time in my own little world (and they have shaped me in return). I would presume that if I'm not able to present at least some somewhat attractive possibilities to substitute time spent daydreaming with something equally captivating, we'd likely be stuck at our homes playing vidja games or watching Netflix, etc. - but wait - we're doing that already! There's no need for all the awkwardness in between. Well, there is, but...
Filed under: Pining Philosophers Problem
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@Benjamin-Hall said in Tinder is shit:
This is one reason why I don't generally talk about my social issues--people who are already good at making friends think that if it's easy for them, it should be easy for others. Which is seriously presumptuous. It's like a bird telling a worm "flying's easy. Just spread your wings..."
I'm pretty shit at making friends, but it is doable if you genuinely want to and don't go into it with the mindset that you're definitely going to fail.
For me, I'm interested in science and skepticism so when a skeptics in the pub group started in my town I started going. I forced myself to talk to the organiser, whoever I ended up sitting near, even the speaker if they were available. That's quite an easy one if you're interested in the topic as there's got to be something you want to know more about from the talk so it's an obvious way into conversation.The second talk I went to the topic was autism, which wasn't something I knew about or had had anything to do with in the past, but it was a good talk and the speaker was my type, so I asked her some questions and we got talking. Long story short, she's the now mother of my children.
So yeah, if you find a group based around shared interests then you're already a decent way along as you'll know you all have at least one thing in common and can work from there. Have a look on Meetup, see if there's anything near you and just give it a go. Worst case, you make an idiot of yourself and don't go again; you've given some amusement to some people you'll never see again
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@Jaloopa said in Tinder is shit:
don't go into it with the mindset that you're definitely going to fail
That's what Yoda said.
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@Applied-Mediocrity Wise, he was
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@Tsaukpaetra said in Tinder is shit:
@admiral_p said in Tinder is shit:
My biggest problem is that I'm choosy.
If any of your rejects are in AZ, referrals accepted. :P
If refuse to believe anyone would voluntarily move , at least any more than getting your clothes off, in AZ in the first place.
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@Jaloopa said in Tinder is shit:
Have a look on Meetup, see if there's anything near you and just give it a go
Never heard of this thing before, but that's excellent advice, there's quite a lot on there. Found some interesting stuff round me. And this one which managed a great pun in the tag line:
As I don't qualify as a lesbian I'll have to join the local geek group instead and see how this all works. Hopefully Facebook is not involved anywhere as I don't have it.
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@Benjamin-Hall said in Tinder is shit:
Like men and women, people who find interpersonal relationships intuitive and easy and those who struggle often find it hard to communicate effectively.
Which is why the advice to try online dating is horrible. It doesn't make that problem go away but instead makes it worse since the non-verbal cues associated with in-person interaction aren't there.
@Jaloopa said in Tinder is shit:
Have a look on Meetup, see if there's anything near you and just give it a go. Worst case, you make an idiot of yourself and don't go again; you've given some amusement to some people you'll never see again
This is a very good way to widen your social circle. You just have to sign up for meetups involving things you're interested in.
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@Jaloopa said in Tinder is shit:
don't go into it with the mindset that you're definitely going to fail.
And that's already where I have my first
bird telling a worm "flying's easy. Just spread your wings..."
-Moment. Don't get me wrong, your advice may be good, but that little thing can already be a huge obstacle to some people...
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@antiquarian said in Tinder is shit:
@Benjamin-Hall said in Tinder is shit:
Like men and women, people who find interpersonal relationships intuitive and easy and those who struggle often find it hard to communicate effectively.
Which is why the advice to try online dating is horrible. It doesn't make that problem go away but instead makes it worse since the non-verbal cues associated with in-person interaction aren't there.
Meh, the lack of non-verbal cues can be dealt with. The idea is that first contact could be in written form, you can use the medium to say the kind of stuff that you find harder to say in person, but you save some of yourself for later. If it all stays online there's no use, but you use the online interaction to establish whether there are things in common so that you can go on from there. (With the caveat that you shouldn't fixate on commonalities). It's still better than nothing if you suffer from the inability to meaningfully interact with people in person.
@Jaloopa said in Tinder is shit:
Have a look on Meetup, see if there's anything near you and just give it a go. Worst case, you make an idiot of yourself and don't go again; you've given some amusement to some people you'll never see again
This is a very good way to widen your social circle. You just have to sign up for meetups involving things you're interested in.
Frankly meetups annoy me. Large groups of people make it harder to interact, and the shy/awkward ones are consistently overpowered by the loud/over the top personalities. I personally like small groups (four, five people) any more than that means that I give up and sit back and listen (or just switch off).
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@antiquarian Agreed. I'm actually much better in person, especially when I'm forced (to avoid awkward situations) to strike up a conversation or when someone else starts it. It's the inertia problem. If I have time to think of what I'm going to say (online dating), it'll never happen. Plus the fact that online dating is full of deception and fakery--I do believe I've seen the same profile (loves outdoors stuff! Fishing! Wine! + boobs!) 1000+ times.
My problem with meetup is that I don't know what I'm interested in (beyond some non-social things). I've actually just used it to set up another D&D game, but that's all guys at this point. Still friends, which is good. So there's value there.
I think I'm going to sign up for a speed dating event. Even if (as is likely) nothing comes of it, it's still practice. And since everyone's awkward there (due to format), it might work.
@Akko Agree about the bird/wings moment. It's one of my big hangups that I'm getting over. My brother managed to gaslight me into believing that everything I did/said/was is wrong and will fail. That it's ALWAYS my fault. For everything. Even if I wasn't involved, I screwed it up somehow.
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@admiral_p said in Tinder is shit:
@antiquarian said in Tinder is shit:
@Benjamin-Hall said in Tinder is shit:
Like men and women, people who find interpersonal relationships intuitive and easy and those who struggle often find it hard to communicate effectively.
Which is why the advice to try online dating is horrible. It doesn't make that problem go away but instead makes it worse since the non-verbal cues associated with in-person interaction aren't there.
Meh, the lack of non-verbal cues can be dealt with. The idea is that first contact could be in written form, you can use the medium to say the kind of stuff that you find harder to say in person
Also, some people (and I know one) have a hard time interacting in real time because they need to process and think a bit about what they're going to say. Not that they're slow thinkers, it might be the opposite (too many possible responses going through their mind!). It gets better when they know someone a bit as they can screen faster for the "appropriate" answer, but first contacts are hard.
So text-based communication can be very good since you can take a bit of time to think -- even in a chat, a few seconds before answering won't impede the flow of conversation, whereas in real life that would make things very awkward.
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@Benjamin-Hall said in Tinder is shit:
I've actually just used it to set up another D&D game, but that's all guys at this point. Still friends, which is good. So there's value there.
Friends are a good start. If you get close enough to socialise outside the D&D group then you've got the potential to meet their wider group of friends and some of them might be female (I know they're D&D players, but anything's possible)
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@Benjamin-Hall said in Tinder is shit:
My brother managed to gaslight me into believing that everything I did/said/was is wrong and will fail. That it's ALWAYS my fault. For everything. Even if I wasn't involved, I screwed it up somehow
That must be a bastard to get over. Even without outright abuse, families are exceptionally good at mindfucks. Good luck finding friendship, happiness, fulfillment or whatever you want out of life, and leaving the abuse behind you
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@remi said in Tinder is shit:
@admiral_p said in Tinder is shit:
@antiquarian said in Tinder is shit:
@Benjamin-Hall said in Tinder is shit:
Like men and women, people who find interpersonal relationships intuitive and easy and those who struggle often find it hard to communicate effectively.
Which is why the advice to try online dating is horrible. It doesn't make that problem go away but instead makes it worse since the non-verbal cues associated with in-person interaction aren't there.
Meh, the lack of non-verbal cues can be dealt with. The idea is that first contact could be in written form, you can use the medium to say the kind of stuff that you find harder to say in person
Also, some people (and I know one) have a hard time interacting in real time because they need to process and think a bit about what they're going to say. Not that they're slow thinkers, it might be the opposite (too many possible responses going through their mind!). It gets better when they know someone a bit as they can screen faster for the "appropriate" answer, but first contacts are hard.
So text-based communication can be very good since you can take a bit of time to think -- even in a chat, a few seconds before answering won't impede the flow of conversation, whereas in real life that would make things very awkward.
Yeah, that's my description for example. The way I have dealt it with is certainly suboptimal (I have a "book" of socially acceptable responses for light conversation) but it's better than nothing. I still fuck it up now and again because I'm awfully sincere and I hate social "games", but I did get better in time. Plus, the truth is, if somebody is attracted to you, and not just superficially, you can stutter your way through and say sort-of cringey stuff etc. but it often won't really matter. (As long as you don't come across as a total creep of course :D ).
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@Rhywden said in Tinder is shit:
With men, it's either a physical attribution or something else that's prominent (usually in a funny way)
Way ahead of you.
Seriously, my main circle of friends consists of 6 married couples, 3 of which met through online dating so if I were single I'd be all over that.
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@Applied-Mediocrity said in Tinder is shit:
She laughed out loud, a goddamn professional.
Holy fuck!
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@Benjamin-Hall said in Tinder is shit:
My brother managed to gaslight me into believing that everything I did/said/was is wrong and will fail. That it's ALWAYS my fault. For everything. Even if I wasn't involved, I screwed it up somehow.
Ouch...
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@Tsaukpaetra said in Tinder is shit:
@Benjamin-Hall said in Tinder is shit:
My brother managed to gaslight me into believing that everything I did/said/was is wrong and will fail. That it's ALWAYS my fault. For everything. Even if I wasn't involved, I screwed it up somehow.
Ouch...
Yeah, the worst part was that it took until just a few years ago (so ~15 years later) to realize fully that that was what had gone on. Once I did, the hold it had weakened tremendously.
Kids are impressionable, especially when people are pretty subtle about it. Leads to a heck of a time second-guessing yourself, even when you know (at the conscious level) there's no reason to.
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@coldandtired said in Tinder is shit:
@Steve_The_Cynic said in Tinder is shit:
ITYM "don't inject religion into anything."
Baby steps. There's already far too much religion on what is supposed to be a tech forum.
Spoken like a vim user.
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@Benjamin-Hall said in Tinder is shit:
My problem with meetup is that I don't know what I'm interested in (beyond some non-social things).
Let us pick some stuff for you. What could go wrong?
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In a completely unrelated online discussion, this interesting video was just posted:
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@boomzilla Looks interesting. Might watch that at some point, but right now I had to turn it off after one minute of getting annoyed by the scratching-a-marker-on-paper sound.
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@Jaloopa said in Tinder is shit:
some of them might be female (I know they're D&D players, but anything's possible)
It certainly is; my daughter plays D&D. No, she's not available (especially to you nerds :P ).
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D&D
you nerds
I have some news for you.
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@HardwareGeek at the thought of WTDWTFers meeting his daughter:
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@boomzilla said in Tinder is shit:
@coldandtired said in Tinder is shit:
@Steve_The_Cynic said in Tinder is shit:
ITYM "don't inject religion into anything."
Baby steps. There's already far too much religion on what is supposed to be a tech forum.
Spoken like a vim user.
Hey, I resemble that remark!
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@izzion said in Tinder is shit:
@HardwareGeek at the thought of WTDWTFers meeting his daughter:
No, I don't own any firearms. And I'm rather a bit older and grayer than him. And less handsome. And now I'm sad, too.
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This thread has taken a turn in a direction that I have some experience in. Whether my experience is useful to anyone else, well, I'll let you be the judge of that.
I used to be very shy and socially awkward, probably as much so as most of you, if not moreso. I did a few things that gradually, little by little, overcame the shyness and lack of social skills. For the most part, I didn't do them to meet people or acquire skills; I did them because I enjoyed doing them. This really is the key, I think; do things you enjoy (or think you might enjoy), without any expectation of meeting anyone (especially a romantic interest), just because you enjoy them — as long as they involve a group of some sort — sitting at home playing Skyrim isn't going to help your social life.
Back in the day, maybe a year out of uni, I got involved with some soc.* groups on Usenet. Yes, that's sitting at home on the computer, but one day one of the local Silly Valley people wrote, "There's a bunch of us that get together on Tuesdays for dinner. We go to various restaurants and try various cuisines. Anybody who's interested, email $person so we know how many people to make reservations for." So I did. Got to know IRL some of the people I'd been chatting with online. After going to that for a while, I got invited to another, invitation-only dinner group. Then I started getting invited to events at people's houses.
Somewhere around the same time, I discovered the local symphony orchestra had a "Want to go to a concert but don't have a date?" group, with hors d'oeuvres before and drinks and DJ music after. Besides gradually improving my comfort in conversing with people I didn't know, I discovered another social skill I didn't even know I was lacking and (eventually) set out to remedy that. I was ok, not good but ok, at the "shake your arms and body like an idiot" dancing to the DJ music, but completely clueless at any kind of slow-dancing, and that was awkward when there was someone interested I would have liked to dance with.
One of my Usenet friends also had an interest in learning to dance, and we talked about taking lessons together. That never happened, but it did encourage me that when I found "no partner required" lessons nearby, I went ahead and just did it.
Shortly after that, some people from the orchestra singles group went to a non-orchestra event, and at dinner a couple of women mentioned they were going dancing at another nearby place (with a lesson before the dance) the next night, and anybody was welcome to join them. I was interested in one of them, so I did. She didn't show up, but I discovered I really enjoyed dancing.
It became, to a large extent, my principal hobby. Even without thinking (much) about the social possiblities, I had a great time. I met a lot of people, including one woman who was romantically interested in me (but not vice versa), one I dated briefly, and one who became my wife.
I know dancing isn't for everyone. (Talk about things that are so easy, what do you mean it's hard for you?) My daughter's first boyfriend was a great kid — I'd be really happy if they were still together — but he could not dance to save his life; he tried so hard, but rhythm and coordination just wasn't part of his make-up.
Although I personally recommend dancing, find something you're passionate about — as long as it involves other people — try a few things if you don't already have a passion; you might be surprised at what clicks — and spend time with other people who like the same thing. Don't go into it trying to find someone; go into it to enjoy the activity. Friendships will develop naturally (mostly, you may have to push yourself to participate in conversations at first) from the shared interest. Some of them may go beyond that limited realm, some won't. That's ok; just enjoy the moment without worrying about the next step.
Wow, that's a long wall of text. I hope there was something useful, or at least interesting, in it.
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@Benjamin-Hall said in Tinder is shit:
My brother managed to gaslight me into believing that everything I did/said/was is wrong and will fail. That it's ALWAYS my fault. For everything. Even if I wasn't involved, I screwed it up somehow.
Ah yes. Sounds familiar, though in my case it was/is my dad. I've been in therapy for a while now but that one's a bitch to overcome :|
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@Benjamin-Hall said in Tinder is shit:
My problem with meetup is that I don't know what I'm interested in (beyond some non-social things).
If you live near a major city and have some disposable income, I would suggest a foodie meetup. At the very least, you'll be introduced to some nice new restaurants.
It also seems to me that this would be a good opportunity for you to expand your horizons and try some new things. Maybe Painting with a Twist.
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@TimeBandit
Oh yes! Oh, yes! I do like painting. With long and powerful strokes all over.*sigh*
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I think I'm stuck in the wrong generation, and that seems to make dating impossible. I'm a millennial who doesn't act like a millennial. Most of my social circle is composed of people twice my age because those are the people I get along with best. Most people about my age seem to be from a completely different universe than me. Sometimes even basic communication is nearly impossible.
I'm sure a good part of that is due to the city/rural divide. As kids, we were always waking up at 2:00 AM on a school night because the cattle busted a fence and were standing in the middle of the highway again, while the city kids my age were generally jobless, living with their parents, and playing The Sims and Farmville until age 30. Our priorities, life experiences, and work ethics are completely out-of-phase as a result.
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@mott555 said in Tinder is shit:
I think I'm stuck in the wrong generation, and that seems to make dating impossible. I'm a millennial who doesn't act like a millennial. Most of my social circle is composed of people twice my age because those are the people I get along with best.
If it makes you feel better, the same was true of me when I was growing up, too.
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@mott555 said in Tinder is shit:
I think I'm stuck in the wrong generation, and that seems to make dating impossible. I'm a millennial who doesn't act like a millennial. Most of my social circle is composed of people twice my age because those are the people I get along with best. Most people about my age seem to be from a completely different universe than me. Sometimes even basic communication is nearly impossible.
Until I hit the second paragraph and looked back up at the post author, I was thinking "wait, I don't remember writing this."
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https://www.reddit.com/r/lewronggeneration/
There are endless millions of people like you fuckheads, they just don't plaster the entire internet with shitty blogs advertising how aggressively useless they are so you don't hear about them that often.
Now, back to Tinder being shit. A few days ago I reinstalled the app after about half a year, and I had to verify my phone number again, because it completely forgot my login. After I did that my entire profile, old messages, matches, everything was there, but nooooo, we can't just log you back the fuck in...
It also seems like it runs even worse than it did before, which is an outstanding achievement. My phone isn't exactly top end but it mostly runs fine, but a couple swipes make it slow down to a crawl until the app just crashes. I think it's a memory leak. I remember it being shit before, on the same phone, but this is next level garbage.
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@Jaloopa God dammit!
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@Jaloopa said in Tinder is shit:
My first parse over that read "The Wronger Generation". Can I just go home now...
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So it looks like they rolled out a new feature, something called "top picks". It displays a bunch of profiles on one screen and you can open any one and like it if you want. If you do, it's removed from the page and a replaced with a different one. You can't not like it and just swipe left to remove it from the page (maybe you can with a premium membership?), and you can only like one of the displayed profiles a day unless you pay them. In other words, it's fucking useless.
For some reason I got at least 4 notifications about this piece of shit screen in the span of maybe 20 minutes, I think it's once in five minutes. Good job you absolute shitheads, that's gonna make me want to give you money for your trash app.
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@blek All I can say is it's a good time to be an incompetent developer.
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@Benjamin-Hall said in Tinder is shit:
@Parody yeah. Or the "just go out more and meet people" love, especially after telling them that that's exactly what I have a hard time doing.
Like men and women, people who find interpersonal relationships intuitive and easy and those who struggle often find it hard to communicate effectively. Both are flabbergasted that what's so obvious to them isn't obvious or even possible for the other person.
It's not intuitive, and it's not easy. I've been at it for a long time, and had plenty of disasters along the way, before meeting my wife. (If you hang around the Lounge you may have seen me go into some detail about one of them.) But the secret of it is: keep trying anyway, because no matter how much stupid crap goes wrong, it only has to go right once. And then it's all worth it.
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@Jaloopa said in Tinder is shit:
I forced myself to talk to the organiser, whoever I ended up sitting near, even the speaker if they were available.
This. I was well into adulthood before my mom mentioned in a conversation that she had always suffered from crippling shyness, which is something I went my entire life so far without ever suspecting, because she has always been one of the most outgoing, social people I have ever known. She's been forcing herself to do that for decades now--quite successfully, too!--because she believes the benefits are worth it.
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@antiquarian said in Tinder is shit:
Which is why the advice to try online dating is horrible. It doesn't make that problem go away but instead makes it worse since the non-verbal cues associated with in-person interaction aren't there.
I dunno. I can see how that could actually be a plus for people who have trouble with those cues.
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@masonwheeler said in Tinder is shit:
She's been forcing herself to do that for decades now--quite successfully, too!--because she believes the benefits are worth it
I've pretty much stopped doing it now. I have a small circle of good friends, a wife and family, and I'm decent acquaintances with plenty of my wife's friends. The effort isn't really worth it to me to make more friends at this point
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@blek said in Tinder is shit:
(maybe you can with a premium membership?), and you can only like one of the displayed profiles a day unless you pay them. In other words, it's fucking useless.
Good job you absolute shitheads, that's gonna make me want to give you money for your trash app.
Out of curiosity, how much is that?
I'm betting on "stupidly high". So high that they could make much more money on volume if they lowered their price to the sweet spot.At least it's that way for Grindr and competing apps (admittedly smaller market). I'd be very much willing to buy such an app for a reasonable price to get rid of the ads. 10 bucks purchase? Sure, why not. Or maybe even pay a small yearly subscription fee.1
But not only are these apps buggy, full of ads, and have stupid feature restrictions without the premium subscription, these subscriptions are insanely expensive. Like, over 10€ for a single month!! Granted, it gets much cheaper for longer subscriptions, but there is no way in hell I'm paying 60€ a year for their piece of crap. Death first.1Side note: I'd have much preferred having to pay the original 1€ per year for whatsapp than it being bought by Facebook. That'd be a bargain price, and they still got like a billion users.
EDIT: for the lulz, "top in app purchases" lists this great deal.
Sing it to the tune of West Side Story!
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@topspin said in Tinder is shit:
EDIT: for the lulz, "top in app purchases" lists this great deal.
Free trials cost almost €17? That must be some new meaning of the word “Free” of which I was not previously aware.
for expert mode off-by-one
