:baby_symbol: Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit
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This is going to be a PITA to organise, but should we pool up for two copies of @apapadimoulis' book for our two WTDWTF babies?
I got one for mine. Everyone else thinks it is weird.
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Congrats!
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Congratulations and good luck out there, Jaloopa.
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So after a week and a half of doing basically nothing but sleep, Sienna has suddenly become super clingy and will only stop crying when held. Made for a sleepless night last night, and I'm back at work tomorrow after mud paternity leave. We're trying to ignore the crying and get her to self soothe, but it feels cruel. Baby screams cut right through you
My plan for tomorrow is to spend my lunch break sleeping in the car. My wife will have to put up with the noise
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We're trying to ignore the crying and get her to self soothe, but it feels cruel. Baby screams cut right through you
Long term, such action will pay off, but right now ignoring her may not have much of an impact. For one thing, many children need to be taught soothing techniques. Whether it is giving them a toy to cuddle or something to suck on, they don't have any idea how to problem solve, so you need to do it for them. My wife and I found a practice of partly ignoring our kids worked the best. As long as we knew it wasn't something imminently fatal, we would take the time to finish up whatever we were doing and then go and calm the baby. The important part is to not respond in a reliable manner. When you do go to soothe her, I found it best to take a gradual intervention approach: first try giving her whatever she uses for soothing (blanket, toy, pacifier, etc.), then escalate to rubbing her back if necessary, then pick her up as a final measure if she still isn't calming down. Of course, you always need to keep their needs (feeding, changing, warmth) in mind, but if you've ruled out needs, these seem to work well.
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Our rule was always 5 minutes. If they had all of their needs met, we gave them 5 minutes to figure it out on their own before we picked them up, etc.
It seems to have worked for us. YMMV. All kids are different. Etc.
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We're trying to ignore the crying and get her to self soothe, but it feels cruel.
If you have time, stick her in her car seat and drive her around for a while. Sometimes that puts 'em to sleep.
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My guess? Survival anxiety (omg she put me down I'm going to DIE!), coupled with that she is about to step up to the next feeding level.
Welcome back to reality. The zombies have not attacked yet.
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We noticed with our kids that the amount of milk they crave does not increase linearly. Rather, there would be "platforms" where they would stay for a while, and then they would over night suddenly require more.
If you are breastfeeding it takes a day or two for ye trusty mammaries to catch up with the increase. If not, well Sienna does not know that she is not being breastfed, so she will still want to trigger the increased milk production.
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So after a week and a half of doing basically nothing but sleep, Sienna has suddenly become super clingy and will only stop crying when held.
Don't know if you've seen this stuff, but it totally works:
Someone gave us the book when we had our second kid and it looked like nonsense but we actually tried it and it's for real. I think the author is a long time pediatrician.
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on't know if you've seen this stuff, but it totally works:
Someone gave us the book when we had our second kid and it looked like nonsense but we actually tried it and it's for real. I think the author is a long time pediatrician.
This was a life saver for us.
My daughter is clearly way more spoiled than @abarker 's kids . None of us could handle letting her cry.
I think in the first few months they need to feel secure.
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Doing research for a story: How many glasses of wine and/or beers could someone have while their kindergartner is up and about before you'd judge them poorly for it?
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Whatever the number is when they stop preventing the kindergartner from stealing a swig of said beer/wine and/or the point that the kidergartner tucks THEM into bed.
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Doing research for a story: How many glasses of wine and/or beers could someone have while their kindergartner is up and about before you'd judge them poorly for it?
Depends on the person, really. People probably wouldn't say much if someone had one glass, especially if they were sipping / nursing it as they went along. Chugging and/or multiple drinks would probably get some frowny frowns.
Also, it would be effected by the person's outward appearance of inebriation. Red eye, blurry speech, wobbly angry-drunk parent would be
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@Lorne_Kates said:
inebriation
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@Lorne_Kates said:
inebriation
Cats dying for no reason - alcohol poisoning?
That isn't how you play with cats, Ben. =(
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@Lorne_Kates said:
That isn't how you play with
catspussies , BenThe lesbian-chickens-wont-lay-eggs fix was in the next patch.
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Well. Alcohol poisoning is too much. But a couple of drinks is a really useful tool sometimes
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Trying to make sure your kids don't grow up into assholes.
My 3 yo is mad I am trying to get her out of my chair so I can sit in it. She starts kicking me and crying. I turn off what she is watching.
I probably spend close to 30 minutes trying to get her to say, "I'm sorry". I eventually give up and allow for other concessions.
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@Karla
As a former strong willed 3yo, I can attest that persistent parenting is worth the fight. My mother spent 18 years following through on every promised consequence for my actions, despite all the pain and grief I caused her, but I did in fact turn out pretty good.Here's a of parenting encouragement!
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@izzion said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
following through on every promised consequence
From everything I've heard, that's the key. We'll see how my resolve holds as Sienna is just over 11 months and starting to be able to throw proper tantrums when told No
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@Jaloopa said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
@izzion said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
following through on every promised consequence
From everything I've heard, that's the key. We'll see how my resolve holds as Sienna is just over 11 months and starting to be able to throw proper tantrums when told No
At the moment she is trying to find out how hard she needs to press to find any wiggle room in your dictatorship. If you are anything like me, she will soon learn that she gets more by flashing her eyes at you than by screaming.
More generic: Don't threaten with things you are not prepared to follow through on.
And don't be afraid to be overruled by Mrs Jaloopa. It is ok that there are multiple opinions and the adult way of dealing with it is to reason things out.
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@Mikael_Svahnberg said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
@Jaloopa said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
@izzion said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
following through on every promised consequence
From everything I've heard, that's the key. We'll see how my resolve holds as Sienna is just over 11 months and starting to be able to throw proper tantrums when told No
At the moment she is trying to find out how hard she needs to press to find any wiggle room in your dictatorship. If you are anything like me, she will soon learn that she gets more by flashing her eyes at you than by screaming.
More generic: Don't threaten with things you are not prepared to follow through on.
And don't be afraid to be overruled by Mrs Jaloopa. It is ok that there are multiple opinions and the adult way of dealing with it is to reason things out.
It actually got worse...husband told her to "come here" and of course she didn't. I was trying to nudge her toward my husband and she goes full on tantrum.
He grabs her, she's now yelling for me because she thinks I will rescue her. I start getting all emotional and my husband tells me to me leave. I start to walk out....she screams, "Mommy, noooo. Don't leave." I make it as far as the door way and can't go any further.
He manages to settle her down and make nice with her and then tells her, "Mommy needs a hug."
I'm still trying to not cry.
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@RTapeLoadingError said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
In Australia at the moment there seem to be two trends which I personally think are bad ideas...
Officially giving your child the diminutive version of a name (e.g. Charlie) rather than the full version (i.e. Charles).
Given your child a well known name but spelling it wrong. I've seen a Shivawn. (Wait or it.....)
Best one I ran across recently was a little girl who rejoiced in the name of (phonetically) Kuh-ROSS-uh-nee. Want to guess how that one was spelled?
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@Karla Yeah that happened quite often with our youngest. She would do something, realise it was wrong, realise that we would tell her that it was wrong, and so she would lash out in a preemptive tantrum. At which point, of course, she cannot back down with preserved dignity and this is (somehow) our fault, so she would just get angrier.
Ultimately, the only thing that helped was to stay with her and ask her at regular intervals whether she wanted a hug -- because that was what she really needed in order to calm down. Only then could we reason through her transgression calmly.
...Kind of like how you treat a hostile dog, now that I think of it. Keep your eyes downcast and your arms to your sides and speak in a low reassuring voice. There is more in common between dog training and bringing up a child than you ever want to know.
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@flabdablet Kerosene?
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@izzion said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
Here's a of parenting encouragement!
THAT COOKIE IS BROKEN
(outraged beyond all reason)
(hurls cookie to the floor)
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@Mikael_Svahnberg said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
There is more in common between dog training and bringing up a child than you ever want to know.
Even at the early stage I'm at, I can see that. My wife used to work with autistic children and she says the same about them. Positive reinforcement is pretty universal really
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@Mikael_Svahnberg said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
@flabdablet Kerosene?
Afraid so, yes.
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@Jaloopa Yup. Right now I am using clicker training to get my kids to pick up their dirty laundry and put it in the laundry bin.
... This works on students too, BTW.
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@Jaloopa said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
Even at the early stage I'm at, I can see that.
Main thing is to have a good handle on where their brain development is up to, so you can make sure that what you're expecting of them is stuff they're actually capable of. Many, many parents have run aground on the rocks of trying to treat their tinies as miniature adults. Reading up on developmental stages pays off bigtime.
Up to about three, it's completely pointless to reason with them because their thinky thinky parts are just not grown in at all. Distraction works splendidly though. You do have to overcome an inner psychological hurdle that says that tricking them all the time is unfair. Fuck that noise. All's fair in love and war, and babies and toddlers mesh those two forms almost seamlessly.
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@flabdablet said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
Up to about three, it's completely pointless to reason with them because their thinky thinky parts are just not grown in at all
Yeah, I'm aware of roughly when things like theory of mind come in (that will be fun, it's when they learn that lying is possible), and other major developments of that sort of import
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@Jaloopa said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
that will be fun, it's when they learn that lying is possible
And they will be amazed at how easily you detect their superbly crafted fibs. At least at first.
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Did you eat the chocolate?
No. *wipes chocolate off mouth*
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@Jaloopa said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
@Mikael_Svahnberg said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
There is more in common between dog training and bringing up a child than you ever want to know.
Even at the early stage I'm at, I can see that. My wife used to work with autistic children and she says the same about them. Positive reinforcement is pretty universal really
It only makes sense - with punishment and the like you're only getting them to stop what they're doing (maybe).
Only with positive reinforcement do you get them to stop and to act in a positive way. :)
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@Jaloopa said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
@Mikael_Svahnberg said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
There is more in common between dog training and bringing up a child than you ever want to know.
Even at the early stage I'm at, I can see that. My wife used to work with autistic children and she says the same about them. Positive reinforcement is pretty universal really
Rules, boundaries, and limitations.
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@Karla said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
Rules, boundaries, and limitations.
ooooh ... kinky!
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@Karla That stuff is all fine once the kids have enough theory-of-mind to conceive of themselves as separate from you and other people/things. If you proceed on the expectation of being able to set boundaries with a littlie for whom the whole idea of any kind of boundary has yet to gel, you're on a hiding to nothing.
Test them on object permanence. Once they understand that there are things and that things generally stay where they're put until somebody moves them, even if they're hidden, you'll start having more success with the boundaries thing.
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@Karla said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
Rules, boundaries, and limitations
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@flabdablet said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
@Karla That stuff is all fine once the kids have enough theory-of-mind to conceive of themselves as separate from you and other people/things. If you proceed on the expectation of being able to set boundaries with a littlie for whom the whole idea of any kind of boundary has yet to gel, you're on a hiding to nothing.
Test them on object permanence. Once they understand that there are things and that things generally stay where they're put until somebody moves them, even if they're hidden, you'll start having more success with the boundaries thing.
This was a reference to the dog whisperer:
Rules, boundaries, and limitations.
Object permanence happened a long time ago.
She has already displayed creativity in pushing limits.
This is the age she starts understanding empathy. The learn empathy by acting empathetic even if they don't yet feel empathetic.
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@Mikael_Svahnberg said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
@Jaloopa Yup. Right now I am using clicker training to get my kids to pick up their dirty laundry and put it in the laundry bin.
... This works on students too, BTW.
I just snap my fingers for my kids. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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I had the cutest moment this morning.
I'd been up getting ready for work and was coming upstairs to have a shower and get dressed, coincidentally at the same time as the baby had woken up and my wife was getting her out of her cot.
When the baby spotted me, she squinted a bit like she was trying to work out what she was looking at (probably down to coming out from a dark room into almost daylight), then jumped when she realised it was me, squirmed out of my wife's grip to get to me and gave me a kiss. It was lovely.
When it was time for breastfeeding, she was straight back to mummy of course
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@Karla You can help the process along by distracting, rather than escalating, when she shows signs of being on the brink of losing her shit. Once she's melting down, her tiny brain is simply not capable of reason.
Also, 1-2-3 Magic will save your sanity.
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@Karla Also also: the entire world is full of arseholes with nothing better to do than point out all the ways you're :)
Illegitimi non carborundum.
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@Karla said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
@Jaloopa said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
@Mikael_Svahnberg said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
There is more in common between dog training and bringing up a child than you ever want to know.
Even at the early stage I'm at, I can see that. My wife used to work with autistic children and she says the same about them. Positive reinforcement is pretty universal really
Rules, boundaries, and limitations.
That sounds horrible! I'm not sure what the alternative is, but that's just horrible.
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@flabdablet said in Parenting advice - you're gonna get hit:
@Karla You can help the process along by distracting, rather than escalating, when she shows signs of being on the brink of losing her shit. Once she's melting down, her tiny brain is simply not capable of reason.
Also, 1-2-3 Magic will save your sanity.
I've used advice from here: