The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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I once ran a nightclub for people with erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop, and nobody came.
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The seven dwarves have been advised that as of Monday, they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.
(The UK government has announced new rules that people can only meet in groups of 6 or less.)
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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He was a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. And, he never, ever forgot to put the seat down. He wasn't like me,” he continued. “I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy, then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I made the mistake of marrying his widow.”
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Q: I have six eyes, two mouths, and three noses. What am I?
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People who confuse entomology with etymology bug me in ways I can't put into words.
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My neighbour keeps complaining about his hemorrhoids to the point of being annoying, but otherwise he's a real stand up guy.
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@Zecc Do you mean that he's a pain in the ass?
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The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you, sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800s. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Billings, Montana."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Billings."
"I know," the man said. "I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
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Death
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Taxes
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Being screwed by a lawyer
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Being screwed by a lawyer
Dick move, waiting until the money ran out before giving the bad news...
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Dick move, waiting until the money ran out before giving the bad news...
The dick moves were before that…
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@Gąska said in The Official Funny Stuff Thread™:
@Benjamin-Hall said in The Official Funny Stuff Thread™:
RIP
This reminded me of this morbid old joke:
A brewer was found drowned in the beer vat. After the funeral the widow goes to the other employees who have a rather solemn look about them.
"Do you think he died quickly?" she asks.
One of the guys answers "I don't think so, I saw him walk 3 times past the offices to go to the toilet".
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What's the most popular social media site among frogs?
Reddit
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Obvious response…
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@boomzilla Google image search for "bimbo rack". Not what I was hoping for:
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@da-Doctah said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@boomzilla Google image search for "bimbo rack". Not what I was hoping for:
Even when disabling safe search, google strongly prefers safe results.
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I’ve just heard on the news that people returning from Iceland have to quarantine for 14 days 😱 I only went in for a bag of frozen chips! 😳
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@DoctorJones
This is why we need more women in STEM. The world can't survive an AI that makes dad jokes.
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
NOREPRO, but that's probably because I'm on the dark side. Our females are apparently smarter here.
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@Tsaukpaetra or it's just Occam's razor, i.e. It's fake. Wouldn't be surprised, but it doesn't stop it being funny.
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@DoctorJones I remember other people on Reddit confirming it, but it needs the Google Assistant rather than just regular Google search.
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@loopback0 said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@DoctorJones I remember other people on Reddit confirming it, but it needs the Google Assistant rather than just regular Google search.
I confess that like @Tsaukpaetra I tried it on my Google Assistant and got the same result that he did. I assumed it's probably fake but could have been an edge case that they fixed at some point. Or something they did for April Fool's or whatever.
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@loopback0 said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@DoctorJones I remember other people on Reddit confirming it, but it needs the Google Assistant rather than just regular Google search.
I confess that like @Tsaukpaetra I tried it on my Google Assistant and got the same result that he did. I assumed it's probably fake but could have been an edge case that they fixed at some point. Or something they did for April Fool's or whatever.
Or it depends on whether their Algorithm judges you're in need of some light humor right now.
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@boomzilla Maybe Google Assistant behaves differently on iOS. If I ask the question exactly as the screenshot it gives the same result, although phrasing it even slightly differently gives the numeric answer.
On a related but not funny note, "how many seconds are there in a year" and "how many seconds in a year" give results for different definitions of a year.
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@loopback0 said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
On a related but not funny note, "how many seconds are there in a year" and "how many seconds in a year" give results for different definitions of a year.
Noice!
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@loopback0 said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
On a related but not funny note, "how many seconds are there in a year" and "how many seconds in a year" give results for different definitions of a year.
Is one the length of a normal (non-leap) year, and the other the length of the current year, which happens to be a leap year?
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@HardwareGeek said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@loopback0 said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
On a related but not funny note, "how many seconds are there in a year" and "how many seconds in a year" give results for different definitions of a year.
Is one the length of a normal (non-leap) year, and the other the length of the current year, which happens to be a leap year?
Nope. That's another definition.
- 1 calendar year - 31536000 seconds
- 1 year - 31556926 seconds
- 1 leap year - 31622400 seconds
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The difference between 20200101 to 20201231 or 20201108 to 20211108 ?
edit fixed the damn date
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@Luhmann said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
The difference between 20200101 to 20200131 or 20201108 to 20211108 ?
A month vs a year?
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@loopback0
Dates are hard!
And so is counting votes!
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Why don't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse!
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra or it's just Occam's razor, i.e. It's fake. Wouldn't be surprised, but it doesn't stop it being funny.
@loopback0 said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@DoctorJones I remember other people on Reddit confirming it, but it needs the Google Assistant rather than just regular Google search.
@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@loopback0 said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@DoctorJones I remember other people on Reddit confirming it, but it needs the Google Assistant rather than just regular Google search.
I confess that like @Tsaukpaetra I tried it on my Google Assistant and got the same result that he did. I assumed it's probably fake but could have been an edge case that they fixed at some point. Or something they did for April Fool's or whatever.
It's actually real, I can reproduce it on my Google home speaker (proof below), but you have to word it exactly as "how many seconds are there in one year". Any variations like "how many seconds in a year" get the actual non-funny answer.
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
It's actually real, I can reproduce it on my Google home speaker (proof below), but you have to word it exactly as "how many seconds are there in one year". Any variations like "how many seconds in a year" get the actual non-funny answer.
Yeah...tried again making sure to use that phrasing and still got the unfunny answer.
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I was just checking that the video played correctly, and shenanigans ensued.
I feel tempted to do this a few times for some Googleception fun.
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
It's actually real, I can reproduce it on my Google home speaker (proof below), but you have to word it exactly as "how many seconds are there in one year". Any variations like "how many seconds in a year" get the actual non-funny answer.
Yeah...tried again making sure to use that phrasing and still got the unfunny answer.
I think Google knows that I like dad jokes
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I wanted to take some photos of the local park while it was foggy, but unfortunately I mist the opportunity.
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Blacksmith: Your sword is almost ready. I just have to hammer out the kinks.
pounds sword with hammer
Sword: harder, daddy.
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@Zecc Your post really got me going, it's got me so I don't know what I'm doing
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I am anti vax and I don’t care what you think...
I am sick and tired of seeing people that are anti vax getting slandered on Facebook.
We have good reason to feel this way and simply attacking us or bad mouthing us is not going to change our minds. We will not be silenced.
I for sure will never have another one again. No chance, I don’t care what you say to try and convince me, I’ve fallen for that trap too many times before.
They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner. Dyson are much better.
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