The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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My mum insists that it can't be Christmas in our house unless the John Lewis Christmas advert has been on TV, meaning we didn't get to celebrate it until 2007.
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What do you call a melon that can't get married?
Can't elope.
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My dog only responds to commands in Spanish.
He’s Espanol.
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Is this a play on the word "Spaniel"?
(which as a matter of fact is derived from Español, which makes this not just a bad joke, but not a joke at all?)
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@Zecc I've always thought it was stupid when a language borrows words from another language. It's lazy and sounds stupid, you know, inserting a random English word into a foreign sentence. I don't know why I dislike the sound of it so much, I suppose it just doesn't have that "je ne sais quoi". 😉
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What’s a paedophile’s preferred footwear?
White Vans.
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Zecc I've always thought it was stupid when a language borrows words from another language.
To quote Mr. Nicoll again
The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.”
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Youtube comment about how the Formula One team Haas is slow because of problems with the rear of the car:
Rear overheating? That car must have a pain in the HAAS.
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What do you win if you don't move a single muscle all week?
A trophy.
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@DoctorJones I hate you.
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https://medias.fashionnetwork.com/image/upload/v1/medias/22582f0ab511c7f167b10d9c8c85535b1722952.jpg
...warm heart.
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@HardwareGeek it came as a huge shock when I found out I'm not a very good electrician.
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Why didn't the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many, many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire."Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said,
"Do whatever you want."
So, here I am. You guys want a beer?
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”
“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.”
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..
And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”
"Oh, really! What'd he say?”
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?
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Abraham was the smartest person in the Bible. He knew a Lot.
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@boomzilla I had a long, hard think and it turns out that it was in the bad puns thread.
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@JBert does that make the joke better or worse ?
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Warning, the following joke requires a knowledge of the Yorkshire accent, and a lesser known English word
I said to the baker "How come all your cakes are 50p and that one's £1?"
He said "That's Madeira cake"
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Warning, the following joke requires a knowledge of the Yorkshire accent, and a lesser known English word
I said to the baker "How come all your cakes are 50p and that one's £1?"
He said "That's Madeira cake"
Seeing if I got that right:
Attempted translation
"That's my dearer cake
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@lolwhat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I thought that was a stuffed green olive. Neither olive nor
:bangladesh:
made any sense. Then I looked at the context and figured out what you were using that emoji to represent. But my first reaction was definitely .
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When I was a baby, my parents used to bathe me in a cheap Australian lager.
I think I was Fostered!
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What do you call a wreath made out of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Yep, none of us could get the jar open
Yeah,
wassaw that one coming. Or, not.Edit: thanks, autocorrect...
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Why are libraries so strict?
They have to do everything by the book!
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Where do frogs keep their money?
The riverbank!
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What happens when geese fall down stairs?
They get goose bumps.
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Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:
"What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The Director asks in turn arrogantly:
"Why are you so interested in that - that topic?"
"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
"What your name? –"Asks the Director.
"John Smith."
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:
"Do we have a client named John Smith?"
"Certainly –"answers the Customer Service Manager–, "he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account."
The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:
"Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you."
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:
"We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."
Mr. Smith began his story:
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars."
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Are extended lunch breaks during court hearings a bad idea? The jury is still out.
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I once knew a lumberjack who kept misplacing his tools.
He was a saw loser.
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2016: Didn't jog.
2017: Didn't jog.
2018: Didn't jog.
2019: Didn't jog.
2020: Still haven't jogged.
This is a running joke.
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Did you know, a kangaroo can jump higher than a house?
It's true! Houses can't jump.
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Zecc I've always thought it was stupid when a language borrows words from another language. It's lazy and sounds stupid, you know, inserting a random English word into a foreign sentence. I don't know why I dislike the sound of it so much, I suppose it just doesn't have that "je ne sais quoi". 😉
You say this because you've not had the displeasure of trying to use words designed by committee.
We have such a thing as "Finnish Language Committee" here. They attempt to design words for new things from abroad. Words that absolutely nobody will use, because they're utterly ridiculous.
Let's take an example.
The original suggestion for the Finnish term for CD was something along the lines of (translated) opticalmusicandaudiodisk. But longer. Nobody used it, ever. Not even school books. Currently the committee is recommending that laserlevy should be used, which directly translates to laser disk. Which is a different type of disk everywhere else; one used for watching video. So everybody still uses CD-levy, which means CD-disk. While redundant, it is unambiguous. And intelligible to foreigners to boot.
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Zecc I've always thought it was stupid when a language borrows words from another language. It's lazy and sounds stupid, you know, inserting a random English word into a foreign sentence. I don't know why I dislike the sound of it so much, I suppose it just doesn't have that "je ne sais quoi". 😉
@acrow said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
You say this because you've not had the displeasure of trying to use words designed by committee.
Wow that sounds ridiculous, but, without sounding like too much of a prima donna, I feel I must point out that I wasn't being serious. It was a joke, implying that I thought "je ne sais quoi" was English in origin. Many English speakers use foreign words and phrases all the time without even realising.
That's why @PJH chimed in with this wonderful gem:
The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.”
I feel like this gives me carte blanche to make more jokes, using bona fide examples, ad nauseam. I could even make language jokes en masse, as bad jokes are my usual modus operandi, but overdoing it might be a bit of a faux pas, and result in me becoming persona non grata.
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@acrow said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
And intelligible to foreigners to boot.
I'm guessing that that is the committee's problem?
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KNOCK KNOCK Police, open up!
What do you want?
We need to talk!
How many of you are there?
Uh, two.
Talk to each other then.