The bad jokes topic š“š¹šØ
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At least end it with Pope raping the little girl, for Christ's sake.
That's the inappropriate jokes thread which is
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@Maciejasjmj said:
"This is your captain speaking" - says the voice. - "We're currently on a collision course with the ground, our engines are down, and we have to evacuate.
Pft. A real captain can fly a reasonable approximation to an ILS glideslope in an outsized ersatz glider -- the FPA for Sully's splashdown in the Hudson was 3.4Ā°, and that was without much airspeed or altitude to play with (NTSB AAR-10-03, p.48/PDF p.65). For an "enjoying the trip, reading newspapers, and drinking coffee" scenario, you're at cruse airspeed and altitude or nearly so, and that's much more energy to turn into landing options and flight path control.
How dare you bring pedantry to a joke fight!Enjoy your whoosh
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Trying to give @abarker and @HardwareGeek an aneurysm
My brain auto-corrected it. I didn't even notice until I saw your quote with the misuse italicized.
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Oh, look, they moved the count to the other side of the poll instead of fixing bugs!
bad joke, right there.
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How dare you bring pedantry to a joke fight!
Enjoy your whoosh
I disagree. I have no reason to believe he whooshed; rather, I believe he was completely aware that it was a joke ā this is explicitly a joke topic, after all. Pedantry is always appropriate, even in response to a joke (especially a bad one) to explain why things wouldn't really happen that way. Flagged, too, but for pedantry, not whoosh.
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A: I'm going to kill all the Jews and one clown.
B: why the clown?
A: [spoiler] see nobody cares about the Jews[/spoiler]You know, liking this...sends mixed signals...no. Just...NO.
INB4: Too serious to get the joke.
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My brain auto-corrected it. I didn't even notice until I saw your quote with the misuse italicized.
Your pendantry skill is slipping.
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My brain auto-corrected it. I didn't even notice until I saw your quote with the misuse italicized.
I invoke the right to grant a demerit against your pedantic spellar/gramming nazi badges!
I can be bought off.
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One I got involved with today...
A font walks into a bar. The bartender yells, "Hey! We don't serve your type in here!" Then he called the serif.
Too bad the bartender didn't know it was a font of wisdom.
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Old lady walks into a post office, the clerk asks why there's jelly and sponge in her one ear, fruit and custard in the other?
āYou'll have to speak up, dearie, I'm a trifle deaf.ā
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Ok then. My mother taught me this one:
What's the difference between a woman in a church and a woman having a bath?
[spoiler] a woman in a church has hope in her soul. A woman having a bath has soap in her hole. [/spoiler]
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So a guy walks into a bar one day and he canāt believe his eyes. There, in the corner, thereās this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, āWhereād he come from?ā
And the bartenderās, like, āThereās a genie in the menās room who grants wishes.ā
So the guy runs into the menās room and, sure enough, thereās this genie. And the genieās, like, āYour wish is my command.ā So the guyās, like, āO.K., I wish for world peace.ā And thereās this big cloud of smokeāand then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the menās room and heās, like, āHey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.ā
And the bartenderās, like, āNo kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?ā
So the guy processes this. And heās, like, āDoes that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?ā
And the bartenderās, like, āYeah. Why, what did you wish for?ā
And the guyās, like, āWorld peace.ā
So the bartender is understandably ashamed.
And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but itās obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.
And the bartenderās, like, āI feel like I should explain myself further.ā
And the guyās, like, āYou donāt have to.ā
But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And heās, like, āI have whatās known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. Itās not that Iām small down there. Iām actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.ā
And the guy feels sorry for him. So heās, like, āWhere do you think that comes from?ā
And the bartenderās, like, āI donāt know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didnāt tell her. I think itās wrapped up in that somehow.ā
And the guyās, like, āHave you ever seen anyone about this?ā
And the bartenderās, like, āOh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says weāve barely scratched the surface.ā
So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And heās, like, āListen, I couldnāt help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didnāt speak the last ten years of his life.ā
And the bartenderās, like, āTell me more about that.ā And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.
And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, āHe was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.ā
And the bartenderās, like, āThatās horrible.ā
And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And heās, like, āYou know what? Iām over it. He always said I wouldnāt amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. Iām a professional musician!ā
And the pianist starts to laugh, but itās a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then heās, like, āWhen he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .ā
And then he starts to cry. And heās, like, āI just wish Iād had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.ā
And all of a sudden thereās this big cloud of smokeāand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!
And the pianist is, like, āI said āold man,ā not āold vanā!ā
And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, āYour genieās hard of hearing.ā
And the bartender says, āNo kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?ā
And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, āOh, my God. You didnāt really want me.ā
And the bartenderās, like, āNo, itās not like that.ā You know, trying to backpedal.
And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, āOnce an accident, always an accident.ā And he drinks all of his whiskey.
And the bartenderās, like, āBrian, Iām sorry. I didnāt mean that.ā
And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, āWell, I didnāt mean that.ā
And the bartenderās, like, āWhoa, calm down.ā
And the pianist is, like, āFuck you!ā And heās really drunk, because heās only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And heās, like, āFuck you, asshole! Fuck you!ā
And he starts throwing punches, but heās too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartenderās arms.
And suddenly he has this revelation. And heās, like, āMy God, Iām just like him. Iām just like him.ā And he starts weeping.
And the bartenderās, like, āNo, youāre not. Youāre better than he was.ā
And the pianist is, like, āThatās not true. Iām worthless!ā
And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, āDamn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. Youāre so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.ā
And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.
So the guy, whoās been watching all this, is surprised, because he didnāt know the bartender was gay. It doesnāt bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And thereās the genie.
So the guyās, like, āHey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.ā
And the genieās, like, āWho says theyāre broken?ā And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.
And the guyās, like, āWell done.ā
And then the genie says, āThat bartenderās tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.ā
And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.
And the genieās, like, āIām sorry. I shouldāve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.ā
And the guyās, like, āDonāt worry about it. Letās just grab a beer. Itās on me.ā
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Two nuns in the shower, one says "where's the soap"? The other replies "it does, doesn't it".
I was young and innocent when I first heard this and asked my mother to explain it to me. Which she did
Also:
What's pink and wrinkley and hangs out your underpants?
[spoiler]Your Mum[/spoiler]
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From the context of the show, I think it just means a good, law abiding person being pushed to the breaking point and becoming a criminal/bad person
(sorry for delay replying - went home, slept, etc...)
That's what I gathered, but then Blakey made it sound all interesting and stuff...
I figured there was some weird drug reference or triple-entendre that the average-joe man-on-the-street living a life of quiet desperation would have missed.
But no. (apparently)
Less entendre than my youngest kid's jokes about "logs" and "piles"...
Filed under: I'm Kickstarting: "Breaking IV: Atomic Rankling"... anybody in?
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A font walks into a bar. The bartender yells, "Hey! We don't serve your type in here!" Then he called the serif.
pea-roast:
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It's "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" and that is obviously just a made-up word.
Goddamned. Do your research on trash cinema movie titles before posting here, sheesh.
Not that it matters, but I'm guessing you hate crossword puzzles?
Filed udner: Fat-fingered "boogaloo"
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Yes, obviously, since it's clearly related Boogie (as a dancing thing).
But some of us have been accused of dancing like bugs.... so I take ownership of my typo.
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A young man was getting ready to take his sweetheart out to a dance. He had a few errands to run.
First, he had to acquire a corsage - he went to the flower shop and there was a long line. He waited, and waited, and waited but he finally got the flowers. Next, he had to get the limo - he called around and found a place, but he listened to hold music in one long phone queue after another while looking. Then he went out to the tailor's to rent a tuxedo. There was a barber shop convention in town so the tailor was very busy, but the boy waited in line until he saw the tailor and he was able to rent a nice suit.
Finally, the big night came. He picked up his date and stood in line with her family while they snapped picture after picture. They drove in the limo to a lovely restaurant, where they enjoyed a scrumptious meal (the line was a little long though). They made it to the dance fashionably late and danced, and danced, and danced. Then, after one dance his date asked if he could get her a drink. He went over to the punch bowl and there is no punch line.
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A boiled egg and a slice of toast walk into a bar.
[spoiler]The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast".[/spoiler]
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This joke is about two self-conscious people. One has a big nose andāI guess this joke must be set in like the twentieth century or something, becauseāthe other has a wooden eye. So after psyching themselves up for it well into middle-age, they both work up the courage to go to a ball. The same ball, obviously. It's not till very late in the evening that he's able to voice a very timid āwould you like to danceā, and she responds with a very enthusiasticāprobably too enthusiasticāāWould Iā½ā, which prompts him to yell āBig nose! Big nose!ā and run off crying.
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Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day.
Give a dog a toffee and you'll piss yourself for half an hour.
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If I'm not mistaken, Tipp-Ex is pretty useless.
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English is weird.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
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through tough, thorough thought, though.
FTFY. (It's a bit tough to see just what that is with the <ins> underline; it's a comma.)When two consecutive adjectives modify the same noun, separate the adjectives with a comma.
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If I'm not mistaken, Tipp-Ex is pretty useless.
That took me longer than it should have done to get it.
More caffeine required.
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I bought a gallon of Tipp-Ex the other day.
Big mistake
filed under:For the benefit of Americans, I believe you call Tipp-Ex Whiteout
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Make a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.(Though, considering where I first heard that and my response, I feel rather awful for putting it here. But whatever, you must feel like Mario, because you just got 1upped!)
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warm for a day.
that's a really big fire then. either that or you stuck around to keep adding fuel to it periodically.
most wood fires (in a firepit/fireplace) would go out in between 2 and 6 hours depending on the type of wood, how dry it is, how you laid it, etc.
of course if you were careful how you arranged the fuel you could get it to burn for a lot longer than a day too. there's one we know about that's been burning for approximately 6000 years
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Sorry, it must be done:
Glorious exposition, comerade!
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'd for not wood.
TIL - even more ways that Australia is trying to kill it's inhabitants
Filed under: INB4 comparing Discourse to a coal seam fire.
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'Sugoi monogatari, aneki!'?
I mean, I could put it in normal form, but I assume you haven't wooshed that badly.
Or, more likely, at all.
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I believe you call Tipp-Ex Whiteout
Thank you. I had NFC what you talking about (but decided that whatever it was, bad jokes aren't important enough to Google).
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of course if you were careful how you arranged the fuel you could get it to burn for a lot longer than a day too.
Not 6000 years, but:
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Also a coal fire in Centralia, PA
From Wikipedia:
In 1979, locals became aware of the scale of the problem when a gas-station owner and then mayor, John Coddington, inserted a dipstick into one of his underground tanks to check the fuel level. When he withdrew it, it seemed hot, so he lowered a thermometer down on a string and was shocked to discover that the temperature of the gasoline in the tank was 172 Ā°FTIL: America is trying to kill it's inhabitants, too.
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I assume you haven't wooshed that badly.
Ignoring an obvious joke in order to be pedantic about some other aspect of a post is NOT a whoosh!
Or, more likely, at all.
Oh, carry on then.
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But perhaps not all killing, all inhabitants, all the time.
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America is trying to kill it's inhabitants
But it fails miserably when compared to Australia
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But it fails miserably when compared to Australia
America probably kills more in a month than Australia does in a year.
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Population of the US: ~319 million.
Population of Australia: ~23 million.I think it's a reasonable claim, based purely on the law of averages
d
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What stands in a field and goes "Oooooh!"?
A cow with no lips.
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what do you call a man with no arms and legs on the floor?
[spoiler]Mat[/spoiler]
what do you call a man with no arms and legs nailed to the wall?
[spoiler]Art[/spoiler]
what do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pool?
[spoiler]Bob[/spoiler]
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What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
[spoiler] Doug [/spoiler]
What do you call a man with oil coming out his head?
[spoiler] Derek [/spoiler]
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
[spoiler] Cliff [/spoiler]
What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
[spoiler] Douglas [/spoiler]
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What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?
[spoiler]Russell[/spoiler]
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What do you call a man who's always on the toilet?
[spoiler]John[/spoiler]
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[size=10]here's a really bad one.[/size]
A horse walks into a bar.
Several people got up and left as they noticed the potential danger in the situation.
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what do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pool?
[spoiler]Bob[/spoiler]
what do you call a man with no arms and legs but can swim from one end of the pool to the other?
[spoiler]Clever Dick[/spoiler]