The Official Funny Stuff Thread™
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She doesn't even look old enough to drink. She's 25?
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Maybe the meth keeps her looking young?
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I was under the impression that it typically has the opposite effect.
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Me too. I was trying for a cheap joke.
Swing and a miss.
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Why does she look like she's 10? All those warnings about meth making you look old must have lied to me.
Edit: Yes, d by everyone. Whatever.
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It made me think how is shoplifting defined legally - she didn't technically remove anything from the store?
Would it be a crime to drive around the store eating and drinking stuff, if I collect all the wrappers and pay for it afterwards?
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she didn't technically remove anything from the store
The police did when they took her out of the store.
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Well yes, but then it's police doing the shoplifting, not her.
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Does that mean that if I put produce into one of those wavy arm tube people they have outside of used car sellers and then take that out of the store that the wavy arm tube person stole the produce, not me?
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Shoplifting doesn't mean you left the store. It means you took something without the store's permission.
Anyway, I'm sure they probably asked her if she was gonna pay for that stuff and she's like LOL NO I'M DRUNK. She was a druggie; she probably didn't have the money anyway.
Edit: based on the arrest affidavit, the shoplifting crime was defined as:
UNLAWFULLY AND KNOWINGLY TAKE, OBTAIN OR USE OR ENDEAVOR TO TAKE, OBTAIN OR USE THE PROPERTY OF THE VICTIM[...] WITH INTENT TO TEMPORARILY OR PERMANENTLY DEPRIVE, A MERCHANT, OF THE POSSESSION, USE, BENEFIT, OR FULL RETAIL VALUE OF SAID PROPERTY
And Florida State Statute 812.014 says:
812.014 Theft.—
(1) A person commits theft if he or she knowingly obtains or uses, or endeavors to obtain or to use, the property of another with intent to, either temporarily or permanently:
(a) Deprive the other person of a right to the property or a benefit from the property.
(b) Appropriate the property to his or her own use or to the use of any person not entitled to the use of the property.
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...some other pages are saying she was 20. Not sure who to believe... she doesn't look that even.
Homeless and druggie, she'd probably been arrested previously... I'm wondering if they didn't intentionally try to find the oldest possible mug shot of her so that she'd look less like a junkie.
Edit: She is 25, and that's the photo from her booking on 12/22/2015.
http://67.78.136.94/ArrestReports/ArRptDetail1.aspx?bnbr=17713
In case that link 404s (it said they only keep online records for 1 year)...
SUBMITTED BY: ZAREK, MICHAEL 1359 (AR15-17713)
DID UNLAWFULLY AND KNOWINGLY TAKE, OBTAIN OR USE OR ENDEAVOR TO TAKE, OBTAIN OR USE THE PROPERTY OF THE VICTIM, WAL-MART, TO WIT: SEVERAL FOOD ITEMS VALUED AT $32.36, BY CONSUMING INSIDE THE STORE THE SAID MERCHANDISE, WITH INTENT TO TEMPORARILY OR PERMANENTLY DEPRIVE, A MERCHANT, OF THE POSSESSION, USE, BENEFIT, OR FULL RETAIL VALUE OF SAID PROPERTY, SAID PROPERTY BEING OF A VALUE OF LESS THAN $300.00, IN VIOLATION OF FLORIDA STATE STATUTE 812.014(3)(A); ANDDID UNLAWFULLY HAVE IN HER ACTUAL OR CONSTRUCTIVE POSSESSION WITH THE INTENT TO USE, OR DID UNLAWFULLY USE, AN OBJECT INTENDED OR DESIGNED FOR USE IN STORING, CONCEALING OR INJECTING, INGESTING, INHALING OR OTHERWISE INTRODUCING INTO THE HUMAN BODY, A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE, TO WIT: THREE SYRINGES, IN VIOLATION OF FLORIDA STATE STATUTES 893.147(1).
ON 122215, I RESPONDED TO WAL-MART IN LECANTO IN REFERENCE TO A SHOPLIFTER IN CUSTODY. PRIOR TO MY ARRIVAL, DISPATCH ADVISED THAT DETECTIVE HOLLOWAY (0463) WAS ON SCENE WITH THE DEFENDANT. SEE DETECTIVE HOLLOWAY’S SUPPLEMENT FOR FURTHER.
UPON MY ARRIVAL, I MADE CONTACT WITH DETECTIVE HOLLOWAY AND THE LOSS PREVENTION OFFICER, MR ROBERT GROSS AND THE DEFENDANT IN WAL-MART’S ASSET PROTECTION OFFICE. MR GROSS ADVISED THAT HE IDENTIFIED THE DEFENDANT ACTING SUSPICIOUS INSIDE THE STORE WHILE DRIVING A MOTORIZED SHOPPING CART. MR GROSS STATED THAT HE OBSERVED A HALF EMPTY WINE BOTTLE INSIDE THE CART AND CONTINUED SURVEILLANCE. HE THEN OBSERVED THE DEFENDANT SELECT SUSHI, OPENS THE PACKAGE, AND THEN OBSERVED HER CONSUME A PIECE BEFORE PLACING THE SUSHI BACK ON THE SHELF. MR GROSS FURTHER STATED THAT THE DEFENDANT CONTINUED THE SAME PATTERN WITH A PACKAGE OF MINI MUFFINS AND CINNAMON ROLLS. MR GROSS FURTHER OBSERVED THE DEFENDANT CONSUME THE MAJORITY OF A ROTISSERIE CHICKEN WHILE ON THE SALES FLOOR. MR GROSS ADVISED HE THEN CONTACTED DETECTIVE HOLLOWAY.
MR GROSS PROVIDED A RECEIPT THAT LISTED ALL THE ITEMS, WHICH INCLUDES CINNAMON ROLLS, SUSHI, MINI MUFFINS, TWO BOTTLES OF S. HOME WINE, TRAD ROTIS, SAUCE, WHICH CAME TO A TOTAL OF $31.30 BEFORE TAX AND $32.36 AFTER SIX PERCENT SALES TAX. THE COMPLAINANT COMPLETED A SWORN, WRITTEN STATEMENT AND PROVIDED A RECEIPT WITH A VALUE FOR EACH ITEM THAT WERE TURNED IN TO RECORDS.
THE COMPLAINANT WAS PROVIDED WITH AN AGENCY ISSUED CASE CARD BEARING THIS CASE NUMBER AND ADVISED TO CONTACT THIS AGENCY WITH ANY ADDITIONAL INFORMATION OR QUESTIONS REGARDING THIS CASE.
THE DEFENDANT, MS JOSSELEEN ELIDA LOPEZ, WAS PLACED IN THE REAR SEAT OF MY PATROL VEHICLE AND TRANSPORTED TO THE CITRUS COUNTY DETENTION FACILITY FOR BOOKING AND PROCESSING.
THE DEFENDANT HAD IN HER POSSESSION TWO BACKPACKS THAT WERE SEARCHED FOR ANY FURTHER STORE ITEMS OR CONTRABAND. WHILE SEARCHING THE BACKPACKS I OBSERVED A RED FLASHLIGHT THAT CONTAINED TWO EMPTY SYRINGES INSIDE OF IT. I THEN OBSERVED A BLACK IN COLOR PURSE WITH WHITE POLKA DOTS ON IT THAT CONTAINED ANOTHER EMPTY SYRINGE.
WHILE AT THE DETENTION FACILITY, THE DEFENDANT WAS INFORMED AND READ MIRANDA RIGHTS AT 1709 HOURS. THE DEFENDANT WAIVED HER RIGHTS AND ADVISED THAT SHE USED THE NEEDLES TO SHOOT UP METH. SHE FURTHER ADVISED SHE RECENTLY CLEANED THEM OUT WITH WATER SO THERE WOULD NOT BE ANY RESIDUE.
I THEN ASKED THE DEFENDANT WHAT HAPPENED IN WAL-MART AND SHE STATED THAT SHE WAS HUNGRY AND DID NOT WANT TO TAKE ANY OF THE ITEMS OUTSIDE OF THE STORE, BUT DID CONSUME EVERYTHING SHE COULD WHILE INSIDE THE STORE. SHE FURTHER STATED THAT SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING WAS WRONG, HOWEVER DID IT ANYWAY.
THE DEFENDANT WAS CHARGED WITH ONE COUNT OF RETAIL PETIT THEFT WITH A BOND SET AT $500.00, PER THE BOND SCHEDULE. THE DEFENDANT WAS ALSO CHARGED WITH ONE COUNT OF POSSESSION OF DRUG PARAPHERNALIA, WITH BOND SET AT $1,000.00, PER THE BOND SCHEDULE.
NO FURTHER ACTION WAS TAKEN BY THIS DEPUTY.
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Well yes.
And they also took her outside
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you took something without the store's permission
That's why I'm always asking the nearest employee in a supermarket whether I may take something from the shelf. They seem to hate me though.
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It's implied in virtually all stores that you may take anything you intend to purchase. Permission is implicitly granted as long as you're going to buy it. It's generally also implied that you can handle the merchandise before you decide to buy it, as long as you don't damage it.
Exceptions are when it's locked up or there's a sign saying not to touch the merchandise; then you are supposed to get an employee to give it to you. Then you get explicit permission, but again, only when you intend to buy it.
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That was painful to read. Do they use text-to-speech and the officer was screaming during the whole report?
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I dunno. Might be intended for transmission over teletype machines that don't have lowercase, or a holdover from such devices that everyone's used to now.
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That's an unusually large collection of Walton Goggins you have...
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If I explained my train of thought on stuff...you would all have me locked up as a psychotic.
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His name cracks me up. Every episode of The Shield I was reminded of
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My uncle who still lives there compares it more to Beirut, but you have a point.
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If I explained my train of thought on stuff...you would all have me locked up as a psychotic.
Outside of WTDWTF, you'd probably be right. But then, that's probably true of most of us.
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Probably about as well as that.
I have one of those! Somewhere! I think i actually combined it with one of those shake weights things! And made the hole bigger!
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Are you still talking about a flashlight?
Um, yeah? What do you think... Oh, thanks Engine, I didn't realize apparently "flash" might have been a euphemism. But, what does flashing have to do with torches that charge from vigorous oscillation?
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Have you ever heard of the fleshlight?
I hadn't. ... google ... oh! (thank you for not showing images) Not opening any of those links at work!
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Filed under: explaining the joke
Yeah, you ruined it. Thanks for taking the out of the wind-tunnel.
On a serious note: Yes, I have one.
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Not the fleshlight! The battery-less flashlight!
Gosh this hole is getting deeper.
Filed under: Stopping now, this is getting ridiculous and Engine is metaphorically rolling on the floor hysterically
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I'm inclined to say, "I hope so."
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Would it be a crime to drive around the store eating and drinking stuff, if I collect all the wrappers and pay for it afterwards?
Most likely not. Unless there's another law in effect, like an open container law.
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That is mesmerizing.
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That looks like it could run either way on a whim. I don't know about using that as an engine...might be a great compressor. Seems like there'd be lots of wear on the "bowtie" though.
Speaking of running either way, this came to mind:
You know in my line of work, you gotta be able either to sing "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic" or "Dixie" with equal enthusiasm... --The Outlaw Josie Wales
That is mesmerizing.
Seconded.
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You know in my line of work, you gotta be able either to sing "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic" or "Dixie" with equal enthusiasm
Zombie?
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Zombie?
You need to watch the movie.
The character is Sim Carstairs, who owns a ferry boat on the Missouri River. He's an equal opportunity ferryman: you got the coin, he got the ride. Union soldiers, Confederate soldiers, Redlegs, "Missouri Ruffians", he ferries them all.
But sometimes the business requires that he successfully demonstrate the "appropriate allegiance," which is accomplished by singing the appropriate song. In fact, he's seen doing a rendition of "Dixie" when Wales rides up, having correctly inferred Wales' Confederate character.
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You need to watch the movie.
Oh. Well I was trying to joke that if you needed to sing both songs with the same enthusiasm, you could sing them bored and get a pass. I guess my inferred context wasn't good enough...
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I guess my inferred context wasn't good enough...
I agree, I don't think I deserve a whoosh on that.
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That looks like it could run either way on a whim. I don't know about using that as an engine...might be a great compressor. Seems like there'd be lots of wear on the "bowtie" though.
Detroit diesels are (were?) 2-stroke engines and they had an interesting quirk wherein if the engine was stalled just right, the compression energy could cause the engine to rotate in reverse just hard enough to start the engine rotating the opposite of how it was supposed to run.
It could cause interesting things to occur...
The "bowtie" appears to run with large roller bearings as the bearing surface on the pistons.
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Interesting that it's drawn without a cutaway housing. I think the figure-8 and piston support struts need so much clearing that the piston would barely sit in the cylinder, ready to pop out at some failed synchronization.
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Right, the housing can grab the cylinders at the sides.
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That guy's website is the BEST. I spent like 3 weeks once just absorbing his pages on unusual locomotives.
In actual funny stuff news, today's Wondermark made me laugh:
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that guy is a fucking genius
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They probably intended to write GIVE CYCLISTS SPACE TO RIDE AROUND THIS SIGN but it didn't fit.
Oh hey, look what I found today.
It's a dupe, but the added text makes it funny again.
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The government giveth, but then it taketh away.