The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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On the morning that Daylight Saving Time ended, I visited my aging friend. He was busy covering his wang with shoe polish.
I said to him, "You'd better get your hearing checked. You're supposed to turn your clock back."
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I don't mean to boast, but I've got a very flat stomach.
With a silent "L".
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad inthe newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Dammit, here I thought it was going to be a bondage fetish!
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Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lack toes!
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I think it's getting serious with my girlfriend.
I haven't smiled in a year.I need to keep a pillow under my desk so I can muffle my laughs at work.
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@tharpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I think it's getting serious with my girlfriend.
I haven't smiled in a year.I need to keep a pillow under my desk so I can muffle my laughs at work.
Are you sure it's you that's laughing?
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@tharpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I need to keep a pillow under my desk so I can muffle my laughs at work.
They're good for muffling other people too.
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@dcon said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tharpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I need to keep a pillow under my desk so I can muffle my laughs at work.
They're good for muffling other people too.
True, but I can't do that more than once or twice a year, or people start getting suspicious.
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@tharpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@dcon said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tharpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I need to keep a pillow under my desk so I can muffle my laughs at work.
They're good for muffling other people too.
True, but I can't do that more than once or twice a year, or people start getting suspicious.
Just blackmail them into not telling. At least, that's what I understand from certain fictions...
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tharpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@dcon said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tharpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I need to keep a pillow under my desk so I can muffle my laughs at work.
They're good for muffling other people too.
True, but I can't do that more than once or twice a year, or people start getting suspicious.
Just blackmail them into not telling. At least, that's what I understand from certain fictions...
"You're next."
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Does anyone know if it's possible to have a skin graft taken, from a buttock, to donate to someone who isn't a relative?
Ass skin for a friend.
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@Tsaukpaetra I don't quite get it. What is it actually that's in the picture (apart from the hat, sword and shield from some The Legend of Zelda game)?
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@JBert said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra I don't quite get it. What is it actually that's in the picture (apart from the hat, sword and shield from some The Legend of Zelda game)?
A piece of sausage. Commonly called a link of sausage.
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@Tsaukpaetra You know you've been playing too much pokémon when...
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@izzion said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@PleegWat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
too much pokémon
E_DOES_NOT_EXIST
I resemble that remark.
We were upstate to visit my parents for Thanksgiving and made a few detours to try and get a raid or two while up there. I also made sure to stock up on pokeballs before we left as there is a dearth of pokestops there.
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
"You have to move your vowels, or else you get consonated."
-- Howie Mandel
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@dcon said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
That's disturbing. They're LOOKING AT ME!!!
In case the link gets fixed:
The eyes follow the mouse.
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I once made a belt out of watches. It was a complete waist of time.
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@da-Doctah said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
"You have to move your vowels, or else you get consonated."
-- Howie MandelWhen I was a kid Dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it.
I didn't really - he was just putting words in my mouth.
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If Bowser were to fuck Mario that'd be gay. But if Bowser were to become Bowsette and fuck Mario it wouldn't be gay. So long, gay Bowser.
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@eugene-dabs Welcome to the forums?
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@Tsaukpaetra I'm guessing you're ing
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@pie_flavor said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra I'm guessing you're ing
One of three guesses used. Guess again.
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@Tsaukpaetra Nah.
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
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@boomzilla Not to be confused with:
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My ex acquired a restraining order.
I can't hold it against her.
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I'm not even sure if it's a joke, but...
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/375166159634563072/523821265392238616/vet.jpg
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@Tsaukpaetra I've hear that one with a mortician.
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra I've hear that one with a mortician.
That's a damn lie. I wasn't even in town at the time.
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@Tsaukpaetra I was expecting "minor indiscretion" and "minor mistake" to be indicative of something...
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@kazitor said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra I was expecting "minor indiscretion" and "minor mistake" to be indicative of something...
Keep reading further into it...
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Why did the Christmas elf push his bed into the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log.
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