Crypto-cows
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Re: The Official Funny Stuff Thread™
I feel like there should be a cryptocurrency version of these but I'm too right now to attempt. Please reply with your versions!@DoctorJones said in The Official Funny Stuff Thread™:
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@boomzilla
What about Moonero?
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Bitcoin
You have 0 cows.
You leave your GPU running for a whole week, verifying cow trading transactions from around the world.
You now have 0.03 cows, worth $1.30.
Your electricity bill is $300 more than usual.
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Dogecoin
Very milk! Such crypto!
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You have one cow.
You have 2.4 cows.
You have 25000 cows.
penis.
You have no cow.
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@boomzilla said in Crypto-cows:
Re: The Official Funny Stuff Thread™
(/assets/uploads/files/1518621984098-969d492d-9a0a-414c-8982-e529a7e1ff2f-image.png)They got Socialism wrong. It should be, "The State takes one and gives one to your neighbor."
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For anyone who wants it. You need Roboto Light and Roboto Condensed installed.
0_1518760622506_communism-cow.xcf
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@pie_flavor said in Crypto-cows:
For anyone who wants it. You need Roboto Light and Roboto Condensed installed.
1518755370743-communism-cow.xcfI apparently need more than mere fonts installed...
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@tsaukpaetra said in Crypto-cows:
I apparently need more than mere fonts installed...
Pretty sure .xcf is GIMP. Not sure why there'd be an implicit assumption that anyone would have that piece of shit installed.
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@heterodox Do you have a better one (that's still free)?
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@pie_flavor said in Crypto-cows:
@heterodox Do you have a better one (that's still free)?
A better what? Picture format? How about one that's so ubiquitous that I don't need a separate program to open it?
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@pie_flavor said in Crypto-cows:
@heterodox Do you have a better one (that's still free)?
No, though I can't say I've been looking. Even if there is no better one, it's still a piece of shit.
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@tsaukpaetra It's not an image format, it's a project format. I have helpfully replaced the image's text with editable text boxes, keeping it as identical to the original as possible.
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@heterodox Well, it does what I want it to, and nothing else does, so I have it installed.
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@pie_flavor said in Crypto-cows:
. I have
helpfully replaced the image's text with editable text boxes, keeping it as identical to the original as possibleeffectively provided an encrypted file with nought but a sticky note with a word to determine how to start looking for the key. .FTFY .
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@Tsaukpaetra Works for me.
edit: wrong e
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@pie_flavor said in Crypto-cows:
@Tsaukpaetra Works for me.
That's a jpg file, not whatever you posted before.
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@tsaukpaetra Do you have any idea what GIMP even is?
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@pie_flavor said in Crypto-cows:
@Tsaukpaetra Do you have any idea what GIMP even is?
Sure. It's the GNU's Not Unix Image Manipulation Program. It's basically a glorified, feature-full version of MSPaint for Linux and people who wish they had Linux.
It also allows people to encrypt graphical documents into formats that no other program can open.
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@djls45 So what's better (that's still free)?
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@pie_flavor I didn't say you shouldn't use it. But it comes with a nifty set of export settings that let you save the image as a common format as well. Export to PNG, JPG, or even *cough* GIF. :)
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@djls45 said in Crypto-cows:
@pie_flavor I didn't say you shouldn't use it. But it comes with a nifty set of export settings that let you save the image as a common format as well. Export to PNG, JPG, or even *cough* GIF. :)
Or leave the image in its native format and continue to manipulate text as text, work with multiple layers, etc.
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@djls45 The point was that I was uploading a template, which anyone with GIMP and the right fonts could open and type text into the boxes, for purposes of simplifying the effort it takes the warthogs around here to produce a couple of good jokes. I would never upload an xcf file as an actual image to gawk at.
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@pie_flavor There's a myriad of websites that already let someone do that, though, and those accept common image formats just fine.
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@djls45 In the same format with the same font? Point one out to me.
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@sloosecannon
https://i.imgur.com/jmQMOtJ.png
Well, I suppose in that case...
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Here, let's get this thread back on topic.
@boomzilla
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@pie_flavor said in Crypto-cows:
The point was that I was uploading a template, which anyone with GIMP and the right fonts could open
And yet the only thing you felt the need to mention was the fonts, not the weird editor you need to even open the file
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@jaloopa GIMP is hardly a 'weird editor', and I assumed that anyone downloading an xcf knew what to do with it. Same way one generally knows what to do with CSS code when given it here.
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@pie_flavor said in Crypto-cows:
anyone downloading an xcf knew what to do with it
Why would they? I'm a programmer, not a graphic designer and it's not like I went hunting for an xcf file, you just presented it while talking about fonts
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@boomzilla That’s been around since at least 1999, or so my mailer tells me when I searched for “two cows”. Here’s what I dug up:
The two cow theory of political structures:
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows.=07 You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shiu is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away.”
(Edit: Corrected line breaks.)
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Internet since 2012: there are two cows. Nobody can figure out how to milk them on mobile. Because of that, they soon lose the ability to lactate even on desktop.
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This post is deleted!
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@gąska said in Crypto-cows:
lactate on desktop
I'm sure there is a place on the internet for this kink
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@gurth said in Crypto-cows:
@boomzilla That’s been around since at least 1999, or so my mailer tells me when I searched for “two cows”. Here’s what I dug up:
The two cow theory of political structures:
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows.=07 You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for
keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you
vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and
they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or
your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shiu is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies
they ever existed. Milk is banned.COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got
to have some of this milk.SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
I don't suppose this originally came from tucows?
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@masonwheeler Canadian capitalism: you own Tucows. You're a fucking billionaire.
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@topspin said in Crypto-cows:
@the_quiet_one said in Crypto-cows:
Dogecoin
milk!BARF
Lasts longer than any other milk, doge milk. No bugger will drink it.
Plus the advantage of doge milk is, it tastes exactly the same gone off as when it's fresh
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@pie_flavor You (correctly) argue that the whole point of the template you helpfully provided as .xcf was that it has layers / editable text. Then you go ahead and export a jpeg with so many artifacts my eyes start to
bleedlactate. Looked like you know what you're doing up to that point.
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@jaloopa said in Crypto-cows:
@topspin said in Crypto-cows:
@the_quiet_one said in Crypto-cows:
Dogecoin
milk!BARF
Lasts longer than any other milk, doge milk. No bugger will drink it.
Plus the advantage of doge milk is, it tastes exactly the same gone off as when it's fresh
Now I'm wondering what dog milk tastes like.
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@gąska PETA people say it tastes great!
Could You Stomach This? – 01:34
— PETA UKNow, the hard part: searching for a shop in Poland that sells dog milk. I bet it's not going to be easy. Definitely harder than human milk.
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Here's a template in a format that isn't completely retarded:
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@luhmann said in Crypto-cows:
@gąska said in Crypto-cows:
lactate on desktop
I'm sure there is a place on the internet for this kink
Rule 34.
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@pie_flavor said in Crypto-cows:
@tsaukpaetra Do you have any idea what GIMP even is?
Sure! It's a word to describe the state of someone who is physically disabled partially in the context of locomotion.
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@pie_flavor said in Crypto-cows:
@djls45 The point was that I was uploading a template, which anyone with GIMP and the right fonts could open and type text into the boxes, for purposes of simplifying the effort it takes the warthogs around here to produce a couple of good jokes. I would never upload an xcf file as an actual image to gawk at.
That wasn't made clear by your post. Rather it sounded self-entitled self-congratulating.
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Here's a more official looking version of my earlier post, thanks to @hungrier for the template
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@dragnslcr said in Crypto-cows:
@luhmann said in Crypto-cows:
@gąska said in Crypto-cows:
lactate on desktop
I'm sure there is a place on the internet for this kink
Rule 34.
TBH that ones going to be slightly more interpreted when I find it...
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Dutch Democracy: You have two cows. You engage in three-party talks with the cows and the government about how much milk they should give and what kind of stabling and food they get in return, and how the government will help with all of these things. The government lets you police yourself when it comes to honouring your side of the deal, because obviously, nobody would ever do anything that goes against a negotiated agreement.
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Web Forums: You have two cows. One of them is a in disguise that eats all your fodder and fills your stable with manure. After you complain to its owner, he bans you from his paddock.