The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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A vegan said to me: “People who sell meat are gross.”
I replied: “But people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.”
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What do you call a broke Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
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What did one chimney say to the other?
You're too young to smoke.
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Shut Up, Mind Your Own Business and Trouble were walking down a road. Trouble got lost. So, the other two found a policeman. The policeman asked, "What are your names?"
They replied, "Shut Up" and "Mind Your Own Business".
The policeman asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yes, how did you know?"
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What did one wall say to the other?
Meet me at the corner.
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What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing. It just waved.
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Two psychologists run into each other. “You’re fine. How am I doing?”
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@gurth said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Two psychologists run into each other. “You’re fine. How am I doing?”
At least 6 people get that, but I'm not one of them.
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@chozang said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@gurth said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Two psychologists run into each other. “You’re fine. How am I doing?”
At least 6 people get that, but I'm not one of them.
Reversed?
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@chozang Normally, when you meet someone, you might say something like, “How are you doing? I’m fine.” Psychologists look at how other people are feeling.
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@chozang said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@gurth said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Two psychologists run into each other. “You’re fine. How am I doing?”
At least 6 people get that, but I'm not one of them.
Reversed?
Reverse psychology, got it, I think.
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Two snowmen in next-door gardens...
One says to the other, "can you smell carrots?"
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@chozang said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@gurth said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Two psychologists run into each other. “You’re fine. How am I doing?”
At least 6 people get that, but I'm not one of them.
I think you would need to go on Not-Dave-Letterman with a supervillain as your patient to get it.
Filed Under: I'm OK, You're
An AssholeOK
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@chozang said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@gurth said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Two psychologists run into each other. “You’re fine. How am I doing?”
At least 6 people get that, but I'm not one of them.
Reversed?
That's my favorite kind of humor ("I want to visit the Great Wall of China so I can see if the moon is visible from there"; "Does my ass make this dress look big?", etc) but this is a particularly weak example of the type.
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@zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@izzion said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@lolwhat
Also, a cheater, cuz there ain’t no way rabbit food turns into diarrhea.Maybe not diarrhea in the usual medical sense, but some vegetarian food can give you Epic Unstoppable Poop, trust me.
I once ate an entire bunch of bananas because they were going off. Bad move.
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@scholrlea Glad you fixed your projection.
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What’s the best thing about telling UDP jokes?
I don’t have to care if you get them.
Filed under: Front page article reference
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@da-doctah said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
this is a particularly weak example of the type.
Which is why I posted it in this particular thread, of course.
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@cursorkeys said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I once ate an entire bunch of bananas because they were going off. Bad move.
They say eating bananas helps stop diarrhea.
To that I say: "I think you're eating them wrong"
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@Zecc Maybe it helps flush the problematic material out sooner?
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@zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@cursorkeys said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I once ate an entire bunch of bananas because they were going off. Bad move.
They say eating bananas helps stop diarrhea.
To that I say: "I think you're eating them wrong"
I don't see it as , just describing it wrong.
File Under: Going in the out door.
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Why did the scarecrow get an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What word means *fear of Santa*?
Claustrophobia.
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"So tell me about yourself."
"I can do mental math really fast."
"Oh" — picks up calculator — "How much is 837 minus 105?"
"645"
"Hmm. That's not right."
"No. But it was really fast."
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^ I typed three random numbers and accidentally made them match up. Had to edit the last one before posting. ^
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A Machine Learning Algorithm walks into a bar.
Bartender: What would you like to drink?
MLA: What's everyone else having?
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A black guy, a priest, and a rabbi get on a plane
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@zecc Is this some kind of joke?
Filed Under: Now they just need a horse and a 12" tall pianist.
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What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a train?
Two halves of a crocodile.
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I always regretted never learning Spanish
Que sera, sera
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@scholrlea Tu pérdida.
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Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common, they're the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.
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People say that Steve Jobs died too soon, but I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company's attitude towards battery life.
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@doctorjones So we're going to have to get an updated Jobs 2 soon?
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@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@doctorjones So we're going to have to get an updated Jobs 2 soon?
There have been three models of Jobs 2 out for a while now. I am pretty sure that there is a Jobs 3 as well, but I've never been the type to get snoopy about family...
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What do you call someone who eats ass?
Hole-y Diver.
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I hear that the UK government is trying to appease Scot separatists by a new public works project for a loop of underwater train tunnels between the main Scottish coastline and the outlying islands.
Unfortunately, it seems to be backfiring, as they are catching flak for the proposed name: The Ewe Tube.
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An old guy told me that he saw The Titanic, and that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but they ignored him, however they were warned again on several occasions, until they kicked him out the cinema.
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What do you call an Asian drug that bulks up your glutes, but only a little bit?
Flank 'Roid Lite
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Which dog is the most awe inspiring?
Shee! WOW! Aaaah...
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@zecc
Of all of the jokes in the thread, this one is probably the most downvote worthy.Which means you win the thread, I guess
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"Hi. One box of condoms please."
"Would you like a bag?"
"Nah, she's not that ugly."
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As a Viscount Pedantic Dickweed of the Most Noble Order of the Garter as well as holder of the Wooden Spoon of Spellar and Gramming, I felt particular affinity for these comments:
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@hardwaregeek He calls himself a pedant and doesn't rip her for saying "never to young"?
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@obeselymorbid He should have just said, "covfefe."
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I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
(Bonus: I asked my Mexican friend how they felt about the US building a wall.
They said they'd get over it.)