The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨
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Waiter: Would you like to hear the specials?
Customer: No thanks, I don't like ska.
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@mikael_svahnberg My father had this cup for years
I can't find it in non-cup form but it's the same joke as
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My sister bet me Β£100 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!
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@coldandtired said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!
Harder joke to understand in the U.S. where common pronunciation is pah-stuh vs. pas-tuh. :p
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@heterodox said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@coldandtired said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!
Harder joke to understand in the U.S. where common pronunciation is pah-stuh vs. pas-tuh. :p
Eh, you say it with a Boston accent, and it still works.
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@chozang said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
Eh, you say it with a Boston accent, and it still works.
Heh. This is true.
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@heterodox said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
Harder joke to understand in the U.S. where common pronunciation is pah-stuh vs. pas-tuh.
I'll add it to the long list of things wrong with America ;)
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It's funny how smoking is supposedly bad for humans but at the same time it cures salmon.
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Q: Why did the Scots surgeon put haggis on top of curried rotisserie lamb?
A: His patient needed an organ dΓΆner.
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Donald Trump calls up his boss and says "Vlad, I feel really terrible. I stayed up half the night trading threats with Kim Jong-un. I don't think I can come to work today."
Putin says "When Vlad feel terrible, he just has sex with his wife and Vlad the terrible is great again. You should try it."
Trump stumbles into the oval office three days later drunk off his ass. He calls up Putin and says "Vlad, thanks for the advice, it really worked. By the way you have a nicely stocked liquor cabinet."
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A couple of farmers are walking home after a long day haymaking. Suddenly they are overtaken by a motorcyclist without a head. The farmers are unnerved, but continue on their way. Another motorcycle passes them and again the rider is lacking a head. "What the hell is happening here?" asks one of the farmers just as the third headless motorcyclist drives by.
"I'm not sure" replies the other farmer. "But maybe you should put the scythe on your other shoulder."
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
A couple of farmers are walking home after a long day haymaking. Suddenly they are overtaken by a motorcyclist without a head. The farmers are unnerved, but continue on their way. Another motorcycle passes them and again the rider is lacking a head. "What the hell is happening here?" asks one of the farmers just as the third headless motorcyclist drives by.
"I'm not sure" replies the other farmer. "But maybe you should put the scythe on your other shoulder."And the two farmers should switch places.
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In this case, the joke is myself, for thinking it is a good idea to re-post this in a group who won't know anything about the setting or characters.
Cue the not-especially-Shaggy Dog
Bianca walked up to the MMM table to find Tia shivering in fury, trying to remove the odd 'hat' some prankster gifted her with. Watching as Lapin stormed out of the dining hall, she took the seat the other girl had just vacated.
Laura, focusing on some calculations she was scribbling to the point where she was apparently oblivious to Tia's departure, said to no one in particular, "Do you happen to know what the cycle rate for that damper was? I might be able use that to counteract the effect, even if it is partly magical."
"I have no idea what you are talking about," Glyph replied, "But that was a bunny with a pancake on her head."
Filed Under: Do I have to explain about the meme I'm referring to here, too? Man, I suck at this 'humor' thing.
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Two brothers, Garth and Simon, were walking down the lane by their home with their dog, Walter. They decided to continue on the lane to visit their rich uncle at his gated estate. As they arrived at the huge stone fence and rang the intercom to announce themselves, a deep voice told them the remote release for the gate wasn't working and he would walk down to let them in manually. As they waited at the gate, they spied their uncle's driver coming to let them in. He was a large man and was huffing and puffing when he reached the gate. He explained he was working on the vehicles and that is why he didn't drive down to get them. He let them in and they all started for the house when suddenly Walter took offense at something the driver did and started chasing him, barking and snarling.
The upstairs maid heard the commotion and asked the downstairs maid what was going on. She replied, "It's just that Simon and Garth's uncle's big chauffeur troubled Walter."
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@masonwheeler This one took me some research to appreciate.
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@obeselymorbid I hope the research eased your mind on the subject...
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@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
"It's just that Simon and Garth's uncle's big chauffeur troubled Walter."
It makes me sad that my son is too young to get the joke. He'd never heard of either Simon and Garfunkel or the song. Even after I pulled up YouTube and played the first clip I found, which happened to be from the 1981 Concert in Central Park, he seemed unimpressed. :(
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There once was a little frog who wanted to take out a home improvement loan to fix up his pad. His name is Kermit Jagger.He hopped over to his local bank, went up to the teller and said, "Hi, I'd like to take out a loan to fix up my pad."
The teller replied, "You need to see our loan officer. Her name is "Patricia Black."So the frog hops over to the loan officer's desk and sits down. When Patricia arrives she ask, "What can I do for you?"
The frog says, "I'd like to take out a loan to fix up my pad."
Patricia asked, "What do you have for collateral?"
After thinking for a couple of moments about what he could offer the frog reaches into his little froggy pocket and pulls out a small white elephant.
"This is a very unusual form of collateral." said Patricia. "I'll have to check with our bank president to see if it's ok."
Patricia goes to the president and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who want's a home loan and this white elephant is all he is offering for collateral. What should I do?"
The bank president takes the small white elephant and after carefully examining it hands it back to Patricia and says,
"It's a nick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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@hardwaregeek said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
"It's just that Simon and Garth's uncle's big chauffeur troubled Walter."
It makes me sad that my son is too young to get the joke. He'd never heard of either Simon and Garfunkel or the song. Even after I pulled up YouTube and played the first clip I found, which happened to be from the 1981 Concert in Central Park, he seemed unimpressed. :(
I can beat that. Once had a car stereo installed by a couple of guys named Chad and Jeremy, and I had to explain to them what was so funny.
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My calculator seems to want to track what I'm doing...
<?details>
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Q: What kind of fruit has a tradition of shipboard military service?
A: Naval oranges.
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@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
Q: What kind of fruit has a tradition of shipboard military service?
A: Blueberries. As worn by the Navy. Actually, the Navy in general.
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The first old lady says βwindy, isn't it?β, the second says βno it's Thursdayβ, the third says βme too, let's go inside for a nice pot of teaβ
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@pjh said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
My calculator seems to want to track what I'm doing...
<?details>https://pics.me.me/icant-respond-toany-emails-today-something-has-crashed-on-my-16443912.png
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Life is like a penis, it'll be all relaxed and just hanging there until a female comes along and makes it hard.
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@obeselymorbid And, generally, the hotter the female, the harder it gets
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Winter swears this has never happened to him before, he's not sure just what's wrong, no, honey it's not you, really, he just had a
harddifficult day at work and maybe we should try again later, bae.
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Scaling with AWS
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There are rumours that nvidia are working on self-driving cars...
.. but one of their problems is their drivers keep crashing
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@scholrlea Apparently, the 'Winter is coming' meme has passed its expiration date. No surprise. Oh, well, so much for that joke.
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@scholrlea said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
Apparently, the 'Winter is coming' meme has passed its expiration date.
All its base took an arrow to the knee.
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@da-doctah Nothing peeves my pet more than people who use laptops for years without ever removing the "this laptop features USB 3.0!" promotional stickers for the store display model.
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@blakeyrat said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
peeves my pet
Do your pet's jimmies ever get rustled?
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@blakeyrat said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
peeves my pet
Do your pet's jimmies ever get rustled?
They get jived.
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@blakeyrat said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@da-doctah Nothing peeves my pet more than people who use laptops for years without ever removing the "this laptop features USB 3.0!" promotional stickers for the store display model.
I'd rather have a shiny promo sticker than an adhesive-covered area that you never clean completely and which attracts dust and other shit to it on my laptop.
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@blakeyrat said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@da-doctah Nothing peeves my pet more than people who use laptops for years without ever removing the "this laptop features USB 3.0!" promotional stickers for the store display model.
I'd rather have a shiny promo sticker than an adhesive-covered area that you never clean completely and which attracts dust and other shit to it on my laptop.
I'd leave the sticker on just to show to blakey.
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@obeselymorbid It wouldn't be an issue if you removed the sticker as soon as you take the laptop out of the box, rather than transferring the glue to the case by letting the computer get hot.
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@obeselymorbid
http://www.organizeit.com/images/liquid-goo-gone-stain-remover.jpg
is a thing. A thing that actually works quite well. :D
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@dcon said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@blakeyrat said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
peeves my pet
Do your pet's jimmies ever get rustled?
They get jived.
Before or after you put them on the ice cream?
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@blakeyrat said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@da-doctah Nothing peeves my pet more than people who use laptops for years without ever removing the "this laptop features USB 3.0!" promotional stickers for the store display model.
@jbert said in The bad jokes topic π΄πΉπ¨:
@obeselymorbid It wouldn't be an issue if you removed the sticker as soon as you take the laptop out of the box, rather than transferring the glue to the case by letting the computer get hot.
One would assume that store display models would, by that point, have already baked the stickers on.
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@pjh The stickers are put on the laptop in case that laptop is randomly chosen to be the store display model.
Most people do not buy the display model.
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