The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
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I hated lockdown at first but now I'm starting to love it.
I think I have stuck-home syndrome.
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@PJH said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I hated lockdown at first but now I'm starting to love it.
I think I have stuck-home syndrome.
Until I get corona-fever I'll settle for cabin-fever.
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Riverdance is my favourite style of dancing, hands down.
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Filed under: Apologies to Ellis Morning for increasing the blog's pageviews every time I want the old logo
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Spoiler
From Wikipedia:
Solo Irish dance includes the most well-known form of Irish dance, Irish stepdance, which was popularised from 1994 onwards by dance shows such as Riverdance, and which is practised competitively across the Irish diaspora. Stepdance is characterised by the rigid upper body and intricate footwork of its performers.
They always keep their hands down next to their body (or at least a whole lot of the time).
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@JBert I thought it was some sort of Eurovision joke. I googled and it was all over the results. Didn't notice it's from 1994
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I bought a car off Bonnie Tyler last year.
It generally runs OK, but every now and then it falls apart.
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@JBert said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Spoiler
From Wikipedia:
Solo Irish dance includes the most well-known form of Irish dance, Irish stepdance, which was popularised from 1994 onwards by dance shows such as Riverdance, and which is practised competitively across the Irish diaspora. Stepdance is characterised by the rigid upper body and intricate footwork of its performers.
They always keep their hands down next to their body (or at least a whole lot of the time).
Apparently they do it in Taiwan too....
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@da-Doctah said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Apparently they do it in Taiwan too....
South Korea too - at least Waveya give it a good try here; all five of them manage it at the same time at some points in this video of an old Chess song sung (well 'rapped') by Murray Head.
Other parts of their anatomy, not so much...
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Early in the morning, a lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears – a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.
His friend wasn’t so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” said the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
“What did you do that for!” shouted the lawyer, “I said he was in the other bear!”
“Exactly,” answered the policeman. “Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”
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Why are insects of the family Formicidae immune to Coronovirus?
Because of their anty bodies.
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/643871644062056458/718640750602223637/image0.jpg
I wackyparsed the first sentence as "A guy is taking his girlfriend to porn."
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The reopening of Lego stores was a big deal this year.
People were lined up for blocks.
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@da-Doctah said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I wackyparsed the first sentence as "A guy is taking his girlfriend to porn."
I'm glad it wasn't just me
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If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts in public, everyone else should act like nothing happened.
Noble gases should provoke no reaction.
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My highschool classmates voted me the most likely to become a genital exhibitionist.
Well, I've showed them!
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My neighbour's daughter phoned. She said: "Come over, nobody's home"
I went over. Nobody was home.
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@Vault_Dweller said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
My neighbour's daughter phoned. She said: "Come over, nobody's home"
I went over. Nobody was home.
Oh, that Henny Youngman!
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A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade.”
"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."
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: Have you heard of Murphy's law?
: No, what is it?
: If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.
: Right, have you heard of Cole's law?
: No, what is it?
: Thinly sliced cabbage.
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
"I'm riding Silver Arrow
Silver Arrow is, of course, satisfied with her stallion but would be amenable to letting another mare join the herd.
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This post is deleted!
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"What's your name, kid?"
"Bi-bi-bi-bi-billy."
"You have some mighty stuttering, eh?"
"No, my dad had and the county registry clerk was an asshole."
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Is there some challenge going on to re-read old jokes? Those are all from 2015.
Alternatively, @loopback0 forgot to logout from @topspin alt before liking the first one.
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Is there some challenge going on to re-read old jokes? Those are all from 2015.
Alternatively, @loopback0 forgot to logout from @topspin alt before liking the first one.
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Do not jump into the lens-cutting machine.
You'll just make a spectacle of yourself.
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My girlfriend got all mad at me because while she bought all her underwear in a single pack, I bought individual pieces instead.
But honestly, I don't understand why she got her panties in a bunch.
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Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but nobody ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol.
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but nobody ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol.
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When choosing beach attire
make sure the owner is swimming far enough in the sea.
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Brazilian footballers are not well known for coming up with bird puns, but Pelé can.
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@DoctorJones Bird puns, uh? Toucan play that game.
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@DoctorJones Bird puns, uh? Toucan play that game.
'cause precious and few are the moments we toucans share.
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My daughter just ruined Toy Story for ever.
She said if one of the toys died, Andy wouldn't know and would keep on playing with its corpse.
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@PJH said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
My daughter just ruined Toy Story for ever.
She said if one of the toys died, Andy wouldn't know and would keep on playing with its corpse.
Can they die at all?
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@MrL said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@PJH said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
My daughter just ruined Toy Story for ever.
She said if one of the toys died, Andy wouldn't know and would keep on playing with its corpse.
Can they die at all?
I believe the running theory from the Carlin brothers is that they require complete annihilation in order to die.
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@MrL said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@PJH said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
My daughter just ruined Toy Story for ever.
She said if one of the toys died, Andy wouldn't know and would keep on playing with its corpse.
Can they die at all?
I believe the running theory from the Carlin brothers is that they require complete annihilation in order to die.
And now you've gone and made it even worse...
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@GOG said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@MrL said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@PJH said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
My daughter just ruined Toy Story for ever.
She said if one of the toys died, Andy wouldn't know and would keep on playing with its corpse.
Can they die at all?
I believe the running theory from the Carlin brothers is that they require complete annihilation in order to die.
And now you've gone and made it even worse...
Yeah, the ma
yjor evidence is in the operation semantics of potato head and the spork.Edit: yay autocorrect!
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@GOG said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@MrL said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@PJH said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
My daughter just ruined Toy Story for ever.
She said if one of the toys died, Andy wouldn't know and would keep on playing with its corpse.
Can they die at all?
I believe the running theory from the Carlin brothers is that they require complete annihilation in order to die.
And now you've gone and made it even worse...
Yeah, the mayor evidence is in the operation semantics of potato head and the spork.
I'm not even gonna try to pretend that I understood any of that (mind you, I haven't actually watched any of the Toy Stories).
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
the mayor evidence
I don't think any of the films feature a mayor...
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Two men were lost, and starving hungry. Finally they see a tree, draped in bacon. "Look!", says the first man, "It's a bacon tree, we're saved!". He runs to the tree, but is suddenly shot down in a hail of bullets. With his last dying breath, he says "it's not a bacon tree, it's a ham bush".
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A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman asked, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman asked, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear, "Have you ever been fucked?" The fellow looked up in amazement and a smile on his face and said, "No."
She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."
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@lolwhat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Have you ever been fucked?
"no, but I've been fucked up, as you can see..."