The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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@mott555 Would it have been easier if it was a picture of Breadzhnev?
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You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
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Crocodiles are significantly faster than humans, both on land and in water. So if you compete against a crocodile in triathlon, make sure to go extra fast on bike.
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The only reasons I use Facebook are
a) to reassure my family that I'm still alive
b) to mine for bad jokes.
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@jinpa Motherfucker, I came here to post that exact joke, and you did it five days ago!
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@lolwhat
If you can't have bad humour, you can at least have bad timing
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Two brothers enter a bar. One of them's got a gambling addiction.
The bartender serves up a single drink.
The other one's an alcoholic, so it was for the better.
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@dcon Obviously, because for the decimal to become a fraction would be pointless.
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When the flood was over, Noah told all the animals to go forth and multiply. After a while, Noah found that all the animals had offspring, apart from a pair of snakes.
“What is the problem?” asked Noah.
“We can’t multiply”, answered the snakes. “We’re adders.”
Noah and his sons started to make furniture for themselves, using rough hewn logs for chairs and tables. Next time Noah checked, he found the snakes with a clutch of young.
“I thought you said you couldn’t multiply”, said Noah. “
We can’t. We used the log tables”, answered the adders.
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What did the sexy vampiress tell Superman?
Would you like to see my crypt tonight?
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A couple checks into a Caribbean resort. Very fancy.
They are there for a few days, in a 10th-floor penthouse suite.
One night, the front desk clerk is on duty all by himself when the man calls, agitated:
“You need to get up here right away. My wife is upset and trying to jump off of the balcony.”
The clerk replies that he cannot leave his station, as he is the only one on duty, and he is forbidden to leave the front desk unmanned.
The man starts getting upset and starts yelling for the clerk to come help him.
“She’s not kidding. She’s had enough of our marriage and enough of life, and wants to end it all.”
The clerk is upset too, but still…
“Sir, I cannot leave my station for any reason except a maintenance or mechanical emergency.”
The man replies: “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, you idiot. The goddamn sliding window is stuck and won’t open."
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A guy on the bus suddenly notices his wallet is no longer in his pocket.
He says loudly to the whole bus: "Whoever took my wallet better give it back right now or it will be just like last time someone stole my wallet."
When no-one reacts he looks around menacingly and says again "You'd better return it or else it will be just like that other time."
Some junkie comes forward and gives him the wallet, then looks at him frightened and says "I'm sorry, but just out of curiosity what happened last time?"
"Last time they didn't return it."
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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store, so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.
They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.
At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We're all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.
The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.
By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!".
The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!".
The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy."
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@TimeBandit said in In other news today...:
"Light-to-moderate" alcohol consumption can help reduce your risk of Alzheimer's disease
https://www.sfgate.com/news/article/Doing-these-five-things-could-decrease-your-risk-14094544.php
As they say, it's better to have Alzheimer's than Parkinson's.
If you forget you just ask for another glass, but if you shake you'll spill your drink.
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
As they say, it's better to have Alzheimer's than Parkinson's.
If you forget you just ask for another glass, but if you shake you'll spill your drink.It's better if you have both: you'll forget you're supposed to shake
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@obeselymorbid Ah, the old 'I will do what my father did'. Nice spin.
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A Ukrainian guy is marrying a Russian girl.
Groom's father tells him before the wedding:
"When you get to the bedroom on your wedding night don't turn off the light right away. First you get undressed so your wife can see how handsome Ukrainians are.
Then you take your wife and throw her on the bed so that she sees how strong Ukrainians are.
Finally stand in the middle of the room and jerk yourself off so she sees how independent Ukrainians are."
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A beginner businessman is worrying before his first tax audit.
He asks his wife for advice:
"What do you think I should wear? If I come in dressed in an expensive suit they'll think I'm doing good and I will have trouble making them believe business is struggling if I can afford lavish clothes. If I dress casually, they might think I intentionally try to look poorer than I really am and am likely hiding my income."His wife replies:
"When I married you I asked my mom what should I wear on the wedding night. Should I wear sexy lingerie or a modest nightshirt?
I think what my mother told me then applies just as well to your current situation.She said, no matter what you decide to wear, either way you'll get fucked."
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Two guys get introduced at the party and start chatting.
"Where do you work?"
"NSA."
"Wow, tell me something interesting."
"About me or about you?"
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Moovie:
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@boomzilla
Especially appropriate, since they're the church of effing.
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@izzion The Crystal Methodist Church.
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What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
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Best Russia joke:
Man walks into bar.
Woman walks into kitchen.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no-eye deer.
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I bought a dog from a blacksmith today, and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.I can't bear with this joke.
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@_P_ you'll just have to grin and bear it
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@DoctorJones Last time I did that I lost my bearings so badly I almost stepped onto a bear trap. It was embearrassing.
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I think we need to stop, this conversation is bearly making sense
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Paging @Growler
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.It doesn't matter. They won't hear you calling them.
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@pie_flavor Did someone print that to a piece of paper then scan or photograph it back?
I remember seeing this comic in this thread a while ago and the white was actually white.
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I remember seeing this comic in this thread a while ago and the white was actually white
We got rid of the racist part
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A prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.
"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven`t been paid!" Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.
She shows him the definition:
PROSTITUTE n. A woman who performs services for money.
The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition:
KOALA BEAR n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves.
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@Gąska said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
A prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.
"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven`t been paid!" Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.
She shows him the definition:
PROSTITUTE n. A woman who performs services for money.
The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition:
KOALA BEAR n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves.
I prefere the one about the panda and a misplaced comma.
The first result on google misses the point.
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"I had to take a sobriety test yesterday."
"Oh, what was the most difficult question?"
"Are you retarded?"
"And what did you answer?"
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@Karla I hate to admit it, given the wretched hive of scum and villainy around here, but... I don't get it.
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@lolwhat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Karla I hate to admit it, but... I don't get it.
Danger: Explaining the joke
Botox gets rid of "crows feet".