The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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"Cheer up," my friend said. "It could be worse. You could be stuck in a deep hole filled with water."
It's annoying, but I know he means well.
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Today’s MIL joke
What is the difference between professional hockey and professional wrestling?
In hockey at the fights are for real. As I am always a wrestling fan, I did not know that. I am sad.
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@masonwheeler I'm trying to estimate how long it was since I've seen this joke last time. I think 5 years at least. 8, maybe?
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@gąska said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@masonwheeler I'm trying to estimate how long it was since I've seen this joke last time. I think 5 years at least. 8, maybe?
Not as long since the last time you lost the Game, though, right?
'cause, that was just a second ago now.
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@gąska said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@masonwheeler I'm trying to estimate how long it was since I've seen this joke last time. I think 5 years at least. 8, maybe?
Not as long since the last time you lost the Game, though, right?
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@gąska said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@gąska said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@masonwheeler I'm trying to estimate how long it was since I've seen this joke last time. I think 5 years at least. 8, maybe?
Not as long since the last time you lost the Game, though, right?
I love this song!
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"What would you do if you won a million?"
"Pay off my creditors."
"And what about the rest?"
"The rest of them will have to wait."
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Nice touch by the Nigerian football team after their defeat by England yesterday.
The players were so upset with the result that they have promised to refund all expenses to the fans who travelled to support them.
All they need do is send their bank details, sort code and pin number and they will transfer the money straight to them.
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Today’s MIL joke:
What do you call the capitals after they lose a hockey game?
Lowercase. Have a good week.
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@gąska See, the problem there is that I've got the video code memorized, so I knew what it was just from hovering over it.
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@pie_flavor said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@gąska See, the problem there is that I've got the video code memorized, so I knew what it was just from hovering over it.
We'll just have to use a randomizer then.
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@pie_flavor said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@gąska See, the problem there is that I've got the video code memorized
In other words, you have it stuck in your head forever.
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Following a link to a TI datasheet
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@cabrito What makes it a bad joke is that they have a no-resistance path in parallel.
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@scarlet_manuka said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@cabrito What makes it a bad joke is that they have a no-resistance path in parallel.
Someone's stolen the battery.
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Why was the algebra teacher widely regarded as a good mother?
Because she made sure her children had 3 square meals per day.
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@doctorjones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Why was the algebra teacher widely regarded as a good mother?
Because she made sure her children had 3 square meals per day.Why did the cross eyed teacher get fired?
Because he couldn't control his pupils
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What do you call a wolf man who doesn't know about his curse?
An unawarewolf.
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@jbert said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid I think you meant to post that in The Naughty Jokes topic...
I don't think we have one of those (search didn't find it, for that that's worth). So while I think this is a good joke, I'll just leave it here:
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat," said the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."
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@heterodox said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@jbert said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid I think you meant to post that in The Naughty Jokes topic...
I don't think we have one of those (search didn't find it, for that that's worth). So while I think this is a good joke, I'll just leave it here:
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat," said the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."
The graphic below is on one of my old hard drives with a create date of January 2,, 2011. No idea how long it had been on the website I downloaded it from:
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A 7-year-old was
giving an old-woman oral sex when
she recognized the taste of
horse semen. So she though
"Oh, was that how granma died?"
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Btw, consider the implication of
the word "recognized".
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@zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
A 7-year-old was
giving an old-woman oral sex when
she recognized the taste of
horse semen. So she though
"Oh, was that how granma died?"I don't get it
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@jaloopa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
A 7-year-old was
giving an old-woman oral sex when
she recognized the taste of
horse semen. So she though
"Oh, was that how granma died?"I don't get it
The 7yo was familiar with the taste of horse semen, and while engaging in cunnilingus with her dead grandma tasted the same.
At least, that's how I interpret it.
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@tsaukpaetra Oh. I interpreted "she" as the old woman, which made it very confusing
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Two pathologists are beginning to dissect a dead body in the morgue while the third one is reading the medical history at a desk nearby.
First one cuts through the stomach and exclaims:
"Ooh, porridge and a stew. You want some?" he asks the guy at a desk.
"No, go on, I've already had a dinner."
"Suit yourself."The two guys grab their spoons and start eating straight from the stomach.
When they're almost finished the guy at the desk stops reading the history and says
"You know, it looks like that stew is what killed him."The two pathologists vomit everything back in the body's stomach and run to the first aid kit.
The guy that was sitting at the desk gets out his spoon and says:
"Just kidding, you guys. He died from a stroke. I just like it heated up."
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@obeselymorbid what the fuck
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This thread has taken a bit of a dark turn.
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@obeselymorbid Wow. Sick.
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@heterodox said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@jbert said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid I think you meant to post that in The Naughty Jokes topic...
I don't think we have one of those (search didn't find it, for that that's worth). So while I think this is a good joke, I'll just leave it here:
https://what.thedailywtf.com/topic/17830/boomzilla-s-off-color-jokes-topic
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@boomzilla
I don't think that one is a fit ... there was no racist involvedMaybe the joke could be improved by making it a black cat
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@heterodox said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@jbert said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid I think you meant to post that in The Naughty Jokes topic...
I don't think we have one of those (search didn't find it, for that that's worth). So while I think this is a good joke, I'll just leave it here:
https://what.thedailywtf.com/topic/17830/boomzilla-s-off-color-jokes-topic
Feature request: when you start typing a post in this topic that might be off-colour, Clippy pops up saying "It looks like what you are typing is not merely a bad joke, but something even worse. Do you want to post to Boomzilla's topic instead?"
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@accalia said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
You ask a glass of water.I don't get it. What did he ask the glass of water?
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Volkswagen Golf drives past the police car.
Ok...
@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
springs out of the car, and pulls out the gun.
Well then you book it! If the cop is out of the car it would be more effective (in the short term) to simply keep driving than to immediately stop...
Am I missing something?
I think the cop was doing his pre-purchase research, and wanted to see if it was true that they had weak brakes.
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
My friend likes to brag he's got body of a Greek god.
One of these days I'll tell him Budda wasn't from Greece.I think you're thinking of Hotei.
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@tharpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@accalia said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
You ask a glass of water.I don't get it. What did he ask the glass of water?
Glasses of water have a different idea of what being drunk feels like than humans do
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@jaloopa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@tsaukpaetra Oh. I interpreted "she" as the old woman, which made it very confusing
Ditto. Joke needs rephrased. Also to end with "The Aristocrats!"
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A guy wakes up with a huge hangover, not remembering anything that happened yesterday and kind of amazed to find himself at home. He gets up, goes to the kitchen, sees that it is sparkling clean and there's a note on the table "Darling, when you wake up here's some pills for the headache you'll probably have and your favourite food in the fridge. Love you forever, your wife." He's surprised why his wife would be so kind to him this morning. He looks back in the room, all his shirts are ironed and carefully hanged, the whole house seems to be perfect. He spots his kid and asks "Son, what happened last night?"
"You came home completely wasted at night, threw up in the hall, wanted to start a fight with everyone, started breaking everything you could reach."
"But what happened with your mom?"
"Oh, that. When you finally calmed down and went to bed fully clothed, she tried to undress you. You pushed her away shouting 'Fuck off whore, I'm married!' "
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
He's surprised why his wife would be so kind to him this morning
Why?
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
He's surprised why his wife would be so kind to him this morning
Why?
Asking all the right questions.
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@stillwater What about the left ones?
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The difference between dating and politics is what you lie about and who gets fucked afterwards.
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I have had three girlfriends before.
Recently I met Hope which was also the name of one of my exes.
I have already nicknamed my new girlfriend Episode IV.
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I have had three girlfriends before.
Recently I met Hope which was also the name of one of my exes.
I have already nicknamed my new girlfriend Episode IV.I've got a bad feeling about this....
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@da-doctah said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I have had three girlfriends before.
Recently I met Hope which was also the name of one of my exes.
I have already nicknamed my new girlfriend Episode IV.I've got a bad feeling about this....
The bad jokes topic...oh wait.
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