The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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At a costume party:
"What did you come as?"
"As a harp."
"No way, that costume is way too small to be a harp."
"Excuse me? Are you calling me a lyre?"
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I decided to put my Rhoomba on Ebay, because it was only sat there, gathering dust.
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I think I use my F1 key too often. Don't worry though, I'm trying to get help.
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I ate a frozen apple the other day. I know what you're thinking, hardcore.
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I played a practical joke on my wife the other day, I put washing up liquid in her drink. She was foaming at the mouth!
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I spent some time deleting all of the German numbers from my mobile phone. Now it's Hans free.
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@doctorjones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
fairy liquid
This loses its humor (whatever little it may have had to begin with) on this side of the Pond. I had to google it. It's made by a US based company, but AFAIK they don't use that brand in the US.
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@hardwaregeek I've changed it, is that any better?
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@doctorjones Yes, but US would call it something like dishwashing liquid or dishwashing detergent, although it's quite possible this varies by region.
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How did the cannon ball lose his job?
Spoiler
He got fired!
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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
It must be more than eight because it's still dark in my basement.
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@obeselymorbid Paging @Lorne-Kates...
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@doctorjones Which is to say, he was discharged.
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Why did Santa's helper refuse to ride on the sleigh?
Spoiler
It was a violation of Elven safety
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Why did the tired old man push his bed into the fireplace?
Spoiler
Because he wanted to sleep like a log
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
It must be more than eight because it's still dark in my basement.What my friends had to say about it...
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Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Spoiler
Santa Jaws
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Breaking news: a man who took an airline to court over his missing luggage has lost his case!
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: Excuse me, I need to book a doctor's appointment...
: OK, how about 10 tomorrow?
: No, I don't need that many
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Q: Did you hear about the corrupt CEO who got in an industrial accident and ended up gaining super-stretchy powers?
A: Yeah. He's now a supervillain known as The Rubber Baron.
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I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery.
She was in charge of the hops.
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@lolwhat genius!
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@doctorjones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@lolwhat genius!
I can't take credit for that one. Cash only, please.
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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.
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@lolwhat
Also, a cheater, cuz there ain’t no way rabbit food turns into diarrhea.
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@izzion said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@lolwhat
Also, a cheater, cuz there ain’t no way rabbit food turns into diarrhea.Um, yes it can. Or so I've heard.
I guess that is close to shame emoji as I am going to get.
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@izzion said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@lolwhat
Also, a cheater, cuz there ain’t no way rabbit food turns into diarrhea.Why? Diarrhea is generally caused by a bacterial infection, which can happen regardless of the type of food you get. (In fact, certain parts of Mexico are rather infamous for contaminated vegetables causing severe diarrhea.)
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@izzion said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@lolwhat
Also, a cheater, cuz there ain’t no way rabbit food turns into diarrhea.Maybe not diarrhea in the usual medical sense, but some vegetarian food can give you Epic Unstoppable Poop, trust me.
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@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@izzion said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@lolwhat
Also, a cheater, cuz there ain’t no way rabbit food turns into diarrhea.Why? Diarrhea is generally caused by a bacterial infection, which can happen regardless of the type of food you get. (In fact, certain parts of Mexico are rather infamous for contaminated vegetables causing severe diarrhea.)
I finally collected the dots...I cannot eat Caesar dressing.
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@karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@izzion said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@lolwhat
Also, a cheater, cuz there ain’t no way rabbit food turns into diarrhea.Why? Diarrhea is generally caused by a bacterial infection, which can happen regardless of the type of food you get. (In fact, certain parts of Mexico are rather infamous for contaminated vegetables causing severe diarrhea.)
I finally collected the dots...I cannot eat Caesar dressing.
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@zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@izzion said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@lolwhat
Also, a cheater, cuz there ain’t no way rabbit food turns into diarrhea.Maybe not diarrhea in the usual medical sense, but some vegetarian food can give you Epic Unstoppable Poop, trust me.
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@karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I finally collected the dots...I cannot eat Caesar dressing.
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@karla Why would you? Blue cheese dressing is the best.
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@karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Um, yes it can. Or so I've heard.
I guess that is close to shame emoji as I am going to get.
How about adding this to your repertoire:
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An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, public house, inn, restaurant, club.
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@pie_flavor said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@karla Why would you? Blue cheese dressing is the best.
The best at inducing diarrhea?
Not for me. Vomiting, maybe, but not diarrhea; it never gets that far. Seriously, I cannot stand the taste of anything that gets its flavor from mold — blue cheese, salami, even brie; I love the creamy interior, but the "edible" rind, .
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
If you look close, you’ll catch the first of 10 puns.
He hoped to make the audience laugh with at least one of them, but no pun in ten did.
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How do you tell how heavy a chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
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Tell me some positive things about Switzerland.
Well, the flag’s a big plus.
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You don't get down off a mountain, you get down off a duck.
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Why do bicycles fall over when you try to stand them up on their own?
Because they're two tyred
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@pie_flavor said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@karla Why would you? Blue cheese dressing is the best.
Blue cheese is now my go to dressing.
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My friend David lost his ID the other day.
Now we just call him Dav.
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My dad keeps complaining about his job at the concrete plant, he says it keeps getting harder.
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Why do some couples refuse to go to the gym together?
Because some relationships just don't work out.
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I've been reading a book about anti gravity.
It's impossible to put down.