The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
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Why did the toilet paper jump off the building?
It wanted to get to the bottom.
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Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It's time consuming.
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Why are there so many female archaeologists?
Because women just love to dig up the fucking past.
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I once had a girlfriend who was always trying to put me down.
I guess that's one of the hazards of dating a veterinarian.
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Reading between the lines, you can learn @DoctorJones has bitten a random stranger once, very possibly a young child.
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Actual transcript of a conversation between me and the wife:
WTF is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
: I hate your stupid jokes.
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@DoctorJones taking notes
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Do you guys like my beer garden?
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Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?
He won the "no bell" prize.
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My plans for tomorrow are only to pick up my new prescription glasses. After that, I'll see what happens.
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Doctor: we had to remove your colon.
Me why?
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@Zecc Reminds me of another joke:
Employee phones his boss in the morning.
: I'm putting in sick leave today.
: Why, what's wrong?
: I have problems with my eyes.
: Your eyes?
: Yes, I can't see myself getting out of bed this morning.
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Back in the eighties, a bunch of people here who met on a local BBS used to get together at Peter Piper Pizza, Somewhere along the way, someone stuck a butter knife into the drywall at their booth, and it was left there between visits. If anyone ever tried to pull it out, they were asked if they thought they were worthy to draw out Excalibutter.
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If an Indian programmer divides by 0, is the result NaaN?
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@Gąska said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
If an Indian programmer divides by 0, is the result NaaN?
this is a common result for any sufficiently complex calculation implemented by the given clade
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Bouncer: sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Drunk: why's that?
Bouncer: I don't know who you are or what you're doing in my backyard, but now I'm going to have to wash your puke out of my trampoline.
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@DoctorJones That's not an over-easy egg, that's a fried egg. Wait. This makes the joke... even worse. @Tsaukpaetra can you be a little more specific about the specific relaxation center nearby?
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@Gribnit said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra can you be a little more specific about the specific relaxation center nearby?
Reservations only available upon request and require first-party acceptance. If you wish to file an exceptance, please enter the entrance in france while entranced in a dance wearing pants, a reluctance associate will perchance glance and condense your request.
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Gribnit said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra can you be a little more specific about the specific relaxation center nearby?
Reservations only available upon request and require first-party acceptance. If you wish to file an exceptance, please enter the entrance in france while entranced in a dance wearing pants, a reluctance associate will perchance glance and condense your request.
Finally, a clear answer in these parts.
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What do you call a person who is aroused by farewells?
A bye-sexual.
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
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A guy asked a girl in a university library:
“Do you mind if I sit beside you?”The girl replied with a loud voice:
“I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said:
“I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”The guy then responded with a loud voice:
“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy
whispered in her ear:
“I study law, and I know how to screw people”
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@boomzilla Definitely a joke in its own right, I'm not even sure this is bad. But what's most interesting here is the influence from the Luciana introduction scene in Catch-22.
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I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
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An SQL Query walks up to two tables.
Can I join you?
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My nephew asked me how to spell innuendo. I told him innuendo doesn't work if you have to spell it out.
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
My nephew asked me how to spell innuendo. I told him innuendo doesn't work if you have to spell it out.
It does work if you sound it out, though.
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I got fired from my previous job. They said I made a terrible "yes man". I could not agree more.
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I got fired from my previous job. They said I made a terrible "yes man". I could not agree more.
Were you able to get that in writing?
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Wait, that's a panel of speakers. Not a big panel, mind.
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Our local tailor was arrested yesterday for dealing drugs. I was shocked. I have been his customer for years. I never knew he was a tailor.
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@Gribnit said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Wait, that's a panel of speakers. Not a big panel, mind.
Nonsense, if it was a panel they'd be sitting at a table
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@hungrier Wood they really?
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Biden will never get my guns! You see, they're upstairs.
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@DoctorJones so, I got this really terrible joke. It was going to be a pun based on some common off-color euphemism, and I'd planned to simply sort of work backwards from the euphemism and fill in a situation or three then sort of anneal it down until it held together. But I forgot the euphemism I was gonna use in the first place.
This isn't a complicated surrealist joke-by-reference, this is a real problem I have right now.
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@Gribnit said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@DoctorJones so, I got this really terrible joke. It was going to be a pun based on some common off-color euphemism, and I'd planned to simply sort of work backwards from the euphemism and fill in a situation or three then sort of anneal it down until it held together. But I forgot the euphemism I was gonna use in the first place.
This isn't a complicated surrealist joke-by-reference, this is a real problem I have right now.
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@da-Doctah Is the broken image link intentional?
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@Benjamin-Hall said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@da-Doctah Is the broken image link intentional?
It's supposed to be this:
You must be blocked.
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@Tsaukpaetra I just get
****-**-**-**-**!
, dunno what's wrong
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@Gribnit, how’d you get my password???
(and why have you stopped using the enhanced variant of your avatar)