The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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Did you know the Devil wears a wig? But shhh... don't tell anyone. If word got out, there'd be hell toupee.
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@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Did you know the Devil wears a wig? But shhh... don't tell anyone. If word got out, there'd be hell toupee.
...and he lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
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From my daughters:
Knock knock!
Who's there?
The interrupting cow.
The interru...
Mooo!
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From the podcast Alice Isn't Dead (whose second season ends every show with a knock-knock joke):
Knock knock.
[left speaker] Who’s there?
[right] Interrupting cow.
[left] Interrupting cow who? Hello?
[right] Pastures cut through by water and windbreaks, but otherwise it’s unbroken grass for a long time now. But who said different was important or good? Who said we needed things to be (untedious)? Who are we to expect better from a world that isn’t? Who are we? Does anyone know? Has anyone checked on that? [exhales] OK.
[left] Are you still the-
[right] Moo.
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Just found this on Wikipedia, it's from the Beatle's first press conference in the USA:
Q: “Will you sing something?”
Lennon: “No, we need money first.”
Q: “What is the secret of your success?”
Starr: “We have a press agent.”
Q: “What do you think of the campaign in Detroit to stamp out the Beatles?”
McCartney: “We have a campaign to stamp out Detroit.”
Q: “What do you believe is the reason you are the most popular singing group today?”
Lennon: “We’ve no idea. If we did we’d get four long-haired boys, put them together, and become their managers.”
Q: “What do you do when you’re cooped up in a hotel room between shows?”
Harrison: “We ice-skate.”
Q: “How did you find America?”
Lennon: “We went to Greenland and made a left turn.”
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
A teenage guy comes home very sad. Father asks him what's wrong.
"Well I met this girl today. I liked her very much. I tried to ask her out, but she interrupted me with a series of questions: "Do you have a Rolex?" I had to admit I don't. "Do you drive a Mercedes" - "No" - "Do you have a three storey villa?" - "No". Then she said she doesn't want anything to do with me."
Father thinks about it a bit:
"All right.
If she doesn't appreciate your Piaget watch, I'll give you my old Rolex.
You can sell your Bentley and buy a couple Mercedes cars.
But I can tell you straight away: no woman on this earth is worth demolishing fourth and fifth floors of our house."I thought it should be different...
A guy tried to ask a girl out, but she interrupted him with a series of questions: "Do you have a Rolex?" He had to admit he didn't. "Do you drive a Mercedes" - "No" - "Do you have a three story villa?"
He had fallen into kind of a trance, but now he gathered himself and said, "No, my $6 million villa is 5 stories, I'm afraid. And this is a $35,000 Audemars Piguet watch. When I leave, my chauffeur will bring around my $250,000 Bentley. It's been great discovering your priorities. Good day."
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@CoyneTheDup said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Audemars Piguet
TIL there are both Piguet and Piaget watches. Fucking Swiss with their funny names.
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A guy is driving late at night through a bad neighbourhood and suddenly has a flat tire.
He gets out, gets the tire iron and starts changing the wheel.
Another guy comes along, sees him and asks him "Hey man, what are you doing?"
"Trying to take this wheel off, don't you see?"
"Then I guess I'll grab the radio" says the other guy smashing the window.
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What is so unpleasant about being drunk?
You ask a glass of water.
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A Volkswagen Golf drives past the police car. Suddenly a cop turns on the siren, springs out of the car, and pulls out the gun. The driver brakes hard, almost flying through the window, looks out terrified and asks "What's wrong, officer?"
"Oh, there's nothing wrong." The cop looks at the car musingly. "You see, I was thinking of buying a Golf but my buddy said they had very weak brakes."
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Volkswagen Golf drives past the police car.
Ok...
@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
springs out of the car, and pulls out the gun.
Well then you book it! If the cop is out of the car it would be more effective (in the short term) to simply keep driving than to immediately stop...
Am I missing something?
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The 2017 UK General Election
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@RaceProUK said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
The 2017 UK General Election
Wow, you elect your generals? That's a level of democracy I did not expect.
Filed under: if I get elected I promise to re-conquer the Canadian colonies and keep China British!
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My friend likes to brag he's got body of a Greek god.
One of these days I'll tell him Budda wasn't from Greece.
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@Mikael_Svahnberg said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@RaceProUK said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
The 2017 UK General Election
Wow, you elect your generals? That's a level of democracy I did not expect.
Generals and Majors!
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I'm combing my 4 yo's hair.
Mommy, is that a teasing comb?
No, I would never use a comb that would make fun of your hair.
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When they buried the guy who invented Tetris, the entire cemetery disappeared.
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I said back in The nerdy jokes thread (bonus original title mode!) nearly 3 years ago:
They had to rotate the coffin a bunch of times until they found a place it fit snugly, vertically.
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@accalia
Why is he called after pudding?
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Why is EA the worst video game company in America?
Because Ubisoft is in France.
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
My friend likes to brag he's got body of a Greek god.
One of these days I'll tell him Budda wasn't from Greece.Yeah, but Silenus was.
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In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for $1.25 a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.45 and an apple pie for $2.05
These are the Pie Rates of the CarribeanIn St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie is $1.50 a chicken pie with out the mushroom is $2.55 and a cherry pie is yours for $3.00
Now in Trinidad and Tobago a steak pie with no kidney will set you back $2.45 or $3.50 for 2. They also offer meat and potato pies for $2.75 or $4.00 for 2 and their apple pies sell for $3.00 or $3.25 for cherry pies or $5.00 for 2
Recent news reports suggest that Beyoncé's real father was Roy Castle.
Something tells me she won't be adopting his surname.
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There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are walking down a dark road, still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: Its logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down....
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My girlfriend left me because I am too insecure.
Oh, wait, no. She's back. Just went to the other room momentarily.
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Jesus and the Devil decided to see who was the best programmer. Both sat down at identical machines and began coding. About an hour into it, the power failed. The Devil cursed and spat and fumed, while Jesus sat cool and comfortable, waiting for the power to come back. When it did, the Devil had to start from scratch, but Jesus was done in only a few minutes.
Why?
Well, because Jesus Saves, of course.
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Islamic polygamy considered haremful.
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Mountains aren't just funny, they are hill areas.
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I've accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to all my friends and acquaintances.
Not only it was thoroughly embarrassing, I nearly went broke on all the envelopes and stamps.
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I've accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to all my friends and acquaintances.
Not only it was thoroughly embarrassing, I nearly went broke on all the envelopes and stamps.
BTDT, was supposed to be a Christmas card.
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"You are the girl of my dreams - beautiful, cheerful, great personality."
"You are just saying all that to get in my pants, aren't you?""Oh, and smart too."
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How many eye doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One or two....One...?
...or two?
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for @Kaelas
How many teens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two, but you need a pretty big lightbulb to fit them in.
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What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhœa?
One shucks between fits...
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Samuel L. Jackson has said:
I heard that you can do whatever you want in International Waters, that's why I filled my jacuzzi with International Water.
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A man was arrested yesterday after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.
He's due to be baled tomorrow.
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Q: How did the hipster burn his mouth?
A: He was eating pizza before it was cool.
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A clown held the door open for me this morning. That was a nice jester.
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True story: Last night at the grocery store, the girl at the cash register and the boy bagging the groceries were complaining about having to take two years of Spanish classes at their high school.
Sir, did you have to take Spanish in high school?
Yes, I actually took four years of Spanish in high school.
Wow, how much of it do you remember?
Nada.
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@nedfodder said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
True story: Last night at the grocery store, the girl at the cash register and the boy bagging the groceries were complaining about having to take two years of Spanish classes at their high school.
Sir, did you have to take Spanish in high school?
Yes, I actually took four years of Spanish in high school.
Wow, how much of it do you remember?
Nada.Same!
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@tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@nedfodder said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
True story: Last night at the grocery store, the girl at the cash register and the boy bagging the groceries were complaining about having to take two years of Spanish classes at their high school.
Sir, did you have to take Spanish in high school?
Yes, I actually took four years of Spanish in high school.
Wow, how much of it do you remember?
Nada.Same!
3 years in elementary school.
2 years junior high
4 years high school
4 semesters collegeI probably speak like your typical 4 yo spanish child when attempting to speak it.
In my 20s, I used it more and would speak better.
Ironically, many of my neighbors only speak spanish and probably are thinking:
Que lindo, la gringa este tratando hablar espanol, la pobre.
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@karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Que lindo, la gringa
esteestá tratando de hablar espanol, la pobrecita.FTFY
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@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Que lindo, la gringa
esteestá tratando de hablar espanol, la pobrecita.FTFY
"este" was a typo (and too lazy to accent it).
"de" um I did say 4 yo.
"la pobre" is slang in some regions.
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@karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
used it more and would speak better.
Definitely true. I lost a lot off French after high school but just saying screw it and using it professionally made me better. I will never be good at it like my girlfriend who is fluent but I manage. English feels more fluent ... French is an intellectual exercise.