The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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Relationships are a lot like algebra.You look at your X and think Y?
A lot like Algebra...or a cross study re: chromosomes in biology.
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.
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I said to a guy at work, "I wanted to drive a lorry when I was a kid".
"What happened?" he asked.
"I couldn't reach the pedals." I replied.
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A rather tasteless joke from my online course:
"The largest-scale failover test ever run, to my knowledge, is the one run by Al-Queda on September 11, 2001, against the US financial sector. It turned out that the systems recovered well, for the most part, but insufficient backup staff, availible in the proper locations, was the prime problem."
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That's... one way of looking at things.
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It's the way they tell them.
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But there's enough room in front of the driver's seat. Your trip might be short, though, depending on whether the vehicle had a clutch and you were able to operate it.
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Wife - "I didn't know that our house used to be haunted."
Me - "Nor me, are you sure?"
Wife - "Well there's a letter here saying it's being repossessed."
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This little piggy went to market;
This little piggy stayed home;
This little piggy had roast beef;
This little piggy had none;
This nerdy piggy cried "Wii! Wii! Wii! Wii!"
All the way home.
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This little piggy had roast beef
Is that what David Cameron calls his private parts these days?
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Excuses are like cakes.
Fat people are full of them.
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Our choir rehearses the song "Heaven Is A Wonderful Place". Every time we get to the second line, "filled with glory and grace", we have to grin. Except our most chubby members, Gloria and Grace.
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We got free tickets to a comedy show last Sunday. If I'd thought about it I could have recorded the show and kept this topic going for the next two weeks.
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That bad, huh?
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It was pretty bad. I mean, there were some funny bits, but the rest hovered between embarrassing and falling flat.
The only "joke" I remember was about the difference between visiting a strip club at night and visiting one during the day. At night you pass notes to beautiful women called Lexi and Crystal, during the day you throw coins at women called Bucket and something else....can't remember.
"Is this thing on?"
"Sadly, yes it is."
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How to open for Emo Philips...
(YELL) "I AM AN ASSHOLE WITH HERPES"
Then Emo gets on after that, I really think he should have abused the opener more, but, only milked it for a sidelong look which was pretty good.
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A guy with no arms has written several best selling books.
His book signings take forever.
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A guy with no arms has written several best selling books.
His book signings take forever.
Especially if people keep trying to engage him in conversation
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I'm leaving all my money to a plastic surgery charity.
I expect it'll raise a few eyebrows.
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Well, you know, there are still people who think "going upstairs for some coffee" involves drinking coffee, so I'm not surprised that people whoosh at that one.
When my (then) girlfriend asked me to go upstairs for some coffee, we had a nice time. But then she undressed herself and laid down on her bed. Of course I realized that she was tired, so I went home.
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Shame, that coffee would have kept her awake.
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@chozang said:
one women
I was recently watching a video of a Scottish comedian who apparently is quite popular in the U.K. (judging by the size of the audience). I noticed that he always said "women" when he meant "woman". I don't know if it's the accent or if Scotts just like to mispronounce words (when he said "bully" it sounded like "billy").
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@Spanky587 said:
Scotts just like to mispronounce words
My bet is on this.
And mine.
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And my axe!
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Just came up with this one I swear.
Why do programmers love Halloween?
[spoiler]Because they work with booleans.[/spoiler]
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...lean
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My coworkers immediately told me to sit back down after I told the joke.
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You probably would have confused them with octal/decimal gags.
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You were lucky. I think "get out" might have been more deserved
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I warned them that it was awful before I told it too.
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My coworkers immediately told me to sit back down after I told the joke.
One of my coworkers made a joke so bad this morning I told her to go to her room.
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Well, what was it? We're all waiting...
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Well, what was it? We're all waiting...
I don't remember. Dumb pun or something. probably a boolean joke.
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Why do programmers love Halloween?
[spoiler]Because they work with booleans.[/spoiler]
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YouDiscourse unspoilered it. Re-spoiler it
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Fixed.
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My mate has been complaining because he can't compress folders on his computer.
I told him to zip it.
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Did you know that you can't fold a piece of paper 8 times. It's a limitation of the compression effect on the fold(er)s.
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Why didn't the criminal rob the penny bank?
Because it was full of coppers.
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Jack: Suppose there are two web sites, and one leads to beautiful thoughtful sayings and pictures, and the other leads to a site that will give you a virus. There are two netizens you can ask a question of, but only one question, and only of one of them. How will you find out which site contains the virus?
Jill: Ask which site has the virus and, whichever site the netizen indicates, go to the other one.
Jack: No, wait, I said one netizen always lies and one tells the truth...
Jill: (cutting Jack off) and that's obviously a trick, because no one tells the truth on the web!
Jack: Well, say there were, and you really want to go to the beautiful...
Jill: (cuts Jack off again) and that's also a trick, because there are only crappy sites on the web! What kind of a stupid logic problem is this?
Jack: You're right, what was I thinking: there is no logic in the web.
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Talking about GW2, I think I've seen some dialog about "made in charrna", that's funny too.
See if I can find it after work hours...