The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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Two guys went hunting. Next day one of them comes back to the village carrying a dead boar on his back.
A neighbour who spots him asks "Hey, where's John? You left together, didn't you?"
"He felt sick on the way back, then about 2 kilometers back he fell on the ground and said he couldn't walk anymore."
"So you left him there and came back with the boar?" the neighbour is surprised.
"I couldn't carry them both and it's less likely that someone will steal John."
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"Hey dad, what's it like having a genius and handsome son?"
"I don't know kid, ask your grandpa."
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The wife comes home with a dozen bottles of beer, 6 bottles of wine, 4 bottles of whiskey and 2 loaves of bread.
Husband asks "Are we expecting guests?"
"No."
"Why the fuck so much bread then?"
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@hungrier said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I don't remember it, do we have another thread for stupid jokes?
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@obeselymorbid https://what.thedailywtf.com/topic/23356/the-unofficial-offical-bad-pun-of-the-day-thread/152
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@Rhywden said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@obeselymorbid https://what.thedailywtf.com/topic/23356/the-unofficial-offical-bad-pun-of-the-day-thread/152
Puns are a subcategory of jokes. I see no reason they should be excluded from this topic.
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
do we have another thread for stupid jokes?
https://what.thedailywtf.com/topic/16270/wtf-is-happening-with-windows-10-and-nothing-else
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A blonde is driving her car when she is stopped by a cop who also happens to be another blonde.
"May I see your driver's license please?"
"Huh, what is the driver's license?"
"It's like a small card with a picture of your face on it."
"Ah, I know what you mean" the driver says, looks in her purse and pulls out a pocket mirror.
The policewoman takes it, looks at it and exclaims "Oh, why didn't you say you are with the police too? Have a safe trip, officer!"
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What do you have, after your cat cried all night?
A hoarse pussy!
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I love how the Earth rotates on its own axis. It really makes my day.
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
From the early 70s, I have a mix tape of Bread, Cream, Raspberries and Vanilla Fudge.
The four food groups.
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The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence
Molly put up her hand and said, My father went to my grandad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.
The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate", not fascinating.Sally raised her hand. She said, My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.
The teacher said, Well that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the world "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.”The teacher sat down and cried.................
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They said a mask and gloves we're enough to go to the grocery store.
They lied, everyone else had clothes on.
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@Benjamin-Hall This needs an extra
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@JBert said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Benjamin-Hall This needs an extra
It's the kind of joke that sails right by and then swings around and wallops you.
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@Benjamin-Hall said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@JBert said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Benjamin-Hall This needs an extra
It's the kind of joke that sails right by and then swings around and wallops you.
Good comeback!
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Q: Do you know how to count to ten in Indian?
A: "One little, two little, three little...."
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@Mason_Wheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I actually gave one of my player group a two handed sword that healed for a little more than the damage it did. On average. With a bit of misfortune, you'd do a lot more damage than healing.
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@Carnage said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
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@Carnage Last time I've played a MUD, I had gotten stuck in a loop.
I was in the ground, nearly dying from environmental damage, but I also had healing powers which prevented me from dying. These balanced out, so I was neither dying nor recovering. Just... lying there, unable to get up.
No one was coming to help me (either way), so after some time just waiting it out, I decided the only way out of there was to commit and resume from the after-life. I was almost leveling up and this was going to cost me half my XP, but I really had no other choice. :(
So I typed "kill self", heavily sighed, and pressed Enter. I was invulnerable to my sword.
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These are the depths to which we've sunk in these dark times:
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I was walking with my husband at lunch:
I was talking with guys from work and we all agreed that if we were to get rich we should buy an island.
Buying an island isn't just normal rich. You need to be pedophile rich.
- I don't know if I should be proud or ashamed of you. You are definitely riding that line.
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@Karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
You need to be pedophile rich.
Does that automatically make you resistant to suicide?
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People keep saying I'm "a plagiarist".
Well, it's their words, not mine.
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@Luhmann said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
You need to be pedophile rich.
Does that automatically make you resistant to suicide?
Pretty much.
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