The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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Random thought: was Hitler a vegetarian because he didn't like the jus?
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So i said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis".
He said, "Oh right, the one with Adolf in?".
I said, "No mate, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis".
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@PleegWat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@HardwareGeek said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Gribnit said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Q: What's the font the pasta letters use in alphabet soup?
A: Times New Ramen.
Objection. That's a serif font.
Yes.
The real question is, if you put enough alphabet pasta in a line, will it contain the full text of hamlet?
No, you need to break a few eggs for that.
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@boomzilla I hadn't noticed the smaller “(ZIONIST)” in the middle before.
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"DEATH TO ALL JUICE! Wait, isn't juice also the tasty liquid I like to drink? I must clarify."
looks up zionist in the dictionary
puts it in parentheses on the sign
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
"DEATH TO ALL JUICE! Wait, isn't juice also the tasty liquid I like to drink? I must clarify."
looks up zionist in the dictionary
puts it in parentheses on the signI don't think you're giving him enough credit. He's against exports of all juice from Israel, primarily fig or date juice. So what he really means, but was abbreviating is, "Put an end to the juice industry in Israel."
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
"DEATH TO ALL JUICE! Wait, isn't juice also the tasty liquid I like to drink? I must clarify."
looks up zionist in the dictionary
puts it in triple parentheses on the sign
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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand.'
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My uncle is a never-ending font of horrible jokes.
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In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you $2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for $1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at $2.50, but you can buy two for $3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is $2.25, or two for $3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for $2, or two for $3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for $2.75, or two (any combination) for $4.75.
Those my friends are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
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@DoctorJones I've seen that before. It belongs in this category now just as much as it did the first time.
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@pie_flavor it still eludes me!
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An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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Why are you hurting my SOUL?
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@Mingan said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Why are you hurting my SOUL?
Now, this may be me being very German right now but, to quote @pie_flavor
What?
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@Rhywden Did you miss the military-grade pun in dcon's strip? 'No tern left unstoned' vs 'No stone left unturned' ?
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@Mingan said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Rhywden Did you miss the military-grade pun in dcon's strip? 'No tern left unstoned' vs 'No stone left unturned' ?
Hence it being in the bad jokes topic! (and not the official funny topic)
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@dcon Yes. But still. You hurt my feelz
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@Mingan said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Rhywden Did you miss the military-grade pun in dcon's strip? 'No tern left unstoned' vs 'No stone left unturned' ?
This is the bad jokes topic and you didn't directly reply to dcon's post (at least, NodeBB didn't mark it as such), so we mistook it for a very, very unclear joke.
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@Mingan said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Rhywden Did you miss the military-grade pun in dcon's strip? 'No tern left unstoned' vs 'No stone left unturned' ?
No, that one I did get. But as @JBert said: I wasn't sure where this was coming from.
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@Rhywden said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Mingan said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Rhywden Did you miss the military-grade pun in dcon's strip? 'No tern left unstoned' vs 'No stone left unturned' ?
No, that one I did get. But as @JBert said: I wasn't sure where this was coming from.
To the Thunderdome!
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@JBert said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
nd you didn't directly reply to dcon's post
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Overheard on slack a couple of days ago...
Can't believe that it's Pancake Day already, that's really creped up on us.
Flipping heck!
It's all gone a bit flat in here.
pancake jokes are coming in their shroves now
I can't believe these jokes aren't a bit batter
Offended! - Get Lent!
Note to self, don't make a "tossers" reference
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Q: How do you draw a belgian insane?
Put him in a round room and tell him there's a portion of fries in the corner
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@pie_flavor Whenever that happens I find my voice gets a little hoarse
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it's also usually accompanied by the trots
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although, intense sinus pain is usually the mane thing you're saddled with, but hay, it's not so bad.
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Enough of this you. Those bugs aren't going to write themselves.
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@DogsB said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Enough of this you. Those bugs aren't going to write themselves.
Stop being a neighsayer.
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Also ITYM
@DogsB said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:Rein it in you. Those bugs aren't going to write themselves.
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@loopback0 said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Also ITYM
@DogsB said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:Rein it in you. Those bugs aren't going to write themselves.
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@loopback0 said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Also ITYM
@DogsB said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:Rein it in you. Those bugs aren't going to write themselves.
Whoa there, don't go flogging a dead horse
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This thread is pure unbridled joy.
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@loopback0 "it looks like it's a problem with your blinkers"
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I was absolutely delighted when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was "outstanding", particularly since I can't even remember sending it in!
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The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
I was rather more expecting UW bashing, along the lines of
And the lawyer says, 'so if you're not helping any of them why should I be giving you any to waste?'
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A guy at a party needs to take a piss but the bathroom is occupied and he can't wait any more so he decides to just go outside and piss behind the house.
When he comes back inside his friend asks him "Wow, you are all wet. Is it raining?"
"No, it's windy".