The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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Probably the latter, so the comma gets removed.
Indeed. I wouldn't even mention it but it was confusing. And given that the second sentence would imply the meaning without the comma it really got me confused for a second there.
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A scotsman is visiting his friend in Canada. As they sit on the front porch enjoying a whisky a specimen the indigenous wildlife walks by.
"Oooch" says the scotsman. "Wha' is thaa'?!"
"That's a moose", says the canadian.
"Oooch! Then hoo big are yer cats areund heir then?!"
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Disclaimer: Neither of these jokes are mine
A German jumps into a river to save a dog from drowning.
"Are you a vet?" asks a passer-by.
"Avet‽" says the German. "I’m bloody zoaking!"
Noddy Holder is going back on the road with Slade and visits a 70s style clothes shop to get his stage costume together.
"So what will you need, Noddy?" asks the salesman.
"A pair of platform boots, a pair of flared trousers, a big glittery hat, and a shirt with a big collar," says Noddy.
"What about a kipper tie?" asks the assistant.
"Oh ta very much," says Noddy. "Milk and two sugars."
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Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "does this taste funny to you?
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A horse enters a bar and walks over to the bartender, the bartender looks at the horse and says, hey buddy, why the long face?
Same horse walks into another bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."
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Not mine, a former coworkers
What did one dog say to the other?
[spoiler]What's up dog.[/spoiler]
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Two cannibals sharing a meal.
"Are you enjoying this?"
"Oh yes, I'm having a ball."
"Ok, leave the other one for me."
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A termite walks into a bar and asks "where is the bar tender?"
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A drunk walks into a bar.
This must be up there by now, right? No, I'm not checking.
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A man walks into a bar.
Ouch.
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Two guys walk into a bar; the third one ducks.
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The fitness coach thinks Maybe I shouldn't have blindfolded them…
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And then the clown says: "I'm not paying you $15 each to talk!".
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What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?
Either peanut butter that never forgets or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
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The Pope, President of the United States, a coal miner and a little girl are all traveling by plane. As they're enjoying the trip, reading newspapers and drinking coffee, they hear an intercom come up.
"This is your captain speaking" - says the voice. - "We're currently on a collision course with the ground, our engines are down, and we have to evacuate. Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes on board, all of them in the overhead compartment to your left. We only have three minutes until impact, so please hurry and jump out".
Hearing this, the President stands up.
"I'm the President of the United States, the greatest economical and military power in the world! I cannot die here!" - he yells, rushes to the compartment, grabs a parachute and jumps out of the door before anyone can say anything.
The coal miner hesitates for a second, then walks to the compartment and grabs a parachute.
"Forgive me, Father, but... I have a family to feed. If I die, who knows what will happen to them?" - he says, then jumps out of the plane.
The little girl and the pope stand up from their seats and look at each other.
"Father, please take the parachute and jump." - says the little girl quietly.
"Nonsense!" - shouts the Pope. - "I'm a tired old man, my time on this Earth is coming to an end. You need to save yourself, girl."
"Father, please take the parachute and jump." - the girl says again.
"I can't do it. I can't. You have your whole life still in front of you, you can still do amazing things for the world and for God. It's my time. Save yourself."
"Father, please take the parachute and jump" - the girl says yet again. - "That dumb Yankee grabbed my backpack."
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Why is a laser beam like a goldfish?
[spoiler]Because neither one of them can whistle.[/spoiler]
"Always funny, Manny."
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"This is your captain speaking" - says the voice. - "We're currently on a collision course with the ground, our engines are down, and we have to evacuate.
Pft. A real captain can fly a reasonable approximation to an ILS glideslope in an outsized ersatz glider -- the FPA for Sully's splashdown in the Hudson was 3.4°, and that was without much airspeed or altitude to play with (NTSB AAR-10-03, p.48/PDF p.65). For an "enjoying the trip, reading newspapers, and drinking coffee" scenario, you're at cruse airspeed and altitude or nearly so, and that's much more energy to turn into landing options and flight path control.
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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
[spoiler]
Hell if I know! (sounds like elephino)
[/spoiler]
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Reminded me of this one (Google found it here as I couldn't recall the whole thing on my own):
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
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How do you get down from an elephant?
[spoiler] You don't get down from an elephant. You get down from a duck. [/spoiler]
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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
[spoiler]Wiped his arse[/spoiler]
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A man wearing nothing but a trenchcoat comes up to two old ladies sitting in a park bench and exposes himself.
The first old lady has a stroke. The second old lady isn't fast enough.
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I bought my wife a fridge for her birthday. You should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
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What's ET short for?
[spoiler]Cos he's only got little legs.[/spoiler]
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Why do ducks have webbed feet?
[spoiler]To stamp out forest fires.[/spoiler]
Why do elephants have flat feet?
[spoiler]To stamp out flaming ducks.[/spoiler]
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What lullaby did Peter The Great sing to put his son to sleep?
[spoiler] Twinkle Twinkle Little Tsar [/spoiler]
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Why do elephants have big ears?
[spoiler]Noddy won't pay the ransom[/spoiler]
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What does that even mean?
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
My son was telling this joke to some friends yesterday (all 7-10 years old). None of them understood it, including my son, until I explained the spelling.
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Ah. Well, that was pretty inside baseball.
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What is "noddy"?
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What is "noddy"?
Keep reading. It's a character in some British children's book. There's also a cop and an character named big ears. You're supposed to assume that some elephant kidnapped it.
As I said later, kind of inside baseball.
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Now explain the phrase "kind of inside baseball".
Explain your gibberish with more gibberish!
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Now explain the phrase "kind of inside baseball".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inside_baseball_(metaphor)
Who's heard the term "inside baseball" before?
[poll]- me
- me, and I'm not an American
- not me
[/poll]
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Oh, look, they moved the count to the other side of the poll instead of fixing bugs!
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...It doesn't mean what I thought it meant. I'd been under the assumption it was another way of saying "inside joke".
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It doesn't mean what I thought it meant.
I guess my poll wasn't inclusive enough. I hope I didn't trigger anyone.
I thought it was more well-known than the poll, in all 5 minutes it's been up, would suggest.
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That's why I ask.
Baseball is American, I'm American, but I've never once heard that term before.
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Baseball is American, I'm American, but I've never once heard that term before.
Fair enough, apparently. (Did you vote?) I've known the term for many years, I thought, like I said, it was more commonly known.
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Baseball is American, I'm American, but I've never once heard that term before.
It's pretty common.
I've known the term for many years, I thought, like I said, it was more commonly known.
I think it probably is.
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I don't vote. Fuck Discourse.
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I don't vote. Fuck Discourse.
THEN DON'T
BITCHCOMPLAIN WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A SAY IN...oh, wait.Also, INB4 "that joke's not funny any more".
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Apparently the guy who wrote Breaking Bad was surprised to learn that nobody knew what "breaking bad" meant.
Anyway, there's a lot of regional variation in the US. I don't speak your southern drawl redneck language.
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nobody knew what "breaking bad" meant.
....Breaking bad is a term outside the show? TIL.
"Inside baseball" is something the radio host says on my morning show, but I've never heard it otherwise. I grew up on the West Coast, moved to North Carolina, and then live in the Great Lakes region now, so it's probably a Northeast thing?
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In southern drawl redneck language apparently.
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Anyway, there's a lot of regional variation in the US. I don't speak your southern drawl redneck language.
I'm from New England, you insensitive clod!
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Apparently the guy who wrote Breaking Bad was surprised to learn that nobody knew what "breaking bad" meant.
Is related to "Electric Bugaloo II" ??
Srsly - a definition for those of us perishing in the dark depths of our ignorance...?