The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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Over the last few weeks I’ve been feeling miserable and depressed, but I’ve managed to turn it all around, and now I’m depressed and miserable.
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@pjh I fucking love this thread
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A married couple have put their kids to sleep and are watching a reality show about infidelity and paternity tests.
The husband thinks "I wonder if I have any other kids out there."
The wife takes a peek at her husband and thinks "I wonder, does he have any kids at all."
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"What does your wife say when she wants sex?"
"She says she wants sex."
"What do you say when you want sex?"
"I say I'll be home late because I have a lot of work in the office."
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Those before and after photos of fat people are always a great inspiration.
They are proof that it's never too late to start losing weight so you can still eat that pizza now.
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A guy walks into his office with a huge black eye one morning.
His colleague asks him "Wow, what happened there?"
"My wife really doesn't handle criticism about her grammar well.
Last night I came home and she was all like 'Baby, come here, we haven't had sex in so long.'
I barely managed to say 'Well, first of all, it's I not we'."
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A friend of mine thinks she's a great botanology writer.
But the truth is she doesn't even know how dinkel wheat is spelt.
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A doctor comes into the patient's room: "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. You are dying."
"How long do I have?"
"Ten..."
"Ten what? Months? Weeks?"
"Nine. Eight. Seven. Six..."
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A perfect woman must be able to do 70 things.
Cooking and 69.
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A spy agency is recruiting for a new position. There are three candidates left before the final test.
Each candidate is separately told by the interviewer that the job will require them to trust the intelligence of the agency, be prepared to obey the orders from superiors and make tough decisions.
"This next test will verify whether you are capable of those things". The interviewer then gives the candidate a gun and says "I can't give you any more details at this moment, but behind this door is your wife. You must go in there and shoot her. I'll explain why after you're done."The first guy declines straight away.
The second one is hesitating. He goes inside, but then runs out saying "I just can't do it."The third guy is given a gun, goes into the room. After a few seconds his interviewer hears several shots, then some other noise. Finally the candidate emerges outside all covered in blood.
"What kind of operation are you running here? You've given me a gun with blanks! I had to kill her with a chair."
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As part of a diversity hiring program a big company is forced to hire a few of recently arrived immigrants from a cannibalistic tribe.
"Just so we are clear on this, there will be strictly no eating of colleagues" hiring manager says and new employees agree.Some time later CEO walks up to them and says "We are really satisfied with your work. However as you probably noticed the whole office is messy today. The cleaning woman went missing yesterday. You wouldn't happen to know anything about it?"
Everyone swears they don't know anything.CEO goes away, and one of the new employees asks "OK, who ate her?"
One guy admits he did it.
"Moron! We've been eating marketers, brand managers, media relations specialists for months now and nobody even noticed but you had to eat a damn cleaning lady?"
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Two women are discussing their love life.
"Why did you break up with your ex?"
"Would you stay with someone who is constantly drunk, smokes a lot, fights with you every day and cheats on you?"
"No, I wouldn't!"
"Well, neither would he."
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"My neighbour turned out to be a vampire."
"Wow. How did you find out?"
"I put a stake through his heart and he died."
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Mountain ranges aren't funny.
They're hill areas.
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I can understand bicycles. They're pretty simple.
I have no problem understanding boats.
I even have a pretty good grasp of cars .
But airplanes go completely over my head.
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@zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I can understand bicycles. They're pretty simple.
I have no problem understanding boats.
I even have a pretty good grasp of cars .
But airplanes go completely over my head.
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mc@hammer: ~ $ ls file.txt mc@hammer: ~ $ touch this touch: cannot touch 'this': Permission denied mc@hammer: ~ $ sudo !! [sudo] password for mc: ********** mc@hammer: ~ $ ls file.txt This
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The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
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@masonwheeler said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I would have pegged him for too many cherry stems knotted.
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When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
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@obeselymorbid I think you meant to post that in The Naughty Jokes topic...
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@pjh
Is my mother-in-law texting jokes to you too
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Here's her most recent one:
Did you know Kate Moss has a brother who is surprisingly down to earth? His name is Pete. Have a great day.
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Saw an ad that said "Radio for sale. Volume dial broken, stuck on full."
I thought "I can't turn that down."
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@pjh IDGI
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Why did the chicken cross the road? 🐔🐔🐔
Unfortunately, due to new GDPR regulations, I require explicit consent to tell you the punchline.Edit: @downvoter, fuck you very much.
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@doctorjones
“Do you know any good GDPR consultants?”
“Yes.”
“Can I get their contact information?”
“No”
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New from M-in-Law:
What position did Kool-Aid man play in baseball? Relief pitcher, oh yeah! Have a good weekend.
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"Can I buy you a drink?"
"I have a boyfriend."
Anxiously counting coins in the pocket: "Okay, but only if he gets something inexpensive."
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My musician friend asked me if I could hold her french horn without making a fuss of it, but I blew it.
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A gorilla has become depressed in a zoo. Her caretakers try to cheer her up to no avail.
They call a vet and he explains that the gorilla has certain personal needs that have to be taken care of. So they look for a male gorilla but none can be found in nearby zoos.As the gorilla becomes even sadder the vet says "You know, gorillas are anatomically pretty close to humans. Maybe for a certain amount of money you could find someone willing to do it."
The zoo owner asks gorilla's caretakers but none of them want to.
"Try asking the janitor. He's pretty weird and might be up to it" one suggests.So the owner goes up to the janitor and says "Would you be willing to fuck a gorilla for a thousand bucks?"
The janitor replies "I have to think about it."He comes back to the owner half an hour later and says "I had to borrow some, but here's 600. I'll give you the rest from my next salary."
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"If the dean doesn't take his words back I won't return to the university."
"What did he say to you?"
"You are expelled!"
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A girl is complaining to her friend:
"Men are such pigs. Just this morning some drunk guy offered to suck him off in exchange for this here necklace."
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A guy comes back from a business trip to England with heaps of money.
His colleagues ask him where he got it.
"One evening I went to a club where they played cards.
I joined a table, and at first I lost heavily but then after one hand a guy says "Blackjack" and starts collecting the chips.
I ask him "Show it!" but everyone responds "Please, we are all gentlemen here."
Then I got my lucky streak."
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@boner I don't get this one and I don't get the one before.
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@karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@boner I don't get this one and I don't get the one before.
The one before obviously relied on having a gentleman's code of honour which didn't actually require showing the cards. Which a not-gentleman can obviously exploit...
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@rhywden said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@boner I don't get this one and I don't get the one before.
The one before obviously relied on having a gentleman's code of honour which didn't actually require showing the cards. Which a not-gentleman can obviously exploit...
I guess I've never played that version of Blackjack.
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@karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I don't get this one
Me neither.
@karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
and I don't get the one before.
The British people said "it's a gentleman's game, we don't need to verify cards" so the guy on vacation cheated his ass off by lying about what cards he had.
@boner said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Ram Jam - Black Betty (Audio) – 03:59
Ok assume I've never heard that song before, is "Bambi Lamb" supposed to sound like "Ram Jam"? Because it doesn't.
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@blakeyrat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Ok assume I've never heard that song before, is "Bambi Lamb" supposed to sound like "Ram Jam"? Because it doesn't.
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@rhywden Ok so basically, lesson learned: never trust a joke from a librarian.
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@blakeyrat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@rhywden Ok so basically, lesson learned: never trust a joke from a librarian.
Ook!
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@blakeyrat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Ok assume I've never heard that song before, is "Bambi Lamb" supposed to sound like "Ram Jam"? Because it doesn't.
Of course the group name doesn't sound like that, "bambi lamb" is supposed to be a mondegreen - which is all about misheard lyrics.
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@blakeyrat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I don't get this one
Me neither.
and 985 of them are asking "do you have any idea what this is supposed to mean?"
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@karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@boner I don't get this one