The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase..."
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+ʅ
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I was really enjoying my holiday in France this year, sampling some great culture and wonderful food and drink.
It was okay until I ordered a beer in a roadside bar, had a swig and gagged.
I said to the barman, "What the fuck is this?"
He replied, "Fosters."
I took it outside and threw it into the road.
I'd just like to say sorry to the bloke on the bike with the yellow shirt I accidentally soaked.
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My English teacher recently broke up with his wife because she thought he spent more time reading books than he did with her.
But he did always say "Prose before hoes".
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A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
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I don't trust new cafes.
They fill me with uncertain tea.
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At the lottery, I won a star map of the night sky.
It was a constellation prize.
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Last night I found out my wife used my credit card to buy £600 Armani sunglasses.
Oh well, let's just say I gave her a good reason to wear them today.
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2 drunk guys are walking home from the bar, when they come across a set of tracks. The first guy says: "This...looks like...lion tracks.". The second guy says: "No, these are definitely...deer tracks". They were still arguing when the train hit them.
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It's such a shame when someone dies of a drug overdose in the bath when all they were trying to do was get clean.
<INB4 too soon
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My nose is something like a TARDIS.
It's booger on the inside.
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What drives people to terrorism?
[spoiler]Usually a 12 year old Transit van packed to the fucking roof with explosives.[/spoiler]
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My grandad saw me texting on my phone.
"Young people these days!" he moaned. "Nobody talks face to face any more."
I said, "It's called 'Technology' grandad. It evolves, times change."
"It's just an excuse to be lazy," he added.
"It sure is," I replied, staring at his mobility scooter.
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
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Facebook strikes again (kind of):
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Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet. -
My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort. -
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, they're efficient and not very funny. -
What do you call a dog with no legs.
It doesn't matter; it's not going to come. -
Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.
You have my Word. -
What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table. -
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard. -
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints. -
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers. -
We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans. -
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!" -
A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.
The bartender gave it to her. -
Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism. -
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work. -
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey. -
To the handicapped guy who stole my bag -
You can hide but you can't run. -
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish. -
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster. -
Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheberg. -
Someone stole my mood ring,
I don't know how I feel about that. -
I tried to catch fog yesterday,
Mist. -
The first rule of Alzheimer's club,
Is don't talk about chess club. -
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan. -
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Source: http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/the-25-best-two-line-jokes-ever
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- can be written as "Because cow have no horns".
Although people commonly address them as "cow" regardless of gender, I've got impression that when people say "cow" they're referring to the female type. For males they'd call them "ox".
EDIT: I wrote "15" + ".", and got "1" and "." in the end only, where does the other characters go?
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There's a tutorial somewhere, but:
15.
Source:
15\.
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Emmm... strange. It's not shown in the original post even if I clicked "raw source".
Something about different handling of pasted content?
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Should have done each in a separate post. Would have got 22 more likes from me.
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Discourse assumes that you wanted to make a numbered list but you cannot count properly so it helps you out.
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I pee in the shower:
[spoiler][/spoiler]
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Now it make sense (or not).
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15. can be written as "Because cow have no horns".
Although people commonly address them as "cow" regardless of gender
So you think cows don't have horns, do you? Well, let me know what you think after you get gored by a cow.
The Texas Longhorn is a breed of cattle known for its characteristic horns, which can extend to 7 ft (2.1 m) tip to tip **for steers and exceptional cows**, and 36 to 80 in (0.91 to 2.03 m) tip to tip for bulls.[[1]]
Horns are common on both males and females, especially in dairy breeds.[[2]]
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Emmm... strange. It's not shown in the original post even if I clicked "raw source".
Something about different handling of pasted content?
That's because the original post had 14 other items before it got to number 15.
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Filed under: Perpetuating harmful gender stereotypes
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Workday: getting up at 7, waking up around noon.
On vacation: waking up at 7, getting up around noon.
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Why do only 99.9% of dentists recommend a toothpaste?
The last 0.1% is too busy stalking lions.
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That's great, but the famous commercial quote is "4 out of 5 dentists". The joke is about the 5th dentist.
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The joke is shamelessly stolen from British site, and I am neither in US nor UK but around here the quote is usually used with percentages. I personally have seen it in ranges from 95 to 98 but I wouldn't be a tiny bit surprised if at least one toothpaste used 99.9 figure.
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I wouldn't be a tiny bit surprised if at least one toothpaste used 99.9 figure.
I would. They'd need to a really big survey to be able to use that figure, and that would cost money.
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You could mostly honestly claim 99.9 after surveying 667 people1. So that's 667 surveys and 666 bribes. I don't know, probably would cost a bit of money.
1 I hope my Maths are right: (1 − 0.9985) * x = 1
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You can do the 4 out of 5 survey at a typical cocktail party.
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Fucking hell, Blakey.
OK, you are right. Can we move on?
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There were two little girls sitting on the roof, one of them good and the other evil. Both were throwing bricks onto passers-by.
The evil girl hit 3 people, but the good one – 5.
[spoiler]Because good always wins over evil.[/spoiler]
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What if those birds gave them voluntarily?
Also: 200lbs of bricks you might be able to dodge, but the lbs / in² would be high if you failed. Conversely, dodging the feathers may be more difficult, but the lbs / in² would be lower (subject to any container [if any] used).
On a related topic: Did you hear about the guy that walked under a falling brick? It missed his ear by 3" - [spoiler]It landed smack in the middle of his head.[/spoiler]
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"Fuck these flying ants!" I said to my wife as I walked in from the garden,
"With what you've got, you probably could," she sneered.
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You could mostly honestly claim 99.9 after surveying 667 people1. So that's 667 surveys and 666 bribes. I don't know, probably would cost a bit of money.
1 I hope my Maths are right: (1 − 0.9985) * x = 1
You can honestly claim 99.9% after reading it in any news article, or anything that could loosely be described as a news article. No miserable statistics required.
In fact, you can create your own proof for the 99.9% figure: a common way of handling that is to "drop" the 99.9% figure to a reporter during an interview, then when it makes it into the resulting news article, you can quote the article as "factual proof."
(But actually doing that is a bad joke.)
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@obeselymorbid said:
You could mostly honestly claim 99.9 after surveying 667 people1. So that's 667 surveys and 666 bribes. I don't know, probably would cost a bit of money.
1 I hope my Maths are right: (1 − 0.9985) * x = 1
You can honestly claim 99.9% after reading it in any news article, or anything that could loosely be described as a news article. No miserable statistics required.
In fact, you can create your own proof for the 99.9% figure: a common way of handling that is to "drop" the 99.9% figure to a reporter during an interview, then when it makes it into the resulting news article, you can quote the article as "factual proof."
(But actually doing that is a bad joke.)
I thought we were talking about shooting lions with bows and arrows, not overthrowing middle east despots.
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I thought we were talking about shooting lions with bows and arrows, not overthrowing middle east despots
I'm all for shooting a lion if the lion is armed with a bow and arrow.
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I'm all for shooting a lion if the lion is armed with a bow and arrow.
Reminds me of "don't hit a man with eyeglasses, hit him with your fist".
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Why did the one handed man cross the street?
[spoiler]To get to the second hand store.[/spoiler]What is the Cheshire Cat's favourite drink?
[spoiler]Evaporated milk[/spoiler]Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
[spoiler]She has outgrown B-shells.[/spoiler]
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In the UK 99.9% is often advertising speak for 100%. As they cannot claim 100% because we have "strict" advertising rules here. This also means that somewhere (when the claim a survey) they have to display the actual figures. It also goes without saying, that the data has to be available so I suspect that they may survey 1000 "things" then use a slider to "select" a smaller population subset that gives the desired results.
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When we first started dating, my girlfriend told me to "never change".
Now she's leaving me because I'm "dirty" and I "smell terrible".
I think she needs to make up her mind.
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Wanted for a celebrity funeral: anyone who has a harp
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