To dial an outside number...



  • <FONT size=2>

    I work on a military base. A few minutes ago our group got an email from the boss saying that the Network Enterprise Center had just changed the prefix number for dialing long distance without telling anyone. That means a couple of thousand people couldn't dial long distance. This IS the military and some of those calls can be REALLY important and time can be of the essence.

    The boss had been trying to call into an important conference call but couldn't get through. He called the operator for some help. She couldn't dial out either. She called the main phone support office and they told her of the change. She even works for them!  Apparently, she read them the riot act. A few minutes later an email from the command came down to everyone with instructions on how to dial long distance. The message pointed out exactly who was responsible for the little error.  They normally don't do that.

    This group is not known for their customer support even though that's part of their name.

    </FONT>


  •  You know, the American military would really be an unstoppable force capable of striking terror into the hearts of our enemies if we could just figure out how to direct all the beauracracy against our opponents.



  • @bstorer said:

     You know, the American military would really be an unstoppable force capable of striking terror into the hearts of our enemies if we could just figure out how to direct all the beauracracy against our opponents.

    Oh, you want to attack us? Sure. Just file Form BX-099X in triplicate with the Enemy Maneuvers Office, which is open 3-5 AM on alternate Saturdays. Allow 6-8 weeks.



  • @toth said:

    @bstorer said:

     You know, the American military would really be an unstoppable force capable of striking terror into the hearts of our enemies if we could just figure out how to direct all the beauracracy against our opponents.

    Oh, you want to attack us? Sure. Just file Form BX-099X in triplicate with the Enemy Maneuvers Office, which is open 3-5 AM on alternate Saturdays. Allow 6-8 weeks.

    "Hello and welcome to the United States Military Customer Service Line.  To better assist you, please give me your thirty-seven digit account number."

    "A320007110CZ3487481192354XT490K01157B"

    "Thank you.  Just a moment while I look up your account...  Did you say  A320007110CZ3487481192354XT490K01157T?  If this is your account, say 'yes.'  Otherwise, say 'no.'"

    "No."

    "I'm sorry.   To better assist you, please give me your thirty-seven digit account
    number."

    "A320007110CZ3487481192354XT490K01157B"

    "Thank you.  Just a moment while I look up your account...  Did you say 
    A320007110CZ3487481192354XT490K01157B?  If this is your account, say
    'yes.'  Otherwise, say 'no.'"

    "Yes."

    "Thank you.  How can I be of assistance today?  To take credit for a terrorist attack, say 'credit.'  To complain about collateral damage resulting loss of life or property, say 'collateral damage resulting in loss of life or property.'  To declare a jihad, say 'jihad.'  To --"

    "Jihad."

    "Did you say 'free cod'?"

    "No."

    "Okay.  One moment please, I'm transferring you...  Hello and welcome to the United States Military Free Cod Support Line.  All of our operators are currently busy, but your call will be handled in the order it was received.  Your opposition is very important to us."

    "No"

    "..."

    "Go back."

    "All of our operators are currently busy, but your call will be handled
    in the order it was received.  Your opposition is very important to us."

    hangs up in frustration and declares jihad against France instead



  • @bstorer said:

     You know, the American military would really be an unstoppable force capable of striking terror into the hearts of our enemies if we could just figure out how to direct all the beauracracy against our opponents.


    http://volokh.com/2010/06/01/sabotage-or-how-dilbert-won-the-war/



  • @bstorer said:

    hangs up in frustration and declares jihad against France instead

    "Bonjour.  You have reached the French Boys Choir-slash-Armed Forces Customer Service Line.  All of our operators are currently on mandatory three-month paid vacation.  Select from the following le menu choices:  If your country is undergoing a violent revolution or genocidal purge and you would like UN-attached French forces to stand around impotently smoking cigarettes while your family is slaughtered, press un.  If you are a Muslim Jihadist wanting to stage violent, car-burning, yet ineffectual riots, press deux.  If you are a native of a South Pacific island who is concerned with the abnormally low levels of nuclear radiation present in your tropical paradise, and would like the French Army to do something about it, press trois.  If you are a guerilla terrorist force intent on challenging French authority anywhere outside of France, press quatre.  If you are an ally that spent great blood and treasure liberating France during World Wars I and II, and now would like assistance keeping the peace in the shithole third-world countries created by 19th century French imperialism, you may as well hang up now."

    presses four

    "Bonjour.  You have reached the French Boys Choir-slash-Armed Forces Automated Surrender Line.  If you are a rival boys choir wishing to challenge the exceptional Boys Choir to a choir-off, press un.  If you are a rival boys acrobat troupe wishing to challenge the exceptional funambulists of the Gendarmerie Nationale to a tight-rope-walking competition, press deux.  If you are a rival military or terrorist force wishing to challenge the exceptional French Armed Forces to combat, press trois."

    presses three

    "The French Boys Choir-slash-Armed Forces Automated Surrender Line is currently taking a long lunch.  This will most likely be followed up with wine drinking, a walk through the park, an impassioned rendezvous in a Parisian flat with the Automated Surrender Line's mistress, more wine drinking and possibly a bit of cinema.  If you still insist on trying to reach the Automated Surrender Line, try back sometime next week.  Adieu."

    hangs up in frustration and declares Jihad on the Netherlands instead



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    hangs up in frustration and declares Jihad on the Netherlands instead
     

    Goedendag. You have dialed the number to the Dutch Rijkswinkel. At this moment, the government is busy campaigning for the upcoming early elections due to parliamental collapse. Please try again next month. We will be available on workdays from 9:30-12:30, and 13:00-17:00. Excuses voor het ongemak.

    Due to reduced demands as a result of a recently published lower risk of terrorist attacks, the department of Jihad Inquiries will be shut down permanently. If you have any Jihad-related matters still unsettled, you may be eligible to obtain a subsidy up to 70% of the last-received loot, by filling out the form available from your local Gemeentewinkel, or download the application from the website, http://www.toeslagen.nl. Don't forget you will require your Digid identification to submit the request from the toeslagen application.

    Prettige dag.

    This is an automated message and will repeat in three seconds.

     

    ...

     

    Goedendag. You have dialed the number...

     

    hangs up in bewilderment and declares Jihad on Canada instead 



  •  We did exactly that during World War II. We actually instructed agents embedded in the German military and industry how to use bureaucracy to destroy production.  These are our best ideas on how to ruin productivity, from the OSS' declassified field manual on sabotage:

    Organizations and Conferences:
    Insist on doing everything through “channels.”  Never permit
    short-cuts to be taken in order to expedite decisions.
    When possible, refer all matters to committees, for “further study
    and consideration.”  Attempt to make the committees as large as
    possible–never less than five.
    Bring up irrelevant issues as frequently as possible.
    Haggle over precise wordings of communications, minutes,
    resolutions.
    Refer back to matters decided upon at the last meeting and attempt
    to re-open the question of the advisability of that decision.
    Advocate caution.  Be reasonable and urge your fellow-conferees
    to be "reasonable" and avoid haste which might result in embarrassments
    or difficulties later on.
    Be worried about the propriety of any decision – raise the question of
    whether such action as is contemplated lies within the jurisdiction of
    the group or whether it might conflict with the policy of some higher
    echelon.

    Managers and Supervisors:
    Demand written orders.
    Insist on perfect work in relatively unimportant products; send back
    for refinishing those which have the least flaw. . . .
    To lower morale and with it, production, be pleasant to inefficient
    workers; give them undeserved promotions. Discriminate against
    efficient workers; complain unjustly about their work.
    Hold conferences when there is more critical work to be done.
    Multiply paper work in plausible ways. Start duplicate files.
    Multiply the procedures and clearances involved in issuing
    instructions, pay checks, and so on. See that three people have to
    approve everything where one would do.
    Apply all regulations to the last letter.

     

    Employees:
    Work slowly
    Act stupid
    Cry and sob hysterically at every occasion
    Be as irritable and quarrelsome as possible without getting yourself into trouble.

    http://svn.cacert.org/CAcert/CAcert_Inc/Board/oss/OSS_Simple_Sabotage_Manual.pdf



  • @dhromed said:

    hangs up in bewilderment and declares Jihad on Canada instead

    Bonjour pour la service en Francais, dit un.

    ... 20 second pause ...

    Welcome to the Canadian Forces helpline. If you are currently interested in liberating Quebec say "two". If you are in need of UN-forces assistance please fill in forms UNFSR-003, UNFSR-007 UNFSR-942bh, submit them to the nearest Canadian Forces branch, CIS and UN headquarters respectively, the say "three". If you are interested in declaring war on Canada please say "two". If you are a local terrorist seeking entrance to the United States of America, please say "five".



    "Four"



    We are sorry, that isn't a valid option



    "Two"



    We are sorry that isn't a valid option


    • Presses 4



      We are sorry that isn't a valid option


    • Presses 2



      Bonjour, bien venu a la service de la seperation du Quebec. Vous allez assitez, nous, La Liberation Fronte de la BLOC Quebecois. Pour l'assistance en Englais commence en feu dans la centre de ton maison. Si vous allez aide nous, tu peu nous donne toute ton ammunition, et armaments, donne nous un 20% taxe et changez ton national langue a la Francais. Nous va jamais accept un notre option, et nous vas toujours refuse de returne l'assistance. Au revoir!


    • Hangs up in confusion and declares jihad on Russia instead


  •  From the thread title I was expecting the outside line code to be given, and it to be something easy to remember like "0118 999 881 999 119 725 3".

    @SteamBoat said:

    The message pointed out exactly who was responsible for the little error.

    The operator who alerted them? 🙂

     



  • Welcome Comrade, to the Mother Russia Forces Helpdesk. How may we help you? Please speak after the sound of man clearing his throat.

    hrrrxxx

     "I want to declare Jihad"

     In Soviet Russia, Jihad is now declared on you. Our nearest KGB-operative will be dealing with you shortly. Have a nice day, today's recommended food for the working comrades is kalafkalsch.

    hangs up re-dial

    The number you are calling is not available due to infrastucture and power-outtakes. Please call again after a politic meltdown. 

    decides to declade jihad on germany instead



  •  @fire2k said:

    decides to declade jihad on germany instead

     Germany comes over and actually kicks your ass. The end.



  • @NickAragua said:

    @fire2k said:

    decides to declade jihad on germany instead

    Germany comes over and actually kicks your ass. The end.

    Doubtful.  Germans are the most peaceful people on Earth.  They'd never be able to raise an army.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @NickAragua said:

    @fire2k said:

    decides to declade jihad on germany instead

    Germany comes over and actually kicks your ass. The end.

    Doubtful.  Germans are the most peaceful people on Earth.  They'd never be able to raise an army.

    And besides, we've built this really big line of forts and machine gun nests across the entire border to keep them out.



  • @bstorer said:

    @morbiuswilters said:

    @NickAragua said:

    @fire2k said:

    decides to declade jihad on germany instead

    Germany comes over and actually kicks your ass. The end.

    Doubtful.  Germans are the most peaceful people on Earth.  They'd never be able to raise an army.

    And besides, we've built this really big line of forts and machine gun nests across the entire border to keep them out.

    Ah, very good.  Let us retire to a historical, picturesque city deep inland which will be utterly safe even though it is curiously devoid of anti-aircraft batteries.



  • @fire2k said:

    "I want to declare Jihad"

    In Soviet Russia, Jihad is now declared on you.

    So you made a phone call to the past?



  • @belgariontheking said:

    @fire2k said:

    "I want to declare Jihad"

    In Soviet Russia, Jihad is now declared on you.

    So you made a phone call to the past?

    Which leads us naturally to the question: did the terrorist decide to declare Jihad against East or West Germany?



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @bstorer said:

    @morbiuswilters said:

    @NickAragua said:

    @fire2k said:

    decides to declade jihad on germany instead

    Germany comes over and actually kicks your ass. The end.

    Doubtful.  Germans are the most peaceful people on Earth.  They'd never be able to raise an army.

    And besides, we've built this really big line of forts and machine gun nests across the entire border to keep them out.

    Ah, very good.  Let us retire to a historical, picturesque city deep inland which will be utterly safe even though it is curiously devoid of anti-aircraft batteries.

    Very well, Branson, Missouri it is.  I'm gonna go see Yakov Smirnoff!

    But we should be prepared on the off-chance that the Germans are not bested by the key to our defensive strategy: some trees.  If such an incredibly unlikely thing were to occur, I suspect we could leverage our simpering incompetence to retain control of Oklahoma, Kansas, and most of Nebraska.



  • @bstorer said:

    @morbiuswilters said:

    @bstorer said:

    @morbiuswilters said:

    @NickAragua said:

    @fire2k said:

    decides to declade jihad on germany instead

    Germany comes over and actually kicks your ass. The end.

    Doubtful.  Germans are the most peaceful people on Earth.  They'd never be able to raise an army.

    And besides, we've built this really big line of forts and machine gun nests across the entire border to keep them out.

    Ah, very good.  Let us retire to a historical, picturesque city deep inland which will be utterly safe even though it is curiously devoid of anti-aircraft batteries.

    Very well, Branson, Missouri it is.  I'm gonna go see Yakov Smirnoff!

    But we should be prepared on the off-chance that the Germans are not bested by the key to our defensive strategy: some trees.  If such an incredibly unlikely thing were to occur, I suspect we could leverage our simpering incompetence to retain control of Oklahoma, Kansas, and most of Nebraska.

    I thought the key to our defensive strategy was West Virginia: once the Germans take it over, it will be a lead weight around their necks that will make fucking Greece look like Belgium.  Bonus for us: we finally get rid of West Virginia.

     

    Second bonus for us: possibility of West Virginian death camps.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    Select from the following le menu choices: 

     You made me laugh there.  A couple of years ago I was flying WestJet accross Canada (Toronto to Vancouver), and on the beverages menu, the french translation for "Mojito" was litteraly "Le mojito".  None of the other drinks were translated as such.  Good times

     - Al



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @bstorer said:

    @morbiuswilters said:

    @bstorer said:

    @morbiuswilters said:

    @NickAragua said:

    @fire2k said:

    decides to declade jihad on germany instead

    Germany comes over and actually kicks your ass. The end.

    Doubtful.  Germans are the most peaceful people on Earth.  They'd never be able to raise an army.

    And besides, we've built this really big line of forts and machine gun nests across the entire border to keep them out.

    Ah, very good.  Let us retire to a historical, picturesque city deep inland which will be utterly safe even though it is curiously devoid of anti-aircraft batteries.

    Very well, Branson, Missouri it is.  I'm gonna go see Yakov Smirnoff!

    But we should be prepared on the off-chance that the Germans are not bested by the key to our defensive strategy: some trees.  If such an incredibly unlikely thing were to occur, I suspect we could leverage our simpering incompetence to retain control of Oklahoma, Kansas, and most of Nebraska.

    I thought the key to our defensive strategy was West Virginia: once the Germans take it over, it will be a lead weight around their necks that will make fucking Greece look like Belgium.  Bonus for us: we finally get rid of West Virginia.

    They managed to drag around France, Poland and the Netherlands last time.  Why should West Virginia stop them?
    @morbiuswilters said:
    Second bonus for us: possibility of West Virginian death camps.
    Your ideas intrigue me and I'd like to subscribe to Dein Kampf.



  •  I recently saw an email at work stating that on the new phone system you have to dial '0' to get an outside line and '9' to reach the operator.  Why make it backwards from every other phone system on the continent?



  • @bstorer said:

    They managed to drag around France, Poland and the Netherlands last time.  Why should West Virginia stop them?

    I'm tempted to say it's because it's full of Yanks, all of whom are so fat they weigh it down and prevent dragging. But we all know it's because the Germans would get to West Virginia, look for East Virginia, North Virginia, South Virginia, and so on. It vill not make sentz. It vill not be KONZISTENT. Not finding them, their heads would explode, and they would all live happily ever after. The end.



  • @davedavenotdavemaybedave said:

    I'm tempted to say it's because it's full of Yanks, all of whom are so fat they weigh it down and prevent dragging.

    You make a good point: trying to starve the West Virginians to death in forced-labor camps would be a war of attrition between German patience and good ol' fashioned Mountain Man lard.  Even if they didn't feed the prisoners, it would take years of hard labor until they could even sit in a pickup truck without causing the struts to sag; by that point the Germans will be so sick of banjo music they'll just blow their own damn heads off.

     

    Of course, the whole idea is flawed: explaining the concept of "work" to West Virginians who are accustomed to trading food stamps for Coca Cola, Moon Pies, Wild Turkey, Fritos and Marlboro Reds would be an exercise in futility.  In the end, they'll just have to execute every last prisoner.

     

    So when can we start?


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

     You've obviously never been to West Virginia. I've never seen a skinnier bunch of people in my life. Only the people who own the Ford truck dealerships are fat.



  • That's because we started a few years back.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    by that point the Germans will be so sick of banjo music they'll just blow their own damn heads off.
    I'm sorry, you really think the Germans are pushovers?  You think the great German War Machine can be defeated banjo music?  Like with a poison, the Germans have been consuming awful music for years to increase their tolerance.  Ever heard of Heino?  How about Scorpions?  Kraftwerk?  Falco?  Hasselhoff?  And you have them caving to a few banjos. 

    Never underestimate the Germans; they'll tear you to shreds like sauerkraut; they'll grind you up like bratwurst; they'll twist you up like a pretzel; they'll boil you like spatzle; they'll... uhh... top you with cherries like Black Forest cake; they'll crumble you onto a muffin like streusel -- fuck, now I'm hungry and confused.  What the hell was I talking about again?

    Oh, right, the German War Machine.  Anyway, my point is that they're not going to be phased by anything the West Virginians can muster.  And as to their patience, they can lie in wait for years, decades if necessary.  Hell, they haven't gone to war with France in 60 years.  You know that's just a long con to lull the world into a false sense of security before striking.

    @morbiuswilters said:

    Of course, the whole idea is flawed: explaining the concept of "work" to West Virginians who are accustomed to trading food stamps for Coca Cola, Moon Pies, Wild Turkey, Fritos and Marlboro Reds would be an exercise in futility.  In the end, they'll just have to execute every last prisoner.
    This is true.  Even more difficult will be tricking the West Virginians to enter a "shower," a concept completely foreign to them.  Guess it'll have to be firing squads and any depraved murder games the Germans think up (And who better for such a task than the depraved Germans?  Have you seen their porn (That was rhetorical; of course you have (Not to mention the one you starred in.).)?).

    @morbiuswilters said:

    So when can we start?
    Well, it all depends on the Germans.  Still, no reason we can't be proactive.  I know a few German words, and if you still have that uniform from that gay porn you were in, we can get this thing started now.



  • @Weng said:

    You've obviously never been to West Virginia. I've never seen a skinnier bunch of people in my life. Only the people who own the Ford truck dealerships are fat.
    Are you sure you were in West Virginia, and not some sort of ironic hipster, West-Virginia-inspired theme restaurant?  Because West Virginia has the third highest obesity rate.  There's a reason they're fat pimpin'.



  • @bstorer said:

    .).)?).

    Ah, the little-seen cubist smiley.



  • @ShawnD said:

     I recently saw an email at work stating that on the new phone system you have to dial '0' to get an outside line and '9' to reach the operator.  Why make it backwards from every other phone system on the continent?

    For me it's always been 0 for an outside line.



  • @ShawnD said:

    I recently saw an email at work stating that on the new phone system you have to dial '0' to get an outside line and '9' to reach the operator.  Why make it backwards from every other phone system on the continent?

    Because they are making it the same as most phone systems in the world?

    I remember reading a Computer Stupidities story that had the user calling 911 then ten digits of their ISP dialup: Since 9 is common in the USA for outside line, plus the 1 that windows adds automatically, plus the 1 the user added in for long-distance...

    Here in Australia it is common for 0 for the outside line, and 0 for long-distance: this could make the equivalent luser call 000 then the nine remaining digits of a phone number. 000 is our emergency services number, the equivalent of 911.

    Don't you just love the fore-thought? Two very different phone systems that have the exact same problem!



  • @Zemm said:

    @ShawnD said:
    I recently saw an email at work stating that on the new phone system you have to dial '0' to get an outside line and '9' to reach the operator.  Why make it backwards from every other phone system on the continent?

    Because they are making it the same as most phone systems in the world?
    Most? IME, 9 is usual for an outside line here; and I've seen numerous 'emergency notices' that specifically tell you to dial '9999' in an emergency (999 being the UK's '911' or '112'.)



    There's one place (and can't for the life of me remember where,) where the number you had to dial was '99999' - no idea why the extra 9.



  • @Weng said:

    You've obviously never been to West Virginia. I've never seen a skinnier bunch of people in my life. Only the people who own the Ford truck dealerships are fat.

    I have and you are full of shit.  It has the most obese cities in America.



  • @bstorer said:

    I'm sorry, you really think the Germans are pushovers?

    Well, they were defeated by the fucking Russians.  I mean, it was only because after killing about 70 billion of the fucks the Germans' stabbing-and-shooting arms got muscle cramps, but it is a vulnerability.  The last thing I want is for some of the West Virginians to survive, thus subjecting us to West Virginian genocide museums, crappy Spielburg movies and the establishment of a West Virginian homeland in the Middle East.  Actually, that last one would be pretty funny.

     

    @bstorer said:

    This is true.  Even more difficult will be tricking the West Virginians to enter a "shower," a concept completely foreign to them.

    Just tell them the showerheads emit sweet, sweet pork gravy.  Then poison the gravy.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    showerheads emit sweet, sweet pork gravy.  Then poison the gravy.

     Fuck that, it would take infrastructure to accomplish that. Just sprinkle strychnine on their pot plants growing in the woods and inject arsenic into their budweiser, that would take care of the majority of them. The rest can just be eliminated by hand when they go to collect their welfare checks.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @morbiuswilters said:

    I have and you are full of shit.  It has the most obese cities in America.
    There are cities in WV? I guess coal mining towns (at least the ones that still have active coal mines) take a different sort.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    Well, they were defeated by the fucking Russians.  I mean, it was only because after killing about 70 billion of the fucks the Germans' stabbing-and-shooting arms got muscle cramps, but it is a vulnerability.
    Good Lord, man, get your facts straight.  You of all people should know that Germany only lost to Russia because American entered the war and saved everyone.  Our unmitigated awesomeness overwhelmed the Germans with enough left over to fuck every moderately attractive woman on the continent in the hopes of giving rise to a generation of half-Americans to lead Europe out of the Dark Ages (Sadly, the half-Americans realized the hopelessness of Europe's situation and immigrated to the US where they filled vital roles as butchers, tailors, seamstresses, watchmakers, and cobblers and all other positions beneath the notice of any full-American.).  It's like I don't even know you any more. @morbiuswilters said:
    The last thing I want is for some of the West Virginians to survive
    Nobody wants the war to end in tragedy like that. @morbiuswilters said:
    thus subjecting us to West Virginian genocide museums,
    I disagree.  I think it's vital that we document all that stuff for two reasons.  First, those who forget history are bound to repeat it, and we wouldn't want another West Virginia to crop up in the future.  Second, such a museum may serve to provide some techniques and insights we can apply to future genocides.  Plus, it would make a good weekend outing for the whole family. @morbiuswilters said:
    crappy Spielburg movies
    No worries here: what are the odds of someone trying to save any West Virginians?@morbiuswilters said:
    and the establishment of a West Virginian homeland in the Middle East.  Actually, that last one would be pretty funny.
    FAIL.  There are no sheep in the Middle East. @morbiuswilters said:
    @bstorer said:
    This is true.  Even more difficult will be tricking the West Virginians to enter a "shower," a concept completely foreign to them.
    Just tell them the showerheads emit sweet, sweet pork gravy.  Then poison the gravy.
    Nah, let's infect them with incurable diseases.  Worst case, they all drop dead.  Best case, some of them develop immunities that science can harness for the good of society and we put bullets in their heads.  A few pounds of depeted uranium are a small price to pay for advancing medical science.



  • @bstorer said:

    infect them with incurable diseases.  Worst case, they all drop dead.

    No. Worst case, having died, they come back as zombies - massively more intelligent than in life, and, well, just massively obese. The ravening hordes of crazed West Virginian Diseased Mutant Zombies sweep across the US like a wildfire, maiming, killing, eating brains, and generally leaving a trail of devastation and destruction like Rosanne Barr at an all-you-can-eat buffet. This spells the end of American 'civilization' and the continent is plunged into a thousand year darkness.

    Wait, now I see where you're coming from. Worst case all-dead it is, then.



  • @davedavenotdavemaybedave said:

    @bstorer said:
    infect them with incurable diseases.  Worst case, they all drop dead.

    No. Worst case, having died, they come back as zombies - massively more intelligent than in life, and, well, just massively obese. The ravening hordes of crazed West Virginian Diseased Mutant Zombies sweep across the US like a wildfire, maiming, killing, eating brains, and generally leaving a trail of devastation and destruction like Rosanne Barr at an all-you-can-eat buffet. This spells the end of American 'civilization' and the continent is plunged into a thousand year darkness.

    Wait, now I see where you're coming from. Worst case all-dead it is, then.

    And teams of four unlikely companions have to fight through shopping malls, amusement parks, hospitals, and forests to get to safety.  Then we get free DLC every few months with more West Virginians to kill.



  • @belgariontheking said:

    @davedavenotdavemaybedave said:

    @bstorer said:
    infect them with incurable diseases.  Worst case, they all drop dead.

    No. Worst case, having died, they come back as zombies - massively more intelligent than in life, and, well, just massively obese. The ravening hordes of crazed West Virginian Diseased Mutant Zombies sweep across the US like a wildfire, maiming, killing, eating brains, and generally leaving a trail of devastation and destruction like Rosanne Barr at an all-you-can-eat buffet. This spells the end of American 'civilization' and the continent is plunged into a thousand year darkness.

    Wait, now I see where you're coming from. Worst case all-dead it is, then.

    And teams of four unlikely companions have to fight through shopping malls, amusement parks, hospitals, and forests to get to safety.  Then we get free DLC every few months with more West Virginians to kill.
    Oh, fuck those lame-ass fags.  They don't even have a paddlesaw.



  • @davedavenotdavemaybedave said:

    @bstorer said:
    infect them with incurable diseases.  Worst case, they all drop dead.

    No. Worst case, having died, they come back as zombies - massively more intelligent than in life, and, well, just massively obese. The ravening hordes of crazed West Virginian Diseased Mutant Zombies sweep across the US like a wildfire, maiming, killing, eating brains, and generally leaving a trail of devastation and destruction like Rosanne Barr at an all-you-can-eat buffet. This spells the end of American 'civilization' and the continent is plunged into a thousand year darkness.

    Wait, now I see where you're coming from. Worst case all-dead it is, then.

    I look forward to the Zombie Apocalypse.  I think it would be fun to run around shooting at everything that moves and just trying to stay alive.  I suppose a lot of innocents would die, but I'm unethical and don't give a shit.



  • @bstorer said:

    They don't even have a paddlesaw.

    My cousin Festus lost an arm that way.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    but I'm unethical and don't give a shit.
     

    It helps, you know what I mean?



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    I'm unethical and don't give a shit.
    Not me.  I just block ads from websites that offer me services for free and pirate music, movies, and games ostensibly on the grounds that I wouldn't buy them anyway.



  • (Ah, I see that we have to put our new lines in manually now. Convenient!)


    Then, of course, there's what happens if you want to declare Jihad against Israel.

    "Shalom. Thank you for calling the Israel Defense Forces. To declare jihad against Israel, press ש."

    *presses ש*

    "Shalom. Please wait while we process your request."

    ('Hava Nagila' plays)

    "Shalom. Please turn to your left."

    *Turns to left, is poked in the neck by a Mossad agent's syringe, dies*



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    I look forward to the Zombie Apocalypse.  I think it would be fun to run around shooting at everything that moves and just trying to stay alive.  I suppose a lot of innocents would die, but I'm unethical and don't give a shit.

    You don't need a zombie apocalypse for that. Try LA.


Log in to reply
 

Looks like your connection to What the Daily WTF? was lost, please wait while we try to reconnect.