For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!
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Used the original headline because it's pretty great.
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Reminds me of years ago in my darker tech support days, when I went to IBM's website with the simple task of finding the driver downloads for their InfoPrint series of printers.
After about 15 minutes of clicking around and reading inscrutable gibberish, I just gave up and went to one of those seedy sites with names like "getmydrivernow.com".
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@blakeyrat that way you can write your webpage before you decide what your company will do
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@blakeyrat The comments of that article are surprisingly pretty insightful. I like the observation that they're probably trying to emulate Apple or Nike, with the big difference that everybody already knows what Apple and Nike sell before they visit the website.
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For a previous project, my startup company got the most awful wishy washy website, that looked like any one of those mentioned in the article. TONS and TONS of boring text about "our core values" and bullshit like that, interspersed with stupid stock photos of smiling people.
It was designed entirely by a Swedish marketing firm that clearly had no idea what was doing.
The author presumed these sites are made by malicious marketing geniuses. Nah. Think idiots.
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The work we do is so secret, even we don't know what we're doing™
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Actually, this totally reminds me of old BASF commercials:
I still have no idea they actually do.
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@boomzilla Remember those IBM commercials with the creepy kid that was all about "Linux" and didn't actually tell you what Linux actually did or how you'd benefit from it in any way? Yeah.
I remember at the time, all the Linux-y people were so excited that IBM was advertising their OS. But... I don't think even they could figure out what product IBM was actually trying to sell.
Again, people bitch and joke about the abstract iPod commercials, but at least the dancing silhouettes make it clear what an iPod did.
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@blakeyrat Alas, no, I don't remember that, even after watching it on Youtube. But then everybody knew IBM already and putting out an obscure and artsy commercial probably helped portray them as less stuffy or whatever, or at least put their name out there for people who thought the company died already.
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@boomzilla They were really more creepy than anything.
"Linux is this creepy dead-eyed horror-movie kid who consumes all knowledge. Sleep well!"
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As a game, if you don't know what sandstorm is, post how long you take to figure it out reading https://sandstorm.io/ (or to close the window without figuring it out because fuck that) It seems to have improved a lot since when I met this one, but it's still bad.
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@wharrgarbl Uh...the first words on there were:
"Sandstorm is a self-hostable
web productivity suite."And then right below it (OK, actually below the "Try a Demo" and "Get Sandstorm" buttons) they talk about the apps and show screen shots. This is the polar opposite of TFA. Granted I have no idea what it used to be like.
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@timebandit said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
The work we do is so
secretinane, even we don't know what we're doing™
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Before clicking the link: It's that song that goes du-du-du-du-du
After clicking the link: It's a self-hostable web productivity suite
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@boomzilla I see they ruined the game by improving their page
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@wharrgarbl Sometimes people are just no fun at all.
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@boomzilla said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
Actually, this totally reminds me of old BASF commercials:
I still have no idea they actually do.
Just based on the commercial, I'd say they invent new polymers, plastics, dyes, etc.
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@boomzilla OK, I'll try another. Can you figure what http://www.indy.cloud/ is?
(answer in https://qz.com/697558/internet-startups-cant-explain-what-they-do-because-theyre-addicted-to-meaningless-jargon/ )
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@wharrgarbl said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
Can you figure what http://www.indy.cloud/ is?
Bad at aligning graphical elements?
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@hungrier Some kind of metaphor-mixing service?
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@hungrier Under 9000?
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@wharrgarbl Scrolling down the "Vision" page...
Our project flow is the first step towards establishing the swarm as a platform for small businesses. It is a huge step nevertheless.
With flow you have your complete order-to-payment process under control. No more broken excel sheets, no expensive server infrastructure and always full access to all your company information and documents and all that for free!
Sounds like some sort of payment processing thing. Hmmm....
"Project Flow"...
Let's be honest, if you are a typical small business owner, then you are usually not an Enterprise Resource Planning expert and neither are your employees, if you even have some. You have other concerns than spending your money and time on an IT solution.
An ERP system, too?
INDY CLOUD flow is the perfect database application for small businesses. It gives you full access to all information and documents of your company.
Ummm...OK, so even more stuff?
"The Swarm"
As a user of INDY CLOUD flow you automatically become member of the INDY CLOUD swarm, a growing community of small businesses. That means you get access to the know-how and products and services of other members.
Uh...yeah.
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@boomzilla Well you need lots of order planing.
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@blakeyrat Are they making them thinner or flying them around the country, though?
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@boomzilla I don't think you "plane" when getting on an aircraft. You only "deplane" when getting off one.
So it means running the orders through a tool that smooths them by removing a thin outer layer.
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@blakeyrat said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
I don't think you "plane" when getting on an aircraft.
I would call it hubris to think you can constrain
buzzwordsThe Learnings.
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@hungrier said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
@hungrier Under 9000?
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@boomzilla said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
@wharrgarbl Uh...the first words on there were:
"Sandstorm is a self-hostable
web productivity suite."
And then right below it (OK, actually below the "Try a Demo" and "Get Sandstorm" buttons) they talk about the apps and show screen shots. This is the polar opposite of TFA. Granted I have no idea what it used to be like.The biggest problem with that site are non-zoomable screenshots.
That's inexcusable.
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This post is deleted!
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@wharrgarbl said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
@boomzilla OK, I'll try another. Can you figure what http://www.indy.cloud/ is?
(answer in https://qz.com/697558/internet-startups-cant-explain-what-they-do-because-theyre-addicted-to-meaningless-jargon/ )
From the first minute of browser, I'd assume they're building an AWS/Azure equivalent, only focused towards small businesses, with simpler terms and workflow charts for building products?
Let's see the answer
Indy Cloud is really a web app (that’s the “cloud” part) that’s kind of a Microsoft Excel alternative, designed specifically for small businesses. The software forces users to follow a specific procedure for inputting category names and data, so that tweaking one spreadsheet leads to a corresponding tweak in another. Change Company A’s address to 123 Main Street in one spreadsheet, and all other spreadsheets with Company A will update accordingly.
Oh... okay.
“I think the most accurate, concise, and jargon free way to describe Indy Cloud is maybe ERP,” he says. “We are an enterprise resource planning solution.”
ERP IS NOT A HELPFUL TERM AT ALL
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This trend has been around for longer than the article seems to imply. It was a huge dot-com era trend that inspired Zombocom and possibly even the trope Dilbert and Office Space embraced of companies that are completely vague in what they actually sell.
The companies referenced in the article resemble some of the candidates I've interviewed, struggling to get my simple question answered: "What did you do at X?"
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@anonymous234 said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
ERP IS NOT A HELPFUL TERM AT ALL
To a business owner, it's more helpful than AWS / Azure, actually.
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@the_quiet_one said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
This trend has been around for longer than the article seems to imply.
... how long do you think the article "implies" this has been going on?
I don't share your perceived implication, for the record.
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"Because this was what I’d come to expect from this decade’s websites."
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And maybe there are a few people out there who see yet another website which opens with “Simple, elegant solutions for your most challenging needs”, and think oh these guys are legit, but I guarantee you that the tide is turning, and more and more people see that and think oh these guys make nothing of substance.
This is true. If everyone else is talking about synergies and data driven enterprise-class solutions, and you find someone that just says "we're building a lightweight video editor that runs in the browser. Here are some screenshots, here's an interactive demo", you're going to think "hey, these people have an actual product, and aren't afraid to show it".
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@blakeyrat said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
Used the original headline because it's pretty great.
84.51° is a terrible name. It's reminiscent of both 1984 and Fahrenheit 451.
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@djls45 Wow, that never even occurred to me. Why would they pick that name?
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Get ready! INDY CLOUD flow is coming in fall 2016!
I guess nobody was ready for INDY CLOUD flow seeing as it's now fall 2017.
Also, that Sandstorm site has an Oasis sign-in. So it's for the Gallagher brothers?
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@atazhaia said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
Also, that Sandstorm site has an Oasis sign-in. So it's for the Gallagher brothers?
They need that for companies interested in network security who install their wonderwall product.
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@cartman82 said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
@djls45 Wow, that never even occurred to me. Why would they pick that name?
Our name, 84.51°, represents the longitude of our headquarters at Fifth and Race streets in Cincinnati, Ohio. Historically, defining the concept of longitude involved some of the greatest scientific minds and took centuries to uncover. We embrace that same explorer mindset and seek deep knowledge to bring about clarity and actionable insights in the realm of data and analytics.
In other words, they spent more time explaining their name than explaining what they do.
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@hungrier said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
Before clicking the link: It's that song that goes du-du-du-du-du
No, that's a Darude Sandstorm.
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@groaner Actually, Darude Sandstorm was the name of the doctor.
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Yes, when I want to see what a software product or company does, I give up on the website and go to wikipedia first.
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@wharrgarbl said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
As a game, if you don't know what sandstorm is, post how long you take to figure it out reading https://sandstorm.io/ (or to close the window without figuring it out because fuck that) It seems to have improved a lot since when I met this one, but it's still bad.
I Dunno, sounds like some kind of office productivity suite.
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@anonymous234 said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
ERP IS NOT A HELPFUL TERM AT ALL
Oh, I don't know about that.
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@dkf said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
@anonymous234 said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
ERP IS NOT A HELPFUL TERM AT ALL
Oh, I don't know about that.
Filed under: URP
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@boomzilla said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
I still have no idea they actually do.
Produce aniline and soda? They must be the perpetrators of this stuff.
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@blakeyrat said in For the love of God, PLEASE just tell me what your company does!:
Again, people bitch and joke about the abstract iPod commercials, but at least the dancing silhouettes make it clear what an iPod did.
Get you high? Ah no, that was the other one …
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The wife spent part of past week at a conference. She comes back with the requisite stack of business cards. I look through them and for most of them I have NFC what most of them or their business does from their business card.
One of them was even an expensive business card. It was in its own holder that also dispensed candy with what amounts to buzzword bingo on the candies. They spent all of that money and I would have to Google then to find out what they do or why I might want to contact them.
Your tagline on your business card should tell people what the hell you do.