The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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@hungrier Not to kill the joke (I'm totally killing the joke), but in French it's Ouroboros (yeah, OK, it's the same as in English) and words in -os have the same singular and plural forms, so the plural would simply be Ouroboros.
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@jinpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Aloha means both hello and good-bye.
?
Idea for a Country-Western song: "Are You Whooshing Or Am I"?
(Look forward to the explanations of how I'm using the label "Country-Western" wrong.)
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@jinpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@jinpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Aloha means both hello and good-bye.
?
Idea for a Country-Western song: "Are You Whooshing Or Am I"?
(Look forward to the explanations of how I'm using the label "Country-Western" wrong.)
Alternately the Jazz version : Is You Is Or Is You Ain't Whooshing?
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@jinpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@pie_flavor said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Hawaiian suicidal programmers: 'Aloha, world'
I know it fits the category title, but that doesn't mean you're free from . Aloha means both hello and good-bye. So I guess it could be written by Hawaiian suicidal programmers, but someone who came across the program would not know if it was their first or their last.
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Not many people know Nelson was 5’6” in real life
Yet his statue in Trafalgar Square is 17’4”
That’s Horatio of around 3 to 1
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@PJH Seems tall for a fourth-grader
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@JBert said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
This could go in the NSFW thread for its "fan service" but I guess it fits here better:
It looks like somebody actually used this as a costume this year (minus the sexy bikini part):
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@JBert The obviously need to update, that blue screen is so yesterday!
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I'd love to help you with your study of which hand people prefer masturbating with, but my hands are tied.
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Neighbour of mine wants to make vegan nougat, without any animal-derived ingredient in it. I think that's just nuts.
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I don't understand what people have against pedophiles.
After all, they drive slowly in school zones.
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If life after 50 doesn't make you happy
pour another 50.
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What do toilet paper and electricity have in common?
When there is lack of them, people read more newspapers.
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What do you use to beat something into a cubic shape?
Paddle Picasso
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A guy gets lost in a forest. It is getting dark and when he is already starting to lose hope to get out of the forest before night he meets a very old woman carrying some brushwood.
He tells her he's lost and ask if she could possibly help him find the way out.
The woman says "Help me carry this brushwood to my house, it's not far from here. There's a road from the house that will lead you out of the forest."
The guy is happy to help and they go to the woman's house.
When they reach the house, the woman says:
"You know, I'm not an ordinary old lady, I'm a witch and for your kindness I will grant you three wishes."
"I always wanted a luxury car."
"What kind do you want?"
"A Mercedes-Benz."
"Okay, follow this road, right after the bend in the road there will be a brand new Mercedes parked on the shoulder. Keys and papers in your name will be in the glove-box. What's your second wish?"
"I want a beautiful wife that will love me forever."
"Okay, on the passenger seat of your Mercedes there's a beautiful blonde whose only dream in life is to make you happy. The marriage certificate is also in the glove-box. Your last wish?"
"Uh, I want money, I guess. I want a million dollars. No, wait, can you make it 10 millions?"
"Sure, in the trunk of your car there's a suitcase with 10 million dollars inside."
The guy can't wait to go meet all his dreams, but the woman stops him.
"I know you are anxious to get away but before you go may I ask you for one more favour?"
"Sure, but you being a witch what could you possibly ask for that you can't just do yourself?"
"Eh, not everything can be conjured. I live here in the forest alone and it must have been at least a 100 years since someone went down on me."
The guy is taken aback at first but he doesn't want to anger the woman because she might not only revoke his wishes but also curse him as well. Besides, what's a couple minutes spent making some old woman happy compared to a lifetime of happiness spending his millions with his beautiful wife.
So he does the deed, bids the woman goodbye and goes running to the bend in the road where his wishes wait for him.
"Hey, how old are you?" the woman shouts after him.
"I'll be 38 next month.""Wow, I never thought I'd meet a full-grown adult who still believes in fairytales"
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I live here in the forest alone and it must have been at least a 100 years since someone went down on me.
Well duh, solve your problem by walking down that road you know leads out of the forest ya prude!
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If it turned out one of my friends was an anal rapist, I wouldn't turn my back on them.
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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me"
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
fter a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.
She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
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What's the difference between the alphabet and the Christmas alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
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@dcon You did that on porpoise.
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@dkf said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@dcon You did that on porpoise.
Oh the in hugh manatee of these jokes...
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"Hey neighbour, could I borrow your tuxedo, my grandpa died."
"Sure, mate. My condolences."A week later:
"Hey, can I have my tuxedo back?"
"But how? The grandpa's still wearing it."
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Never buy flowers at a monastery.
Because only you can prevent florist friars.
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An azhdarchid walks into a bar…
Filed under: s/
walks/sticks its head/
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I used to date a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, really.
Jill painted her fingernails purple.
John had a dick.
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"Calm down officer, it's just a kitchen knife."
"What about that gun?"
"It's a kitchen gun."
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
"Calm down officer, it's just a kitchen knife."
"What about that gun?"
"It's a kitchen gun.""What?!"
"Look, you would not believe the cockroaches we get around here okay? Gotta be able to defend yourself or they'll eat you from the inside out and wear your skin to pass for human"
"Wat?!!!?!" -starts aiming gun-
Llike they did with me!!!!!!!!!!!" -opens mouth and giant cockroaches spill out swarming the officers and crawling into their orifices-
-after several minutes of screaming and struggling the officers stand back up and dust themselves off-
"Right then. Carry on fellow human."
"I will do that fellow humans."
-Officers leave, walking somewhat unsteadily for the first bit, but quickly returning to a more normal gait-
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@Vixen The Nope thread is... Well, I don't want to know.
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@JBert said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Vixen The Nope thread is... Well, I don't want to know.
what? you want me to continue the story? I can do that!
"Ma'am, calm down and tell us what's wrong."
"COCKROACHES! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!"
"Ma'am, we've been receiving reports about them, but our investigations have not shown them to be a threat."
"BUT THEY'RE EATING PEOPLE!"
"Ma'am, I assure you that we do not eat people. We only eat humans. and we all know humans aren't people."
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! HELP! HELP!"
"Now, Now we can't have that." -vomits cockroaches onto the panicking woman-
-screams intensify then fall silent as the woman stands up once more-
"Any further issues citizen?"
"None whatsoever officers. I'll go to my niece's birthday party now."
"You do that citizen, you do that."
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@Vixen Somebody been watching a bit too much Men In Black recently maybe?
Filed under: You know I've noticed an infestation
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@ixvedeusi said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Vixen Somebody been watching a bit too much Men In Black recently maybe?
Filed under: You know I've noticed an infestation
nah. just having an active imagination
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Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” he was responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”
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A tourist stops her RV at the side of the road to take in the landscape. There's a nearby shepherd watching over his sheep.
"Good afternoon", she says.
"Good afternoon", answers the shepherd.They stand silently for a while, enjoying the afternoon warmth, hearing the sheep peacefully bleat.
"That's a nice herd you've got there", says the tourist after a while. "How many heads have you got?"
"Thank you", replies the shepherd. He looks up for a few seconds, as if thinking.
He clicks his tongue and answers"Twenty eight". He pauses. "Thirty, at night."The tourist lets that sink in for some time.
"So... two extra, at night? Where are they? Do you keep them at home, are they sick?""Nope", says the shepherd, "they're all here."
He checks for the slight look of confusion on the tourist's face, with some delight.
"See, I let twenty-eight loose here in this field during the day. But at night," he slowly adds, "I round them up."
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Another overly dramatic post:
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"So you're my husband's new secretary?"
"Yes, mam."
"Well, I hope you are a bit less ambitious than the previous one."
"Why, who was she?"
"I was."