The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed…
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. ‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’.
She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’
‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?’
‘I remember that, too’ she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”
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@boomzilla I remember the times when this joke used "1023 megabytes".
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@obeselymorbid hey, 999 < 1024, too.
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@obeselymorbid said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@boomzilla I remember the times when this joke used "1023 megabytes".
Must've been before hard drives became popular.
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@boomzilla I think we're in the same FB group.
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@dangeRuss the gun club with a book problem?
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@dangeRuss the gun club with a book problem?
FBI didn't have a book problem
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It's disgusting that people are already setting off fireworks, it's not even Halloween and my poor dog is hiding under the Christmas tree.
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To the guy who stole my anti-depressants: I hope you're happy now.
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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
while he drove, people prayed
The Driving Necro Edition thread is
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Pokémon fan base
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My daughter just sent this to me:
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And here I thought I was a computer geek.
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
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@boomzilla you know which topic is you know where.
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@Gąska The pilot topic?
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
The joke would be better if they actually got the key signature right (you can spell it with two .NET languages).
BONUS! Off-by-one thread is
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@GOG Amazing how they managed to accidentally put an accidental on the actual tonic, and on a note that's not usually sharpened.
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@GOG Amazing how they managed to accidentally put an accidental on the actual tonic, and on a note that's not usually sharpened.
I mean... I suppose you might want to play in C# major/A# minor at some point in your life?
(Funnily enough, I've written a couple of songs in those keys.)
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@GOG said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I suppose you might want to play in C# major/A# minor
Sure, but those are 7 #s, not 2.
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@HardwareGeek I was commenting on B not usually being sharpened.
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@GOG said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
B not usually being sharpened
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@GOG said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@HardwareGeek I was commenting on B not usually being sharpened.
Temper, temper!
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Just imagine they added one more
#
: then, the damage isa major
!
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@BernieTheBernie At least none of the tires seem to b flat.
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As a student, I didn't have much money. I was living with a girl then, and we had to cut down on everything - she insisted that we couldn't even spend any money on beer. Jeeez ... being a student with no beer?? But I was obedient.
Then one day she came home having bought makeup for $98.50. I got really mad: You will not allow me even a single beer, and then you go out and spend almost a hundred dollars on makeup! (This is long ago and $100 was a lot more buying power than today.)
Of course she started crying: The makeup was so that I would look pretty to you ...
I made a deep sigh: But ... That's what I had the beer for!
I never saw her again.
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
As a student, I didn't have much money. I was living with a girl then, and we had to cut down on everything - she insisted that we couldn't even spend any money on beer. Jeeez ... being a student with no beer?? But I was obedient.
Then one day she came home having bought makeup for $98.50. I got really mad: You will not allow me even a single beer, and then you go out and spend almost a hundred dollars on makeup! (This is long ago and $100 was a lot more buying power than today.)
Of course she started crying: The makeup was so that I would look pretty to you ...
I made a deep sigh: But ... That's what I had the beer for!
I never saw her again.
That was funny.
But I wouldn't spend that, much on makeup if it were not a part of a costume.
I buy cheap drugstore makeup and the occasional funky colors from other places. Those tend to cost mosre which is why I don't do it that much.
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A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar...
The bartender says: "What would you like to drink?"
The machine learning algorithm replies: "What's everyone else having?"
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@Karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I buy cheap drugstore makeup and the occasional funky colors from other places. Those tend to cost mosre which is why I don't do it that much.
Time to clean the glasses. I first read that as "occasional funky colors from outer space".
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@da-Doctah said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Karla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
I buy cheap drugstore makeup and the occasional funky colors from other places. Those tend to cost mosre which is why I don't do it that much.
Time to clean the glasses. I first read that as "occasional funky colors from outer space".
That might be cool if they weren't so expensive.
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I ordered Chinese from a local place (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!! I thought what on earth is that? Has something got into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving so pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the Won Ton Soup! I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down... and there it was... a Peeking Duck!!!!
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Then all of a sudden, something made a twanging sound and jumped out of the bag. It was a spring roll.
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To be Frank... I'd have to change my name.
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My son just asked me, how was Karenina split, vertically or horizontally.
I answered that had she laid on the tracks, she might have been cut neatly in parts, but as she jumped in front of the train, she most likely would be reduced to a heap of ground meat.Anyway,
it turns out he was asking about Korea.
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@RaceProUK said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
What do you get when you combine carbon, oxygen, titanium, and einsteinium?
COOTiEs
What do you get when you add sulphur, erbium, and vanadium to the mix?SErVEr COOTiEs
Yeah sure okay if you're in Cation World where charges don't matter, this isn't even a bad joke, it's worse - if there is a hell, writing with elements would be sufficient, quite possibly also necessary, for being sent to it. I hope that wherever you are right now, it sucks.
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@RaceProUK for your sins, I refuse to acknowledge the reference.
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@blakeyrat said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Baseball is American, I'm American, but I've never once heard that term before.
You're not a professional baseball player and therefore it is impossible, and probably illegal, to explain this concept to you.
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The word queue is quite ironic.
It's just the letter q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in a line.
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
The word queue is quite ironic.
It's just the letter q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in a line.
OK, Alanis.
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@lolwhat It's like 10000 letters when all you need is a q