The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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Know that feeling that you ought to continue doing something but your brain keeps getting sidetracked with puns?
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Oh, pah. Ties are merely a polite way of say “we’re all equally inadequate.” It’s why business ponies insist on wearing them
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Two donuts meet and start talking.
- Hey man, what's up? How are things?
- Ah, you know, it was pretty intense lately. I decided to go for masters degree in mathematics, like I always wanted. I chose Harvard, so entry bar was very high. I studied like crazy for months, on my own, with tutors and on preliminary courses. A lot of work, a lot of stress. Entry exams were last week, so I'm done with that.
- Oh, did you get in?
- Are you crazy? I'm a donut.
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Ties are merely a polite way of say “we’re all equally inadequate.”
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@dkf Nope thread is .
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@dkf
@Tsaukpaetra has upvoted your post in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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@dkf said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Ties are merely a polite way of say “we’re all equally inadequate.”
I suspect that is not a safe way to get around the job search requirements attached to Dutch unemployment benefits.
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@dkf aww shit, I missed censoring a word and now my secret is out! The horror!
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Which cheese is made backwards?
Edam
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A book fell on my head.
I've got only my shelf to blame.
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What do you call a short clairvoyant person who just broke out of prison?
A small medium at large.
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I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party.
Everyone came, you should have seen her face!
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@pie_flavor actually, Wisdom is what you have so the wizard doesn't dominate you. /D&D-nerd
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@Benjamin-Hall Oh right, like your attribute modifier really matters a whole ton when you're dealing with fighter saves.
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@Gribnit I tend to play a cleric, so I've got proficiency. #editionwar
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@Benjamin-Hall well that's not who the wizard tries to dominate.
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@Benjamin-Hall Pshw. Wisdom is a dump stat, so my character instead ends up murdering the fellow PCs.
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@cvi that's who the wizard tries to dominate.
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Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows
the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place
to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as
Doug slips away, the nurse says,"Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper route!"
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
all this property
I thought the punchline was going to be about highway robbery. Oh well...
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A kid comes to his father and says
- Dad, I heard a word at school which I don't understand, can you explain what 'alternative' means?
- Well, I guess it may be a little hard to get in your young age... maybe a little story will explain it:
There was a poor man that wanted to make some money and he decided to start a business: raising chickens, you know, for eggs. He started small, with 5 hens, sold some eggs and bought more hens. Then little chickens started to appear* and his farm was growing. Soon he had over 50 hens. But being unlucky man that he was - one day a huge flood came, overflown the farm, and all hens drowned. He was left with nothing.
- ...and that is an 'alternative'?
- No! Alternative is ducks!
* a cock was left out of the story, to make it suitable for children
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@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Explaining the joke
Since sheep speech is commonly Onomatopoeia-ized as "baaa", necessarily....
Does it make more sense now?
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@Tsaukpaetra I figured it would be explained by googling the word, but .
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@Tsaukpaetra said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@Zecc said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
Explaining the joke
Since sheep speech is commonly Onomatopoeia-ized as "baaa", necessarily....
Does it make more sense now?
That really is a baaaad joke.
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While playing body part poker:
"I see your boobs and raise you my penis."
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poker
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A meat processing plant owner decides the time has come to educate his son in the family business.
He takes his son to the factory and shows him around."See kid, now pretty much everything around here is automated so it's really simple.
Look here, this is our newest machine. You just put any animal inside and it processes the meat all by itself."To demonstrate he takes a donkey, pushes it inside, the machine whirs for a few seconds and out come some sausages all packed and ready.
"You see, donkey in, sausages out. Do you understand?"
"No"
"Let me show you one more time. We take a donkey, we put it here, machine does its job, out come the sausages. Understand?"
"No"
"Damn, you are slow! You put a stupid ass in, you take sausages out. Now do you finally get it?"
"Dad, I wonder if there is a machine where you put a sausage in and out comes a stupid ass?"
Dad replies:
"Yes, there is, son. It's your mother."
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what did baby corn say to mom corn?
where's popcorn?
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: Daddy, daddy, can you tell me what a vacuum is?
Hmm... vacuum... vacuum... I'm sorry son, I know I have it in my head but it won't come out...
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An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up
to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.She glides down behind the bar across from the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “ May I help you sir?”The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
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I was told this story as something that's actually happened, and I have no reason to distrust the person who told it.
A man walks into a café and asks for a ham sandwich.
"But please, no margarine. I hate the stuff."
The server hesitates a bit, and then proceed to walk to the kitchen. After a while the server comes back and says to the patron:
"I'm sorry, but I was told we do not use margarine here. Would you like a sandwich without butter instead?"
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How do you render the Mandelbrot set?
It's complex.
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@kazitor said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
How do you render the Mandelbrot set?
It's complex.Sounds like a shady proposition.
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Wish me luck in the London Marathon, this weekend.
I managed a respectable, 3 hours, 12 minutes and 9 seconds, last year.
This year, I will try to beat that, but I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else.
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@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
This year, I will try to beat that, but I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else.
Wouldn't that just mean you were watching the same thing upside down?
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@jinpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
This year, I will try to beat that, but I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else.
Wouldn't that just mean you were watching the same thing upside down?
It's just a colloquialism for changing the channel.
upside down
I could have meant moving to Australia, but that would have been a colonialism.
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@jinpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
This year, I will try to beat that, but I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else.
Wouldn't that just mean you were watching the same thing upside down?
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@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@jinpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
This year, I will try to beat that, but I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else.
Wouldn't that just mean you were watching the same thing upside down?
All the way to
1112!
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I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
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@loopback0 said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@boomzilla said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@jinpa said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
@DoctorJones said in The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨:
All the way to
1112!In case you don't have a , the dot to the left of the 12 is 13.
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@jinpa What's it from? I find it odd that it skips numbers every so often.