Jokes Jokes Jokes
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So this kid is getting ready to go to his first day of school. He gets his stuff together, and rushes to the door ahead of his mom, and opens it, and there's an enormous snail there. Kid goes "Aaaah!" and reflexively kicks the snail across the street. Then his mom drives him to school.
So he has a decent first day, and first year, and elementary school and etc., goes to high school and college and moves across town what with the new job, gets married, has kids, moves to a different town, and switches jobs a couple times, then moves out-of-state.
A few decades later, he's arranging a reverse-mortgage at his childhood home when he hears a strange sound at the door. He goes to the door, and opens it, and the snail says "well are you gonna let me talk this time?"
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@Gribnit said in Jokes Jokes Jokes:
Then his mom drives him to school.
Fucking heartless that woman...
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@Tsaukpaetra I've heard there are areas in the US where it is literally illegal to let a kid out of the house unsupervised, or off the property without the protection of a car's safety cage.
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@PleegWat said in Jokes Jokes Jokes:
@Tsaukpaetra I've heard there are areas in the US where it is literally illegal to let a kid out of the house unsupervised, or off the property without the protection of a car's safety cage.
I'd believe it....
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So this guy arrives on campus for his first day of college, and in the process of familiarizing himself with the notion of a "quad", comes upon a person in same, who is jumping up and down on a manhole cover, saying "21!" with each jump.
Intrigued, he asks this jumping fellow what he is doing.
(land) "Oh, just some 21s!". (jump) "21!" (land)
"What?"
"21s! Something to do with the football team, I think. It's fun!"
Further intrigued, and seeing an opportunity for social advancement, our guy asks if he can try it.
"Sure!
(jump) "21!" (scrape) (splash) (scrape)
(jump) "22!" (land) (jump) "22!"
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@Gribnit reminds me of the news crier peddling information about men who got swindled....
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As previously seen
https://what.thedailywtf.com/post/1742918
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@Tsaukpaetra said in Jokes Jokes Jokes:
@Gribnit reminds me of the news crier peddling information about men who got swindled....
They used that gag in
Johnny Dangerously
, didn't they?
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@hungrier said in Jokes Jokes Jokes:
As previously seen
https://what.thedailywtf.com/post/1742918Needs more autotune.
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So this sales guy is in Toronto for a presentation, and he decides to see the sights. And it being Toronto, he can accomplish this by visiting the CN tower. And, being a functioning alcoholic, he can also get a drink there.
He gets to the tower, goes up the elevator, and steps into a fabulously overpriced and slowly rotating bar, with only two other people in it, it being the middle of the day, and sits down next to the other customer. They may be able to be sold something, based on some quick thread-count estimates.
He's about to launch into the preliminaries for a spiel, but is preempted. "This is an amazing bar,", the regular begins, "amazing engineering. This whole bar spins in an air current, did you know that? There's no motor."
"And what's more, it's so such a strong updraft you can literally stand on it.", and he walks to a window, opens it, steps out, and hovers in thin air a moment before coming back to the bar.
The sales guy spills his drink, finishes the remainder, and orders another. Pounding the second drink, he gathers his courage, steps out the window, and falls 40 stories onto pavement where he explodes like a sack of raspberry jam.
The bartender gives the regular a disapproving look and says "You're a mean drunk, Superman."
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Two Roman commanders were tasked with conquering the Gauls.
One of them, Marcus Maximus, has vigorously trained his fighting men to within an inch of their lives. He thinks he is ready for any eventuality.
The other, more senior commander, goes by Brutus Quintus. He also has highly trained men under his command but he never goes anywhere without a unit of half-naked northern men painted blue. They are, in fact, a group of Pictish barbarians.On the morning of the battle Marcus Maximus charges forward and destroys the Gauls almost immediately. It is total supremacy on the battlefield and Brutus Quintus just watches it all happen silently without committing a single soldier to the battle.
The following morning the army awakes and there, through some sorcery, is the Gaul army untouched and waiting again for battle. Again Marcus Maximus leads his troops into the fight and wipes out the Gauls only to awaken the next morning to find them magically waiting again.
Five days running Marcus defeats the Gauls and yet each morning his victory is undone by the magics of the Gauls.
Finally on the sixth day Brutus Quintus lines up his troops with his Pictish barbarians in the vanguard. They charge into the Gauls wiping them out. The next morning Marcus Maximus awakens ready to taunt Brutus for his failure but there on the field of battle is all the evidence of the defeated Gauls. Somehow, Brutus Quintus has defeated the Gauls and their magic.
Marcus Maximus looks to Brutus Quintus and asks him, "How did you undo these magics."
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Brutus Quintus calmly replies, "Simple Marcus, you must understand that you need Picts or it didn't happen."
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@Applied-Mediocrity I feel that would be a bit too big to be meaningfully resized to emoji size.
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@Arantor that's what she said
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@Arantor said in Jokes Jokes Jokes:
@Applied-Mediocrity I feel that would be a bit too big to be meaningfully resized to emoji size.
It would work well at avatar size though...
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So, I have a buddy who is a prospector who identifies as non-binary. Just discovered gold on property bought last year. Apparently there really is gold in them/their hills!
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@boomzilla That this "joke" got 8 votes so far supports the theory that everyone's a Boomzilla alt.
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."
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@jinpa said in Jokes Jokes Jokes:
@boomzilla That this "joke" got 8 votes so far supports the theory that everyone's a Boomzilla alt.
Technically, that's an axiom, not a theory.
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What do you call the show where hard-of-hearing people tell jokes?
Deaf Comedy Jam
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How do you get to Martin Luther King Boulevard?
Take James Earl Ray Drive. It shoots right through the middle of it.
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@lolwhat Chicago has Martin Luther King Dr. in memory of Martin Luther King Jr. and I find it amusing.
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@Gustav said in Jokes Jokes Jokes:
@lolwhat Chicago has Martin Luther King Dr. in memory of Martin Luther King Jr. and I find it amusing.
The full name is Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial Dr.
Incidentally, there are 3 street names in Chicago that rhyme with "vagina".