I would like to unsubscribe from this trainwreck

The_Quiet_One

January 7, 2022

From: Salesperson
To: Me
Hello, quiet one!

We have a customer who is asking for a security audit report for the software. Could you provide us with one?

From: Me
To: Salesperson

That's best asked of the corporate Infosec department. They have a ticketing system for these kinds of requests here: [link]

From: Salesperson
To: Finance
Cc: Me

Copying the finance department. Can you help?

From: Finance
To: Me, Salesperson

I'll have quiet one answer. This is more in his department.

From: Me
To: Salesperson, Finance

Salesperson,

Go to this URL [link] and open a ticket with your request.

January 11, 2022

From: Salesperson
To: Me, Finance

Just following up on this. Can you provide the report, please?

From: Me
To: Salesperson

Did you open a ticket at [link] with the Infosec department?

From: Sales
To: Me

Yes. I wanted to know if you received it and are working on it.

From: Me
To: Salesperson

This is handled by the Infosec department. This is the development department. I would probably ask for a follow up with infosec@company.com

From: Salesperson
To: Me, Support

Copying the vice president of customer support. Could you assist?

Please advise.

From: Support
To: Me, Salesperson

Salesperson,

Please submit a ticket at [link] with your request. This is Infosec's responsibility.

From: Salesperson
To: Me, Support

We did submit a ticket but haven't gotten an update on it yet. Customer is asking as it is contingent on a sale. We need this ASAP.

From: Me
To: Salesperson

Please contact infosec@company.com with your request. They probably have received your ticket, but if you need it expediated for a sale they might be able to help.

January 12, 2022

From: Salesperson
To: Me, Finance

I would like to expediate the request for [customer] to get a security audit report. It's urgent, as we would like to close the deal before end of week.

Thanks

From: Finance
To: Me, Salesperson

Salesperson,

You need to contact infosec@company.com to make such a request. Alternatively you can submit a ticket at [link]

From: Salesperson
To: Me

And we're back where we started. Please advise on what to do. I need to have this done asap.

From: Me
Salesperson, Infosec

I'm copying Infosec.

Infosec, could you update Salesperson regarding the status of a ticket they sent last Friday regarding a security audit report for a customer prospect?

Thanks

From: Infosec
To: Salesperson, Me

Do you have a ticket number?

January 14, 2022

From: Salesperson
To: Me

It is now Friday. We have asked for a security audit report for a week and we haven't received as much as an update. Please advise. We are going to have to delay the close of sale because of this.

Thanks

From: Me
To: Salesperson

Ok. I think there is a lot of confusion here, so I'm going to make sure we're on the same page. This is the development department. I am not responsible for any security audit reports. They are held by our company's infosec department. I've asked you to email infosec@company.com to follow up on your ticket. They had previously asked you to provide them with a ticket number. Please respond to them with that. I am not at all involved with any customer requests for security audit reports. I don't need to be copied on any of these emails, this should all be handled between you and infosec@company.com.

Thank you

From: Salesperson
To: Me, Infosec

Hi.

Did you ask for a ticket number?

From: Infosec
To: Me, Salesperson

Yes. We cannot find any tickets submitted by your account.

From: Salesperson
To: Infosec, Me

Where can I find it?

From: Infosec
To: Salesperson, Me

You should have received an email when you submitted it. When was it submitted?

From: Salesperson
To: Infosec, Me

I never got anything, it looks like. Should I submit again?

From: Infosec
To: Salesperson, Me

Sure. We'll try to respond to it asap.

From: Salesperson
To: Infosec, Me

How do I submit?

From: Infosec
To: Me, Salesperson

Please go to [link]

January 17, 2022

From: Salesperson
To: Infosec, Me

Any updates, quiet one?

From: Me
To: Salesperson, Infosec

I am not involved, and I don't need to be in this email thread. This can all be handled between you and infosec.

From: Infosec
To: Salesperson, Me

Do you have a ticket number?

From: Salesperson
To: Infosec, Me

No.

From: Infosec
To: Salesperson, Me

Can you just tell me your request? Not sure why you can't send tickets. No errors when submitting?

From: Salesperson
To: Infosec, Me

I got an error.

From: Infosec
To: Salesperson, Me

What was the error?

From: Salesperson
To: Infosec, Me

I forget. Can you help me with the issue, so I can close the deal?

From: Infosec
To: Salesperson, Me

Please tell me your request.

January 18, 2022

From: Salesperson
To: Infosec, Me

It is in the ticket, but I'll repeat: We need a security audit report for [customer] as part of their sale closing.

From: Infosec
To: Salesperson, Me

Okay, we have different varieties of security audits. Do you recall which one you requested in the ticket and for which product, or which one the customer asked for?

From: Salesperson
To: Infosec, Me

It is for [my product].

From: Infosec
To: Salesperson, Me

Okay, I'm going to give you reports that we can freely dispense to customer prospects. I've attached them here.

From: Salesperson
To: Infosec, Me

Thank you. For the future, is there any way you can make this process easier? We have lots of customers asking for these kinds of reports for different product lines.

From: Infosec
To: Salesperson, Me

Why don't we schedule a call, and you can walk me through what you saw last time when you submitted a ticket.

From: Calendar
To: Infosec, Me, Salesperson

WebEx Meeting Invite
January 20, 2022 at 3pm

Required: You, Salesperson, Infosec

From: Me
To: Calendar

You have responded to the invite with DECLINE

From: Infosec
To: Me

Just saw you declined. Is there a better time?

From: Me
To: Infosec

I'm not needed on this call. In fact, can you just remove me from the email thread? I am not really involved with any of this stuff.

From: Infosec
To: Me

Sure! Sorry.

February 1, 2022

From: Salesperson
To: Me

Hi, quiet one,

I have another customer asking for a security audit report. Can you provide one to me by end of business today?

From: Me
To Salesperson

No.

HardwareGeek

@The_Quiet_One Salespeson needs to file a ticket with @Polygeekery

izzion

@The_Quiet_One
Really, next time we need to ~~start~~ stop a world war, we should just unleash the salesmen on the parties involved in the brewing conflict. They'll sign a military alliance to kill the salesmen, and it's just win-win all the way around.

Well, I suppose except for the salesmen's families. But omelette, eggs, etc.

The_Quiet_One

@izzion That's almost the plot of Space Quest II. Except the salesmen were more used as a weapon rather than a common enemy.

Steve_The_Cynic

@The_Quiet_One said in I would like to unsubscribe from this trainwreck:

Yes. I wanted to know if you received it and are working on it.

Your response here should have been slightly rude, but in a polite way, something like:

"Of course I didn't receive it. I am not part of Corporate Infosec. Please consult them and don't contact me again about this as I will not be able to help you."

The_Quiet_One

@Steve_The_Cynic Yeah. I used to be a lot more rude. Then one time I had a heart-to-heart with someone. So now I just scream into a pillow for a few minutes before responding.

Gribnit

@izzion said in I would like to unsubscribe from this trainwreck:

I suppose except for the salesmen's families.

Nits breed lice.

sh_code

@The_Quiet_One salesperson needs to file a tickez with whoever was amputating their brain. they removed almost all of it, but forgot to remove that lasz bit which allows salesperson to breathe and type brainless nonsense.

topspin

Me reading this:

Gąska

@sh_code said in I would like to unsubscribe from this trainwreck:

@The_Quiet_One salesperson needs to file a tickez with whoever was amputating their brain. they removed almost all of it, but forgot to remove that lasz bit which allows salesperson to breathe and type brainless nonsense.

Found QWERTZ user.

topspin

@Gąska

Gąska

@topspin German Master Race, you mean?

I heard of a guy like that...

BernieTheBernie

@Gribnit said in I would like to unsubscribe from this trainwreck:

@izzion said in I would like to unsubscribe from this trainwreck:

I suppose except for the salesmen's families.

Nits breed lice.

GribNits breed GribLice, then?

Gribnit

@BernieTheBernie said in I would like to unsubscribe from this trainwreck:

@Gribnit said in I would like to unsubscribe from this trainwreck:

@izzion said in I would like to unsubscribe from this trainwreck:

I suppose except for the salesmen's families.

Nits breed lice.

GribNits breed GribLice, then?

If you have a faster way to say to kill someone's entire family along with them I'd like to hear it. And "all one word" doesn't count, you need you do it in 3 or fewer syllables.

Shoreline

This is basically the I'm With Stupid comedy sketch format.