I recently moved to Australia. A country infamous for deadly things and internet that sucks. Surprisingly it doesn't exactly suck in the way I expected. I was prepared for slow speeds, outages and outrageous prices. I wasn't quite ready to deal with Telstra though...
For those unaware Telstra is the communications behemoth here. It used to be government-owned but it is now fully privatized, similar to BT in the UK. And Telstra fucking sucks!
Allow me to take you on a guided tour of me desperately trying to give Telstra money for something resembling an internet connection. This is rather long so strap in...
Day 1, Saturday
I call them up. After making my way through the phone menu which seemed like it was infinitely deep I finally reach a human being. Some guy, I don't remember his name but for the sake of it let's call him Dave. Surprisingly he sounded Australian, I was expecting to dial in India or something. Hell, maybe he was just really good at faking his accent.
In any case I explained to him my outrageous request: Internet at the place I'm moving in to on Tuesday. No contract lock-in (I'd rather pay A$120 fee up-front than the early termination fee on a 2 year contract).
First problem: Remember when I said I just moved to Australia? As a non-citizen I don't have any Australian ID. Dave has to discuss this with his supervisor.
After about 15 minutes of on-hold music torture he reappears. Apparently the problem is that due to a lack of ID they can't perform a credit check. This is a super-complex issue that his boss cannot solve either. More bosses and departments need to be involved. Back on hold...
30 more minutes later, we have a solution! To put their mind at ease credit-wise, all I have to do is pay A$100 up-front which will go towards my first bill payment. OK, that's fair enough.
Sadly it doesn't take long to hit another roadblock...
Second problem: Despite the house being empty there is still an active line here. The previous tenants didn't get it disconnected. Thanks to that I will have to email a proof of occupancy to the Proof of Documents department. I explain that I won't be signing the lease until Tuesday. Dave says it's not a problem, the process will simply be on hold until I do provide the proof. He informs me that an "interaction number" will be emailed to me in case I have any problems and get need to get back in touch. I thank him and he asks me to stay on the line to complete a satisfaction survey...
In a number from 0 to 9, how would you rate your Telstra interaction experience?
I mean it took a while but we got it sorted in the end: 7
In a number from 0 to 9, how likely would you be to recommend Telstra to your friends and family?
No real opinion yet: 5
Total estimated time on the phone: 3 hours
Side note
In the meantime I have developed a seething hatred for the previous tenants.
When inspecting the place I have neglected to check the AC filter and the oven in detail. That was a mistake because I have never seen this much grease in my life. They must have been organizing some deep-fried parties here or something...
I had to get a special oven cleaner that I'm pretty sure would be classed as a chemical weapon in the EU to remove the solid 5mm of grease from the oven.
The AC filter had to be soaked in an entire bottle of a dish washing liquid overnight (yes, I should have used something more powerful but that was all I had at the time and I underestimated just how much clogged up the thing was...).
They also haven't bothered setting up mail forwarding so I'm still getting their mail. Given the nature of the mail I suspect this was rather intentional on their part though. I haven't opened any of it but it's clear they are overdue bills. After RTSing a few loads the bills have stopped coming but have been replaced by nondescript white envelopes from various courts. I hope the bogans get their asses debt-collected.
Anyway, let's get back on topic...
Day 2, Sunday
I get my electricity and gas sorted out. It takes less than an hour and my non-Aussie passport was a perfectly valid form of ID here (as it was for the bank).
Remember the email Dave was supposed to send with the "interaction number"? Yeah, he never did do that... There is also no trace of that A$100 proof-of-credit on my card. Instead there is just a blocking charge of A$1. But I'm sure it'll work itself out!
Day 3, Monday
I get a text message along those lines in the morning:
Hi from Telstra. There is a credit issue with your account, call us on 123456.
I call the number. An automated system asks me to type in my phone number. Except I don't have one yet... Luckily it gives up after a minute and puts me through to some lady.
I do actually remember her name (though it may as well be fake for all I know) I don't want to single her out. So let's call her Michelle.
Michelle also demands a phone number. I tell her I don't have one. I don't have an order number either because Dave couldn't be bothered emailing me anything.
She explains that this is the Accounting department and that I called the wrong number then. I tell her I simply followed the instructions they have texted me and that I would like to know what this "credit issue" is.
Cue 30 minutes on hold...
She's back, apparently the order is on hold until I provide a proof of occupancy. OK, as expected but what's this "credit issue" I was texted about then?
On hold for 10 more minutes.
She gets back to me with the revelation that she simply has no idea. As far as she can see everything is OK, I just need to provide the proof of occupancy.
Survey time!
In a number from 0 to 9, how would you rate your Telstra interaction experience?
This is getting annoying: 5
In a number from 0 to 9, how likely would you be to recommend Telstra to your friends and family?
I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this company... 3
Total estimated time on the phone: 5 hours
Side note: Michelle does actually send me the interaction number.
Day 4, Tuesday
The lease has been signed. I scan it and mail it to Telstra.
Day 7, Friday
No news from Telstra. I'm getting impatient, especially because I will be away on business all next week so I ring them up to check up on the order.
Phone menu, annoying music, "Hi, this is Julia"... I ask what the state of my order is.
Julia: "Oh, it was cancelled."
Me: ""WHAT?! I called you on Monday and I was told it was just waiting on the proof of occupancy!"
Julia: "Oh, let me check."
On hold for 15 minutes...
Julia: "No, it was definitely cancelled because you didn't provide a proof of occupancy."
Me: "But I sent it Tuesday evening!"
Julia: "Sorry, you'll have to make another order."
FML... Fine. So we go through all the motions again. "Telstra Large Broadband bundle please. No contract lock-in please. Unit 15 25 Some Street."
And guess what, my ID is a problem once more. I tell her we've already been through this once and the solution is to pay A$100 up-front. Still, she's gotta check with the Credit department (I briefly wonder whether Telstra has an Ass-wiping department too).
Sigh, on hold for 15 minutes. At this point I catch myself humming the shitty on-hold music. I start worrying for my mental health...
"Yes, this is Julia, I'm still here."... Situation: Julia is on hold with the Credit department who are on hold with Fuck-Knows-What department (at this point I'm sure they have an Ass-wiping department). "Kindly stay on the line please."
On hold. 15 more minutes. Call drops.
Total estimated time on the phone: 6.5 hours
My coworkers start to wonder why I am desperately looking for something sharp to cut my wrists with. I explain my predicament.
A Telstra-savvy coworker reveals the secret: Call the Complaints department - the only department that is actually competent.
I suspect it's not necessarily because people in the other departments are idiots as it is with your average department having to consult 55 other departments before they are allowed to flush the toilet. The Complaints department will have a little bit more cloud in this regard. After all, they are here to protect the company from the word that causes absolute terror: the ombudsman.
They are so shit-scared of the Telecommunications Industry Ombudsman that when you google "telecommunications industry ombudsman" you get this:
So equipped with this knowledge I call them up again.
Apparently the best way to get through to them is to keep saying "complaint". The problem is that the system fights it!
Welcome to...
Complaint!
Sorry, I didn't...
Complaint!
Please select one of...
Complaint!
If you are calling...
Complaint!
Please enter the...
Complaint!
Please wait while we connect your call.
KL: "Complaints department, this is KL, how can I help you?" a woman asks.
Me: "Hi, I have spent 8 hours on the phone with your company and I feel like we got absolutely nowhere! I This has honestly been the worst experience in my life!," I answer.
KL: "I am very sorry sir, are you an existing customer?"
Me: "No, I am trying to become one."
I explain further my issue. She again says how sorry she is and that she will look into it. After I give her my details she finds the order put in by Julia and finally gives me a bloody order number.
KL: "So just to verify, it is Telstra Large Broadband, 24-month plan?"
Me: "No, month-to-month!"
I think KL can somehow sense just how royally pissed off I am and tells me that they will keep it a 24-month contract but waive the early termination fee should there be one. This means I also don't have to pay the A$130 for the casual plan fee. Hurrah, at least some good news! As this went on I realized it was a rather poor compensation though...
But now for some good news/bad news. The good news is I no longer need to provide a proof of occupancy. The bad news is that I no longer need to do that because suddenly no phone line exists at this property. It just up and vanished. And I will have to pay 200 bucks to have one installed.
I find this super odd and inquire as to why I was then asked on two separate occasions to provide a proof of occupancy, why am I getting Telstra bills for the previous tenant and whether the phone socket in the wall is just for decorative purposes.
KL says she will look into it and call me back! Holy shit, it's like we finally found somebody who realizes I have something better to do than spend hours listening to the same three shitty depressingly uplifting songs that permanently infect your brain. Fuck, even just writing this I started whistling one of them! And it was weeks since I last heard it!
Total estimated time on the phone: 7.5 hours
In any case, she calls me 15 minutes later. 15 minutes I actually spent working! I also learn that she's my case manager which makes me feel surprisingly happy.
So guess what, remember when I said my address was Unit 15 25 Some Street? Julia put that in as just 25 Some Street. Well that explains a lot...
So with the address corrected we're back to having a line but still being signed up to the previous tenant. We need the proof of occupancy again. I tell her I already emailed it to them on Tuesday. She tells me it's not on the record.
Unfortunately this is where she runs out of competencies and the Proof of Documentation department needs to be called. Time to play a game of Chinese whispers again... Or maybe not, KL employs some real wizardry and creates a teleconference between me, her and some guy at the POD department.
This guy has a ridiculously thick Indian accent. So far I've been dealing with people who either Australian or very good at holding back their accent (Julia). I don't remember what his name was but he had such a stereotypical accent it must have been Raj.
Raj: "Yes sirrrr, I can seeeee it on our rrrrecooords. But you have to call us on 123456 from the connected line so we can cancel it."
OK, so I guess they don't even know what line is connected? (I seriously hope they do and are just making sure they don't cut off the wrong person).
KL thanks him and he hangs up. Unfortunately this is where the wizardry turns against her. As soon as he does that the teleconference is hijacked by the bloody automated "rate your Telstra experience" crap!
In a number from 0 to 9, how would you rate your Telstra interaction experience?
KL: "Hello? Deadfa..."
In a number from 0 to 9, how would you rate your Telstra interaction experience?
KL: "...can you..."
In a number from 0 to 9, how would you rate your Telstra interaction experience?
KL: "I'll call you...
In a number from 0 to 9, how would you rate your Telstra interaction experience?
KL: "..back"
Total estimated time on the phone: 8.5 hours
KL calls back a minute later. We have a bit of a chuckle over this rate your experience thing but get back to business. She asks me when I can call the number Raj gave me. I tell her at 6pm because I won't be able to leave work earlier than that (may have to do something with being on the phone with Telstra all week instead of working).
She sounds surprised (I guess she figured I would have been fired by now) and tells me that she won't be at work until Monday at which point she'll call to check up on me. I tell her that I'll be away on a business trip so it may be a bit difficult to reach me and we hang up.
Total estimated time on the phone: 9 hours
I am finally about to leave work when I get a text message:
Dear JIN CHENG, please connect the phone socket of your new premises and call 123456 with the ref #987654321. Thank you for being with Telstra!
Well, thanks for the reminder but my name is not Jin fucking Cheng! In fact it couldn't be any more different!
As I drive back I briefly consider just smashing the car into a tree and ending this madness...
After getting home I plug in the borrowed phone (yeah, I had to actually borrow a handset from a coworker) and call the number. Some guy with slightly-less pronounced Indian accent answers. I give him my order number and he tells me everything should be sorted out.
I ask him why I just got a text message that called me Jin Cheng. He has no idea... I am starting to see a pattern here. Telstra's text messaging system clearly works on a completely different plane of existence.
Total estimated time on the phone: 9.5 hours
Day 10, Monday
KL calls me in the morning and tells me that everything should be connected by Thursday. That seems like a rather long time but I'm away from home all week so whatever, as long as it's done by Sunday it's all fine by me.
Total estimated time on the phone: 9.75 hours
Day 11, Tuesday
KL calls again, apparently the Disconnection department is having some issues with doing their fucking jobthe disconnection. For some reason they couldn't even explain to her they won't be able to disconnect the line until Monday. GRRRR and here I was hoping to return to a working internet, silly me...
Total estimated time on the phone: 10 hours
Day 17, Monday
Another call from KL in the morning. Good news, all is set! The line will be disconnected and all I have to do is call the BigPond connection department from the home line. Yay!
I get home, all excited. Pick up the phone, dial the number. A guy picks up and I give him all the details.
Guy: "I'm sorry sir, but it's showing you have two orders here."
Me: "Yes, but only one of them should be active, the other was cancelled"
Guy: *Type* *Type* *Type* "Oh yes, I see now"
Guy: "Hm, but I see there are two active lines at the premises. I cannot activate the internet until you get one of them disconnected. You have to call the Proof of Documentation department and.."
Me: "But I already did! My case manager, KL, called this morning and confirmed it would be disconnected!"
Guy: "I'm sorry but I can't do anything until it is disconnected. Let me see if I can find the number for your case manager here."
Guy: *Type* *Type* *Type*
Guy: "I'm sorry, I don't see her number anywhere here."
Me: "That's OK, thanks, I'll use one of those emails to request she gets in touch with me.
I hang up.
Total estimated time on the phone: 10.5 hours
Luckily my coworker works down the street and when the stars are aligned properly I catch a whiff of his WiFi from my bedroom. If it weren't for that I'd be much more upset. This allows me to get to my email inbox to find one of those emails they send you (unless they can't be bothered, right Dave?) with a link you can click to request a callback. In every single call I had with KL she recited this piece of script:
Please call me, I will call you. If you need to reach me please use the link in the email to request a callback and I will get back to you.
I find the most recent email from KL and click on the link.
Please Wait...
A minute later...
Sorry, we couldn't request the callback. Please call customer support.
I try every single other email from her with the same damned result.
Fine, whatever, it's late anyway so I'll try it in the morning.
Day 18, Tuesday
Try emails again, same bloody error.
Alright, let's contact "customer support" then...
Complaint! Complaint! Complaint! Complaint! Complaint! Complaint!
Some other lady picks up, let's say Teresa. So of course I have to explain in great detail every single damned thing once again.
Teresa: "OK, I will look into it and call you back."
Total estimated time on the phone: 11 hours
30 minutes later she calls back..
Teresa: "Everything should be fine sir, I called the Activation department and they were able to activate it."
Me: "Was that the same BigPond activation department I called yesterday where they told me the internet could not be activated?"
Teresa: "Yes."
Me: "So why couldn't they activate it then?"
Teresa: "The system probably wasn't updated yet."
Me: "OK, great. thanks..."
Total estimated time on the phone: 11.25 hours
And that was it! Now I finally have internet! Except for a minor incident...
Day 41, Thursday
It's evening, my phone rings.
Me: "Hello?"
Ramesh: "Hi, this Ramesh from Telstra, I'm calling about your order."
Me: "What order?!"
Ramesh: "You have a pending order here."
Me: "I didn't place any order."
Ramesh: "Sir, we need information so we can connect your line!"
Me: "I already have a line and I'm perfectly happy with how it is connected! Please just don't do anything with it!"
Ramesh: "The order here says you are waiting for a line to be connected."
Me: "Oh hang on, I know, it's for 25 Some Street, right?"
Ramesh: "Yes."
Me: "That order is for the wrong address, it was supposed to be cancelled."
Ramesh: "OK sir, I will cancel it then."
Me: "Please I beg you just don't touch my current line!"
Total estimated time on the phone: 11.5 hours
I'm still connected so hey, I guess they did leave it alone in the end!