The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨
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@Lorne_Kates said:
What's Homer Simpson's favorite
vegetablefruit?FTFY
Do you really think Homer knows the difference?
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IIRC Mr H. Simpsons' favorite snack of choice are doh-nuts. I let you argue among yourselves to decide if they are a vegetable, fruit or seed... whatever.
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I think that one would work better if it was a brothel.
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[1] every state feels the need to use a different name, like the way they can't agree on what to call "Driving Drunk" so it might be DWI, DUI, OVI, or something else.
At least in Maryland, we have both DWI and DUI. DWI is more serious then DUI.
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At least in Maryland, we have both DWI and DUI. DWI is more serious then DUI.
Indeed. Driving With Infants can lead to madness pretty fast.
Though the 900th repetition of the same children's song will carry you through the crazy into a kind of zen.
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I heard that Caesar also talked of himself in the 3rd person. Napoleon, too.
And Bob Dole.
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That looks like a county fair! Is the picture shopped?
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Caesar talked of Bob Dole? I'm impressed…
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Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes but no matches. How do they light their fags?
They throw one cigarette overboard. Now the whole boat is one cigarette lighter.
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Have you heard about the new Czech rapper?
His first album is called Bohemian Rap CD.
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there was blood everywhere!
"You mean a hemophiliac, son" I laughed.
laughed
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@obeselymorbid said:
laughed
Presumably about the
misspellingmispronunciation.Also, now I suspect you are the Blakeyrat's TL3 alt - he is usually dissecting the jokes and picking the nits out of them.
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Bad joke from Star Trek Voyager:
Q. A man's stranded on a desert island with no food, only a calendar. He survives for a full year until rescue arrives. What did he eat?
A. He tore up the calendar and ate the dates
A. (Alternative from Tuvok) He ate the sundaes
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now I suspect you are the Blakeyrat's TL3 alt
That would be fitting with how often he berates me/himself.
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I don't believe someone could survive for a year eating only dates and/or sundaes.
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51/52 sundaes for a year - probably not.
365/366 dates - not likely either.I mean, even the sufficiency of food is questionable, you were probably going for appropriateness of date-only diet.
@rc4, see this shit is contagious - kill me now before I start pedanting every joke.
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It doesn't seem to have any vitamins, but it does have a decent amount of potassium and sugars.
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Do we know if there's a local source of fresh water?
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Wouldn't the sundaes melt on a desert island?
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@Lorne_Kates said:
Wouldn't the sundaes
melt onmake it a dessert island?
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Wouldn't the sundaes
melt onmake it adessert islandweekend resort?
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If you have to resort to stranding yourself on an island to get away for the weekend, you have a serious work-life imbalance.
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If you have to resort to stranding yourself on an island to get away for the weekend, you have a serious work-life imbalance.
@Weng's probably booking his ticket as we speak.
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Here we call them "all inclusive". You check you kids in at the reception at the beginning of your stay.
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You check you kids in at the reception at the beginning of your stay.
Who needs that if you're surrounded by the ocean?
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My standard vacation strategy is "go racing" which involves camping out in minimally infrastructures fields with virtually no connectivity. This strategy is only partially successful.
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Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes but no matches. How do they light their fags?
They throw one cigarette overboard. Now the whole boat is one cigarette lighter.
Paging @Groaner...
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I said to my mate, "I saw a man get thrown under a bus today!"
He said, "Oh my God, was it moving?"
I said, "Well a few on-lookers were crying but I was fine."
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This is up there with the longest joke in the world. But at least I laughed at that one. +1.
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Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes but no matches. How do they light their fags?
They throw one cigarette overboard. Now the whole boat is one cigarette lighter.
Poor fags.
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@obeselymorbid said:
Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes but no matches. How do they light their fags?
They throw one cigarette overboard. Now the whole boat is one cigarette lighter.
Poor fags.
Fags on a boat. AKA: The Navy.
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week..
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Poor fags.
Faggots don't like it on my boat when I fire up the chainsaw and they realise they must have misheard "Game angling".
I didn't mean to post this here but since we are on this topic .
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I've seen this one in cartoon form. In French IIRC.
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I'm pretty sure I've seen it before. Just came across it last night on and felt like sharing.
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My local librarian died yesterday.
The council will be holding a minutes noise for her at 12pm today.
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I hate being bi-polar. It's awesome.
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My friends told me to stop singing Wonderwall.
I said maybe.
Well, hopefully by now you should have somehow realized what you had to do.
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@anonymous234 said:
I don't believe that anyone would get that.My friends told me to stop singing Wonderwall.
I said maybe.
Well, I hopefully by now you should have somehow realized what you had to do.
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My doctor told me that if I want to stay healthy, I need to keep away from trans fats.
[spoiler]So I closed my tumblr account.[/spoiler]
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Q: How do you keep a Belgian person busy for a long time?
A: [spoiler]Put him in a round room and tell him there's a sack of fries in the corner.[/spoiler]
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a sack of fries in the corner.
Where? I've been looking ... they are turning cold ...
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Q: How do you keep a Dutch person busy for a long time?
A: [spoiler]Write "look at the other side" on both sides of a €5 bill and give it to him.[/spoiler]