Lotus Notes



  • I have to support some Lotus Notes applications at work. Yes, I know it's a heap of shit - I'm killing it, one database at a time. Today, I had to look at the official documentation. It's demented:

    Specifying the column number

    <FONT size=2>To specify a columnNumber parameter, you count the view columns from left to right, with the leftmost column being column number 1. Because of the way that Lotus Domino indexes views, however, not every column is counted for the lookup.</FONT>

    <FONT size=2>Use the following method to calculate the column number for lookup purposes:</FONT>

    <FONT size=2>1. Count the columns in the view, from left to right. Look at the view in design mode to make sure that you see all the columns, including columns used for sorting or categorizing the view.</FONT>

    <FONT size=2>2. Discount all columns that display a constant value, such as "Submitted by:" or 32. If a column contains a formula that happens to return the same result for every document, it is not considered a "constant", so be sure to include it in your column count.</FONT>

    <FONT size=2>3. Discount all columns that consist solely of the following @functions: @DocChildren, @DocDescendants, @DocLevel, @DocNumber, @DocParentNumber, @DocSiblings, @IsCategory, @IsExpandable.</FONT>

    <FONT size=2>4. Now recount the columns, working from left to right.</FONT>

    <FONT size=2>This revised column number is the value to specify in the lookup formula.</FONT>

    <FONT size=2>If you specify a non­existent column, you don't get an error, but rather a null value.</FONT>

    <FONT size=2>

    </FONT>



  •  Paging yellow guy.... cleanup on aisle 4Q!



  • @nosliwmas said:

    Specifying the column number

    To specify a columnNumber parameter, you count the view columns from left to right, with the leftmost column being column number 1. Because of the way that Lotus Domino indexes views, however, not every column is counted for the lookup.

    Use the following method to calculate the column number for lookup purposes:

    1. Count the columns in the view, from left to right. Look at the view in design mode to make sure that you see all the columns, including columns used for sorting or categorizing the view.

    2. Discount all columns that display a constant value, such as "Submitted by:" or 32. If a column contains a formula that happens to return the same result for every document, it is not considered a "constant", so be sure to include it in your column count.

    3. Discount all columns that consist solely of the following @functions: @DocChildren, @DocDescendants, @DocLevel, @DocNumber, @DocParentNumber, @DocSiblings, @IsCategory, @IsExpandable.

    4. Now recount the columns, working from left to right.

    This revised column number is the value to specify in the lookup formula.

    If you specify a non­existent column, you don't get an error, but rather a null value.

    I knew Lotus Notes was shit (used it every day for 10 years) but holy fuck!!!!  How does anyone even think up shit like that?  Lotus, you just exploded my brain.




  • @El_Heffe said:
    @nosliwmas said:
    Specifying the column number

    To specify a columnNumber parameter, you count the view columns from left to right, with the leftmost column being column number 1. Because of the way that Lotus Domino indexes views, however, not every column is counted for the lookup.

    Use the following method to calculate the column number for lookup purposes:

    1. Count the columns in the view, from left to right. Look at the view in design mode to make sure that you see all the columns, including columns used for sorting or categorizing the view.

    2. Discount all columns that display a constant value, such as "Submitted by:" or 32. If a column contains a formula that happens to return the same result for every document, it is not considered a "constant", so be sure to include it in your column count.

    3. Discount all columns that consist solely of the following @functions: @DocChildren, @DocDescendants, @DocLevel, @DocNumber, @DocParentNumber, @DocSiblings, @IsCategory, @IsExpandable.

    4. Now recount the columns, working from left to right.

    This revised column number is the value to specify in the lookup formula.

    If you specify a non­existent column, you don't get an error, but rather a null value.

    I knew Lotus Notes was shit (used it every day for 10 years) but holy fuck!!!!  How does anyone even think up shit like that?  Lotus, you just exploded my brain.

    Re-shit-ified that for you.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @nosliwmas said:

    [Lotus Notes is] demented:
    Sure is. It counts columns from 1, the weirdos!



  • @dkf said:

    @nosliwmas said:
    [Lotus Notes is] demented:
    Sure is. It counts columns from 1, the weirdos!

    Counting from zero is evil. All it takes is a single time counting from zero and you could find yourself counting from negative numbers, real numbers and even imaginary numbers! It's a gateway enumeration.

    Not only that, but the penalties for being caught counting from zero might include being fired from your job, fines and even imprisonment. So, please, repeat after me: Not even zeronce.



  • Excel counts rows from 1.

    Also, it clears undo stack on save. Please do not levity, forum is serious business.



  •  You can't make this shit up.



  • @dhromed said:

    You can't make this shit up.
    Probably not on your own, but a design committee?



  • You had me at "Lotus Notes"



  • Lotus Notes: (How it really works):

    <font size="2">Use the following method to calculate the column number for lookup purposes:</font>

    1) Count the columns in the view from left to right. Remember they start at 1.

    2) Use that number to index the column.

    3) find you get incorrect results, then remember to redo step 1&2 in design view.

    4) WTF? still incorrect results, remember that there are some columns that don't get counted.

    5) Write a test routine that prints out every column from index_i_thought_it_was - 5 to index_i_thought_it_was +5.

    6) Use the index that looks about the best.

     



  • @RichP said:

    Lotus Notes: (How it really works):

    <font size="2">Use the following method to calculate the column number for lookup purposes:</font>

    1) Count the columns in the view from left to right. Remember they start at 1.

    2) Use that number to index the column.

    3) find you get incorrect results, then remember to redo step 1&2 in design view.

    4) WTF? still incorrect results, remember that there are some columns that don't get counted.

    5) Write a test routine that prints out every column from index_i_thought_it_was - 5 to index_i_thought_it_was +5.

    6) Use the index that looks about the best.

     

    Plus 1! Sounds like you're recounting from experience.



  • As a member of the support team who generally does Lotus Notes
    issues, I kept running into stupid, stupid Lotus Notes WTF's. Only
    recently have I started writing them down as a method of venting.

    Note:
    I work at a large company with many different satellite links that make
    some of these WTF's more obvious then normal. Many links respond above
    1000ms ping and have a poor throughput.

    The release of Lotus Notes
    (8.5.3, October 2011) brought a brand new feature: The ability to be
    notified about receiving new email by "Sliding in a Summary", a
    notification that rolls in at the bottom right of the screen, then rolls
    out. Revolutionary, right? Pretty sure that wasn't done more then a
    Previously, the only options were a pop-up for Every. Single. Email.
    that would steal focus from your current program (Lotus Notes could not
    be used until the popup was dismissed, See Multitasking), or no
    notification at all.

    • If you're using a Local Replica, it
      doesn't work. You can still enable the option, but you won't get a
      notification. Normal local replicas work off synchronizing off a
      schedule (say, every 5 minutes it will download new mail and upload
      objects in the outbox). Managed local replicas however work from push
      notification, so when you receive a new email on the server, the mail is
      pushed to your local replica's inbox, which receives it instantly...
      Yet the notification still doesn't show. Fan-fucking-tastic. Bonus WTF?
      The Pop-up method works for both. Honestly, even for Lotus Notes, that's
      just bad.
    • The new option doesn't seem to work at all for new
      emails while on a local replica, but it sure as hell works for the
      Calendar (Which is also on the Local Replica), where it slides in a
      summary letting you know when a Meeting/Appointment starts. Nice
      feature, but the option I activated was specifically for Mail (File
      -> Preferences, Mail -> Sending and Receiving), and Calendar has
      no option at all for notices (None that I can see under File ->
      Preferences, Calendar), and wasn't doing that before I activated the
      option. So for those keeping score, the preference that specifies mail
      to display a notification at the bottom right doesn't work on local
      replicas, but will activate a hidden calendar feature that does work.


    Your
    Location hosts a ton of configuration settings to support the ability
    to switch from "Work Mode" to "At Home Mode" or what-have-you. This is
    accessed by clicking the Location Button at the bottom right of the
    screen. Your mail file also has it's own preferences ("More" button on
    mailfile -> Preferences), and ofcourse, Lotus Notes itself has its
    own "master" preferences dialog(File -> Preferences), as well as user
    preferences (File -> Security -> User Security). Want to change
    the browser which is opened by clicking links? Enjoy trying to find it.

    • Speaking
      of, the setting for the Browser change is actually in the Location
      document, which I would think is the last place to look for it. This
      defaults to IE (On Windows), even though my default browser isn't IE.
      You can't even change it to use the default browser specified by the OS.


    Email
    rules are created and followed in a very simple approach, and work as
    you'd expect. However, deleting a rule causes problems. From what I can
    guess, when you delete a rule that's set to "Enabled", it deletes the
    entry for that rule, but most of the time it's still applied. So the
    user continues to say, forward a copy of all emails received to another
    user, even though no rule exists anymore for it. The fix? Create a new
    rule, and disable it.

    • Also, mailbox rules aren't applied
      after creating/editing them, the mailbox needs to be closed and opened
      on the users machine after creating rules for the rules to take effect.
    • Just
      found out something hilarious: The actual mail file rule (As in, the
      scripting that processes mail to see if it matches a rule) is stored in
      the user's calendar profile, completely seperate from their mail
      profile.


    If it cannot reach a server, it will pop up
    with a really good error message explaining the problem and briefly
    telling the user exactly what to do (File->Preferences, Notes
    Ports->Trace, Enter server name, Trace). If the user following those
    instructions and starts a Trace operation and the Trace operation itself
    cannot find the server entered, it will pop up with the same error
    message.

    • Despite the WTF above, the Trace operation
      solves the problem 95% of the time, and is very quick. Yet IBM still
      feels the user should start this process manually, instead of just
      automatically testing for it in the background should a server not be
      found.
    • Also, the usefullness of the error message is immediantly
      countered by a Multitasking issue: The error message holds all focus
      for Lotus Applications. You can't use Lotus Notes while the error
      message is still alive, and you can't copy the contents of the error
      message out onto Notepad or something. You've just got to hit "OK",
      watch the really helpful instructions fade away, then try to remember
      them. Same for every other error message, but they're all useless
      anyway.


    Multitasking. It's been around for a while.
    Lotus Notes supports it, but still can't get it right. If you
    automatically schedule your mail to be archived, it will be done
    automatically at that time in the background, with only the status bar
    at the bottom letting you know items are being archived. Seemless and
    out-of-the-way. If you try to start an archive yourself (Either by
    following the rules set up, or choosing specific pieces of mail and
    archiving those), Lotus notes effectively freezes, Popping up a progress
    bar in an new window (The progress bar itself being a WTF), and to top
    it off, Windows will start throwing "Lotus Notes is not responding"
    messages at you should you try to do anything 10 seconds into the
    archive, should it be a major one. After the archive is finished, it'll
    resume as normal. There is no option at all to manually run an archive
    operation using the background archiver. It's there, but you can't use
    it.

    • The exact behavior also happens to creating/syncing Replicas of Mail files/Mail-in Databases.
    • Only one instance of Lotus Notes can be open at the same time per user. On it's own, this isn't a WTF, but...
    • Lotus
      Notes, Domino Administrator (Which is the Lotus Notes admin tool which
      LN Administrator and Service Desk use), and Domino Designer (For
      creating/editing Lotus Notes agents, applications...) all use the same
      Windows Processes. However, the moment when one of them throws an error,
      the best case scenario is all three close down. Most of the time, one
      will close down from the error, and the other two will go unresponsive
      as they're waiting on a Windows Process that's been closed down.
    • Sharing
      the same Processes/Threadpool/Whatever also has a Significant drawback:
      If I'm archiving manually or Replicating manually, the Designer and
      Admin clients also go into non-responding. If I can't work on one, all
      three freeze up. For whatever reason, Sametime, the Lotus Notes instant
      Messenger, still works fine. So points there, I guess.




  • @Adanine said:

    ..."Lotus Notes is not responding"...

    bridget99 was on the Lotus Notes team? That explains so much.

    @Adanine said:

    For whatever reason, Sametime, the Lotus Notes instant
    Messenger, still works fine.

    Am I the only one who is amused by the name "Sametime" given the behavior of the rest of Lotus Notes? It's like "Hey, you can actually use this application at the same time you do something else! It's a 21st century miracle!"



  • @Adanine said:

    The release of Lotus Notes
    (8.5.3, October 2011) brought a brand new feature: The ability to be
    notified about receiving new email by "Sliding in a Summary", a
    notification that rolls in at the bottom right of the screen, then rolls
    out. Revolutionary, right? Pretty sure that wasn't done more then a
    Previously...
    Incomplete sentence that I didn't notice until just now.

    I was trying to say that this should not have taken so long for it to come out. Not sure about outlook, but I know MSN/Windows Live/Friggin' Windows Messenger could do this a decade ago.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @Adanine said:
    For whatever reason, Sametime, the Lotus Notes instant
    Messenger, still works fine.

    Am I the only one who is amused by the name "Sametime" given the behavior of the rest of Lotus Notes? It's like "Hey, you can actually use this application at the same time you do something else! It's a 21st century miracle!"

    No no no.

    In order to use this application, you will need to pump both foot pedals and turn the little crank at the Sametime.



  • @Ben L. said:

    Filed under: Where the fuck is that yellow guy

    Huh?



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @Ben L. said:
    Filed under: Where the fuck is that yellow guy

    Huh?

    You've missed so much



  • Morbs posted in that thread.

    He just has retrograde amnesia I guess.



  • @blakeyrat said:

    He just has retrograde amnesia I guess.

    The technical term is "alcoholism".

    Wow, I never saw everything that happened in that thread.. that was during the 11 months out of the year I am in rehab working. I will now have to re-read that entire thread.



  • You're in for a treat because there's some great Blakeyrat in there!


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @Adanine said:

    So for those keeping score, the preference that specifies mail
    to display a notification at the bottom right doesn't work on local
    replicas, but will activate a hidden calendar feature that does work.

    Reading that makes my life seem so much better. We have a fail of a Sharepoint system (Come on MS! What is a collation key?! When was that concept invented?) but it at least it isn't tied in to my actual day-to-day work practices. Sometimes, I can go nearly a week without touching either it or the WTF-y systems it is supposed to replace!



  • @blakeyrat said:

    You're in for a treat because there's some great Blakeyrat in there!

    You know, if you think about it, IBM was paying that guy, in the same way a dude who strangles hookers with their own panties pays a homicide detective.

    I've made it to the 4th page. So far the best part was the Drew Carey intro. That was a pretty good show.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @blakeyrat said:
    You're in for a treat because there's some great Blakeyrat in there!

    You know, if you think about it, IBM was paying that guy, in the same way a dude who strangles hookers with their own panties pays a homicide detective.

    I've made it to the 4th page. So far the best part was the Drew Carey intro. That was a pretty good show.

    Wow. Done. I need a cigarette.

    My favorite part: "You photoshop is bad and you should feel bad." I can't explain why, it just was.

    I want to bring that guy back. He would be a good regular.



  • Click your heels three times and mention Lotus Notes on Twitter and your dream may come true! ... in 2 weeks when his Notes-powered RSS reader finally picks up the topic.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @Adanine said:
    ..."Lotus Notes is not responding"...

    bridget99 was on the Lotus Notes team? That explains so much.

    @Adanine said:

    For whatever reason, Sametime, the Lotus Notes instant
    Messenger, still works fine.

    Am I the only one who is amused by the name "Sametime" given the behavior of the rest of Lotus Notes? It's like "Hey, you can actually use this application at the same time you do something else! It's a 21st century miracle!"

    "Sametime" sounds like some kind of obnoxious TSR program, like Dosshell, "Sideways," or Borland Sidekick.



  • @bridget99 said:

    @morbiuswilters said:
    @Adanine said:
    ..."Lotus Notes is not responding"...

    bridget99 was on the Lotus Notes team? That explains so much.

    @Adanine said:

    For whatever reason, Sametime, the Lotus Notes instant
    Messenger, still works fine.

    Am I the only one who is amused by the name "Sametime" given the behavior of the rest of Lotus Notes? It's like "Hey, you can actually use this application at the same time you do something else! It's a 21st century miracle!"

    "Sametime" sounds like some kind of obnoxious TSR program, like Dosshell, "Sideways," or Borland Sidekick.


    I used sametime once and later company decided to go for WIndows Messenger since sametime licenses were more expensive at the time. Windows messenger offering same abilities at less price.



  • [Morbs enters IBM store]

    Morbs: Hello, I would like to return this IBM car that I purchased.

    IBM: Of course, sir, I'd be happy to help you. Which model is it now?

    Morbs: It's the Lotus Notes*. See, it doesn't work and I feel I've already sunk so much money into trying to make it work, so I'd like to get back whatever I can.

    IBM: Well, sir, I must say I'm shocked. Notes is our highest-priced model. And it's not just a car--

    Morbs: Come again?

    IBM: I said it's not just a car: it's a mobile engine and frame solution.

    Morbs: ...... But don't all cars have engines? I mean, deep down, that's just a thing that cars have.

    IBM: But you can do so much more with your Notes engine--

    Morbs: --Like?

    IBM: Like, you can hook a belt up to the crankshaft and connect it to a threshing machine. Threshing hay has never been so easy!

    Morbs: Do people still thresh?

    IBM: Also, the exhaust manifold gets hot enough that you can fry eggs on it!

    Morbs: When.. when would I need to fry eggs on my car? Plus wouldn't the eggs come out tasting like ass?

    IBM: That's a misconfiguration.

    Morbs: A misconfiguration?

    IBM: If your eggs come out tasting like used motor oil, that's a misconfiguration. Surely whoever set up your car included a skillet?

    Morbs: A skillet? Why? It's a goddamn car. What the hell are you talking about!?

    IBM: Did I mention that your engine is a terrific source of carbon monoxide?

    Morbs: That seems like a bad thing.

    IBM: Oh, no, although I could see how you'd come to think that if you'd experienced the carbon monoxide of our competitors. See, our carbon monoxide is 20% more lethal because of all the depleted uranium that sloughs off the piston rings and ends up in the exhaust! It's a fantastic way to commit suicide!

    Morbs: I don't want to commit suicide, I just want to return your crappy car and get my money--

    IBM: Most of the Nazi death camps used carbon monoxide gas to exterminate prisoners.

    Morbs: What???

    IBM: People associate Zyklon-B with the Holocaust, but it was only used in Auschwitz and Majdanek. The other death camps used crudely-built gas chambers which were connected to the exhaust of an automobile engine. That's how most of the Jews died.

    Morbs: Why are you telling me this, IBM?

    IBM: I just want to make sure you get the most out of your Notes. Has your IBM-approved automotive consultant introduced you to our social media integration features?

    Morbs: That's another thing I wanted to talk about. Mat's costing me more than the payments on the car itself! My last car was a Honda and I never had to hire a full-time employee just to maintain it for me, because, well, it was a Honda. Sometimes I took it to get the oil changed or to a mechanic when the dashboard light came on, but otherwise it just worked.

    IBM: You know, Honda's not perfect.

    Morbs: I never said it was.

    IBM: We had a Notes customer--a woman--and she decided to trade it in and get a Honda. Two weeks later the cops found her gang-raped corpse.

    Morbs: The hell--

    IBM: It was probably blacks. You know how they are. They probably listened to hip-hop the entire time they were taking turns gang-raping her.

    Morbs: For fuck's sake, IBM, I can't believe I'm hearing this!

    IBM: Eh, none of them buy from us anyway. Not until IBM starts accepting food stamps, at least. [winks in a way that makes me distinctly uncomfortable]

    Morbs: What the hell does any of that have to do with Hondas?

    IBM: Isn't it obvious? If she'd stuck with Notes she never would have been able to leave the safety of her own driveway!



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    Morbs: It's the Lotus Notes*.
     

    That takes me back!



  • @Zemm said:

    @morbiuswilters said:

    Morbs: It's the Lotus Notes*.
     

    That takes me back!


    Indeed, I'll remember that tune until the day I die


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