"Foosball Coordinator" on The Covenant



  • I've never written a movie review, but The Covenant inspired me to finally write one. So I went on over to Yahoo! Movies only to find a reviewer who captured exactly what I wanted to say, only much better. No point in trying to add to that, but there was one thing he noticed about the movie that I didn't: the crew credits included a Foosball Coordinator.

    Now I truly believe that this movie qualifies as a Sidebar WTF in and of itself, but it was this particular bit that inspired me to share it here. The rest of the review is well written, so I'll just share it here as well ...

    One of the crew credits on this movie is "Foosball Coordinator." That's right, table soccer organizer. That's the film in a nutshell right there. No one who worked on this movie knew what they were doing -- not the actors who'd have to be twice as good to be called "wooden," not the writer who couldn't make any of the plot points he himself invented become relevant, not the director who couldn't set a mood if his life depended on it, not even the cinematographer who couldn't make a naturally gothic Northeastern landscape look remotely spooky.

    There is a scathing review waiting to be written about this movie, about how kids with godlike powers use them to go to lame parties, cheat at pool and try to impress girls. About how very, very homoerotic the movie is and how it would have been so much better if the producers had just embraced that and camped it up. About how an early chase scene in a Hummer (I'd say it was the first time a Hummer's been driven off-road in North America, but the paths through those woods were wide enough to have their own zip code) is only there as a Hummer ad and even then the Hummer only barely doesn't roll over. That review's waiting, but I won't be the one to write it.

    This movie wasn't bad -- it didn't try hard enough to even qualify as bad. It was just inept, facile, another product crapped out by the studio system. You can't even get all MST3K on it because there's nothing there to jump on. Is it worse than staring at a blank screen for 100 minutes? No. Is it significantly different than staring at a blank screen for 100 minutes? I don't know if I can say yes.

    -- dondeedly

     

    And yes, the Real WTF is that I saw this movie. To my credit, it was a free pre-screening and I committed to going before seeing any previews of it. But last time that happens. I want my 100 minutes back.



  • Is it worse than MI:III? (Not that I really expect anyone to have seen both movies... most people learn from mistakes)



  • Once I won tickets to see Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

    The guy beside me won a prize pack which contained - among other things - a book. That's right. He won a book based off a movie which was a sequel to a movie based off a video game.

    I'm not really sure what the worst movie I've ever seen was.



  • @themagni said:

    Once I won tickets to see Resident Evil: Apocalypse.
    (...)
    I'm not really sure what the worst movie I've ever seen was.

    I've seen RE: Apocalypse and IMO it was not that bad. Just fast-paced, mindless mayhem.



  • @ammoQ said:

    @themagni said:
    Once I won tickets to see Resident Evil: Apocalypse.
    (...)
    I'm not really sure what the worst movie I've ever seen was.

    I've seen RE: Apocalypse and IMO it was not that bad. Just fast-paced, mindless mayhem.

    I took a friend to see RE: Apocalypse. Somehow we're still friends, probably because I apologize for it every few weeks just to show that I deeply regret such a mistake. Of course there are worse movies, but this one was so much unlike the original that it seemed like it had nothing to do with the first one.

    When Milla ran down the side of the building, I almost walked out of the theater. No lie.



  • @Manni said:

    I took a friend to see RE: Apocalypse. Somehow we're still friends, probably because I apologize for it every few weeks just to show that I deeply regret such a mistake. Of course there are worse movies, but this one was so much unlike the original that it seemed like it had nothing to do with the first one.



    You are right, they are two very different movies. RE:A seems like a movie made from a first-person-shooter like Quake. Since I've seen RE:A before I saw the original on DVD, I didn't mind; in fact, I was a bit disappointed about the original.



  • @themagni said:

    I'm not really sure what the worst movie I've ever seen was.


    I am one of the few people that has seen Speed 2.  Now that was a bad movie.



  • @rmr said:

    @themagni said:
    I'm not really sure what the worst movie I've ever seen was.


    I am one of the few people that has seen Speed 2.  Now that was a bad movie.


    It was on basic cable the other night.  It was horrible!  But i did sit and watch the whole thing.  I just couldnt turn it off.



  • @Manni said:

    @ammoQ said:

    @themagni said:
    Once I won tickets to see Resident Evil: Apocalypse.
    (...)
    I'm not really sure what the worst movie I've ever seen was.

    I've seen RE: Apocalypse and IMO it was not that bad. Just fast-paced, mindless mayhem.

    I took a friend to see RE: Apocalypse. Somehow we're still friends, probably because I apologize for it every few weeks just to show that I deeply regret such a mistake. Of course there are worse movies, but this one was so much unlike the original that it seemed like it had nothing to do with the first one.

    When Milla ran down the side of the building, I almost walked out of the theater. No lie.



    Come on, you went to see a movie based on a video game known for some of the worst voice-over work ever and you got uppity about it? Were you expecting Citizen Kane?

    I like Apocalypse better than the first one simply because the first movie tried to be something other than a movie based on a campy video game (and came off as a pretty generic zombie film, done before and better by Romero).

    sincerely,
    Richard Nixon



  • @rmr said:

    @themagni said:
    I'm not really sure what the worst movie I've ever seen was.


    I am one of the few people that has seen Speed 2.  Now that was a bad movie.


    I was trying to decide between Master of Disguise, Tuck Everlasting, and Die Another Day. I...uh...I saw all of those in the theater. RE:A isn't in my top 10 "worst movies", no matter how misleading my previous post is.



  • Nixon, you never fail to deliver the laughs.

    No, I wasn't expecting anything worthy of IMDB's top 100. Just a movie that wasn't completely off the charts ridiculous. The first one required suspending your disbelief, much like any zombie movie (which I agree Romero can never be topped). But I thought it was cool for presenting a team of normal, non-superhuman MERCs and dropping them in a situation they couldn't comprehend. 

    The second one...where do I start.

    The guy jumping from a chopper and killing a dozen zombies with head shots as he's falling. The Valentine chick discharging her firearm inside a police building although there were plenty of cops who could simply unlock the cuffs on the unfunny token black guy. Milla suddenly appearing with a cig that she flicks perfectly in time to ignite the gas, despite never showing signs of a smoking habit or any knowledge of the gas plan. 50 zombies suddenly popping out of the ground just when our heroine and her troop happen to be walking over it...most of whom she dispatches with over-stylized acrobatics. Milla dropping her gun, then grabbing it before it hits the ground and shooting a few guards. Too many instances of people appearing like they're firing at a friendly target and WHEW they were just aiming at a zombie 6 inches behind them.

    I know you can pick apart either one, but everything about the second one was so totally over the top that I missed half the movie because I kept rolling my eyes.



  • BTW, has anybody seen the Star Wars Christmas Special (made for TV in 1978 or so)?
    It is so exceptionally bad that you must see it to believe than anything that bad can even exist.



  • @CodeWhisperer said:

    @ammoQ said:
    BTW, has anybody seen the Star Wars Christmas Special (made for TV in 1978 or so)?
    It is so exceptionally bad that you must see it to believe than anything that bad can even exist.

    I have the soundtrack on CD...make of that what you will.

    -cw


    Did you buy it yourself? Or was this a well-meant present from aunt Tilly?



  • [quote user="ammoQ"]Did you buy it yourself? Or was this a well-meant present from aunt Tilly?[/quote] 


    A friend; once in a while I do a radio show that specializes in the oddball and foolish, it fits right in.

    Ah, the  relaxing strains of "What do you get a Wookie for Christmas (when he already has a comb)"; or a young Jon Bon Jovi singing as part of the choir on "R2 D2 we wish you a Merry Christmas"

    Now that's good listenin...

    -cw
    (my ears!  the goggles do nothing!)


  • [quote user="Alex Papadimoulis"]

    And yes, the Real WTF is that I saw this movie.

    [/quote]

    I paid to see it. I had a number of reasons, but the foremost was: my wife wanted to see it, and she's seven and a half months pregnant, so she gets whatever the hell she wants.

    Then we went home and watched Final Destination 3 on pay per view. Which was my idea, so I guess you can abuse me for that half of it. At least my choice of shitty movie only wasted $4 instead of $14.

    But the final two sentences of that review are perfectly accurate: "Is it significantly different than staring at a blank screen for 100 minutes? I don't know if I can say yes." The movie is not good, but neither is it bad, and while I would normally say the movie was "just there"... I can't even say that. It was simply vacant, from end to end. I wouldn't even call it homoerotic; that would have been something.

    My overall sense of this film was that they didn't have enough time. The storyline would have made a good two or three seasons of creepy-but-wholesome television on the WB, for people who think Dawson's Creek and Everwood are for fags... yet aren't quite edgy enough to handle Buffy and Angel reruns. Eric Raymond has described this sort of storyline as "pretty people behaving stupidly", which is generally accurate. And to utterly cement the stupidity of this film: a television series would probably have been more popular and made more money.

    Someone once said of last year's Stealth that Hollywood had "squeezed out a little cinematic turd", and I keep finding more and more movies for which this is an apt description.

     


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