Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!
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This is the craziest way of selling database consulting I've ever seen.
All your worries are through! Until you spend lots of money on a database consultant and he walks through the door in Ronald McDonald shoes, a metal chest plate, Geordi LaForge goggles and a cape. Then I think your worries are only beginning.
Well. At least he's wearing clothes. Unlike that cat-dude. *shudder*
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@blakeyrat said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
he's wearing clothes. Unlike that cat-dude. shudder
Are you worried you'll be too distracted or something?
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@Tsaukpaetra the cat dude is their software, so it doesn't really need clothes
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OMG. I plussed a post by blakeyrat. Am I losing my mind? Did I get mild? What's happening to the world?
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@blakeyrat Could be worse.
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@boomzilla I was expecting this image:
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@Buddy Well, it's not wrong.
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The Percona guys know their shit. Or, at least, when I spoke to them a few years back, they knew their shit. The core tech people there also literally wrote the book on MySQL - Baron Schwartz et al's 'High Performance MySQL' which also happens to explain all the innards and how the shit actually works in a way mortals can understand.
Though there's been some people changes, but they certainly used to know their shit - and they have a fork of MySQL they maintain too.
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@Arantor Which of those characters do they dress like?
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@blakeyrat none of them, at least then.
I assume some radiation or something leaked out of a server.
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Oh my. I went to laugh at the silly superheroes and found this:
Percona’s suite of MySQL and MongoDB software and toolkits are a powerhouse of performance, the backbone of the organization – they show unparalleled strength and dependability, with endurance to boot. As a product of the open source community, our software has been tested by fire and proven resilient.
MongoDB and dependability?
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@dkf that does require superpowers
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@dkf fuck me they got on the crazy train :(
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@dkf said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
Oh my. I went to laugh at the silly superheroes and found this:
Percona’s suite of MySQL and MongoDB software and toolkits are a powerhouse of performance, the backbone of the organization – they show unparalleled strength and dependability, with endurance to boot. As a product of the open source community, our software has been tested by fire and proven resilient.
MongoDB and dependability?
I recently ran across someone who asked if they could use MongoDB in a financial setting.
I then got yelled at for suggesting that said database might not be such a wise idea for that purpose.
One day later, in the same forum, someone asked for help because his MongoDB instance had swallowed some orders and now his customers were yelling at him.
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@dkf said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
they show unparallel
edstrength and dependabilityAlthough to be fair, that sentence wasn't actually saying anything about the dependability of mongo in the first place; I was just going for the cheap joke.
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@Buddy said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
that sentence wasn't actually saying anything about the dependability of mongo in the first place
Hang about, that sentence originally came from the site (I did a simple copy-paste job). Did you write the copy for it? If so, you might want to adjust the wording slightly…
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@dkf or maybe you just need to learn how to read:
Percona’s suite of MySQL and MongoDB software and toolkits are a powerhouse of performance, the backbone of the organization – they show unparalleled strength and dependability, with endurance to boot. As a product of the open source community, our software has been tested by fire and proven resilient.
It's very clear that ‘they’ is referring to the suite of tools, not the databases.
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@dkf said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
MongoDB and dependability?
To be fair, most if not all of our database problems have been Redis, not MongoDB.
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@dkf if I had written the words, you can bet that they wouldn't be half as clear and twice as adjusted.
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What happens when someone gets fired? They need to order a new cartoon to be drawn?
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@cartman82 They're also missing the evil mastermind, a.k.a. Dr. Management.
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@cartman82 said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
What happens when someone gets fired? They need to order a new cartoon to be drawn?
No, it's like Batman or Doctor Who--a new person steps into the role.
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@blakeyrat
"Funny, friendly, quick-witted, supporting, fast and courteous – but still able to get the job done with amazing competence."God, The Maven is such a Mary Sue. Oh, she's just good at everything. Whatever. And of course... The Director is just pandering to the SJW agenda.
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@blakeyrat Actually, fuck every single one of these:
The Maven
Funny, friendly, quick-witted, supporting, fast and courteous – but still able to get the job done with amazing competence.So people who are fast and courteous are normally incompetent? What?
A helpful voice in a stressful situation, The Maven support team member is your-person Friday, with an easy manner and a knowing wink.
A knowing wink? Like, she wants to fuck the client?
The Maven puts you at your ease while solving your immediate problems.
Is this Swordfish? What the fuck?
She can rescue your database, and do it with a smile.
Remember, ladies! It's important that you always smile. Your thoughts and feelings aren't important. Make sure you smile.
The Specialist
Computer-like smarts, instant recall, and is a counselor that can understand a problem and the solution quickly. Who is this champion?
Google? I'm guessing Google. Like if I have a database problem and need a computer to answer, I'll go to Google. It's Google, right?
An ultra-brain, with deep knowledge of all aspects of technology, The Specialist can access minute and arcane details at a moment’s notice. For any mission, she is the one who can sharp shoot the answer under the toughest of circumstances. Put the Specialist on the case, and your problems will disappear.
Sharp-shoot... disappear-- we're murdering people now, right? That's what your insinuating. The cranky old DBA refuses to use indexes because he's set in his ways, so you arrange a hit on him.
The Clairvoyant
Technical, with clairvoyant foresight, with the knowledge and statistics to account for all issues, manages problems before they happen. Who is this champion?
The Clairvoyant predicts the future of technology and operations to head off major issues. Saves you before you even know there is a problem. With The Clairvoyant working with you, you know you’re going to be just fine.Oh goodie, someone who will arbitrarily make changes to my system because they have Teh Feelz that the latest-and-greatest unreleased beta is totes the best thing for my production environment. I bet that goes down perfectly during invoice time.
Why is there 15 hours of work being invoiced? (Sidenote: I FUCKING HATE THE EMOJI SET! This guy looks like a brain-damaged alien. I want my old emojis back!)
I saw in the future that there was a problem and fixed it.
I didn't get any bug reports, or downtime notifications, or anything quantifiable that there was an actual bug.
Magic!Also, this asshole doesn't look like a magic seer. He looks like an idiot who is so confused over a simple concept that it's physically hurting his brain. Also he's constipated.
The Maestro
Remotely all-seeing, a director, good at multi-tasking, adapts-on-the-fly, cool in a crisis. Who is this champion?
The rDBA is the head of the operation, a leader, a single-person think tank that controls all from their home base of operations. A cyborg, half-man half-machine. With the Maestro controlling your database, all your worries are through.That isn't a cromulent use for the word "remotely". And what's this shit, he's only "good" at multi-tasking? Not multiverse shatteringly awesome? Nope, not acceptable.
I get the allusion to super-powers when it comes to heading off bugs before they hit-- but what the shit is "half machine"? Do they actual start scooping out organic bits from their employees and shove bluetooth headsets up their asses? And that "when he's in control, your worries are through" seems like a threat.
And since when is a director-- someone in charge of a team-- a SINGLE-PERSON anything? Why do I need a team then, if this guy will just go cowboy and "control my database" as he sees fit?
The Powerhouse
Insanely strong, can’t be stopped, hard to knock down, the product of rigorous testing, unlimited endurance. Who is this champion?
Percona’s suite of MySQL and MongoDB software and toolkits are a powerhouse of performance, the backbone of the organization – they show unparalleled strength and dependability, with endurance to boot. As a product of the open source community, our software has been tested by fire and proven resilient.Oh goodie. "The open source community tested it, so it must be good! Ship It To Production!". And what's with the group pronouns of "they"? Is this a furry asshole, or a tool suite? Why call it "THE powerhouse" if it's a group? And are Cheetas really know for their strength or endurance or dependability? I thought they were known for short bursts of fast speed. Which is the exact opposite of everything else that describes this fursona. I wouldn't trust a cheeta with my baby, that isn't very dependable. I'm pretty sure many animals outclass the Cheeta for strength. Like an elephant. And humans top the list of all animals for endurance. It's pretty much THE competitive advantage that got us to be the dominate species on the planet.
And I assume they are using the ISP definition of "unlimited", which is "actually very limited".
And finally, Percona is a stupid name that is hard to pronounce and sounds stupid. Everything about this site is stupid.
Also, their Search field doesn't work with JS disabled, because apparently a simple HTML form is too difficult to make without fifteen layers of javascript on top of it. Tested! Impossible to break! Every possible bug forseen!
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@Lorne-Kates said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
Remember, ladies! It's important that you always smile. Your thoughts and feelings aren't important. Make sure you smile.
The
lying whoreRecognizingRapeMicroaggressions thread is
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FYI here is their brillant search code:
<script> jQuery(function(){ var $ = jQuery; var url = 'http://google.com/search?q=site:' + location.protocol + '//' + location.hostname + ' '; var $searchModule = $('.hs-search-module.fd74c24c-fdf1-4a9a-a018-a2d14adb36cd'); var $input = $searchModule.find('input'); var $button = $searchModule.find('.hs-button.primary'); if (false) { $input.val(decodeURIComponent(location.pathname.split('/').join(' ').split('.').join(' ').split('-').join(' ').split('_').join(''))); } $button.click(function(){ location.href = url + $input.val(); }); $input.keypress(function(e){ if (e.keyCode !== 13) return; e.preventDefault(); $button.click(); }); }); </script>
for those of you who don't given enough of a shit to follow at home:
- tries to enclose it in jQuery, but doesn't check to see if jQuery is loaded. So even if I was allowing javascript, this still can (and will) fail.
- They had a dumb-as-bricks sanitation method there. Use a regex to only allow whitelisted charaters? NOPE! use String.Replace to replace the blacklist of characters? NOPE! Instead, find a bad character, split it (turn into an array of strings), then rejoin the strings with a space. Then do it again and again and again.
- Then they realized it was fucking stupid and probably didn't even work, so they wrapped it in if(false) rather than commenting it out.
- Even though this is a text field, and a submit button, wrapped in standard form tag-- the form doesn't work. Normally you'd use this structure so that your submit still works if js breaks, and use the js to spruce up the form's validation. So not only did extra work to provide a fallback, then broke the fallback.
- Because rather than POSTing a FORM, they take the brillant steps of taking the value from the input, (not) encoding it, and stuffing it into the URL to do a GET on a different search page.
- And even more brillant-- rather than accepting the POST (and thus be able to log it and get analytics on the searches), they just redirect to Google with your query in the search field.
I guess their rock-solid, unbreakable, community-driven suite of top-notch tools can't do something simple like a site search. Off to Google. Which means hey, when I was joking above about "who is this hero who can find knowledge" being Google-- looks like I was right! Dogfood galore!
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@boomzilla said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
@Lorne-Kates said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
Remember, ladies! It's important that you always smile. Your thoughts and feelings aren't important. Make sure you smile.
The
lying whoreRecognizingRapeMicroaggressions thread isDon't you mean the "How to management mengineers" thread?
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@Lorne-Kates I'm mostly sure that I don't.
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@boomzilla said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
@Lorne-Kates I'm mostly sure that I don't.
I think I know what you mean, bitch.
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@blakeyrat
Two things:- Percona people really know their shit when it comes to MySQL databases;
- it's a sad fact that one does need superhero powers when a MySQL database use case grows beyond a simple blog. Guess that's not really a good ad for MySQL itself.
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@Lorne-Kates BREAKING NEWS! Some database guys are not that good in the front-end department! FILM AT 11
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@wft said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
it's a sad fact that one does need superhero powers when a MySQL database use case grows beyond a simple blog. Guess that's not really a good ad for MySQL itself.
Meh. I'm reminded of the joke about the mechanic. Shit, the only place I can find it is in google books, so you get a screenshot:
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@Lorne-Kates said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
for those of you who don't given enough of a shit to follow at home:
[explanation elided]
Seems enterprisey to me.
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Batman is probably a good dba too, that batcave computer seems to have information about everything, and he seems to be the only one that admin that thing.
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@fbmac Batman's not doing his own admin; he's too busy being a billionaire playboy or punching bad guys. If you want to find the actual DBA, there's only one candidate surely: Alfred.
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@RaceProUK said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
@fbmac Batman's not doing his own admin; he's too busy being a billionaire playboy or punching bad guys. If you want to find the actual DBA, there's only one candidate surely: Alfred.
I'd actually suggest that Lucious Fox is the real DBA. He seems like he would be really good at automation. A good DBA tries to automate as much as possible.
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@wft said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
@Lorne-Kates BREAKING NEWS! Some database guys are not that good in the front-end department! FILM AT 11
Breaking News! Databases aren't the only part of a system. Hire a fucking front-end developer instead of a shitty cartoonist.
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@Lorne-Kates Chances are that was the marketing department who hired an freelancer to draw the cartoon. Magenic is another company who used a cartoon drawing of super heroes a few years back. I'm guessing they ripped this off of them.
This company seems to specialize in mysql and mongoDB, as remote admins. So I don't see why they would want to hire a front end developer. They wouldn't put that person to use at a client.
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@galgorah said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
So I don't see why they would want to hire a front end developer.
Databases aren't the only part of the system.
"Hi, I'm a mechanic. I know transmissions like a motherfucker"
Really? My power steering is on the fritz, the headlights flicker, and I think I've blown my shocks.
"TRANSMISSIONS! I'M A GODDAMN GIANT!"
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@galgorah said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
I don't see why they would want to hire a front end developer.
Why would any non-tech company want to hire a front-end developer? So they can have a website that isn't shitballs.
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@Lorne-Kates said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
@galgorah said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
So I don't see why they would want to hire a front end developer.
Databases aren't the only part of the system.
"Hi, I'm a mechanic. I know transmissions like a motherfucker"
Really? My power steering is on the fritz, the headlights flicker, and I think I've blown my shocks.
"TRANSMISSIONS! I'M A GODDAMN GIANT!"
I wouldn't go to a Transmission specialty shop to get my headlights checked out. Plus headlights are a lot less complicated than a transmission is. Front end development is very complicated as are database platforms. They are both specialties in their own right.
I would expect a managed DBA services company to outsource their web site development and design to another company instead of doing it themselves.
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@galgorah said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
outsource their web site development and design to another company
So in other words, hire a consulting firm of front-end web developers?
Same difference, really.
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@galgorah said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
@Lorne-Kates said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
@galgorah said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
So I don't see why they would want to hire a front end developer.
Databases aren't the only part of the system.
"Hi, I'm a mechanic. I know transmissions like a motherfucker"
Really? My power steering is on the fritz, the headlights flicker, and I think I've blown my shocks.
"TRANSMISSIONS! I'M A GODDAMN GIANT!"
I wouldn't go to a Transmission specialty shop to get my headlights checked out. Plus headlights are a lot less complicated than a transmission is. Front end development is very complicated as are database platforms. They are both specialties in their own right.
I would expect a managed DBA services company to outsource their web site development and design to another company instead of doing it themselves.
Yep pretty much
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@galgorah said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
I would expect a managed DBA services company to outsource their web site development and design to another company instead of doing it themselves.
I would expect a DBA services company to have the slightest fuck on how to present the data they are managing.
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@Lorne-Kates said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
@galgorah said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
I would expect a managed DBA services company to outsource their web site development and design to another company instead of doing it themselves.
I would expect a DBA services company to have the slightest fuck on how to present the data they are managing.
Presentation is not a DBAs job. Thats what front end folks are for. DBAs focus on the infrastructure. Would you expect the middle tier guy creating web services to understand the finer points of CSS? I sure wouldn't, it's not their job.
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@Lorne-Kates said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
I would expect a DBA services company to have the slightest fuck on how to present the data they are managing.
That's easy: CSV. Then the front-end people can sort it out.
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@galgorah said in Database Performance Team: Superheros doing extremely tedious MySQL shit!:
Presentation is not a DBAs job
Knowing the entire system they are working with is their job. For all intensive porpoises, PHP is coupled with MySQL. If the "superhero experts" who see all, know all, are clairvoyant and work your system end to end don't know the Web, they're fucking useless. They provide, in their own words, "Extraordinary help".
Hey Cybershitter, what sort of hardware should I provision to keep up the load on both Apache and MySQL.
duh idunnoFine. Cumdumpress, what backup schedule will I need to support the comment system in order to provide a reasonable assurance of data continuity?
tee wee {knowing wink} i liek databassUhg. Token Vaguely Colored Girl: You're an "ultra-brain" with knowledge of ALL technology. Am I going to run into bandwidth issues with mobile browsers using webservices?
i can haz database? i solve everything as long as it is database!Goddamn it. Captain Constipated the Confused. You're able to forsee literally all problems before they happen! Tell me what format of data the front-end should take to best scale over the next ten years.
{hurk} my ass is full of cementUseless. Every one of you. Should I even bother with Furry the Perv Pounder?
meow {poops on a server while yiffing a Linux penguin plushie}
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And before any of you shitters argues more for these shitters being less shit at their shitty jobs, FROM THEIR OWN FUCKING BRAGPAGE:
I'll type it out, since they're so incompetent at everything they still think text-as-images with title text is acceptable in 2016:
FULL LAMP STACK EXPERTISE, FROM HARDWARE TO APPLICATION LAYER
They are claiming to be experts. Well, fucktits, if there are this many basic errors on your own page, how expert can you possibly be? If you can't even get a simple HTML form right-- and you can't even manage a simple site-searching query-- how deep does this shitberg go?
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@Lorne-Kates Wow, it gets better and better. That's just me copying the image location. So they put out a FULL SIZED IMAGE, and resized it via width attribute on the img. Not css even. Straight up 1996-style "width=" attribute. So these EXPERTS AT PERFORMANCE don't know the basics of image resizing to save bandwidth.