Unbeknownst to me, there was a problem with one of the transaction processors cron jobs. When my colleague called their technical support to get the problem resolved, they immediately pointed the finger at my faulty server configuration. "Apparently, the bats user on that machine doesn't have cron privileges", I hear the support person say over phone, "And I know it's not the cron because it works on everybody else's server.". Anything's possible so I logged in as root and checked my cron.deny file. Nope. So I su'd to the user bats and ran the following:
-bash-3.00$ crontab -l
## BATS
*/15 * * * * cd /var/www/bats/www/signup; /usr/bin/php cronjobs.php;
## BATS
Figuring everybody's gotta eat, I decided to post it here instead of in an email to the support person's supervisor.