@Cotillion said:
@tster said:the story itself has some potential. your problem is in the telling. This story is more of a 1-2 minute story. most of the stuff in it is not anything we need or care to know. In the future just work on trying to compress your stories and leave out unneeded details and I'm sure we'll all enjoy them.
I agree. There are some odd things to your story and you could present it well, but you have to remember that "brevity is the soul of wit." Your second post was better.
Ion9 only needs more practice on writing coherent stories. Ion9, go on writing stories on the 'net, don't pay attention to baseless critics (it wasn't funny!), read stories from authors you like, and your writing will improve and your stories will be better.
I liked the story, but it is noticeable that Ion9 isn't used to writing.