Argh, editor ate my post and I don't feel like retyping the whole thing. It really hates safari.
Short story: I was told to look at a slow server (Load average hovering between 50-55 constantly!). I couldn't find the problem, went to work on another problem, and ran into the load problem. It was caused by this running every time a page was viewed:
<?php
include './config.php';
$conn = mysql_connect($host, $user, $password) or die("Could not Connect");
$db = mysql_select_db($db) or die("Could not Select Database");
$query = mysql_query("Select * from content where id>37");
for($i=0; $i<mysql_num_rows($query);$i++)
{
$id = mysql_result($query, $i, 'id');
$intro = trim(mysql_result($query, $i, 'intro'));
$full = trim(mysql_result($query, $i, 'full'));
$intro = str_replace("'", "\'", $intro);
$full = str_replace("'", "\'", $full);
$intro = str_replace('"', '"', $intro);
$full = str_replace('"', '"', $full);
$intro = str_replace("\n", "<br />", $intro);
$full = str_replace("\n", "<br />", $full);
echo $id . "<br />";
echo $full;
if($intro != "") $q = mysql_query("update
content
set intro
='". $intro. "' where id
='". $id. "'") or die('DANGER WILL ROBINSON in intro: ' . mysql_error()); if($full != "") $q = mysql_query("update
content
set full
='". $full. "' where id
='". $id. "'") or die('DANGER WILL ROBINSON in full: ' . mysql_error());}
mysql_close($conn);
?>