Weng - your entire story is all too believable. It'd be no wonder if we worked in the same company -- except if we had an IT Troll like the one you've described, I'd have noticed it. Have you divined yet what universal event caused all HR staffers to be fucksticks with bad ideas?
The genius ideas have been things like renaming the Human Resources department to something nobody can remember to this day, then 6mos later deciding to change it back to HR because ... well, nobody could remember it and it didn't make sense. Our HR meddles in the affairs of the cafeteria because our industry is manufacturing, but with a heavy emphasis on health & fitness. So they heavily subsidize salad bar prices by sticking it to anyone who orders burgers or anything fried. They also jacked up prices on a 16oz bottle of soda, just to see us squirm, I think. Better we should be drinking mineral water or something.
Oh, and they installed a fucking COFFEE BAR. Complete with industrial-sized bean grinder, espresso machine, etc. They've got a huge painted chalkboard on the wall (like 8ftx4ft) with all the fancy coffee options for which they want to sell at high prices. But I can count on one hand how many people buy them when right BESIDE the coffee bar are a dozen large carafes of free black coffee, including pitchers with flavored creamers, sweeteners, and the stuff people would keep at home.
The company has the option to pay 50% of our health insurance premiums, but we have to take their health screening test. Measures BP, glucose, cholesterol, triglycerides and all those other things. I'm quite CERTAIN that HR and the CEO (wanker that he is) teamed up for this system: you must earn 1000 points in a calendar year in order for the company to pay the 50% on your premiums for the calendar year after that (i.e. right now we're in the "earn it" phase for insurance that would be paid in 2011). Points can be accumulated by working out 3x per week and faxing paperwork to an overpaid health company who verifies and tracks. Dental cleaning? Fax your paperwork to the company to get your 50pts. Optical check-up? ditto. Now, of course you get to start with a certain number of points as automatically given to you, but if your health check-up numbers aren't perfect, you get demerits. BP over 125/90? Demerit. Blood Glucose over 90? Demerit. Do you admit to using tobacco -- even if only a single cigar in a year? Well, we're going to fuck you out of 350 points right there. (note: I'm making up the BP/glucose numbers as I don't recall exactly what they are).
Then there's all kinds of things you have to do to earn back the points to accumulate 1000. But there's so many goddamn hoops to jump through, the company is surely going to save money NOT having to pay healthcare premiums for the people who didn't have enough points. Make no mistake, this is about the company saving their own fucking dollars, NOT about improving the health of their employees.
Oh, and if my fellow employees read this, you will probably know who you are -- don't out me, or we'll probably both be fired.