Count the WTFs. I gave up.



  • It was a hot, humid Sunday afternoon. Far too hot for summer; yet, it was still spring. My relational algebra/calculus/SQL teacher sent us an email, saying he was sick and that we would have a substitute teacher come in the next morning. It was an old friend of the teacher, a man who held a high position in an African university, teaching theory of computation along with data security.

    That night, I dreamed that the bus I took to campus crashed and I died. I woke up, covered in sweat. I opened the window, to see pitch black clouds in the direction of campus. As I watched, a gust of strong wind blew, and I saw a pigeon being forced to fly backwards. I should have listened to the signals. I should have jumped back into bed and skipped class. I was a good, sheepish student, however, so I promptly got ready and went to class.

    There, the teacher entered the hall and introduced himself as he plugged in his laptop, connected it to a projector and waited as his laptop booted up. It had Windows XP. Mind you, this wasn't too long ago. Certainly enough time for everyone who was sane to move to Windows 7. Yet, it took more than 5 minutes for his laptop to start XP. I was starting to forgive him for not making the move, having such a slow computer, when I saw his desktop.
    It had one of these Win 7 transformation packs, complete with fake Aero effects and a working sidebar. I saw three different anti-virus programs starting up. The tray icons took up half the task bar.

    He proceeded to navigate a few folders, and double-clicked in a Powerpoint presentation. IE6 opened up, and I kid you not, four different toolbars were sluggishly drawn into the screen. Finally, the file dialog popped up. He clicked to open the file, and Powerpoint was finally started. After a quick class teaching the basics of SQL, SELECTs, UPDATEs and the usual, he said it was time for some examples. He opened a database design program, and showed us the queries needed to create, alter and drop tables. He started to type some examples. Using only his index fingers. Very. ****ing. Slowly.

    Finally, he made a syntax error and the program threw an error message. He stared at the screen and clicked ok. Running the query again, it gave the same error, to which he clicked ok again. This repeated a few times before another student decided to help him. After a short conversation, and the error message being translated to him, he admitted that he spoke little to no English.

    He closed the program and said he was going to give us a better example.
    He told us a story of how he was hired to the national bank of his country after presenting them with such a secure system, they would never be hacked. The tale took more than 5 minutes, which was enough time for Firefox to open. It was also toolbar-ridden, yet this time there were only two of them. However, each time he moused over a link, his computer would play a small tune and the cursor would sparkle.

    By now, I had noticed something. In the desktop gadget he had for measuring RAM and CPU usage, none of the four cores of the machine ever spent time under 50% load. Even when he wasn't doing anything with the computer. I digress. He entered the main page of his bank and asked us to keep a small secret. He typed in a few extra words to the URL, making up a directory name. By doing that, he accessed a phpmyadmin login page.

    He slowly typed these letters in: root
    Then, still using only his index fingers, he pressed ctrl+a, ctrl+x, ctrl+v, tab and ctrl+v.
    He was logged in. He started to make some mildly advanced queries selecting data from different tables using joins.
    Very happily, he claimed he was going to make himself rich, to show us the power of SQL. He selected his account via his card number, noted down the original amount he had, and UPDATEd himself to have a few trillions in his account. He then said something to the effect of "but I'd be arrested for fraud, so let's change it back before I get in trouble." It was then he forgot the WHERE clause.

    He stared at the screen in a long, dramatic pause. Sweat drops were literally going down his forehead. He lifted his head and said in his thick accent "Everyone is dismissed. Thank you very much." It was the last I saw of him.

    P.S.: I won't be offended if you don't believe this. Hadn't I seen it myself, only read it in this forum, I would have not believed it. Unless it was snoofle posting, but even then it'd be hard to believe.



  • TL;DR: OP posted someone else's story and gave no credit to anyone instead of taking credit for themself.

    Gentlemen, TRWTF.



  • @Husky said:

    It was a hot, humid Sunday afternoon.
    "It was April the forty-first, it being a quadruple leap year, and I was driving in downtown Atlantis.  My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was overheating . . ."



  • @Husky said:

    P.S.: I won't be offended if you don't believe this. Hadn't I seen it myself, only read it in this forum, I would have not believed it. Unless it was snoofle posting, but even then it'd be hard to believe.

    Ironically I believed every word until I hit this.



  • @blakeyrat said:

    Ironically I believed every word until I hit this.
    You truly know the human potential for disaster, my friend.



  • @Husky said:

    It was a hot, humid Sunday afternoon. Far too hot for summer; yet, it was still spring.
     

    Stop right there.  I live in Phoenix.  The first time in recorded history that it hit 122 degrees Fahrenheit, I happened to be cleaning out my shed.

    No temperature that can actually be achieved in summer is "too hot for summer", by definition.

     


     

    This man has a bobcat on his head; therefore your argument is invalid.



  • @Husky said:

    P.S.: I won't be offended if you don't believe this. Hadn't I seen it myself, only read it in this forum, I would have not believed it. Unless it was snoofle posting, but even then it'd be hard to believe.
     

    doesn't matter, I lol'd, as in, actually laughed out loud...

    @Husky said:

    He then said something to the effect of "but I'd be arrested for fraud, so let's change it back before I get in trouble." It was then he forgot the WHERE clause.

    ...right here. brilliant.

     

    btw: I had a programming teacher once, pretty old (about 70, I assume), who would also type v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y using only his index fingers. The bonus was that when I called him to review my code which I was unsuccesfully trying to make work for the last half hour, he sat at the computer and slowly scrolled through the code expressing his utter confusion in his slow, almost senile-sounding voice ("What's... this?... Why is... this here?... What have you...?").

    After about minute and half of this, he rewrote two or three characters, ran the code, and it worked perfectly. He was always like that. If to that point I had no idea why he is still even teaching, after this I began to have strong suspicion that he was (still*) a genius, only masquerading himself as a senile old man just to avoid alienating us...

     

    *sometime later I learned he was one of the few people who basically founded IT industry/education in our country in 1970s when it was still all about punchcards



  • @da Doctah said:

    This man has a bobcat on his head; therefore your argument is invalid.

    Memes. Comedy of the witless. "Trust me bro, if you post this, they'll laugh"



  • @SEMI-HYBRID code said:

    I had a programming teacher once, pretty old (about 70, I assume), who would also type v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y using only his index fingers.

    I teach a few scripting classes to 3D artists at a local college and I can't believe how slowly some of them type. These are kids who were born on computers, grew up on the internet, send a text instead of a phone call and yet they can't hit the home row. I'm a decade older than them and I feel like I'm teaching my parents how to code sometimes.



  • @da Doctah said:

    @Husky said:

    It was a hot, humid Sunday afternoon. Far too hot for summer; yet, it was still spring.

    No temperature that can actually be achieved in summer is "too hot for summer", by definition.

    But note that he wrote that "it was still spring". I.e. since it was not in summer, a temperature that is "too hot for summer" could technically be in fact achieved.



  • So the guy makes his real money hacking and upping his bank account through SQL injection, and covers it up by pretending to be a teacher.

     



  • @Husky said:

    P.S.: I won't be offended if you don't believe this. Hadn't I seen it myself, only read it in this forum, I would have not believed it. Unless it was snoofle posting, but even then it'd be hard to believe.

    If that's real, it's frikking scary (see how I got away without typing asterikses?). So for the momen, I'd like to keep some faith in humanity and not believe your story. It's a good one, though, apart from the getting up bit: if this were real, nobody in his right mind would have wanted to miss this...


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @TGV said:

    If that's real, it's frikking scary (see how I got away without typing asterikses?). So for the momen, I'd like to keep some faith in humanity and not believe your story. It's a good one, though, apart from the getting up bit: if this were real, nobody in his right mind would have wanted to miss this...
    I don't know about you, but when I was a student I could hardly be arsed to get out of bed for liquor and ladies, much less some class with a stand-in instructor. 

    And people generally don't advertise the fact that they're going to make a career limiting SQL Query in advance.



  • @Soviut said:

    @da Doctah said:
    This man has a bobcat on his head; therefore your argument is invalid.

    Memes. Comedy of the witless. "Trust me bro, if you post this, they'll laugh"

    It's not a meme if the guy with the bobcat on his head is actually someone you know.


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