Job posting buzzword generator



  • Just found this on Monster (name of company modified). Does any of this mean anything?

    TLA ( www.TLA.com ), one of the
    world's most innovative and successful IT services firms, is looking for
    candidates to help grow our talented consulting team. We are looking
    for individuals who:
    • Strive for excellence in everything they do
    • Bring a partnering approach to their job
    • Focus on the innovative use of technology to overcome business challenges
    • Seek to work in a environment that respects individual ideas and diversity
    As
    a Strategy Expert with our Finance Transformation Practice, you provide
    leadership to both TLA and your clients. You lead in aligning process,
    people, and IT changes to support a client's market strategy and
    financial objectives, and in aligning key executive client stakeholders
    around the business, organization, and IT architecture and proposed
    solutions.  ((Wha...?))
     
    In this role, you provide a depth of experience
    and knowledge of best practices from different industries and
    organizations finance function. You are also knowledgeable of best
    practices within the finance functional areas and the latest uses of
    technology.  ((Herp?))
     
    Your sphere of influence generally includes TLA
    and client project members and project leaders, vendor and partner SMEs,
    GBS Americas' business developers, practice leaders, and operations
    leaders. As a trusted and strategic advisor, you establish collaborative
    and collegial relationships with client sponsors and board-level
    executives and lead all executive alignment activities. ((Derp!))
     
    You are responsible for participating in our business development process and accountable for the successful delivery.

    ((farther down:))

    The Company:
    TLA (www.TLA.com), one of the world's leading providers of information
    technology services, helping organizations achieve business results
    through the effective use of technology. Since its formation in 1959,TLA  has earned a customer-centric reputation for developing and managing
    solutions specifically tailored to each client's needs. No other
    company offers the same range of professional services and global reach
    as TLA does in areas such as business and technology strategies,
    management consulting, information systems consulting and integration,
    application software, and IT and business process outsourcing.

    ((Oh, of course.))



  • @D-Coder said:

    Just found this on Monster (name of company modified).


    Why? Anyone with a Google can find out you're talking about CSC, probably something very similar to this job posting.



  • I think I might be the perfect candidate for this position.



    I strive for excellence whenever I bring my partnering approach to focus on innovative use of technology to overcome business challenges while respecting individual ideas and diversity.



    My expertise, and non-expertise, cover a wide area of strategic and non-strategic business practices and best practices while remaining focused and all-encompassing. I have decades of experience aligning, re-aligning, and advising alignment of collaborative, team- and goal-oriented partners, applications, organizations, finance functions, and solutions (proposed and not-yet-proposed).



    Where can I send my resume?



  • Sounds like they're looking for a Program Manager, i.e. a mid-level business type of role. Filled with buzzwords, yes, but not devoid of meaning. It's a complicated way of saying "We need somebody who can make shit happen."



  • OMG! Their BS level is over 9000!



  • @smxlong said:

    Sounds like they're looking for a Program Manager, i.e. a mid-level business type of role. Filled with buzzwords, yes, but not devoid of meaning. It's a complicated way of saying "We need somebody who can make shit happen."

    At my current position, I am utterly failing to make shit happen so far.

    I'm hoping noone notices for a few more weeks at least.



  • @smxlong said:

    It's a complicated way of saying "We need somebody who can make shit happen."
    More like "We need somebody who can talk people into making shit happen", though you may argue it amounts to the same thing.



  • Wow!  Never before has so many words been used to say so little. 

    This type of thing really is the bane of my existance.  The typical Business Analyst scenario that I've seen dozens of times looks a lot like this.

    Any time I encounter some buzzword spewing prick colleague / client, I always tend to lose respect when they do so merely for the sake of sounding knowledgable.  In fact, overusing such words makes them sound like they have no clue what they are talking about (which is generally the case).  Our company actually never bothered to hire new Business Analysts after the last one left, simply because they did little more than think of overly complicated ways to say something (and still manage to be late on their deliverables).

    "We strive to increase business process efficiency in order to increase the maximum return on investment."  What?  "We want to do things better to make more money" didn't sound elegant enough?!  Reminds me of a Dilbert comic where his boss said his document is too readable and that he needed to change all instances of "use" to "utilize" and a few other "corrections". 

    Granted, not all of them are bad.  I've worked with one good BA before.  But it's the buzzword spewers that give the profession a bad name.  These people need to be called out for the frauds that they are.  If you don't believe me, try calling them out on a few of the words they use.  Or better yet, ask them what it means, and watch as they squirm trying to thing of a way to needlessly babble lengthen the sentence to baffle you into submission...

    superjer:  I really had such a laugh with your response.  I am going to keep it handy for the next time I encounter such a person :-D



  • @superjer said:

    I think I might be the perfect candidate for this position.



    I strive for excellence whenever I bring my partnering approach to focus on innovative use of technology to overcome business challenges while respecting individual ideas and diversity.



    My expertise, and non-expertise, cover a wide area of strategic and non-strategic business practices and best practices while remaining focused and all-encompassing. I have decades of experience aligning, re-aligning, and advising alignment of collaborative, team- and goal-oriented partners, applications, organizations, finance functions, and solutions (proposed and not-yet-proposed).



    Where can I send my resume?
     

    You're hired,

     Now, I need those boxes out of that room and into the storage. Before lunch please.



  • @renewest said:

    You're hired,

     Now, I need those boxes out of that room and into the storage. Before lunch please.

     

    You're doing it wrong. You have to say: "You are being withheld"... or "You are not being withheld". I've had to ask a couple of times if they meant I was hired or not whenever they told me that.

     



  • FUCK CSC. That is all.



  • One positive feature of working with many people for whom English is not their first language is that if I don't use simple and concise language, I will not be understood.  It forces me to choose my words carefully.

     



  • @fennec said:

    @D-Coder said:

    Just found this on Monster (name of company modified).


    Why? Anyone with a Google can find out you're talking about CSC, probably something very similar to this job posting.

     

     

    The contrast on that page is WAY too low. But then since one of the "requred skills " is" 2-8 years experience in software development" (er, explain to me how that's a "skill") they're presumably not looking for anyone over the age of 30 (or even 25)

     

     

     


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