High Five



  • So my company recently unveiled its new recognition system. Instead of spot bonuses, half a day off at project end, or (god forbid) a heartfelt thank-you from someone who understands what it took to deliver on Marketing's arbitrary and usually fucked-up deadline, we now get e-kudos. Fucking e-kudos.



    They're like electronic greeting cards, only more shallow and insulting. I recently received one that proclaims "High Five!" in 40-point red block letters. It has a picture of a bunch of grinning idiots in business casual attire high-fiving each other. Prior to this, I received one (I swear I'm not kidding) that said 'Super Wow!' and was covered in gold stars. If one's manager deems one's contributions to be exceptional, said manager can attach 'points' to the e-kudo. Points can later be traded for various articles of chinese swag.



    Last I looked I was an adult with an IQ above that of the average eight year-old. My soul rots a little bit every time I get one of these.



  •  We get "Bravo" cards.  At the end of the fiscal quarter, they pull 10 bravo cards (presumably out of a hat) and those people get $50.  This is a huge company and literally thousands of bravo cards are handed out in those three months.

    At least you get chinese swag.



  • Whoa, you guys get stuff for hard work? cool...



  • Pa-leeze!  We all go out for big team lunches, and we get to pay for ourselves...

    Nice, so I go to a resteraunt that I don't really like with people I'm not necessarily fond of all for working my arse off for weeks or months on-end, and I get to pay for it?  Sweet!



  • @Xyro said:

    Whoa, you guys get stuff for hard work? cool...

    I'd happily give up the lead-laced chinese duffel bag if it meant never seeing one of these retarded cards again.



  • @Smitty said:

    Last I looked I was an adult with an IQ above that of the average eight year-old. My soul rots a little bit every time I get one of these.
     

    Geez, how patronizing. They might as well print out your code and put a gold star sticker on it with "good work!" written on it with red pen.

    Do teachers still use red pens nowadays, or did they determine that to be "too negative" and require they use a more positive color like green in case the kid, god-forbid, gets sad?



  • Well, just remember, it could always be worse.



  • @boomzilla said:

    Well, just remember, it could always be worse.

    Mother of God....



  • @boomzilla said:

    Well, just remember, it could always be worse.
     

    That was so sad that I had to clickon the "See more..." link.



  • @boomzilla said:

    Well, just remember, it could always be worse.
     

    Some real WTF names in there, but hey look, they've got The Professor and Mary Ann!  And Airman "Chevron Five Encoded"!



  • @Smitty said:

    @boomzilla said:
    Well, just remember, it could always be worse.

    Mother of God....

    Holy crap!  I can get Troi to call my buddies and say, "I sense you're sitting at your computer in your underwear with a bag of Cheetos..."



  • @Smitty said:

    If one's manager deems one's contributions to be exceptional, said manager can attach 'points' to the e-kudo. Points can later be traded for various articles of chinese swag.
     

    Buddah-humping Christ, where do you work, Veridian Dynamics?



  • @da Doctah said:

    Some real WTF names in there, but hey look, they've got The Professor and Mary Ann!
    Who even knew they were still alive?



  • o/\o



  • If you swallow your dignity and actually click on one of the "order" buttons, the list of available messages does explain more things than it was supposed to.

    I particularly like :

    "I Miss You Very Much"

    "Celebrity Encourages You To Study"

    "Thanks For Being A Great Boss"

    "Thanks for Allowing Me To Be Your Sales Representative".


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @Smitty said:



    Last I looked I was an adult with an IQ above that of the average eight year-old. My soul rots a little bit every time I get one of these.
    Clearly you should start wallpapering your cubicle in them.



  •  We get points which translate to things like amazon gift certificates. They are usualy given by PMs for well done projects. I don't mind, they look good when discussing performance at year end.



  • @RHuckster said:

    Geez, how patronizing. They might as well print out your code and put a gold star sticker on it with "good work!" written on it with red pen.

    That, at least, would involve personal effort by an actual human being.



  • And yet, even these token rewards have been scientifically proven to reinforce the behavior being rewarded.  Just think of yourself as Pavlov's Dog.

    ED: You make baby btk cry :(



  • You get money? Wow.

    Here someone says "I've finished project X" and the response is either "Ah yes, I've had this specification change request sitting on my desk for the last 2 weeks. Can you action by the end of this week?" or "Great, what about project Y?" (Our projects are normally in "layers". They give you one, you start it, a week later you are told "This one is more important, drop that one right this minute and start this one" and then "This one is even more important, put that one to the side and do this one. Complete the others in your slack time.")

    Once I got $50 as a "Employee of the year".



  • I've had a couple of $50 vouchers. I was particularly impressed by the one that was for a shopping centre which is on pretty much the opposite side of the city from where I live.

    I've done better with unofficial gifts from the marketing department when I've helped them out with tricky stuff. A couple of sets of movie tickets, and a $150 Amazon gift voucher.

    Of course the second set of movie tickets, which they gave me last week (in return for helping them out with Excel), are for a cinema chain which is pretty much only on the opposite side of the city from where I live. And, as a bonus, only valid from Monday to Thursday. I guess my wife can take the kids to a movie sometime, perhaps...



  • Way back, one company I worked at handed out Safeway (local grocery store) coupons for free turkeys as a Christmas "bonus" to all employees. 

     There was the time when I was still in college and working a part time data entry job.  One of the full-timers quit, obviously hoping that management would come crawling to her and beg her to come back.  Instead, I covered her job until they hired a full time replacement.  (She was not a data entry clerk, she was something closer to a construction scheduler.)  I was rewarded for my initiative and go-getter-ness with.... a .25/hour raise.

     I have a nice one, too.  Another company I worked for as a full time developer was in the bicycle business.  One day in early December, the CEO dressed up like Santa and went around ho-ho-ing and handing out plastic water bottles from his sack.  My reaction was a bit like the OP's in his story.  Then for no reason whatsoever, I opened the bottle and peeked in.  Each bottle was stuffed with a crisp $50 bill.  Cash is nice, they can't tax it at the bonus rate!


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @jetcitywoman said:

    One day in early December, the CEO dressed up like Santa and went around ho-ho-ing and handing out plastic water bottles from his sack.  My reaction was a bit like the OP's in his story.  Then for no reason whatsoever, I opened the bottle and peeked in.  Each bottle was stuffed with a crisp $50 bill. 
    I wonder how many people never discovered that fact. I certainly wouldn't have talked about it - I'd have been talking cow-orkers into forking over their useless tat because "I collect water bottles" or some shit.



  • @Weng said:

    @jetcitywoman said:

    One day in early December, the CEO dressed up like Santa and went around ho-ho-ing and handing out plastic water bottles from his sack.  My reaction was a bit like the OP's in his story.  Then for no reason whatsoever, I opened the bottle and peeked in.  Each bottle was stuffed with a crisp $50 bill. 
    I wonder how many people never discovered that fact. I certainly wouldn't have talked about it - I'd have been talking cow-orkers into forking over their useless tat because "I collect water bottles" or some shit.

     

    I'm sure I would have missed it.  I don't even buy the 16.9 fl oz bottles everyone else does, because I use the one-liter ones to make iced tea: one teabag stuffed down the neck of each bottle, one packet of sweetener, recap, put four bottles in a plastic grocery bag and hang it from a hook in the back seat of my car to brew in the sun.  (I tried making one bottle at a time and letting it "cook" in the office window, behind the mini-blinds, until someone from Facilities made me take it out.)


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @da Doctah said:

    (I tried making one bottle at a time and letting it "cook" in the office window, behind the mini-blinds, until someone from Facilities made me take it out.)
    Nazis. Also, UGH mini-blinds.



  • @da Doctah said:

    @Weng said:

    @jetcitywoman said:

    One day in early December, the CEO dressed up like Santa and went around ho-ho-ing and handing out plastic water bottles from his sack.  My reaction was a bit like the OP's in his story.  Then for no reason whatsoever, I opened the bottle and peeked in.  Each bottle was stuffed with a crisp $50 bill. 
    I wonder how many people never discovered that fact. I certainly wouldn't have talked about it - I'd have been talking cow-orkers into forking over their useless tat because "I collect water bottles" or some shit.

     

    I'm sure I would have missed it.  I don't even buy the 16.9 fl oz bottles everyone else does, because I use the one-liter ones to make iced tea: one teabag stuffed down the neck of each bottle, one packet of sweetener, recap, put four bottles in a plastic grocery bag and hang it from a hook in the back seat of my car to brew in the sun.  (I tried making one bottle at a time and letting it "cook" in the office window, behind the mini-blinds, until someone from Facilities made me take it out.)

    Does this have a better taste compared to standard steeping?  Not much of a "tea guy", just curious...



  • @C-Octothorpe said:

    @da Doctah said:

    I don't even buy the 16.9 fl oz bottles everyone else does, because I use the one-liter ones to make iced tea: one teabag stuffed down the neck of each bottle, one packet of sweetener, recap, put four bottles in a plastic grocery bag and hang it from a hook in the back seat of my car to brew in the sun.  (I tried making one bottle at a time and letting it "cook" in the office window, behind the mini-blinds, until someone from Facilities made me take it out.)

    Does this have a better taste compared to standard steeping?  Not much of a "tea guy", just curious...

     

    Lipton promoted this method as "sun tea" a couple of decades ago, where you'd make a whole gallon of the stuff in jars specially designed for the purpose (wide-mouth screw-on lids and spigots on the side for pouring).

    The technique fell out of favor when people who couldn't be bothered to clean the jar properly began to get mold in the tea and blamed it on the preparation method instead of their own defective hygiene.

    (While I've done it with Lipton, my tea of choice is Bigelow's "Constant Comment".  We used to drink the stuff hot and loaded with sugar when I was a kid, and one day some years back it occurred to me to ask "what would this stuff taste like iced?")

     


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @C-Octothorpe said:

    Does this have a better taste compared to standard steeping?  Not much of a "tea guy", just curious...

    I do the same thing. I use the bigass jars that you get whole pickles in. Throw in a bunch of tea bags, toss it outside for a day, sugar to taste, and refrigerate. It has to be the best non-alcoholic summer beverage on the planet.



  • @Weng said:

    I do the same thing. I use the bigass jars that you get whole pickles in. Throw in a bunch of tea bags, toss it outside for a day, sugar to taste, and refrigerate. It has to be the best non-alcoholic summer beverage on the planet.

    I'm Xyro and I approve this message.



  • @da Doctah said:

    Lipton promoted this method as "sun tea" a couple of decades ago, where you'd make a whole gallon of the stuff in jars specially designed for the purpose (wide-mouth screw-on lids and spigots on the side for pouring).

    The technique fell out of favor when people who couldn't be bothered to clean the jar properly began to get mold in the tea and blamed it on the preparation method instead of their own defective hygiene.

    (While I've done it with Lipton, my tea of choice is Bigelow's "Constant Comment".  We used to drink the stuff hot and loaded with sugar when I was a kid, and one day some years back it occurred to me to ask "what would this stuff taste like iced?")

     

    Its not just defective hygiene. Sun Tea is the Highway to the danger zone



  • @Reynoldsjt said:

    Its not just defective hygiene. Sun Tea is the Highway to the danger zone

    DANGER ZOOONE!



  • @Reynoldsjt said:

    Its not just defective hygiene. Sun Tea is the Highway to [b]a well-exercised and experienced immune system[/b]

    SOOTFY


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @Reynoldsjt said:

    Its not just defective hygiene. Sun Tea is the Highway to the danger zone
    Dude. It's TEABAGS AND WATER. It doesn't come with meaningful amounts of bacteria preloaded - and certainly not any harmful ones. The only source of substantial bacteria are twats who don't wash the dishes properly.



  • I'd say I get cold hard cash but that's bullshit.  I get my bonus (which in the past has been quite substantial) deposited in my bank account in January.

    My dad does get cold hard cash though.  One year they figured out that the total of everyone's bonus came out to around a million, so they rounded it up to a million and brought it into a company wide meeting in front of everyone, let everyone get their picture taken with it, and started handing out everyone's bonus as cash.



  • @belgariontheking said:

    I'd say I get cold hard cash but that's bullshit.  I get my bonus (which in the past has been quite substantial) deposited in my bank account in January.

    My dad does get cold hard cash though.  One year they figured out that the total of everyone's bonus came out to around a million, so they rounded it up to a million and brought it into a company wide meeting in front of everyone, let everyone get their picture taken with it, and started handing out everyone's bonus as cash.

     

    1million in cash and the IRS are not all over it?

     



  • @belgariontheking said:

    I get my bonus (which in the past has been quite substantial) deposited in my bank account in January.

    Our bonus is calculated per calendar year but not paid out until June. I think it's meant to be a psychological thing - making you feel like you have worked halfway towards next year's bonus. Although it could just take payroll 6 months to sort it all out.

    Sadly, we don't get to see the bonus pool in cash.



  • @RTapeLoadingError said:

    @belgariontheking said:
    I get my bonus (which in the past has been quite substantial) deposited in my bank account in January.

    Our bonus is calculated per calendar year but not paid out until June. I think it's meant to be a psychological thing - making you feel like you have worked halfway towards next year's bonus. Although it could just take payroll 6 months to sort it all out.

    Sadly, we don't get to see the bonus pool in cash.

     

     

    Tax year?



  • @RTapeLoadingError said:

    Our bonus is calculated per calendar year but not paid out until June. I think it's meant to be a psychological thing - making you feel like you have worked halfway towards next year's bonus. Although it could just take payroll 6 months to sort it all out.

    Sadly, we don't get to see the bonus pool in cash.

    Our fiscal year cycles at some goofy point a few months away from the calendar year. The fun part is that our year-end evals must be completed a month or two before the end, but the bonuses and raises take effect six months after the end. This is around the same time we're to complete our year-long goals form, so our year-long goals really only span less than half a year. Not that it matters anyhow, it's all self-evaluation because our managers don't really know what we do.



  • @Helix said:

    @belgariontheking said:
    I'd say I get cold hard cash but that's bullshit.  I get my bonus (which in the past has been quite substantial) deposited in my bank account in January.

    My dad does get cold hard cash though.  One year they figured out that the total of everyone's bonus came out to around a million, so they rounded it up to a million and brought it into a company wide meeting in front of everyone, let everyone get their picture taken with it, and started handing out everyone's bonus as cash.

    1million in cash and the IRS are not all over it?
    I always assumed that they report the cash payout on the W-2.  I really think it'd be silly to assume they don't.

    Since (I would think -- I mean I always have) most people get money back from the IRS come filing time, the unpaid taxes on that bonus money just cut into it.

     



  • @belgariontheking said:

    One year they figured out that the total of everyone's bonus came out to around a million, so they rounded it up to a million and brought it into a company wide meeting in front of everyone, let everyone get their picture taken with it, and started handing out everyone's bonus as cash.
     

    What the hell.



  • @dhromed said:

    @belgariontheking said:
    One year they figured out that the total of everyone's bonus came out to around a million, so they rounded it up to a million and brought it into a company wide meeting in front of everyone, let everyone get their picture taken with it, and started handing out everyone's bonus as cash.
    What the hell.

    It's the same money, but they turned it into a gameshow-like event. Sounds good to me.



  • @Helix said:

    @RTapeLoadingError said:

    @belgariontheking said:
    I get my bonus (which in the past has been quite substantial) deposited in my bank account in January.

    Our bonus is calculated per calendar year but not paid out until June. I think it's meant to be a psychological thing - making you feel like you have worked halfway towards next year's bonus. Although it could just take payroll 6 months to sort it all out.

    Sadly, we don't get to see the bonus pool in cash.

     

    Tax year?

     

    It's closer to the financial year but it doesn't feel directly linked to it.  I'm sticking with the psychological reason...

     



  • @RTapeLoadingError said:

    Our bonus is calculated per calendar year but not paid out until June.
     

    @RTapeLoadingError said:

    It's closer to the financial year but it doesn't feel directly linked to it.

    It would suck getting paid in June for the financial year, considering our financial year is July-June. (I'll be submitting my tax return this week)



  • Already done mine. A whole $56.99 back, hooray.



  • @Scarlet Manuka said:

    Already done mine. A whole $56.99 back, hooray.

    You can give it to me if you don't want it



  • Wow. Around here, we get the whole company in the big room and the managers take turns calling some, or all, of their reports in front of the entire company -- manager then expounds said person's value to the company, with a relevant anecdote usually accompanied with a joke, then hands the person a folder containing a certificate also detailing said accomplishments, along with some nominally valued gift card (usually around $100). Applause follows. Sometimes you get two or three of these in one day, this gets you a very fancy dinner out with the spouse or whatever else you want.

    Employees who generate patents get brass plaques, we all refer to these as "pizza boxes" because they hand them out in the cardboard box they get shipped in, which looks exactly like a pizza box.

    I try to work at places that don't suck.



  • @smxlong said:

    Wow. Around here, we get the whole company in the big room and the managers take turns calling some, or all, of their reports in front of the entire company -- manager then expounds said person's value to the company, with a relevant anecdote usually accompanied with a joke, then hands the person a folder containing a certificate also detailing said accomplishments, along with some nominally valued gift card (usually around $100). Applause follows. Sometimes you get two or three of these in one day, this gets you a very fancy dinner out with the spouse or whatever else you want.

    Employees who generate patents get brass plaques, we all refer to these as "pizza boxes" because they hand them out in the cardboard box they get shipped in, which looks exactly like a pizza box.

    I try to work at places that don't suck.

    Around here, we get up to 10% of our salary as a bonus, distributed over 4 quarters (half of the bonus each quarter is immediate, half is given a year later for retention).  The owner also just pulls a ton of names out of a hat to give money ($500->$10k, tax paid, most are around $1k, $2.5k) away at the multi-million dollar company holiday party.  Also, we get $50/mo/person to go on team-bonding events.

    Of course, the previous place I worked at you were lucky to get any sort of bonus, even $100 gift card.  I guess that's one of the reasons why I don't work there anymore.



  • @Sutherlands said:

    Around here, we get up to 10% of our salary as a bonus, distributed over 4 quarters

    We had bonuses of around 10%, but a few years ago they stopped paying them and instead gave everyone in the company a 10% raise. Plus side, you don't have to worry if this year will be the year they don't give it out anymore. Minus side, you don't get that psychological effect of a nice blast of money right at the end of the year. I'm sure there's some "evil empire" side to it as well, but it doesn't bother me.



  • @smxlong said:

    @Sutherlands said:
    Around here, we get up to 10% of our salary as a bonus, distributed over 4 quarters

    We had bonuses of around 10%, but a few years ago they stopped paying them and instead gave everyone in the company a 10% raise. Plus side, you don't have to worry if this year will be the year they don't give it out anymore. Minus side, you don't get that psychological effect of a nice blast of money right at the end of the year. I'm sure there's some "evil empire" side to it as well, but it doesn't bother me.

    The US tax law says that bonuses are taxed at a higher rate than regular salary. So if you are in America, a raise is better than a bonus, because you net more of it.



  • @dohpaz42 said:

    @smxlong said:
    @Sutherlands said:
    Around here, we get up to 10% of our salary as a bonus, distributed over 4 quarters
    We had bonuses of around 10%, but a few years ago they stopped paying them and instead gave everyone in the company a 10% raise. Plus side, you don't have to worry if this year will be the year they don't give it out anymore. Minus side, you don't get that psychological effect of a nice blast of money right at the end of the year. I'm sure there's some "evil empire" side to it as well, but it doesn't bother me.
    The US tax law says that bonuses are taxed at a higher rate than regular salary. So if you are in America, a raise is better than a bonus, because you net more of it.
    In theory, yeah, but then the company stops giving you as much raises, because you make more than the average worker in your field.  Also, it was probably just a ploy to not have to give bonuses to new workers, while keeping the old workers from rebelling. (but that's the pessimist in me)


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