God damned webhosts


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    Somewhere along the line, some app I wrote for a client awhile back broke. Why? Who knows.When? Double-who-knows.

    Anyway, this particular client is a web designer and his webhost of choice is extremely horrible (Your standard $8/mo LAMP shared-hosting crapfest - except running on the most glacially slow IIS I've ever met. Despite running IIS, you don't get ASP, ASP.net, or MSSQL). 

     

    So I start digging into his hosting cpanel to figure out why the hell this thing mysteriously stopped working and all the identical things installed on his other domains work fine. Nothing immediately jumps out at me.

    I file a support ticket. 24 hours later (not bad for a craphost), I'm informed by an email written in Comic Sans and loaded with broken english that PHP4 was turned on for that domain, and that switching to PHP5 had fixed it. WTFs are as follows:

    1) Windows hosting without any of the benefits of Windows hosting
    2) Support reply in Comic Sans
    3) Support reply in broken English.
    4) PHP4? IT'S FUCKING 2011 GOD DAMMIT. PHP 5 is old enough to go to elementary school and the last retroactive bugfix to apply to PHP4 is in goddamned preschool.
    5) I continue to do work for this guy even though he refuses to take his 50 goddamned clients and spend their exorbitant monthly payments on a colo box instead of hookers and blow.



  • @Weng said:

    LAMP shared-hosting crapfest - except running on the most glacially slow IIS I've ever met
     

    If it runs IIS instead of Apache, wouldn't that be a LIMP stack?



  • @Lorne Kates said:

    @Weng said:

    LAMP shared-hosting crapfest - except running on the most glacially slow IIS I've ever met
     

    If it runs IIS instead of Apache, wouldn't that be a LIMP stack?

    It's Windows so it would be WIMP

     


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

     True, but these guys run their shop more like a bottom-of-the-barrel LAMP reseller than any true WIMP host I've ever used.



  • @Weng said:

    ... spend their exorbitant monthly payments on a colo box instead of hookers and blow.

     

    That would be TRWTF.



  • @Weng said:

    PHP4? IT'S FUCKING 2011 GOD DAMMIT.
    Oh, wow, I remember PHP4. I pity the poor bastard that has to maintain stuff on that technology. Still I can do one better. I know of a large successful company around here whose web framework/cms cash cow app is written in VBScript. They are building new sites on it as we speak. One of their employees came to work for us and from what I can tell they write non-OO code with no MVC separation of any kind with no source control or bug tracking.



  • This host appears to be trying to appeal to the bottom-of-the-barrel clients who wish to have a simple personal website on their own distinct domain instead of using myspace or blogger. So, on that assumption, we can deduce the following:

    @Weng said:

    1) Windows hosting without any of the benefits of Windows hosting
     

    I bet it's because if they advertised Linux servers, it would scare the bottom-of-the-barrel clients away, yet they will advertise PHP because that's the bottom-of-the-barrel server-side language of choice (and admittedly, I can somewhat agree with this: Most websites of this nature are going to use a PHP-based forum and PHP-based CMS)

    @Weng said:

    2) Support reply in Comic Sans

    I bet 99% of the websites these clients own are in Comic Sans. Might as well send them a support response with the same.

    @Weng said:

    3) Support reply in broken English.

    Have you been living under a rock? Broken English has been the support language of choice since 2001!

    @Weng said:

    4) PHP4? IT'S FUCKING 2011 GOD DAMMIT. PHP 5 is old enough to go to elementary school and the last retroactive bugfix to apply to PHP4 is in goddamned preschool.

    lol, but the clients are scared of PHP5 because it's object oriented! Plus, "OMG! $_POST instead of $HTTP_POST_VARS??? I'm freaking out!" was probably said 5 years ago when this would have been an issue with bottom-of-the-barrel clients, and so they decided they'll never upgrade in that case.

    @Weng said:

    5) I continue to do work for this guy even though he refuses to take his 50 goddamned clients and spend their exorbitant monthly payments on a colo box instead of hookers and blow.

    So Charlie Sheen has found a new job already? Good for him!



  • @El_Heffe said:

    @Lorne Kates said:

    @Weng said:

    LAMP shared-hosting crapfest - except running on the most glacially slow IIS I've ever met
     

    If it runs IIS instead of Apache, wouldn't that be a LIMP stack?

    It's Windows so it would be WIMP

     

     

     

    does that make Windows / ASP / IIS  / .NET / SQL

     WAINS


     


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @Kazan said:

    does that make Windows / ASP / IIS  / .NET / SQL

     WAINS

    No, because for some reason all the assholes that came up with these acronyms decided SQL Server was going to be rendered as Microsoft SQL Server, and thus an 'M'. Just like MySQL. Faggots.Just like PHP, Perl, Python, etc. all share P.

     So you get WIMN for .net or WIMA for classic ASP.



  • @Weng said:

    2) Support reply in Comic Sans
     

    Font bigot....



  • <font color="#0000FF" size="5" face="comic sans ms,sand">@da Doctah said:

    </font>

    <font color="#0000FF" size="5" face="comic sans ms,sand">@Weng said:

    2) Support reply in Comic Sans
     </font>

    <font color="#0000FF" size="5" face="comic sans ms,sand">Font bigot....
    </font>

    <font color="#0000FF" size="5" face="comic sans ms,sand">
    </font><font color="#0000FF" size="5" face="comic sans ms,sand"> Comic Sans FTW!!</font>

     

     


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    <font face="terminal,monaco"> I hate you</font>



  •  @Weng said:

    <font color="#0000ff" size="5" face="comic sans ms,sand">I hate you</font>

     

    <font color="#0000ff" size="5" face="comic sans ms,sand">FTFY</font>



  • <font color="#0000FF"><font size="5" face="comic sans ms,sand">Next year's April Fools-- everything Comic Sans. Thank you.</font></font>

     

     



  • @El_Heffe's tagline said:

    <font color="#0000ff"><font size="5" face="comic sans ms,sand">I'm only here for the sluts</font></font>

    <font color="#0000ff"><font size="5" face="comic sans ms,sand"></font></font>



  • @El_Heffe said:

    <font color="#0000ff"><font size="5" face="comic sans ms,sand">Next year's April Fools-- everything Comic Sans. Thank you.</font></font>
     

    <font size="3" face="comic sans ms,sand">What do you mean, next year? </font>



  • @Lorne Kates said:

    @El_Heffe's tagline said:

    <font color="#0000ff"><font size="5" face="comic sans ms,sand">I'm only here for the sluts</font></font>

    <font color="#0000ff"><font size="5" face="comic sans ms,sand"></font></font>

    <font color="#FF6600" size="4" face="comic sans ms,sand">A long time ago someone posted a message here that was something along the lines of "Hey sluts, it's my birthday".  However, a search doesn't turn up the thread.  Either it was removed or Community Server's search is just as broken as everything else.</font>

    <font color="#993300"> </font>

     





  • @derula said:

    http://www.lmgtfy.com/?q=sluts+birthday+site%3Athedailywtf.com
     

    lmgtfy doesn't use Comic Sans. Lame.



  • @derula said:

    http://www.lmgtfy.com/?q=sluts+birthday+site%3Athedailywtf.com
    Which doesn't change the fact that trying to use the search here returns nothing (except this thread).



  • @El_Heffe said:

    @derula said:

    http://www.lmgtfy.com/?q=sluts+birthday+site%3Athedailywtf.com
    Which doesn't change the fact that trying to use the search here returns nothing (except this thread).

    The search function on Newgrounds usually finds nothing but unrelated crap unless you search for the exact title (including presence or lack of typos) of the flash you're trying to find. Google's "Feeling Lucky" search combined with a site:newgrounds.com works perfectly most of the time.

    ...

    This was a metaphor, I guess.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @El_Heffe said:

    @derula said:

    http://www.lmgtfy.com/?q=sluts+birthday+site%3Athedailywtf.com
    Which doesn't change the fact that trying to use the search here returns nothing (except this thread).

    So? I've never met forum software with a search worth a fuck. The best one I ever saw was where the operator had ripped out the stock search field and stuck in a Google field.


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